MadRabbit
Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Icarys
quote:
I'm more partial to using a method of correction that doesn't simply provide a fix to the surface issue, but rather helps bring about internal speculation and relevation regarding their own place in the relationship and the negative effects their behavior is causing on me and the relationship in general.
(When you say external help from you..you are speaking of physical rewards or punishments and not verbal?)
That's what the question mark was for..I was trying to understand what you meant by it all..Anyway..
Would you mind expanding on the bold text.
Sure, if they are having a particularly bad day and decide to take it out on me, then I will explain to them how much of a strain not dealing with stress constructively is on the relationship and how it's not fair and pleasing to me, then ignore them until they clear their head and can have a better conversation.
If they can't seem to manage to do the dishes, I will make them watch me do them and explain to them how much of a burden they are putting on me by not doing their part and how they are not bringing anything positive to my life.
I had someone who had been simmering over something all night and won't let it go. It was ruining the evening and by the time we got into bed, I was tired of it. So I made her sleep on the floor and told her that whenever she was ready to let go of her negative energy and crawl up into bed and cuddle with me, she could and we could go back to having a great evening. But if she was going to wreck the evening by being in a bad funk over something that needed to let go and ruin both our pleasure, she could do it on the floor. She got even more pissed at first and stomped her feet with a "Fine!", but eventually, she though about what I said, let it go, crawled back into bed and snuggled up against me.
Usually, being direct, blunt, assertive and calling them out on their behavior and the effects that behavior has while being calm and controlled and not beating around the bush is enough to shake someone up, make them go "Woah, he's serious about this" and make them take a good look at themselves and what they are doing.
Consistent obedience comes from someone taking responsibility for that obedience. When I am presented with an issue or situation, I try to find a way to deal with it thats in keeping with this central theme and not something in line with "Do it or else".
The only time I could possibly think of using fear as a motivator if someone was particularly out of control and abrasive with me. Sometimes a good, hard slap from a controlled and calm disposition can straight their head out really quick. Or with another person, it could just make them even more pissed off.
Whatever I decide to do always comes down to context and the individual which makes discussing behavior modification on a message board useless outside of general theory. What works for one person isn't going to work for the next.
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