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Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 10:48:07 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, so I've just had a little issue and I would like some advice. 

I've found myself a new Dom.  Very new.  However, I like him and I want to be a good pet to him.  I want to trust him and be trusted by him.  However, there are some trust issues remaining from my last relationship.  My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions.  I stopped loving him and stopped submitting properly. 

I should have left, but found myself unable to do so...as I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way.  There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split.  But I still wasn't strong enough to just leave.  I had to be dismissed.  And I was--for his ex.  It gave me the closure I desperately needed.  Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore.  It was like a weight had been lifted off of me. 

There was no more cowering and apologizing for being myself, for being with my family and my friends when I wanted to be.  For not being perfect in every way.  I was enjoying it.

Enter new Dom.  I didn't think it was gonna happen.  But we clicked on just about everything.  He wants me to explore myself and try new things.  All the things I've always been curious about, he wants me to explore and try and help me explore and try.  We're still in the "getting to know you" phase, but I'm happy.

Suddenly, ex Dom reenters my world.  I basically tell him I'm not comfortable being in contact with him for awhile.  He lays a guilt trip.  I stand my ground.  He lays another.  I start to waver.  He lays yet another on me.  I fall into an old repertoire of apologizing--for being me, for needing space from him, for not wanting to be close, for not being sad, for just about everything.  He keeps it up.  Eventually, I realize what I'm doing and try walking away from the situation. 

But I still felt the need to apologize and make it better.  He keeps a public, online journal...so I read it.  It's like one big guilt trip aimed at me.  I'm floored.

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my perception of my relationship with my ex or if he's actually a bit abusive. 

I believe I should tell my new Dom...but I'm not sure.  Would it help?  Would it be beneficial?  Should he even know? 

Uhm...help?
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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 10:57:36 PM   
DementdMasochist


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/14/2008
Status: offline 		totally abusive if he expects you to apologize for being you. his name isn't tim is it? anyways, if I were you, I would at least give the new dom a heads up.  

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 10:58:59 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		No, his name is not Tim.  

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 11:04:43 PM   
DementdMasochist


Posts: 20
Joined: 11/14/2008
Status: offline 		just asking... sounded kinda like my ex.

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 11:07:56 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know your dynamics but I would hope that you could openly bring this to your new Dom. 
Why would you choose not to? 
  Davan

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/25/2008 11:16:23 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

I don't know your dynamics but I would hope that you could openly bring this to your new Dom. 
Why would you choose not to? 
Davan


Fear.  If something like this had happened with my ex...I'd find myself apologizing for letting it happen. 

But you're both right.  I will tell Sir about it.  I made up my mind on that just after posting this, but I wanted to get some other opinions. 


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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 12:20:35 AM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		Your ex-dom knows you well, knows exactly what buttons to push and how to push them. This is why you are beginning to feel the same way you felt before.

I think that you should not only tell your new Dom but also your new Dom can help you focus your attention and efforts in a way that will completely nullify your ex's attempts to manipulate you. By focusing on your submission to him there will be no room left to worry about someone who is no longer in your life. I'm sure your new Dom can find plenty of things to keep you busy and your mind off of this old abusive situation and then your ex will not even have the opportunity to try and pull your strings.

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 12:28:38 AM   
ElectraGlide


Posts: 1246
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		Tell your old Dom to hit the road. A new clean slate was started and he is not in it. It sounds like your new Dom is kind and caring, unlike the old Dom. You owe it to yourself for a more positive life.

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 1:30:55 AM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		You've been very helpful.  You're right, ElectraGlide, I do owe it to myself.

he just makes me feel so...little.  Even now.


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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 1:42:14 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Hmm, I have come to learn that there is always two sides to every story and somewhere down the middle meanders the truth. Sometimes it leans one way then the other. It seems both parties have some level of misunderstanding regarding the situation.

My suggestion would be to find a Kink Aware Therapist and deal with the "TRUTH" of the situation rather then each others recollections and this must be done together.

If you are unwilling to do this, then BREAK it off now. Do no accept any correspondence or even read his journal, by doing so, indicates interest, whether actual or perceived.

Aramis

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 2:04:54 AM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		You are right, Aramis.

I knew reading his journal was a mistake as soon as I opened it. 

I don't want to go back into anything with him.  I'm sure counseling would help, but I don't want to keep feeling small and insignificant when he's around.  I don't wish to have contact with him anymore...I want to move on. 


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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 2:11:21 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		The only suggestion I would make to you before you SLAM the door shut, you search your heart completely and take into account that you both have some blame here. If your heart is closed, then by all means SLAM the door, however if it is not, then tread lightly. Often times when a door is slammed, it cannot be reopened. If you decide to keep the door open, then make sure you get help before committing to anything.

I too have closed many doors and there have been times when I regretted doing so. I just don't wish to see you in that position.

Aramis


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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 3:42:43 AM   
tweedydaddy


Posts: 673
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Why on earth are you bothering with your old Dom?
Tell them you've moved on.
You don't owe them a damned thing!
You say he broke your trust, you should have told them to fuck off there and then.

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 3:53:41 AM   
MasterAramis


Posts: 279
Joined: 7/29/2008
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Just a note: she never really stated what level of Trust was broken. We all hurt the people we care about. Imagine if everyone ran away when someone we cared about hurt us. No one would be talking to one another. Life is never that cut and dry. There is always shades of gray.

Look at this situation, if she has not told her present DOM what is going on, has she not broken trust with him? Does that mean she should be banished too? Using that logic, he should dismiss her.

While I don't tolerate abuse, we don't know both sides of their story and typically when someone does what she has done, it means she has feelings or lingering attachments that must be dealt with.

Aramis

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 5:00:48 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		You are the one giving him the power.  Perhaps you should stay away from his journal and any contact with him.  Do you want him to dismiss you again?  If I were you I would concentrate on the new dom who did not leave you for his ex.

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 5:09:39 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		Tell him to fuck off.  And then don't give him another thought.

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 6:22:05 AM   
Aswad


Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		This is a perfect time to introduce the old dom to the new dom, as well as having the new dom introduce the old dom to the concept of "you do not want a piece of this action," in as few words as are required to get the message across. If it should prove necessary to put it in very basic terms, chiseling it into his spine will usually do the trick, although that might lead to somewhat strained relations with the local law enforcement people. Always good to make it clear to the guy that such concerns are non-obstacles if he doesn't back off, though. A lot of predators can spot determination- or the lack thereof- from a mile away.



Health,
al-Aswad.


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"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.


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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 6:30:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		He might be laying on guilt trips, but you're the one putting them into your backpack. 

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 6:37:14 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Look at it from the new Dom's POV.  He's noticed that you are distracted.. not fully there.  He's owed an explanation.

Plus, this will be a good chance to see how he reacts in this situation.

A general caution - I HATE it when a sub/slave thinks that it is her duty to not burden me with what is going on inside her head.  It always ends with me asking her why the hell she did something "to please me" without any idea what actually does please me. 

If I'm in control, I need to know how she works! 


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 7:18:45 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		GoodFeathers, as I read this thread from start to finish I observe that you're a very agreeable person.  So much so that you agree with everyone who posts, no matter what they say.  You even go so far as to agree with your ex. 
 
You need to learn how to say "no", mean it (to yourself first), and live with it.  Period.  End of sentence.
 
John
 
P.S. - Please don't post that you agree with me... just do it.

< Message edited by Rover -- 11/26/2008 7:19:49 AM >

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