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RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 7:55:55 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I agree with Rover. You need to learn the word NO and also cut off contact completely. If you know that contact with him makes you unhappy, then stop the behavior!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 9:15:36 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Tell the new one. He needs to know that you need support in staying away from the old patterns. You need to account to him in order to stay out of contact. Win/win situation - helps you be stronger and increases the strength of the new relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 9:26:18 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		Take control of the situation of your ex.  If he sends you a mail, delete it unread. If he calls you, don't answer. If he texts you, delete it unread. If you have him on IM, delete him from your list. If you meet him by accident in the supermarket, nod your head as to say hi and walk away.

You don't have to have any contact with anyone whom you don't want to have contact with. By reading his messages, answering his calls, chatting with him when you meet by coincidence you are allowing him to mess with your head and feelings..... and that is your fault, not his. He's not your problem anymore....... unless you allow him to be, get my point?

Just go enjoy life with the new one. Don't let a guy who you already know is not working for your best benefit have such power and control over you. Good luck!

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 10:59:21 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Not telling the new guy yet - well, I don't see that as breaking trust because you said you were still in the "getting to know you" phase. We don't know what that means to you, exactly, so I don't see that as such a big deal.  It does seem prudent, though, to go to him and say, "I'm having a problem and I need help with it."

Particularly since you don't seem to have the willpower to just stop on your own. 


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Viridana)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 3:16:05 PM   
natasha66


Posts: 321
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: NJ
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ElectraGlide

Tell your old Dom to hit the road. A new clean slate was started and he is not in it. It sounds like your new Dom is kind and caring, unlike the old Dom. You owe it to yourself for a more positive life.


One thing to add....you owe it to yourself to be HAPPY, too.  Tell the old twit to hit the road.....emotional abuse sucks....been there done that.  Your situation is so similar to mine it's scary.

_____________________________

"If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress".
~Basil Fawlty

Collared June 4th, 2008
Love is giving him the power to destroy you, but trusting him not to.



(in reply to ElectraGlide)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 3:45:47 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers

Okay, so I've just had a little issue and I would like some advice. 

I've found myself a new Dom.  Very new.  However, I like him and I want to be a good pet to him.  I want to trust him and be trusted by him.  However, there are some trust issues remaining from my last relationship.  My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions.  I stopped loving him and stopped submitting properly. 

I should have left, but found myself unable to do so...as I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way.  There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split.  But I still wasn't strong enough to just leave.  I had to be dismissed.  And I was--for his ex.  It gave me the closure I desperately needed.  Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore.  It was like a weight had been lifted off of me. 

There was no more cowering and apologizing for being myself, for being with my family and my friends when I wanted to be.  For not being perfect in every way.  I was enjoying it.

Enter new Dom.  I didn't think it was gonna happen.  But we clicked on just about everything.  He wants me to explore myself and try new things.  All the things I've always been curious about, he wants me to explore and try and help me explore and try.  We're still in the "getting to know you" phase, but I'm happy.

Suddenly, ex Dom reenters my world.  I basically tell him I'm not comfortable being in contact with him for awhile.  He lays a guilt trip.  I stand my ground.  He lays another.  I start to waver.  He lays yet another on me.  I fall into an old repertoire of apologizing--for being me, for needing space from him, for not wanting to be close, for not being sad, for just about everything.  He keeps it up.  Eventually, I realize what I'm doing and try walking away from the situation. 

But I still felt the need to apologize and make it better.  He keeps a public, online journal...so I read it.  It's like one big guilt trip aimed at me.  I'm floored.

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my perception of my relationship with my ex or if he's actually a bit abusive. 

I believe I should tell my new Dom...but I'm not sure.  Would it help?  Would it be beneficial?  Should he even know? 

Uhm...help?



Usually when things like that resurface, I flush again.


_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 4:13:28 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz


Usually when things like that resurface, I flush again.



Oh that was beautiful in a brutal TMI sort of way!

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 4:45:59 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's simple.  He dumped you for a new toy, who happened to be an ex.  She dumped him, so now he wants you back so he has something to play with until something else comes along. 

Trust me, he'll be fine without you. 

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 5:42:44 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		yep - i agree - its not your job to make the ex happy. or sad. or wistful. or anything else.   Its his job.

You sound so co-dependent as to be paralysed!!!!!!  (been there, did that, got the therapy)

Make your self happy - thats your job.  Do it.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 8:22:43 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		Rover, my dear, I'm not simply agreeing with them.  I'm agreeing that there is a valid point of view that I should explore.

As it stands, due to work and family schedules, I haven't had a chance for a good sit down with my Dom to fully explain the situation.  He knows something is not quite right, though and I have every intention of laying the whole of my thoughts and feelings on the table for him.

I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door".  He is free to contact me, if he chooses.  I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it.

I admit to there being blame on both sides.  There's always more than one side to any story.  I admit to becoming withdrawn and emotionally hiding myself--a mistake that I am resolved to never repeat. 
I do not wish to place more blame on my ex than what he deserves, so I will not sit here and throw around all too easy to make emotionally flared accusations. 
Rather, I will state the way I feel when he is around--about 1" tall and wholly incompetent.  I cannot simply blame him fully for "making" me feel that way.  As a human being, it is my duty to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.


P.S.    ...I will...


_____________________________

"The more I learn, the more I realize I haven't learned enough."

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 8:40:05 PM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers

Okay, so I've just had a little issue and I would like some advice. 

I've found myself a new Dom.  Very new.  However, I like him and I want to be a good pet to him.  I want to trust him and be trusted by him.  However, there are some trust issues remaining from my last relationship.  My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions.  I stopped loving him and stopped submitting properly. 

I should have left, but found myself unable to do so...as I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way.  There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split.  But I still wasn't strong enough to just leave.  I had to be dismissed.  And I was--for his ex.  It gave me the closure I desperately needed.  Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore.  It was like a weight had been lifted off of me. 

There was no more cowering and apologizing for being myself, for being with my family and my friends when I wanted to be.  For not being perfect in every way.  I was enjoying it.

Enter new Dom.  I didn't think it was gonna happen.  But we clicked on just about everything.  He wants me to explore myself and try new things.  All the things I've always been curious about, he wants me to explore and try and help me explore and try.  We're still in the "getting to know you" phase, but I'm happy.

Suddenly, ex Dom reenters my world.  I basically tell him I'm not comfortable being in contact with him for awhile.  He lays a guilt trip.  I stand my ground.  He lays another.  I start to waver.  He lays yet another on me.  I fall into an old repertoire of apologizing--for being me, for needing space from him, for not wanting to be close, for not being sad, for just about everything.  He keeps it up.  Eventually, I realize what I'm doing and try walking away from the situation. 

But I still felt the need to apologize and make it better.  He keeps a public, online journal...so I read it.  It's like one big guilt trip aimed at me.  I'm floored.

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with my perception of my relationship with my ex or if he's actually a bit abusive. 

I believe I should tell my new Dom...but I'm not sure.  Would it help?  Would it be beneficial?  Should he even know? 

Uhm...help?


Hard to make a statement as to if he is abusive without any input on that. Maybe you just aren't compatible in your views on what Dominance and submission are. Guilting someone isn't a mature thing to do but it's not abusive in my eyes either. Just bad behavior.

< Message edited by Icarys -- 11/26/2008 8:41:10 PM >

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 9:25:46 PM   
CruelDesires


Posts: 824
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers

My previous Dom had broken my trust on several occasions. 
I found myself being controlled in a very unhealthy way. 
There was a certain amount of emotional abuse going on and I didn't realize it until shortly before we split. 


And you are even entertaining some type of relationship with this guy? Even as a casual acquaintance? Seriously?

C-D

_____________________________

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 9:53:18 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers
I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door".  He is free to contact me, if he chooses.  I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it.


Yeah, cuz he's been a shining example of a stand-up guy so far.   

You feel one inch tall around him, yet you're leaving the door open for him to contact you.  Why? Why? Why?????????????

Seriously... tell your new guy as soon as possible... SOMEONE needs to take charge.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/26/2008 10:03:47 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		~fr~

this is something I tell my students who are being bullied at school:

Think of yourself as a mirror.  The bully who tells you that you are fat/ugly/stupid/useless/whatever is not telling YOU this, they are telling THEMSELVES this.  They find something about themselves that they don't like, and then find some random person who they percieve as being better than themselves, and throw all of their self-disgust and hatred at this innocent person.

This dom is an insecure little boy who has not left high school emotionally.  He needs help, because this is a vicious cycle of self-hatred and emotional abuse towards others that has undoubtedly been going on since childhood.  Until he gets this help he is dangerous to be around.  Eventually his partners will feel as bad about themselves as he does about himself. 

OP - walk away from him, and don't look back.  You've found a dom who wants a nurturing relationship - spend your energy on him rather than waste it on someone who will only do you harm.

good luck  x

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 4:53:26 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers


I told the ex that I don't wish to have much contact with him for a while, but I have not "slammed the door".  He is free to contact me, if he chooses.  I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it.



Horny jilted guy?  Ain't gonna happen.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 5:03:59 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers

You are right, Aramis.

I knew reading his journal was a mistake as soon as I opened it. 

I don't want to go back into anything with him.  I'm sure counseling would help, but I don't want to keep feeling small and insignificant when he's around.  I don't wish to have contact with him anymore...I want to move on. 



If you want to move on, then do it. The only power he has over you, is what you allow him to have.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 5:59:34 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I simply hope that he waits until I'm in a more stable place to deal with it.


Why do you allow him to control you?  Seriously, go have a life without him, you'll be much happier. 






_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 7:07:41 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodFeathers

Rover, my dear, I'm not simply agreeing with them.  I'm agreeing that there is a valid point of view that I should explore.


Yeah, I understand that.  Just like you agree that there's a valid point to your ex which is why you shouldn't close the door on him even though it mystifies all of mankind as to how/why you wouldn't do so.
 
Sorry to be blunt, but treating you delicately won't do you any good.  And you did come here soliciting advice/comment.  But the truth is that you'd find a valid reason to consider just about anything.  And that's why you're in the process of considering everything (even the unthinkable).
 
John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to GoodFeathers)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 8:41:37 PM   
scottishjason


Posts: 23
Joined: 6/25/2008
Status: offline 		This is something that you MUST tell your new dom.  He should then confront your old dom and take care of the issue.  When a sub makes a commitment to a dom he is also making a commitment to her.  He must keep her safe, secure, and cause her no harm.  It is your current doms responsibility to inform your old dom that this kind of behavior is not welcome. 

As for this guys online journal… come on… its some words on a website.  No one really cares. 

(in reply to Rover)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Old Dom resurfaces... - 11/27/2008 9:11:19 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

He should then confront your old dom and take care of the issue. 


Oh, the drama that would create.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to scottishjason)
Profile   Post #: 40
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