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Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 6:57:15 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		This is one of those early morning, coffee and holiday-loneliness induced philosophical threads so bare with me. It's also written from a monogamous perspective.

In the search of a partner, my own experiences have led me to two extremes that both seem to have negative consequences and I have been struggling as of late to find exactly where the line is.

On one hand, there is the pursuit of a caricature. An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is. The sum total of the knowledge provided by one's own desires, personality, and experiences as to what the Summum Bonum of an intimate relationship would be.

I've met a number of people who take this approach to their relationships, refusing to settle "for less". By a snowball survey, I have found the majority of these people to be single or spending most of their time single.

When considering this approach to searching for a partner, certain questions become raised.
  • Does this person even exist outside of one's own mind?
  • Since people are rarely ever ideals, is this a self defeating philosophy of spending one's life trying to fit square pegs into round holes?
  • Is it better to hold out for the ideal at the expense of denying one's self the experiences of being with people?

Personally, I have felt the flaws of this approach firsthand. I had someone I had an amazing connect with and was someone, looking in hindsight, that I believe could be making me very happy right now. But the square peg didn't quite fit into the round hole and by letting these imperfections bother me instead of accepting them, I managed to destroy the foundation of our relationship which she wasn't able to recover from.

On the other hand, we have the pragmatic approach to relationships. Abandoning the ideology, the caricature, and the ideal and simply just accepting the person for the person. Just finding someone you connect with in some way and working out the rest. In comparison to the negatives of the other way, at first glance, this seems like the best approach.

However, it also raises some questions.
  • At what point does "accepting a person as a person" become "settling for less"?
  • When does "working out the rest" become just getting used to and dealing with the things we cannot have?
  • Is this approach merely reducing the risk of being lonely the rest of one's life at the expense of what one wants?

I've met quite a few people who took this approach and later became trapped in relationships that were unfulfilling to them.

Personally, I have experienced that as when I first got started in this, I settled for less and became involved in a long distance relationship that went on and off for about a year. It wasn't the right relationship for me, but the fear of not knowing the warmth of another person outweighed the pain of a lack of passion. Leaving that relationship was a huge growing experience for me and wasn't until reflection after the fact that I became fully aware of what I had been doing.

So the questions I am posing are...
  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?
  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?


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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:16:25 AM   
Violation


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/27/2008
Status: offline 		Brutal are the lessons learned in hindsight.  Women are delightful creatures, varied in so many ways.  Understanding which delights you must have and which you can overlook is part of growing.  In youth we often look for physical perfection and judge harshly, with age comes a need for other things, and perhaps you are at that awkward age where those two conflict?

Only in knowing what you want from a woman can you begin to see them.  Knowing that with some you will experience some wicked delight you may never see again with another is part of the journey.  Allowing yourself to widen your experience and enjoyment of the many possible delights is part of that.  Learning to balance and accept that is the key to finding and treasuring her unique gifts and perhaps more importantly of making the most of those gifts, both for you and for her.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:17:06 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		Let's start with the understanding that none of us is perfect.  So we all have our faults, and all our potential partners have faults. 

The issue is not to ignore those faults... that's how people wake up one day and say "I can't take another day of that idiot (fill in the blank with the now enormously annoying fault)" and go off like a powder keg.  The issue is two-fold... one, identifying those faults that can be changed (some can) and realistically evaluating whether that can be done successfully.  Talking about it openly and honestly with that prospective partner is a good start.  They have to buy into the change, or it's not going to happen.
 
But more importantly is to honestly ask yourself if you can accept (seriously... accept them without complaint or annoyance) those faults which cannot be changed.  And having decided one way or the other, put it out of your mind.  Easier said than done, I know.  But anything short of that and all you're doing is delaying the inevitable.
 
John

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:18:05 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		My great, deep and intense opinion on which approach to use in finding a partner is... it's all a big gamble. The trick, like any gamble, is trying to figure out where the odds will pay off for you. Which is, of course, much easier said than done.

I realize you are writing from a monogamous point of view and, while we no longer qualify, we did not so long again so I will try to write from that perspective.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit


  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?


The "Sure, I'll give you a shot" method. Granted it's not for everyone but I had a lot of fun flirting, hooking up and "trying on" different relationships - most of which didn't last very long but a few did. If I was attracted to a person on some reasonable level and thought they were interesting I'd give it a whirl and see what happened.

As I went I learned a lot about what fit and didn't fit. I feel this has helped me decide/realize what I want in the long run and what will make me happy in the long run.
quote:


  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?


So far the worst negatives I've encountered are people thinking I'm a slut because I usually had at least some sexual interaction with the people I was with. It was something that, for the most part, I've just learned to shrug off.
quote:


  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?


Honestly, I'd consider my approach the middle ground to the "shotgun" approach of dating anyone who happens to be the right gender and hoping for the best.
quote:


  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?



Well I'm not sure if my method fits into either of what you described. I didn't settle on Val though he certainly isn't the perfect man I dreamed of when I was eight. He can drive me up the wall like no one else! But he's also such a good match for me that his imperfections, while they make me want to pull my hair out, seem well worth it in the big picture.

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:23:07 AM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		I know this is kind of silly but I take the eHarmony approach to this. They have a section called "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" and an enormously long list of things for both list, but you are only allowed to pick 10 in each list.

The exercise is a rather transparent attempt for you to narrow down the things that are crucial for you in a relationship. What are the true deal breakers and the true things that you must have.

For instance for me, I can't have a smoker. That's a deal breaker. I must have someone that shares my spiritual beliefs that's also a deal breaker. By limiting it to 10 things in each list it allows you to filter out the things that really are just "little" things to you and things that can be worked out. Though I personally don't use eHarmony now, I still carried that concept with me when looking for a partner.

I think when you are approaching a potential relationship it's important to give the person a chance first, communicate with them, go out with them a few times casually to get to know them. I guess in that since I am more pragmatic. I treat everyone as a blank slate and get to know them at least on a friend level before applying my "would they make a good partner" mindset n them. That way I won't throw out someone just because on the surface they don't seem like they could be right. You know the whole "never judge a book by it's cover" thing.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:25:25 AM   
Rover


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Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: trealeon

I know this is kind of silly but I take the eHarmony approach to this. They have a section called "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" and an enormously long list of things for both list, but you are only allowed to pick 10 in each list.


In power exchange relationships we often distinguish between "needs" (the must haves and can't stands) and "wants" (preferences that can be lived without).  We just have to be different.
 
John

< Message edited by Rover -- 11/27/2008 7:26:09 AM >

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:32:24 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

On one hand, there is the pursuit of a caricature. An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is. The sum total of the knowledge provided by one's own desires, personality, and experiences as to what the Summum Bonum of an intimate relationship would be.

In most cases, this is a bad idea.  There is no perfect partner.  I've met some awesome women in my time... "C" who was probably the best thing to ever happen to me... "K" who I still miss.... "S" who was a Playmate... and while I have fond memories of them all, none of them was perfect.  That's the problem with building up a too detailed ideal image of the perfect partner... it tends to get unrealistic and progresses towards impossible.

quote:

When considering this approach to searching for a partner, certain questions become raised.

  • Does this person even exist outside of one's own mind?
  • Since people are rarely ever ideals, is this a self defeating philosophy of spending one's life trying to fit square pegs into round holes?
  • Is it better to hold out for the ideal at the expense of denying one's self the experiences of being with people?


1) Probably not... depends on how realistic your ideal is.
2) It can be and from your own experience, that seems to have been the case.
3) Absolutely not... even if you are searching for that ideal... nothing saying you can't enjoy the rest of the garden along the way.  Pluck them flowers man... pluck'em I say!

quote:

On the other hand, we have the pragmatic approach to relationships. Abandoning the ideology, the caricature, and the ideal and simply just accepting the person for the person. Just finding someone you connect with in some way and working out the rest. In comparison to the negatives of the other way, at first glance, this seems like the best approach.

Has its merits, but if you go too far the other way with it... it still just doesn't work.  I've watched guys do this... and then resign themselves to relationships they got themselves into, and were now trapped in because of children, but which they really didn't want to be in... and waited for the inevitable affairs, often on both sides.

quote:

However, it also raises some questions.

  • At what point does "accepting a person as a person" become "settling for less"?
  • When does "working out the rest" become just getting used to and dealing with the things we cannot have?
  • Is this approach merely reducing the risk of being lonely the rest of one's life at the expense of what one wants?


1) When you decide having someone is more important than having what you need and really want.
2) See above
3) Yup

quote:

So the questions I am posing are...

  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?
  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?


1) I try to take the middle road between the two.  I don't have an "ideal" image in my head of what I want... instead I have a list of qualities and traits that are very important to me and on which I will not compromise.  I also have a list of things I won't tolerate or accept, and on which I also won't compromise.  Outside of these two lists, everything else is open.  In other words, I separated what was important to me from what wasn't, that was all the clarity I needed.
2) One negative I've noticed is that with submissives I apparently don't present a clear enough image of what I expect, I'm too laid back about it.  Some seem to misunderstand that and are confused by it.  Being demanding has its place.
3) See 1 above
4) Possibly... the world is full of possibilities.


_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:43:58 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I like to think that between dating and marrying at 25, and discovering bdsm at 48, i have matured a bit, and am more aware of what i truly need in a relationship.
For instance, when i was 25 looks were important. If they were too tall, too short  - too anything, i wasn't going to go there. At 48 i wasn't so obsessed at the outer package - i met my Sir and didn't like his glasses (soooo '80's), or his clothing style(not sure what era). However, i enjoyed his conversation and his intellect, as well as his sense of humor.  And maybe more important - he understood my sense of humor.  I really felt we connected on so many levels other than the physical.   And he was definitely someone that i thought i could have a physical relationship with.

He has things that i would love to change -   BUT - these things aren't bad enough for me to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I can ignore them.

and to be equitable - i have things with me that Sir ignores.
We are so compatible on so many different levels that the negatives are negligible.  For us, we can celebrate the great things we have together and downplay the bad.

I do think it is a crap shoot finding someone so compatable,  however, neither of us are in the first flush of youth, and we have been around long enough to know that perfect is only possible on paper.     
        
                Sorry people - if you find a perfect someone that means you have died, and are in heaven.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:47:55 AM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		I’m sorry that it’s a bad day for you MadRabbit. 

My approach tends to be to identify the core values and personality traits that I have to have.  Things that really can't be taught because they are about the core of who you are.  Integrity for example.  Then identify the things I cannot have.  Practicing alcoholism for example.  Then do my very best to make sure those traits are possessed by (or not, as the case may be) a potential partner.  If they are there, then it becomes about chemistry and general compatibility.  Once those things are in place, then I can see the person and, as others have said, try one on for size.  But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter how much chemistry there is, if those core things are not present, then there is no potential for a sustainable relationship.  And as Rover said, truly looking at and evaluating those other qualities, that while maybe not deal breakers in and of themselves, may become an issue down the road a bit.

But also realizing that each relationship is unique and gave its own special gift.  Don’t beat yourself up if one fails.  Know that there *was* goodness in it that brought you joy, and that there are lessons there for you to learn and grow from. 

love

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:48:34 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
So the questions I am posing are...
  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?
  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?



I can't help but smile when I consider my early approach and standard before Alandra came into my life.  I was very much the hardline type of approach those many years ago... or so I thought.  I wanted alot of things in an intimate partner way back when but three thinks stuck out the most for me.
- she needed to be catholic
- she needed to have post-secondary education or moving in that direction.
- she needed to be a non-smoker.

In hindsight.. these three things are all rather silly in that they never really address what I actually wanted.  There are even more silly when a person realizes that... Alandra was not a catholic or practiced any religion, She wasn't even done High School and post-secondary was not even in the cards... and she smoked!  How the hell did I end up with her.

Well... What I actually needed..

Was a person whose moral values and principles matched my own. 
Was a person who was willing to grow and evolve with me
Was a person that cared about her health and way she looked.

Alandra has and had wonderful values and principles that meld very well with me and I with her.
Alandra was and still is always willling to grow and adapt to life before her. 
Alandra always still looks great and took pride on how she dressed and eventually she did quit smoking a few years after we met. (it wasn't an easy habit for her to break)

In many ways... I just won the lottery when Alandra came into my life.  She was exactly what I needed even though I wasn't aware of it.  She has some key characteristics that attracted me to her and her to me.   I recall a few months after we had been dating wondering to myself why she was in my life.   I don't ever remember having the answer to that question in an complete way.  ... but I do remember that I didn't want her Not in my life.  In fact.. the idea of her not in my life was not a pleasant feeling at all.   I recall then as I do now feeling a great sense of warmth and love in my life that wasn't there before her.  I remember admiring her in so many ways and equally felt admired and wanted.  Nothing about her felt negative... well except maybe the smoking lol.  If I remember right... she couldn't kiss me afterwards unless she did something for the smell and taste in her mouth, she also couldn't smoke around me (which was rather frustrating for her when she was around me alot lol)... god I hated the smoking!

I don't know if anything of this is answer your questions... so I will add this.  I think it is useful to have standards or wants and needs in a partner.  However, I think one should take a more flexible stance instead of a rigid one.  In the end... Ask yourself... are you content with life if you don't have this person with you.  Are you going to be happy to just carry out without them.  I wasn't with Alandra and as result... I revisited what I wanted.. an what We could do with all those negatives.... negatives of her and ME!  It was the same approach that I used with Kyra as well.  and Ironically there was a few things that striked her out of having a relationship with me... like no long distance.. and no cats! mmmmmmm she lived over 2500 miles from me and she had three cats... I was fucking nuts about her.  Did I settle for Alandra.. Did I settle for Kyra.... DAMN RIGHTS!  I settled to be Happy!!!!

I didn't do my acid test with another girl that came into mine and Alandra's life few years before Kyra.  It turned out to be a disaster.  Truth be told... what compelled me to be with this person wasn't the person... but my own hopes of what this relationship was going to be.  I didn't sit back and let myself feel and think what I felt and thought for the person like I did with Alandra and Kyra.  I relearned that lesson well.. .in fact... Kyra came into my life at the tailend of that old relationship.  I wasn't actually looking for anyone... and that was the third thing that was a strike against Kyra... I didn't want to get into another relationship.  But... I learned who she was.. she learned who I was...  I sat back and felt and thought about this person and I didn't like the idea of my life without her in it.  I settled once again... to be happy. 

As a last thought.. I have done my acid test and rejected people.  Before and After Kyra.  Why I didn't do it that one time with this previous relationship is something that often bothers me.. because I don't have that answer.  But... I do know.. that when I have done it and brought the person into my life... It has been wonderful... I can't begin to tell anyone with words or actions the depth of feeling I have for these two women and our relationship together..  The word love seems inadequate... in fact any word or set of words just seems inadequate to describe how I feel about what I have.  I am lucky that is for sure.. but I also know.. that even though I was lucky enough to have these two women cross my path.. It was my choice to capture that luck and settle at being happy that made it happen.

I wonder... is it a bad thing to settle to be happy?  To be happy for a lifetime!? 

_____________________________

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:51:45 AM   
yourMissTress


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From: Nashville, TN
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I am currently looking for a primary partner.  In the past I have used each of the two methodologies that you have outlined.  Here is my experience and what I have learned in the process.
 
I have and had an image in my head of my "ideal" partner.  I thought I had met him.  What I found out was that the ideal in my head was not a human being.  That man didn't have any flaws, because I created him without them.  So my expectations of this man that I was dating were unrealistic and unfair.  I was disappointed that he was human.  Eventually the expectations that I had placed on him in my own mind were too much for him to live up to and the relationship ended, badly.  My fault, completely, and I was very sorry to hurt him.
 
I have "settled" for someone who met a few of my criteria, but it was not even close to enough of my criteria, and things went south quickly in this relationship as well.   We were great friends, had lots of fun, but when the rubber met the road we just didn't have enough of a connection to sustain the relationship when things were not perfect.  I tried, and I think I tried harder in this relationship than any other to make it work, and that may have been my downfall.  I was more hurt because I couldn't make it work than I was that the relationship was over.
 
Since the end of my last LTR, where I settled, I have dated a few people and I've learned that there are things that I just have to have in a partner, and things that I would like but aren't necessarily a must, and things that are nice but I don't care about one way or the other.  So I've learned to see past the ideal, understand what I cannot settle for, and have a more realistic view of what I seek.  Some of these things are deep and meaningful and others are rather superficial and shallow, but they are what works for me. 
 
I am in no hurry to jump into a primary relationship.  I have plenty of secondary partners, playmates, and friends that I am quite content with.  But I am looking for the right person, the one who fits in all the ways that are important to me, and the one who thinks that I fit in all the ways that are important to him.  I have no doubt that in time, that person will come along.

< Message edited by yourMissTress -- 11/27/2008 7:54:29 AM >

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 8:01:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
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Status: offline 		Compatibility, chemistry, and this is exactly why I insist on holding yourself to your highest sense of self, never compromising who you are and never saying "you" when "me" is being undermined.

(And I'm into degradation, so I'm not talking kinky play)

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 8:17:42 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		 
 My head is aching even reading your thoughts . . . . . .  Maybe a dog, cat and ferret might amuse you in your loneliness?? 
Which methodology do you take to finding a partner? 
A body of practices, procedures rules for this discipline of finding a SO who is like minded in kink and lifestyle.How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology? 
A body of ideas needs, wants, desires and aspirations in another individual reflecting the seeker.Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
Pragmatic studying the cause and effect of events with emphasis on the practical lessons learned.Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing? You completely think way tooooooo much Rabbit !!!! Since it seems I rarely think left brained, analytically, I am not sure why anyone would want to begin the day by deliberately saying "Today I will begin a pragmatic search for my SO because the ideological method posed a bit more procedures and structure than I am willing to take on at this point.  I must think on my methodology of finding my SO or else I might not find exactly what I search for and then I must settle for whomever comes closest to my analytical musings." Does anyone ever really do this? Go on out and have George Webb's or a zillion White Castle burgs on this find day of thanks and gratefulness.  We did in college !!    

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 8:31:01 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:


* Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?


I take the "right partner falling into my lap" approach. I talk to all different kinds of people, and begin comfortable, casual relationships without any expectation that they'll become 'romantic'... I have lots of people that I enjoy being with (at least, plenty for an INTJ), and sometimes, out of those casual friendships, something extraordinary develops that makes me re-think life in new ways.

quote:

* How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?

For me, this has been a win/win philosophy. I develop lots of associations that are fulfilling to maintain at the pace and speed that we're both comfortable with. I get to enjoy a wide variety of people, and keep the pressure off of everyone to 'be' something in particular to one another.

quote:

* Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?


Yes, this is the middle ground that I came to after years of fear that I'd -never- have anyone in my life... fears that were instilled and reinforced by my blood-kin, who told me that nobody was -ever- going to want a strange creature like me.

Because there are no expectations weighing down the relationships I find myself in now (whether intimate, friendship, association, or acquaintance), I find that we're able to be completely ourselves, and that other outlets serve to "fill in" the places where we diverge, while still allowing us complete enjoyment of the places where we merge. Like the warp and weft of woven cloth, there are people or things in my life that fill in those 'separate' spaces.

For me, because I'm poly, I have the capacity for a broader relationship with the people who make up the 'wefts' in my life... but even as a monogamous person, keeping the depth and breadth of outside activities and hobbies can fill in those spaces where you each go your own way. It also provides the opportunity to not have to either 'settle' for an unsatisfying relationship or hold out for unrealistic perfection.

quote:

* Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?


And that's the method I've chosen... It worked phenomenally as a 3rd option for me.


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 8:37:00 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		The phrase *searching for a partner* would be the off-putting phrase for me. I simply wouldn't do it.

Accepting a 'person as a person' isn't settling for *less* ....It's accepting the *whole package*. I've never, ever, met a single person that didn't have bits I have had to tolerate or find annoying and that includes my own offspring AND M.

I've found that it boils down to cost/benefit when it comes to relationships of all types. Even friendships come down to that. If there's enough to keep you WANTING to be there then you'll continue pursuing. Over time it becomes apparent whether you can be bothered or not.

I'm not trapped in a relationship with M , even if it changes and I decide, or he decides, it's not working for one or the other of us any longer. If you're emotionally invested, that part is always going to be uncomfortable to wade through, no matter who you are or what relationship you're in.

I've also never *looked for* a partner.....I've just got to know people as people because they've sparked some kind of interest that's KEPT me interested.

When you're searching for something, whatever it is , you have an agenda that can really bugger you when it comes to just letting the *getting to know you* process happen.

agirl










(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 8:45:49 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?


I have been and am monogamous, so coming from that relationship standpoint, I don't look.  Never have.  I am similar to LadyCalla in that I have always been a 'fall in their lap' kind of person.  Enjoying people for who and what they are and finding someone compatable and working out that there are more feelings there.

quote:

How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?


I do not see any negatives in that ideology.  I like myself, I love myself and I know I have fantastic family and friends and even though I longed to be in a relationship I have always been pretty happy in my own company so it's just a case of it happens when it happens.
quote:

  
Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?

I would say what you are missing is that you are looking and searching instead of living.  It's cool to want to be in a relationship that lasts, but I would never recommend to anyone that they should 'search' for a partner - particularly if they have a list of haves and have nots.  Concentrating too much on looking instead of seeing, hinders.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:05:15 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i think im somewhere in the middle...i now know what i can and cant deal with from another person on a daily basis. i have had and loved having a real and solid relationship that was built on trust and cooperation and it was really wonderfully stable...until it wasnt. i can do it again someday...but for now, im really good where i am.

So without touching on all the specifics of my lifepartnercompatibilitycomprehensiveexaminationandevaluationandplan....i think that if two (or more) people are in the same emotional place at the same time and have similar goals in life, with a lot of work (that actually should feel effortless) a relationship can form and grow....at least thats how the last long term one went...

similar or complementary values and goals
similar or complementary intellect and communication skills

As the years have progressed since the Days of Denise, my idea of what an actual relationship looks like has morphed into more of a free love, friendship based, casual thing...

The thing i want and the thing i need to have, is someone to bear witness to my life and experiences....someone to turn to and say..."did you just see that?" i have that now, its just with several different people with several different "titles"...but the common term they all share is "friend".

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:09:18 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the great responses and wide variety of responses.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

 
 My head is aching even reading your thoughts . . . . . .  Maybe a dog, cat and ferret might amuse you in your loneliness?? 
Which methodology do you take to finding a partner? 
A body of practices, procedures rules for this discipline of finding a SO who is like minded in kink and lifestyle.How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology? 
A body of ideas needs, wants, desires and aspirations in another individual reflecting the seeker.Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
Pragmatic studying the cause and effect of events with emphasis on the practical lessons learned.Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing? You completely think way tooooooo much Rabbit !!!! Since it seems I rarely think left brained, analytically, I am not sure why anyone would want to begin the day by deliberately saying "Today I will begin a pragmatic search for my SO because the ideological method posed a bit more procedures and structure than I am willing to take on at this point.  I must think on my methodology of finding my SO or else I might not find exactly what I search for and then I must settle for whomever comes closest to my analytical musings." Does anyone ever really do this? Go on out and have George Webb's or a zillion White Castle burgs on this find day of thanks and gratefulness.  We did in college !!    


Philosophical discussions aren't everyone's cup of tea and not even someone like me who's mind works in a sense of calculating logic implores an algorithim in every decision one makes on a daily basis. In fact, most decisions I make, at least, come from the gut, instinct and intuition.

However, exploring the cause of the decision and examining the consequences of it can prove helpful for the future.

I'm not someone who believes that we are destined to anything, much less love and a fulfilling relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: loveandlight87
I’m sorry that it’s a bad day for you MadRabbit. 


Not too bad. I'm up and about and doing what I love. Cooking for Thanksgiving! Collard greens on the stove and squash casserole in the oven.

The holidays just seem to have a way of bringing about some introspection and reflection on past lovers when they start off with one alone in an empty bed.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:11:44 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		i say we all take a road trip and pile into MR's bed.....

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:11:50 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I would say what you are missing is that you are looking and searching instead of living.  It's cool to want to be in a relationship that lasts, but I would never recommend to anyone that they should 'search' for a partner - particularly if they have a list of haves and have nots.  Concentrating too much on looking instead of seeing, hinders.
 
the.dark.

 
That's a really good point and very insightful. That's a relevation I think I have been slowly coming to over the last few months. The choice in the people I have been dating has broadened greatly and not narrowly forced into the criteria of "potential for power based relationship".
 
Even when I know it's not going to go anywhere, the experiences of spending time with the person have (mostly) been beneficial and enriching.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 20
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