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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 11:29:39 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		While I am happy for those who find what they are looking for without actively searching for it, that strategy generally hasn't worked well for me.

It has happened once in rare awhiles that I've met somebody serendipitously and it's worked out.

But the large gulfs of time between those lightning strikes of good fortune make that an undesirable strategy for me personally.

While I have had some success as a result of pure happenstance, mostly it has come as a result of getting out and beating the brush with a stick.

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 1:30:19 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is.



Aim high to win the prize, within the scope of the realistic.

Providing the important attributes are present, I'm game enough.

Perfection is not on my agenda.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 2:07:46 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		As sort of an addendum, as I read through the last few posts, something occurred to me about the whole "settle" vs. "ideal" thing.

If I had to say which end of the spectrum I float towards, I've realized that I go for the 'ideal'... but that my 'ideal' changes from occasion to occasion.... or, maybe more accurately, my 'ideal' is more of a "fascination" thing than a set of characteristics, in that the person has to pique my curiosity and maintain my interest, which isn't particularly easy--and for which the characteristics might change over a rather short period, so what is interesting to me today may turn out to be dull and boring somewhere down the road... or that person may not be able to keep up the level of intensity that attracts me long-term. Because I -know- I'm difficult, it makes it easier for me to adapt to life that doesn't always include another person... and sometimes to even -prefer- that way of life. The one thing that the process of letting go of the need to hunt for a companion requires is the ability to be happy being alone if someone suitable isn't in the picture. IME, it takes being just as happy without a partner as with one, and there are a lot of people who just can't see themselves in that place.

The reason it works for me is because I really sort of look at having a companion as a luxury. My life is full enough that having a companion isn't a necessity -- I can keep myself full, pleasant, and keep myself completely entertained, whether or not there is another person in my life, and having someone else there doesn't confer any special 'benefits' aside from the personality and person. I don't 'settle' because having someone in my life who isn't suitable is more of an annoyance than being alone -- I'd rather not bother at all... but a LOT of people are just the other way. Having a companion, and that sense of another person's presence in their 'space' is crucial for their comfort... so going without is absolutely not an option, and 'settling' isn't really 'settling'... it's accepting that having a person to -be- with is more important than having the 'perfect' person to be with.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 12/2/2008 2:08:47 PM >

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***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 5:40:58 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

While I am happy for those who find what they are looking for without actively searching for it, that strategy generally hasn't worked well for me.

It has happened once in rare awhiles that I've met somebody serendipitously and it's worked out.

But the large gulfs of time between those lightning strikes of good fortune make that an undesirable strategy for me personally.

While I have had some success as a result of pure happenstance, mostly it has come as a result of getting out and beating the brush with a stick.


Hi Jeptha,
I do understand what you are saying. What I was trying to get across, and maybe not very successfully, is it never mattered to me if I had a relationship or not. I am basically a hermit, and am very good at entertaining myself and being alone. Luckily for me, both men that have been significant in my life were/are the same way. This speaks for me though, and i know i not in the norm.
oceanwynds

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 8:27:25 PM   
kidwithknife


Posts: 193
Joined: 9/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?


Neither as such, I think.

On one hand, I don't have an image of a perfect partner in my head, that I'm looking for specifically. 

But if I date someone it's because I absolutely want to be dating them.  And while I don't have a "checklist" as such, it is true that there are a number of traits that pretty much guarantee that I'll be interested in someone.  To the extent that my close friends can infallibly tell if I'll be interested, before I've even met that person.  (This is sometimes vaguely annoying).

However, the crucial thing about my methodology is that it's entirely based on my present desires.  I only look at whether I want to be with someone in the here and now, without looking at the bigger picture.  A lot of that is to do with my general way of interacting with the world, not just specifically about relationships.  I've always had trouble with understanding the concept of "future", apart from on a purely abstract level.

It also applies to when I'm actually in a relationship.  I remain in that relationship unless it becomes the case that being in the relationship is less enjoyable then not being in it.  (That's quite close to Jeptha's approach, I think).

quote:

How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?


I just live with them really.  There's two main issues I've found with my ideology.

Firstly, while I have had several long-term relationships, the approach of "if it feels good do it" does lead to a lot of what I describe as my 'shooting star' relationships.  Fiery.  Passionate.  Exciting.  Burn out completely in a short period of time.  Working entirely in the present does mean that I often do end up getting completely wrapped up in the excitement of having a new relationship.  And sometimes it turns out that was the main thing the relationship had.

Secondly, this is possibly more of a reflection of my failings then my methodology.  There are some issues that, if the relationship lasts a significant amount of time, are going to cause problems.  The most obvious one would be the fact that I don't ever want children.  If I get with a girl who does, that will eventually blow up.  My way of 'dealing' with that is to stick my fingers in my ears and shout "lalalalalala" loudly.  I accept that's possibly not the most productive way of tackling the issue.

quote:

Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?
See above.  I don't think it's a middle ground as such, because it's neither "settling for" nor "holding out".  It's a completely separate methodology.

But it's not necessarily a better way of approaching relationships.  It works for me, but it's certainly not for everyone.  While it avoids some of the pitfalls you mention, it merely replaces them with new ones.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 9:10:32 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Upon skimming some of the post it seems as though quite a few folks have a concept for dating and finding the right match.  I prefer to keep things simple.  I used the shotgun theory put yourself out there I don't mean hiding behind a computer chatting. 

I have met girls playing coed sports, sailing, on planes, stores, jsut about anywhere.  I met my girl of 8 years playing in a euchre tourny.  Date as many ppl as you can.  The right one will come along even if it takes awhile you will have a blast meeting new ppl.

It seems obvious that making a list and checking it twice is not working for you.  So toss a tack in and look for a cool summer breeze...

All the best.  BadOne

_____________________________

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/2/2008 9:52:22 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't think it's about settling, but more about keeping an open mind and abandoning the illusion of the "ideal" partner.  It's not as if we can leaf through a catalog and get the exact age, size and specs we want. 

There are a few fundamental things that I've learned I can't compromise on.  For example, I won't consider married men, emotionally unavailable men, or men who lack depth and intensity.  What I have found is that any time I have compromised on any of the few basic requirements that I have, it's always become the eventual basis for the demise of the relationship.

Beyond that, I have preferences.  I prefer a guy who's not a biker, I prefer a guy who doesn't smoke, I prefer someone local, I prefer someone around my own age, I prefer tall with a goatee, and blah blah blah,  but whatever.  I'm not about to make these things deal breakers.  I just keep an open mind to the possibilities, and I don't really have an exact picture in my head of the ideal dominant, but more of an obscure vision that I expect will eventually come into perfect focus.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/3/2008 12:32:46 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		sorry marie...in this community you will never find a dom with a goatee...youre going to have to take that off your list
Have you noticed all the shaved heads and goatees...was there a demo at the last Dom Convention or what?

perse

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/3/2008 7:09:15 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds
...What I was trying to get across, and maybe not very successfully, is it never mattered to me if I had a relationship or not. I am basically a hermit, and am very good at entertaining myself and being alone. ...

I get the hermit thing. I'm pretty good at being alone, too - too good, in fact.

When I've been single, it wasn't the experience of day to day life on my own that made me want a relationship. I am not a person who is unhappy without a relationship.

It was when I would take "the long view"; looking back over my life and figuring out what things I'd done that were of most value to me.

Though I'm easily amused and enjoy dinking around with almost anything, my relationship experiences stood out as something that really engaged and fascinated me, as things that were generally of greater intensity than, say, working on the house or doing an art project.

Additionally, since I've hit the upper 40's, I've had more of a sense that life is short, and - while I still accept and enjoy my time when I'm single, still, that consideration of the brevity of the endeavor in its entirety motivates me to get off my butt at least once in a while and put in the effort to get myself out there.

Another factor is that when I look back over my life, I believe that I squandered a lot of time in my twenties and early thirties in not being assertive, largely because I didn't understand what I wanted, and considering that fact compels me to seek to avoid making that same mistake.

(Although, perhaps it could also be said that I'm more appreciative now because I did flounder so much early on, so that the experience didn't go for naught...)

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/3/2008 7:14:17 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Have you noticed all the shaved heads and goatees...


I love that look.  Unfortunately most of them come with a Harley stuck to their ass, and a bottle of Jack Daniels in their hand.

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/3/2008 11:31:14 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

... On one hand, there is the pursuit of a caricature. An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is.

... Abandoning the ideology, the caricature, and the ideal and simply just accepting the person for the person. Just finding someone you connect with in some way and working out the rest.
  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?
  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?
A somewhat belated response, nevertheless...

First, I'd like to clarify that, to me, there is a difference between "perfect" and "perfect".  There is perfect as in "without defect or blemish", and I think most here would agree that everyone has flaws; then there is perfect as in "precisely accurate or exact", which I believe would most likely be how one might describe some ideological partner that meets a list of criteria.

While I have never envisioned in detail my "perfect partner", over the years I have developed an understanding of both what I want and what I need in a partner.  The vast majority of that criteria revolves around philosophical belief and emotional nature, so there has never been some idealized caricature that potential partners have had to be measured against.

I have, however, used that understanding as a tool in finding my perfect partner... and quite successfully, too. 

I do realize that many here have taken great pride in declaring that they do not "seek", but merely live life and allow their partners to "fall into their lap".  Well, not me.  I'm afraid I just don't get out enough or meet a sufficient number of people that I would have had any luck, whatsoever, in finding even a decent partner, let alone the ideal one that I've found.  It seems to me that "settling" (to be either alone or in a less than ideal relationship) is more likely to happen when you have a smaller pool of possibilities.  I can say with absolute certainty that I would never have met Firm had I not been here on CM, actively seeking.

Regarding the potential negatives, I admit that by refusing to settle, you do naturally reduce your possibilities greatly... though I cannot personally testify to suffering any difficulty as I was most definitely more fortunate than most.  For the short time I was seeking and before I met Firm, the problems I did have were more along the lines of trying to obtain truthful information.  I never tried to make a square peg fit into a round hole, but I did have difficulty at times trying to find out if who I was talking to was a round peg or a square peg.  Of course, holding a potential at bay while trying to get to know them well enough to decide if they really are a potential has its own special set of issues.  Learning to read people quickly can save you a lot of headaches.

Probably the most important aspect of employing this "vetting" method would be to have first, a very deep understanding of yourself.  Then a very realistic appraisal of what type of person is both compatible and complimentary to you will help to develop your criteria.  Realistic is the operative word here; if runway-model good looks or a wallet the size of Donald Trump's heads up your list, you're in for a lot of long, lonely nights.

I do think that the middle ground exists in that realistic approach to deciding upon criteria.  Limiting your list to only those character traits that mesh best with your own, and maybe one or two other characteristics that you consider very, very important, can be a very pragmatic approach.  I think also that taking the time to get to know people well enough to decide if they match your ideological goals is also giving you plenty of opportunities to just enjoy people for who they are.  So maybe Mr. or Miss Right doesn't really match your idea of Mr. or Miss Right after all... but you've had a few fun dates and some enjoyable company in the meantime.  You're just living your life and getting on with things, aren't you? 

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/4/2008 8:01:21 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		My methodology is a mix of a lot of what has been said here, with a few things left out.

I am not actively on the hunt...I don't sit down and go through profiles, searching for that "ideal" fit.  Like Calla, my "ideal" can be changed by a person who would not seem to fit my "ideal" image.
Like marie, I have preferences...I don't do "Kate Moss" submissives, I prefer a submissive who wants to work, I prefer a submissive whose sexuality matches my own, I prefer a submissive who can speak about other things besides D/s, I prefer a submissive who does not expect me to carry the entire conversation, I prefer a submissive who veers towards the playful side but not the brat/SAM side...and understands and agrees with me about where that line is.

So...if I do not actively seek out profiles or haunt the clubs and bars, what do I do?  When I see a post that interests me, I usually email that person.  Sometimes, the email exchanges lead to a deeper relationship...as a friend, a "potential" or more...and sometimes they lead us both to the fact that, while we may be friendly acquaintances, we won't be more, at least not at this time.  This is the same for me in places...such as the club or through mutual friends...outside the net. 

I am similar to Calla in that I have developed casual relationships with a lot of people, with no expectations...at least, until we make definite plans to meet.  That doesn't preclude things from moving forward but it does ensure that I am not placing "great expectations" on someone who does not yet...and may never...feel the same about me. 

How many is too many?  Depends on each individual...for some dominants and submissives, the idea that you are speaking to even one more individual besides you, even in the "getting to know you" stage or even in the "having fun, but no definite plans" stage is one too many.  For others...such as a very good friend of mine out west...there is the realization that each relationship you are involved in revolves around you and that person and that others come into the equation only when you become serious, either about those others or about this person.

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/4/2008 8:08:18 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		Oh wow we have reached a crossroads of confuzzlement clash of culture and idea in being with someone or not human sounds like people that should be on the next mars program cause if being alone is what you want space is great place to be quite cold and empy
wow a whole new concept of life in universe yuck how about just learning to have fun and care about people how about trying to put on the goodwill toward others and making things happen for those around you and if your in a relationship how about being a little more attentive to your partner hows that for a size nine up side your head yeah thats works being a real person not play dough lol

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/4/2008 8:26:38 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

Have you noticed all the shaved heads and goatees...


I love that look.  Unfortunately most of them come with a Harley stuck to their ass, and a bottle of Jack Daniels in their hand.


If only that look were inverted, i would be allll over that.

_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to marie2)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/4/2008 8:37:26 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks to all the awesome (or well most of them) posts.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 55
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