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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:12:36 AM   
Icarys


Posts: 5757
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

This is one of those early morning, coffee and holiday-loneliness induced philosophical threads so bare with me. It's also written from a monogamous perspective.

In the search of a partner, my own experiences have led me to two extremes that both seem to have negative consequences and I have been struggling as of late to find exactly where the line is.

On one hand, there is the pursuit of a caricature. An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is. The sum total of the knowledge provided by one's own desires, personality, and experiences as to what the Summum Bonum of an intimate relationship would be.

I've met a number of people who take this approach to their relationships, refusing to settle "for less". By a snowball survey, I have found the majority of these people to be single or spending most of their time single.

When considering this approach to searching for a partner, certain questions become raised.
  • Does this person even exist outside of one's own mind?
  • Since people are rarely ever ideals, is this a self defeating philosophy of spending one's life trying to fit square pegs into round holes?
  • Is it better to hold out for the ideal at the expense of denying one's self the experiences of being with people?

Personally, I have felt the flaws of this approach firsthand. I had someone I had an amazing connect with and was someone, looking in hindsight, that I believe could be making me very happy right now. But the square peg didn't quite fit into the round hole and by letting these imperfections bother me instead of accepting them, I managed to destroy the foundation of our relationship which she wasn't able to recover from.

On the other hand, we have the pragmatic approach to relationships. Abandoning the ideology, the caricature, and the ideal and simply just accepting the person for the person. Just finding someone you connect with in some way and working out the rest. In comparison to the negatives of the other way, at first glance, this seems like the best approach.

However, it also raises some questions.
  • At what point does "accepting a person as a person" become "settling for less"?
  • When does "working out the rest" become just getting used to and dealing with the things we cannot have?
  • Is this approach merely reducing the risk of being lonely the rest of one's life at the expense of what one wants?

I've met quite a few people who took this approach and later became trapped in relationships that were unfulfilling to them.

Personally, I have experienced that as when I first got started in this, I settled for less and became involved in a long distance relationship that went on and off for about a year. It wasn't the right relationship for me, but the fear of not knowing the warmth of another person outweighed the pain of a lack of passion. Leaving that relationship was a huge growing experience for me and wasn't until reflection after the fact that I became fully aware of what I had been doing.

So the questions I am posing are...
  • Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?
  • How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?
  • Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?


I'm in category one as you might guess. All of those things you listed are things that I go through and I'll tell ya, it's no fun at times. When I was younger though I took door number two and although, I was spending more time with females, I was unsatisfied. I realized it and as I slowly learned my desires, I gravitated to where I am now.

Yes I am alone more than before but I'm also now equipped with the confidence that I'm fully aware of my needs. For me it makes the pain of not being able to express my passion and love with another only slightly less stressful but it is something. That being said, I don't believe in the ONE. I just have a higher standard of what she must be for me to be happy. I also realize no one person will be everything perfect to me which to me isn't settling, it's just logical.


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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 10:23:34 AM   
MistresseLotus


Posts: 443
Joined: 9/19/2008
From: (aka LotusSong)
Status: offline 		<At what point does "accepting a person as a person" become "settling for less"? >
 
When you expect people to do that on your behalf.


<When does "working out the rest" become just getting used to and dealing with the things we cannot have? >

When  "working out the rest" becomes just getting used to and not dealing but ACCEPTING that there are things we cannot have.

<Is this approach merely reducing the risk of being lonely the rest of one's life at the expense of what one wants?>

No.  It's all a part of growing up and realizing a realtionship is a partnership and it's not all about you. 

<Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?>

I just never expected to find a partner.  I went about my life and they sort of fell into my lap.  Don't approach it as a "hunt".  What you need comes to you... you just have to be able to recognize it.

<How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology? >

There were none.

<Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found? >

 If you are on the same page.. you'll be on  level ground.

<Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?>

Selflessness.  Flexibility.  Evaluate yourself..do you deserve what you are seeking?  (i.e. Are you really "all that"?)  Humility goes long way.


< Message edited by MistresseLotus -- 11/27/2008 10:31:25 AM >

_____________________________

I leave it to the 20-somethings to do the "open-minded, total unconditional acceptance thing" for it's how THEY learn that all the things others older than they have deemed BS, are in fact BS. What a waste of a decade.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 2:59:14 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

The Mad Bunny asked:
Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?

Well, I think I have a third.  Superficially, it may sound like your latter strategy, but I don't think it is.  How about you simply meet people and experience them for what they are.  In the process of so doing, you also get to see who YOU are in relation to them.  You'll also find out who the two of you are together.  All of those things are unique with every single partner out there.  Some of the "winner" combinations will be like nothing you ever dreamed about.  For the record, Carol, the woman who's made me various shades of happy to dilerious for the last 15 years or so was a "winner" that I never in a million years would've imagined.

This is fundamentally why I don't really see myself as a "dyed in the wool dominant."  I'm not.  That is a "me" that has come out in relation to Carol and we are both enjoying the US that's been created quite nicely.  But should I, god forbid, be searching for a new partner, then it'd be back to square one for me.  I'd be perfectly willing to approach each person and see what I might find, both about them and about myself.  Initial sorting happens pretty readily for me.  There are those who aren't physically attractive to me that are easy to weed out of the queue.  Then there are those with whom I just don't share a connection... again easy to weed out.  Between the two of those, that leaves a small enough sample left that taking each one as an adventure is perfectly plausible.

Why must everything be nice and neatly pidgeon-holed into useless cateogries before you even start out?  Why can't you simply grok what is as it occurs?

Oh, and as a bonus response from Carol, she says, "Take a look at everyone that is attractive to you.  THen rule them out and look closely at who is left.  Frequently some of the true gems were hiding in plain sight".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 7:01:36 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		I believe that people too often and too readily throw away relationships that are fixable because it is easier to do so. 
People choose to lack the commitment to hang in there through the bad times, to work it out, to develop those skills that would serve them so well through adversities.  Imo, people are often frivolous and their approach leads to them discarding others of value rather than exerting meaningful effort. 
  Davan

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/27/2008 9:18:45 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I've actually stopped most of my active searching. Yeah, I have a profile up...everywhere...but I really just live my life and leave room for whomever I need to come in. I'm not looking for "the one" and I'm not looking for "forever". I think these, personally, fit me well and give me a decided advantage over other searches I've conducted....or haven't.

You know you are "accepting them as they are" too much when you are denying yourself fulfillment and/or happiness either through them limiting you or you limiting yourself in order to be in the relationship.

Master Fire


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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 8:06:33 AM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		I've always followed the rule of people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You don't know which one until the end.
 
Have fun, lighten up, don't go around looking for 'the one'. Enjoy everyone you meet- everyone has something to offer, even if it's just a cautionary lesson.
 
Master and I found each other when we were both in the "just-burnt" stage. We shouldn't have clicked the way we did, but now we know it was kismet.
 
It was the open-minded, try, try again attitude that did it.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 8:34:58 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

Which methodology do you take to finding a partner?

Technically i don't use either methodology as i don't actively search out partners. I can count on one hand the number of times i have made first contact on cm or in real life.
All my relationships have come from someone contacting me here or approaching me in real life. Believe it or not i have never asked someone out / on a date or whatever the hell the terms are nowadays lol.
 
quote:

How do you deal with the potential negatives of that ideology?

A potential negative of my method of getting partners is that because they contact me, i am far more likely to be their ideal than they are to be mine. Saying that i am personally not looking for an ideal. I think that 'ideal' can end up being quite boring.
 
quote:

Or is there a middle ground between the two that you have found?

There are some things you can find middle ground on and some things you cannot in my opinion. For example someone who is into scat i can find no middle ground with because i am not going to partake in any form of this kind this kind of play. Where i can find middle ground is for example my smoking habit. Someone i have been seeing hates smoking and if we were to become involved would want me to give up. In the meantime whilst we are deciding what we are going to do i have agreed not to smoke in their presence and to ensure i do not smell of smoke when i see them.
 


quote:

Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?

Perhaps but i can't think of one

_____________________________

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 12:22:41 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		MR... Admittedly I haven't read the responses. I just wanted to share something with you.
 
Several years ago I joined alt, I filled out my profile there and had specific ideas of what it was that I was looking for. Being female it didn't take long to start getting responses along with notifications of people that matched my profile. Well, there was one response from someone a couple of hours away. Our profiles were so "unmatched" that we really should have never even tried talking to each other... let alone dating.
 
I have always dated younger men, I also prefer men with long hair and not blondes (been there, done that) and I married a virgo once and dated a virgo and decided that it was terrible match on both counts. I also have never dated a man under 6' tall (I have a thing for tall men).  And then I get this email from a guy. Older then me, 5'10" tall, blond hair(short blond hair at that) and a virgo. At first I thought "no way". But I realized that I've never met a guy with that name that I didn't like. So we went out. We sat at the restaurant and talked. We closed the restaurant and went back to my place and talked more. But, there was no spark. I really enjoyed talking to him but there was no deep connection, no physical desire. But I really enjoyed talking to him. We dated a few times and then one day, completely off the wall we both realized it was love. Two days ago we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary and we're still like newlyweds. He loves my flaws, my imperfections and my quirks and I adore everything about him. He isn't perfect, but he is absolutely perfect for me.
 
That's why I tell everyone that asks for advice the same thing. You really have no idea what you are looking for until it finds you. You just have to be open enough to let it happen. I don't make a list of what I want in another. I know what I can't live with, and believe me, the list is a short one. Beyond that I let fate take care of it. Sometimes you just know when it's right and trying to apply logic to it only screws things up. We went on three dates and spent one weekend together before we moved in together. Like I said... sometimes you just know.
 
Jewel

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 12:53:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There's a difference between knowing what you want and having unrealistic expectations.

I wanted someone with no anger management problems. Did I settle for someone who is right now outside trying to fix his work truck and cursing a blue streak? No, because what I needed was not someone so zenned out that they never get angry, but that they don't get angry inappropriately or take out frustrations on innocent people. I didn't cause the brake problem so he may be stomping around furiously out there, but he doesn't come back in and yell at me to get his frustrations out.

My expectations, the things I cannot settle for less about are never shallow things. I don't care about what he drives, where he buys his clothes etc. I care about morals and values.  Plus a few other things that are my quirks.

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 7:19:18 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		Thoughts at random:

I do have a few criteria that I try to be sure are satisfied right up front.

But things happen; my current partner doesn't match several of the criteria I thought I more or less "required", and still it's been a very good thing.

Three things that make it easier for me to accept some (or a lot of) variation from my "ideal": I want a long term relationship, but I don't promise forever. Two years for an exceptionally good one is about my average. I shed no tears over this. It works for me. Maybe this one will go longer, I don't know, but I don't promise anything.

Another thing is that I have no desire to have children.

And the third thing is that I do not desire to live with somebody (tho I might make an exception for a short term co-habitation experiment...romantic, huh?!)

Thus, my life stays relatively simple.

My main decision making criterion is , Am I having fun?
{edited to add; I encourage my partner to use that criterion too.}
It may sound shallow, but I find it to be very effective.

(By that I do not mean to imply that I am a person who needs to be constantly amused.
I entertain myself pretty well most of the time.)

It may sound kind of selfish, but I also consider it kind of a way of honoring your partner by leveling with them if you are not having fun anymore, feeling challenged anymore, or whatever the case may be.


< Message edited by Jeptha -- 11/28/2008 7:29:29 PM >

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 8:50:46 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		I don't have much of a strategy because I'm transgendered and this influences things to a greater degree than I'd like, but it also has both positive and negative sides to it.

I'm passively seeking acceptance, understanding, friendship and love, but the latter isn't as important as the other three. The first three are the basic fundaments to anything else.

There's something I've noticed about dominants and that is a considerable number of them will have a primary vanilla partner who is either dom or vanilla and that there will be an arrangement to play separately or together but with different subs and so you end up sometimes being offered 'only play' or 'only sex' without the relationship. No problems if I'm looking to do someone's domestic work as a servant or slave but the reduces the pool of potential dommes (my primary interest) further if I am seeking a primary relationship.

I'm not complaining about this, I've done years as a service submissive and I am fortunate to have served the dommes I served, to gain so much from these relationships and to have learned so much. They were very instrumental in getting me to the point where I am now. It's just an observation on my part.

I'm not actively seeking a relationship right now for various reasons, but this doesn't mean I'm closed to the possibility or avoiding them. I will make the first contact for friendship, but hardly ever for a relationship per se. I just no longer subscribe to the 'Walmart' or 'e-Bay' philosophy of getting a relationship ready-made or off the peg from the Internet. You know, the Tick Box Method (Tall? Tick! Attractive? Tick! Professional? Tick! Submissive? Tick!).

I adopt a more evolutionary, empirical approach based mainly on living in the present day, here and now. Do I know who I'm looking for? Not really. I don't even know who I'm going to be or how I'm going to look in the future, let alone someone else. I take people at face value, I will believe what they tell me about themselves and nothing they could tell me could ever negate my friendship. I trust my intuition and gut instinct.

The only problem is when I discover deceit, lying or the actions don't match the words. I believe that a promise is a comfort to a fool. I also look for 'balanced contact' (as per yesterday's journal entry) which means neither one is chasing the other. A friendship or a relationship exists between two people, not one to another though I am prepared to carry someone if they're going through a rough patch without expecting too much in return.

I've spent and sometimes spend a lot of time alone and isolated, there are times when I've needed support or even human contact from people and nothing came through, which has caused me to reevaluate what life and people really mean to me and learn to cope with a lot of things on my own. It also causes me to reach out to others and give some people a few more chances because I understand what it feels like to be alone and isolated.

But then again, one day I might stumble on the answer.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/28/2008 9:25:33 PM   
gapeach4


Posts: 12
Joined: 3/6/2007
Status: offline 		gonna toss in my 2 cents here... with not as much depth as Oothers have responded with...

my theory, is to get out there, stroll slowly, and smell all the roses along the way... some will be delightful fragrances, and others will nick you with the thorns...of course, i prefer to wander down the path of roses, and i tend to 'see' the ragweed, before i hit that trail.... not every rose is perfect, or else i'd stop strolling....of course, you run across a few weeds on the path of roses, but hey, it just keeps me on my toes - makes me aware that the 'weeds' are not what i'm seeking...i just enjoy each stop that i make...

it's not a perfect world, no one is a perfect person.. life is full of give and take, and 'picking' your battles kinda thing...

not sure if that quite answers the beginning 'questions', but, it's just one girls thoughts...

*peachie*


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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/30/2008 10:22:25 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Padriag

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

On one hand, there is the pursuit of a caricature. An ideological and nuanced vision in my mind of what the perfect partner is. The sum total of the knowledge provided by one's own desires, personality, and experiences as to what the Summum Bonum of an intimate relationship would be.


In most cases, this is a bad idea. There is no perfect partner. I've met some awesome women in my time... "C" who was probably the best thing to ever happen to me... "K" who I still miss.... "S" who was a Playmate...


When I reflect on my relationships in the recent past (- since I've reached an age where I know a little more clearly what I want and have figured out how to communicate that, at least in a rudimentary way), I appreciate many things about them, though none was perfect.

That's why I have a bit of a problem with the phrase, "settling". It sounds a little dismissive and unappreciative to my ears.

If I felt I was "settling" when choosing a partner, I probably would not go forward with it. (Though exceptions can occasionally be found everywhere.)

While my partners may not have been proverbial "soul mates", or perfect ideals, or whatever, they have still been fairly damned close.
To not respect that would be to dishonor them, I think.

So; thought I don't believe in 'soul mates' or perfection, I still do not believe in "settling".
If it feels like settling, you aren't bringing enough of yourself to the equasion to make anything worthwhile of it, most likely.

This reminds me of the thread asking, "Why is it so hard for people to meet each other? (and get together, and so forth)"

I think it's because it just is rare to have that spark with someone.

Thus, even though I don't believe in the romantic ideal, per se, I still can spend a hell of a long time single and celibate until I do meet someone that I feel is even remotely compatible with me.

I would say that I still have my version(s) of a romantic ideal, but I try not to have it be too confining - like glass slippers that will only fit the princess and then I'll know, blah blah, etc.

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/30/2008 11:11:36 AM   
cravesdom


Posts: 5219
Joined: 3/28/2008
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am absolutely a romantic. I believe in love at first sight, happily ever after, and the "One". Having said all that, I am also realistic. I know that everyone has faults and no one is perfect. Those who think they are perfect have already revealed their first imperfection. Anyway, I have never settled for anyone, although I have been pushed into making decisions to be with someone that I would not have made if I had thought I had another option at that time in my life. Those did not end well. But they had their positive aspects as well.

This time around I decided to reevaluate myself and just what I needed and wanted in a relationship. It's funny, because when I did, the list was so different from things I would have thought I needed. I realized that I had been looking for certain attributes, when I really wanted and needed different things. Fortunately for me, just as I was working through this rediscovery of myself, I stumbled across the man I was to fall in love with. And what do you know, he had all the qualities I had decided I truly needed. Is he perfect? Absolutely not. But he is perfect for me. And that is all that matters. So, yes, there is a middle ground. But every person needs to reach that point on their own. To find what is vitally important and come to the realization that there are some things that are not vital for a relationship to work.

In my case my love is an inch shorter than me. I have female friends who find that out and tell me there is no way they would ever date a man who was shorter than them. My reply is that in the whole scheme of things, that aspect of his physical appearance is so unimportant when held up in comparison to all the amazing character traits he has. And if I had been shallow enough to let that matter to me, then I would have deserved missing out on the amazing relationship we have together.  

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RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/30/2008 10:26:48 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		MR, though the moment has passed, I am still sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you.  That happens sometimes.

The post was a very good one, and some of the responses excellent.  I've enjoyed reading what everyone had to express.  There was good advice here, and I hope you listened well.  I'm going to throw My own little opinion in, if you don't mind.

From what I saw in your post, there's a certain idea I'd like to throw out for you.  If you're aware of the preconceived notion of perfection that you have created in your head, dismiss it.  The truth of the matter is, no one can live up to that.  Accepting someone for the imperfect being that they are isn't settling.  It's understanding that the person you want to have in your life is human.  That means that they might have faults.  Believe it or not, there is a middle ground.

I talk a lot on these boards about what a good match My husband is for Me and what a good submissive clip is for Me.  I can assure you that neither of them are perfect.  Neither am I for that matter.  Yet, we all enrich each other's lives.  Yes, we all have our faults.  I don't think any of us live up to any vision that the other created in our heads when we were looking.  If that vision of perfection would have been so important to any of us that we used it to measure how we would fit together, we wouldn't have what we've got.

A few years back, I went through what I call the "perfection" phase.  It wasn't realistic in any way and I can't tell you the relief I found when I let it go.  Now, I get to accept Myself for the imperfect person that I am, and I accept other people in My life for the imperfect people they are as well.  I can promise you that I'm happier for it.  Am I still a work in progress?  Sure.  I just don't have to obtain perfection.  Nobody else does either.

My husband still tells people that he fell in love with Me at first sight.  That love got deeper as he walked with Me.  To this day, he still loves Me when I am the imperfect being that I am, as I do him.  If I needed a perfect person to grow old with, I wouldn't have it, because it doesn't exist. 

I've often asked clip why he wanted to serve Me.  The answer is never because I filled some preconceived notion.  It is always, "because you're you, M'Lady."  That's why I chose him as well.

Remember, MR, that in all of the searching you will ever do, that you are also imperfect, and ask someone to accept you as who you are.  It's going to work out a lot better for you when you get that it works both ways.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 11/30/2008 11:07:09 PM   
MidMichCowboy


Posts: 665
Joined: 3/23/2007
Status: offline 		I am pretty clear on what I am looking for:

I would love to share life’s journey with a special lady but I won't be rushed and I won't settle. I would rather be alone.

I want someone who feels a spark when we meet, as I must feel a spark. I want that spark to grow into a steady flame that lasts the rest of my life. I want someone who will understand and need my dominance as I need her submission. I am looking for a lady to cherish, love and use. I want her to grow and find her interests and place in life. A relationship is at its best when people mirror their needs and fit together. Intelligent, feisty, loving, kinky and adventuresome are the words that describe the lady I am looking for.

I want someone to be close to, to share with, and to live with. To me, that entails a lot.

For those who can put up with all the things I have in my life that make relationships almost impossible, I ask the impossible.

After all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, in spite of all the faults I possess, that you believe in me unconditionally as I will believe in you. I want you to see the strength that lies within me, the genius I possess. I want you to see and need the dichotomy of love and dominance, of pleasure and pain.

I’m looking for a strong, complex woman who will take my breath away when I look at her and dazzle me with her intelligence. I want a woman who is smart, philosophical, childlike, mature, wild but needing to be led. I want and need the woman who can submit to the scholar, the cowboy, the gentleman, the barbarian, the child, and the father that is me.

Now, I didn't say she had to be 5'2" tall, or between the ages of 20 and 22. I didn't say she couldn't have faults of her own. If she doesn't and hasn't made mistakes, how will she understand me and mine. Will I find her. Who knows? Should I, as friends suggest, quit worrying about long term and try some short term relationships? I don't claim to know the answers. But, this person, is the person I feel could complete my life. How important is that?

_____________________________

I want to capture your mind, your spirit, your soul, your body, your devotion and your love. Then, will I give you my heart.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/1/2008 10:11:52 AM   
StrangerThan


Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
  • Or maybe there is a third separate methodology that I am completely missing?





Not settling is a good thing. There is also a reality check needed sometimes as to what heights one has set for another to achieve. Creating a pedestal just about anyone could and probably will fall off serves no one, not you and definitely not those who will fail to meet whatever expectation they fail to meet. Either way, by settling or creating a gap so narrow no one can fit through, you end up not satisfied, not happy, not willing to give what you need to give a relationship to provide it the best shot of actually working.

People are human, Dom, sub, vanilla. We all have issues and imperfections. Finding a person is rarely difficult. Finding the right one when you want a right one is the stuff stories are made of. If you want a methodology, try discovering the person first rather than evaluating them. Try living life and learning to enjoy it without having to have that other person in it to feel fulfilled. Not sure how good my advice is though. I wandered along a long time before finding that right one. Good thing is, if you do, you'll realize how fulfilled it wasn't before that person even when it felt like it was, and... you'll have lots of good stories to tell.

If there's a moral here, it's go cliff diving, swim with sharks, eat flat bread and drink dark wine on the side of a mountain in Italy whose name you'll never remember overlooking a village you'll never forget, sail an ocean or two, spend some time in a developing country. That always helps reveal things that are important in life. In other words, don't let the search consume you. Just let it be part of you because something my girl and I have agreed on from the start it is that we both had to walk the paths we walked to end up together. And ya know, she was damned worth the wait. 


< Message edited by StrangerThan -- 12/1/2008 10:13:10 AM >

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/1/2008 11:02:27 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I read this yesterday when my brain was on holiday overload. I just decided to wait and see if the thread was still alive today then post something.

I am definately a "third option" type of person. First, I believe we draw the people that will be compatible to us and those that are not compatible will fall by the wayside fairly quickly. At least that is the case for me, at this point in life.

I just go about living my life. I don't really "look" for anyone. In fact, I would say that most will have to practically smack me upside the head with their interest, if they have it. I just don't walk around eyeing all bi or lesbian female slaves/submissives with the thought of "could she be the one?". Whomever she is, she will quite literally have to almost fall into my lap and voice her interest. Otherwise I just assume they want to be friends. I am that unfocused on finding someone.

Right now I've got a girl I've been communicating with off and on for over 6 months. So far, it's looking promising. But, she's not here at the farm yet either. She is supposed to be coming here in a couple of weeks. Time will tell how that turns out. I just don't get too over the top, in my early expectations. I just remain open to possibilities.

I believe in making the moment I am in, the best. Enjoying it to the fullest for exactly what it is rather than ignoring it in hopes of what future moments might hold. Staying in the moment allows me to give the people around me, that same luxury. To just relax and "be". It works for me.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/1/2008 11:21:20 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
I just remain open to possibilities.




I just had to quote this, because it's been my personal motto this past year. I don't "look" nor do I have a tangible list of filters. I am open to possibilities, and take things slowly. When I met the man I'm seeing now, the LAST thing I wanted was to begin pursuing another relationship - it was way too soon after my last relationship ended. But I told myself not to rule anything out, to be open to possibilities, and not immediately close the door on it. I was skeptical, yes, but told myself to be open to possibilities, as I'm a believer in the universe presenting us what we need at any given time.

This relationship I'm in is very new - only about 4 months in the making - and long distance so our time in each other's presence is very limited. As much as I'm open to the possibility of things working out, I'm also open the possibility that it might now, either. But right now, in the present, I am enjoying our dialogue and time together. He plans (tentatively) to move to California in the next year, whether or not I'm in the picture, so I am also open to the possibility that this won't remain an LDR if it works out.

I am liking this approach to life. Seems to be working for me so far...

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Wanting Too Much VS Not Enough - 12/1/2008 2:02:36 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi MadRabbit
I do hope today finds you better.

I do not have a way to meet people. I know who I am and what I look for in a person, but I don't search. I just live my life. I wasn't looking for anyone, or the love of my life, when my late hubby showed up in my life, and same can be said for Sir. He showed up on my doorstep, and there was no expectations. 

Since I do not believe there is a single person out there that can answer all my wants, I never look for it. They have to have the same core values and morals that I have and anything else is icing on the cake. I tend to be very giving in a relationship and am flexible. With that said, I am not that way with many. It has to be a very special person that will ignite that part of me.

oceanwynds

(in reply to MadRabbit)
Profile   Post #: 40
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