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Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/29/2008 10:26:01 PM

VMistressV

Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline

I have seen that a bunch of people on CM have left the "lifestyle" at one point or another. And I thought that it would provide support people having troubles with this lifestyle to know that other people have experienced similar trials.

So I guess I am wondering why you left, and what brought you back?

_____________________________

You can have the stable partners, Give me a stable of partners.
http://myspace.com/vmistressv

Post #: 1

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/29/2008 10:52:11 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Usually they got disillusioned or burnt out. The bad part is that they tend to come back for the same reasons they were here in the first place and end up in the same place as before- repeating the cycle.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 2

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/29/2008 11:02:56 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

I left the lifestyle when I got married. Dumb ass me, I thought it would go away. It didn't. She did!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 3

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/29/2008 11:03:12 PM

rozenwyn

Posts: 115
Joined: 1/19/2008
Status: offline

Well i can't speak for others, and i am not one to advertise that i've left the lifestyle then returned. because in a way for me it wasn't that at all, i was in a very serious relationship with a former Master years ago. i loved that man to a distraction he was to be my forever, then one day i found that he had been lying to me and about me. So i had to step away from the lifestyle and in fact stepped away from all relationships of any kind to find myself again. now nearly two years after my wonderful return into the lifestyle, i am happy know myself again, know my place and very happily collared.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/29/2008 11:21:59 PM

moonvine

Posts: 780
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline

I don't understand this question. I'm not sure about any lifestyle but I'm submissive and have known I have been since I was 13. It is an immutable characteristic. I can't stop having submissive feelings, I suppose I could stop acting on them. I've been up to 8-10 years at a time without a partner, does that mean that I'm not in the "lifestyle" during those times? What does it take to be in the "lifestyle?"

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 5

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 5:06:35 AM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VMistressV

I have seen that a bunch of people on CM have left the "lifestyle" at one point or another. And I thought that it would provide support people having troubles with this lifestyle to know that other people have experienced similar trials.

So I guess I am wondering why you left, and what brought you back?

never left the life style just the site... my Master didnt want me on here during true training when i said 'youre the one for me and i want to spend the time you will allow me finding every everything about you.' He felt it best if we connect on a personal level with out the interference of others, and it was goooooood!!!!

but i will say it sucks not remembering my old password... =(

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 6

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 5:09:50 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

There's the people that get burnt out and have to take a break, and then there's the people who feel they haven't been getting enough attention. To fix it, they post all over that they are "leaving 4ever", complete with long stories about how mean everyone is, only to return a week or so later.

These you should probably ignore.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to sexisubi)

Post #: 7

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 5:16:53 AM

sexisubi

Posts: 373
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

There's the people that get burnt out and have to take a break, and then there's the people who feel they haven't been getting enough attention. To fix it, they post all over that they are "leaving 4ever", complete with long stories about how mean everyone is, only to return a week or so later.

These you should probably ignore.

i will admit these people sound lame! wtf? but who could resist the forums... sure debates happen... but it doesn't mean people are -mean- just passionate... and who cant resist a little bit of passion!

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 8

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 6:16:43 AM

Rover

Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

This topic is actually the outline of an article I'm working on. So it seems redundant at some point in the future, you'll know why.

Honestly, I don't understand "leaving the lifestyle". I've spent the better part of six months remodeling part of my home... installing hardwood floors, a new bathroom and foyer, new kitchen, etc. I've had the time to attend one event, and one munch during that time. I haven't had the time to complete a single article. I'm not presently involved in a power exchange relationship. I've been as removed from the lifestyle as I could be.

But not once did I feel as though I was taking a break from, or leaving, the lifestyle. There's nothing for me to leave. For me, and people like me, the lifestyle isn't what we *do*, it's what we *are*. I could no more take a break from it than I could take a break from an arm, or my spleen (yeah, I know... you can live without your spleen).

So without writing the entire article here... no, I've not left the lifestyle and come back. I've not left at all. And I simply do not understand those that have unless the lifestyle (for them) is something they *do* rather than who and what they *are*.

John

_____________________________

"Man's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions."

Sri da Avabhas

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 9

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 6:42:35 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

And I simply do not understand those that have unless the lifestyle (for them) is something they *do* rather than who and what they *are*.

I completely agree with you. It may have something to do with people who live their entire lives as a whole vs. those who put different parts of their lives in boxes and pull out different parts at different times. Regardless of where I am, I remain submissive, a daughter, mother, employee, friend, etc, I do these things always and there isn't a way to leave them behind or take a break from them (as much as I'd like to, especially the "employee" part).

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Rover)

Post #: 10

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 8:22:13 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

My companion and I left Collarme and the local scene for several years. We really didn't do much of anything but work and deal with immediate life requirements. We lost two members of our household within the same year, and it left us in a situation where we were not any good to ourselves, much less anyone else. Rather than drag our servants along on this horrific journey, we found places for them where they could be safe and well... and my companion and I traveled on to try to survive our mutual loss.

The journey has changed us as people, and when we -did- come back to active participation, we were not the same people as we'd been those years before. It didn't change our inherent nature... but it did change, in many ways, the terms under which we relate to the world... and, for me, it has changed my focus and stripped away any desire for romantic entanglements.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/30/2008 8:23:21 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 11

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 8:56:19 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

Hmm, I'll be watching this topic closely.

I have a feeling many people relate to the word 'leaving' differently.

In my opinion I'm not sure 'leaving' would be the right word. I mean, I can't just stop being gay, let alone stop feeling and wanting what I do within the 'lifestyle' (though, admittedly I'm much more of an 'in the bedroom' type of person than most people here). I would be changing my nature, which I'm not even interested in trying to do.

But I'm not even sure what you're implying by 'leaving' either, so some clarification would be nice. Do you mean leaving a community? Going completely vanilla for a partner? Define for us what you mean.

Actually, that would be a great general question for anyone who feels that they 'left the lifestyle'.

Define what you mean by 'leaving'

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 12

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 9:03:21 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Leaving cme doesn't mean they're denying themselves. People can need to take a break from online for many reasons which have nothing to do with their sexuality.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 13

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 9:20:29 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

I wasn't talking about CollarMe, but about the lifestyle as a whole (which is what I took the original post to indicate)

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 9:57:46 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

Almost without exception, the people I've known that have *left the lifestyle* have done so because of a fucked up relationship, or the frustration of not finding one to fuck up with.

agirl

Edited to add. Yes, I'd like to know what type of *leaving* is meant, too.

< Message edited by agirl -- 11/30/2008 9:59:19 AM >

(in reply to aravain)

Post #: 15

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 10:14:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I do not understand "leaving the lifestyle" any more than I understand subs who choose relationships with people who are clearly not a good match for them or who deny their true selves just to fit in.

But that doesn't mean I don't understand the actual concept or motivations. A person feels kinky, they feel drawn to Ds dynamics, they buy toys, they get into the community, they enjoy, they work to get into good places and graces. But something goes wrong. Maybe everything goes wrong. Maybe their life in general is falling apart, health, finances, family issues, all that. And they say to themselves "Wow, this Ds kink thing really is just not working for me, it's too much, I can't handle this whole bag, I'm getting out"

So they sell their toys, cut ties with all the kinky people they know, return to doing things they were doing before they discovered they could be kinky, they shove it all into the closet, metaphorically and physically and pretend like it doesn't exist.

Considering a fair amount of people get into kink as an escape from something else, it's not surprising a fair number try to escape back to something again.

I don't think they would say they are leaving behind who they are, simply that they will no longer engage in kink or authority dynamic relationships.

This does unfortunately lead to the cyber attention slut who "leaves the lifestyle forever" about once every four months and announces it as a way to get lots of people to say "Oh no, stay!!! We love you!"

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 10:24:39 AM

starshineowned

Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline

Greetings..

quote:

I have a feeling many people relate to the word 'leaving' differently.

This I agree with but also think that people are quite varied on what "being in or leaving this lifestyle" means as well.

For Master and self it is a state of being, a way of life, a unspoken communication within the relationship dynamic, and far from practical applications.

starshine

_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 17

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 10:28:30 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

When I hear "leaving the lifestyle" I think mostly of those who are active in their local (or not so local) lifestyle communities. Maybe the groups are too political, maybe they're burned out, who knows. Of course, there are also those folks who attempt to leave their own personal lifestyle for various reasons, which I believe may be a form of self denial, or perhaps a case of figuring out who they are.

Admittedly when my last relationship ended, I couldn't fathom submitting to someone again, but I also realized I was in a state of recovery and transition. I remember Juliaoceania saying her submission button was broken and I was feeling the same way myself. The idea of leaving my submission was simply to take a breath and get to know myself again. Plus, it just seemed too scary to think about submitting again.

Of course, that's about the time this really cool guy said hello and caught my attention. Still, I step carefully. But I realize my submission button isn't broken, just a bit guarded.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 18

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 10:56:23 AM

NazjamRa

Posts: 37
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I don't think we leave the lifestyle per se... yet we rather take a vacation from it, because at times becomes a job and we don't love it anymore and when we leave it alone long we yearn for it because it's something that we miss and cannot just turn on and off like a switch for electricity. So leaving and coming back I would say is more like take a vacation especially if your single you find it very difficult to find someone you connect with on so many different levels that at times you become discouraged and hope that when you come back it will be different. Hence the problem, people change problems don't unless we recognize it and fix it for ourselves.

(in reply to VMistressV)

Post #: 19

RE: Leaving the lifestyle and coming back. - 11/30/2008 11:07:29 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I don't want to write a book on this whole subject. I'd bore the crap out of you with explaining how I got into the lifestyle originally, what worked for a while and then didn't work in the end. I'd put people to sleep if I explained again how I decided to date and marry vanilla, and then the transition of coming back. Mostly, I'm just typing this up for the naysayers who want to say you can't leave the lifestyle, because you actually can. Does it mean that, at the time, I looked at My life as arranged in little boxes? Maybe. Does it mean I was disillusioned at that time? Probably. When I say that, don't think I'm saying that I didn't contribute to that. I did. I admit it. Hell, I'm not perfect now, what on earth would make Me believe I was perfect back then?

Don't get Me wrong. I applaud the folks who know who they are and have all along. You also have to look at the fact that not everyone does. I had to experience both vanilla and BDSM to know where I fit best. That's probably a huge contributing factor as to why I'm poly and have both in My life. I want the best of both worlds. I want all of the advantages and fulfillment of each.

So, yes, you can leave the lifestyle. The individual themselves has to decide if the lifestyle leaves them.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 20

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