Fear of other men

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Fear of other men

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Fear of other men

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 1:20:42 PM

atljerbear35

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

Now that I'm separated from my wife and working towards divorce, I'm beginning to get noticed by male Doms as well as female Dommes. Sexually, I'm totally ok with it, since I've been actively bi since childhood (as bottom/fem only, though) and love any chance to indulge that part; but I'm still terrified about submitting to other men for BDSM. As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 1:35:47 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions?

There is nothing that MUST be explored. There are only things you might wish to explore--when you are ready.

Relax, take your time, connect with people and find a few you are able to trust. Where there is a solid bond of trust, your partner will be able to help you get over whatever fears you might possess.

_____________________________

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 2

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 1:36:44 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of,

I know some Femdoms who are terrifying so do not let the gender fool you.

No one says you must have a male Dom, but if it is something that you wish to explore I would say go slow and take your time. Really get to know a person before submitting to them. Also be up front and tell them your apprehension, if they are truly concerned about your well being they will go slow, build trust and show you that they are worthy of your submission.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 3

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 1:47:29 PM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i've met more dommes that scared the holy bejeevers out of me than doms, so as mentioned before, don't let the gender of the top fool you!

my primary rule when bottoming to someone for the first time in a bdsm type of play scene is absolutely no bondage/restraints whatsoever unless my trusted sidekick is present to oversee my safety and well-being. considering the fact that i don't have a trusty sidekick for private play, then only once did i break that rule, based on my feeling of the dominant. i wasn't disappointed in the scene he created, the way it made me feel helpless but safe at the same time, or in putting my trust in him...

besides, there's plenty of ways to restrain people that have quick release systems that can make the bottom feel helpless when in fact they really aren't and can escape at any given time.

when following the above rules, nothing can get out of hand regarding the s/m version of things without me being able to have a means of protecting myself...

then again, i wouldn't be in the same room with them alone if i felt the need to protect myself at all.

so in other words, you have nothing to fear but fear itself if you put a few of your own safety guidelines in place before any actual play.

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 4

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 3:00:37 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

Take your time to meet someone first and get to know them and build a trust that they will follow your safe words and respect your limits. As for men being harder, my boy will you tell you that from his play women are far more "evil" then men he has and does play with both sexes. If you look at my profile his screen name is in there and you are more then welcome to ask him yourself.

Mike

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 5

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 3:05:02 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless.

Wow, that's funny. As a newbie to the entire BDSM thing, I gotta say it is the female dommes that seem to be clearly over the top to me. Every time I've heard a discussion about blood spatters and similar things it's always been a female. There's no question that if I was bi and sub, it'd be the females I feared more than the males.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 6

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 3:20:28 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

<Just smiles a sadist smile and chuckles to herself.>

Ok. Seriously. On the female sadism thing. If I were the OP, I'd be much more concerned about females as well. What we lack in physical strength, we make up for in other ways. We tend to be a bit more devious and creative. No offense to our male counterparts, but watch a female sadist work. I've literally had people be afraid to scene with Me after watching some of the things I do to clip. It always surprises them that I also happen to be a nice person.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 3:21:25 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There are some very scary dommes out there. Calla and her love of bloodplay comes first to mind. She's a fabulous person and member of the boards but I wouldn't play with her.

What I'm really sensing is your fear of being physically overpowered by a dom and having things done to you even if you don't consent. Should you wish to play with doms, there are ways to avoid triggering this panic button.

Don't get tied up.
Don't play with guys twice your size.
Do play in public with DMs who will know to listen for you screaming red with all your might. Do play with friends nearby who will intervene if the top ignores you safewording.

And most of all, get to know all of them as friends first. Because the greater the level of trust you build up, the less your fear level will be. And presumably you won't select as a friend anyone who proves him/herself untrustworthy.

But as others have said, there's no board of certified BDSM specialists who will withdraw your license to participate if you don't choose to bottom to a male.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 8

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 3:35:27 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I can say from personal experience that male Doms can be quite sadistic yet they also use much common sense when playing with a male submissive. I have several male Dom friends who I seek advice from and they all have a high level of care and concern for their sub's physical, mental and spiritual well being.
What makes sense to me is when you are talking and negotiating with a male Dom, simply do so in the same manner as if you'll talking and negotiating with a Domme. The basic framework is still the same in either case.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 9

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 5:39:09 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If you really want to sub to a male, take someone with you that can act as a security guard. I do think you are demonising men a bit though. I haven't yet come across someone who will act in a nonconsential way - because they don't get to play anymore if they get carried away and hurt their toys. Besides, they would have a really bad rep if they made a habit of overpowering their subs.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 10

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 5:43:26 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

If you're concerned about it, don't do it--at least not yet. I've heard from male subs that submitting to a female is completely different from submitting to a male. Obviously that's a generalization, but still, stick with women until you're sure.

quote:

ORIGINAL: atljerbear35

Now that I'm separated from my wife and working towards divorce, I'm beginning to get noticed by male Doms as well as female Dommes. Sexually, I'm totally ok with it, since I've been actively bi since childhood (as bottom/fem only, though) and love any chance to indulge that part; but I'm still terrified about submitting to other men for BDSM. As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless. I know intuitively that this is a part of my nature that MUST be explored eventually, but actually taking that first step is very daunting to me. Any comments/suggestions?

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 11

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 8:31:03 PM

atljerbear35

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

First, thank you all for your responses; I promise to consider them all carefully. Second, if I've given the impression that I'm demonizing men, I deeply and profusely apologize- I never said my fear was sane or rational- merely that it exists. I did had one brief session several years ago with a Dom that I had met online, but I was so nervous and afraid the whole time that I could not enjoy any of it; despite the fact that the Dom was polite, gracious, and a perfect host the entire time. The fault was mine, not His. Most of the responses seem to advocate a monitor or "bodyguard" for my first time (at least), and this makes a lot of sense to me. There also seems to be a consensus that Women are far more sadistic than Men; I didn't know this, which shows how little I know, I suppose. In any case, thanks again for all the valuable advice. I hope one day soon to be able to put that advice to good use.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 12

RE: Fear of other men - 12/5/2008 9:26:01 PM

DomDG

Posts: 63
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

In our local group it is a compliment to be told you hit like a Girl! My Mentor was a Female Domme who could be completely mean and nasty when it came to play. I have seen one of our Dommes clear a room with her CBT and singletail play. And, mind fucks? Our group founder a Femme Domme does demos on them! So don't judge a Dominant by their 'cover'.

As to fears, well, all I can say there is negotiate, communicate, and navigate!

Negotiate what it is you are ready for, fear and limits. Remember just because you are a sub who one wants to play with does NOT mean you don't have limits.

Communicate freely and openly. It took my princess and I years to learn true transperancy within our lives. We were honestly on the verge of failure when we learned it due to a great friend's reminder. She was afraid to tell me she wanted to be a slut, due to her upbringing and I was afraid to show the depths of my sadism due to her reactions to pain. So communicate about your fears, your desires and your reactions.

Navigate through the sea of potential partners to safely reach your destination and goal. That may sound trite, but let's be honest here. In order to find what we need we have to wade through people that may not have the best in mind for us. So knowing what we need and and where we want to go, is important. Keep an eye on where it is you want to get to, pay attention and you can avoid some of the hazards.

Hmm, maybe too much introspection... but there you have it!

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 13

RE: Fear of other men - 12/6/2008 11:21:48 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: atljerbear35

As a male, I have no trouble imagining the depths of sadism that men are capable of, and just thinking about the possibility of being helpless with "the wrong Dom" scares me shitless.

I'm thinking I'd rather be with the wrong man than the wrong woman, if we're talking sadism gone wrong. There's a reason for the antique expression that, if captured by an enemy army, one should commit suicide, rather than allow oneself to fall into the hands of their women. I have seen enough to support the truth of that expression that I'd rather not learn firsthand the details of it. Consider, for instance, that the most famous sadists from WW2 were women, although there were certainly men who distinguished themselves in that regard, too. Or that one of the best snipers around was a woman, with 38 enemy snipers among her kills. Or the number who have poisoned husbands, children and pets over the years.

Men may be more prone to physical violence, but I'm pretty sure the scales balance reasonably well overall.

Perhaps it's more a matter of being reluctant to be that exposed and vulnerable with a man?

Health,
al-Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 14

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 3:04:23 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I echo what everyone else here has said - I've played with Doms and Dommes and found that Dommes have that extra little edge when it comes to being a sadist, lol

But both are great fun! I'd suggest going to a local play club or dungeon and playing with a Dom while you're surrounded by others who can keep an eye on you. Once you're over the initial fear, then you can decide if you want to do it again in more private surroundings.

Good luck!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 15

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 5:08:13 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I wish there was a cat-that-swallowed-the-canary type cheesy grin graphic. AND, I wish you evil people would quit saying we female dominants are so much more evil and nasty. Ruining our cute fluffy reputations like that!!!

Please, let the dear man keep thinking we are all sweet, nurturing, angels.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 16

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 6:05:41 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

*snort*

I know that when I top, a couple of male doms I know cringe when watching me.. Must be the fluffiness factor.....

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 17

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 7:16:31 AM

OneMoreWaste

Posts: 910
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

I'm surprised that no one has mentioned being afraid of the toy you're showing off in your avatar

Personally, I can relate to your fear- statistically, if someone is going to be a sadistic serial killer, it'll be a male. In a non-consensual situation, (again statistically), you're likely to have better odds physically protecting yourself from a woman than a man (I'm fully aware that I'm generalizing through all sorts of important what-ifs here).

One thing I'd suggest- if you can get yourself to a BDSM convention or event, see if any male Tops teaching classes on techniques or toys you're interested in are looking for a demo bottom. It's a pretty safe way to start out. Likewise, public play at any kind of event can provide a measure of security- If you safeword audibly and the Top ignores it, there is usually a "Dungeon Master" or other security to intervene on your behalf. Depending on your comfort level, this may be easier to arrange logistically than having your own security for a private scene.

Just as an aside, one thing I've found very funny is that in my experience (real time), when FemDommes start talking about heavy CBT (bloodplay, tight ligatures, hard impact, etc), it's usually the female submissives who get the most freaked out by it. Nothing like a needle straight through the scrotum to get crowd response

< Message edited by OneMoreWaste -- 12/7/2008 7:23:09 AM >

_____________________________

-and the few still remember passion over rage-

(in reply to GreedyTop)

Post #: 18

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 8:41:42 AM

ThundersCry

Posts: 892
Status: offline

Nothing wrong with having a healthy...fear..of anyone who profess`s to be a sadist...

On the other hand...it does not take much just to beat...someone...

Sometimes way to much ego gets in the way...

Good luck on and in your journey...

(in reply to atljerbear35)

Post #: 19

RE: Fear of other men - 12/7/2008 1:20:28 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

Just as an aside, one thing I've found very funny is that in my experience (real time), when FemDommes start talking about heavy CBT (bloodplay, tight ligatures, hard impact, etc), it's usually the female submissives who get the most freaked out by it. Nothing like a needle straight through the scrotum to get crowd response

I would have to disagree with this. I have found it to be more common that the male Tops are the first to find another scene to watch when these things come up.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Fear of other men

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094