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people fixers - 12/6/2008 5:59:05 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		a thought came to me the other day and i was wondering if its something inherent in the people who walk these corridors.

its about people fixing. (and since posting this thread we've agreed that fixing is probably the wrong word because we cant fix a person, but we can help them to grow, change, develop, find inner peace, chase deamons)

ive always tried to help people, guys ive been out with, friends who are going through problems - im in there - trying to fix their problems for them.  in my line of work i have people talking to me about all sorts of problems, fears and worries, bereavement etc, i dont feel ive done enough if i havent at least tried to ease or help or advise somehow.

this isnt anything grand, im not attempting to suggest for a minute that im some sort of saint (because im not  - im a sinner from almost every stand point) but i know that D's have this in them, and what i got to thinking, since this is a place of symbiosis, of like people with like people, are we all like this or is it mainly a D thing.

edited: to change almost the entire post because it was partly bollox, partly confused and largely pointless

< Message edited by lally3 -- 12/6/2008 6:39:14 AM >

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:02:04 AM   
simpleplan2


Posts: 461
Joined: 7/5/2008
Status: offline 		lally...although I always enjoy your posts, I think this is a misconception...that someone can fix another.  I see this a lot...on both sides of the kneel...doms that want to "fix" their subs and subs that want to be "fixed."  I can understand some minor "adjustments" but actual fixing?  That's just not for me.  I like the way I am.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:04:11 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3
and if so, whilst our D's are fixing us subbies, are we fixing them too - since we are wired to give and breath their fire and gentleness - how are we fixing them.

Ya know, nobody's actually "fixing" anybody, right?  We can only fix ourselves and all that jazz.  However, I will say this:  Though Master hasn't "fixed" me, He's been my inspiration to strive for better, to choose the best options and to work toward "fixing" myself.  I believe I have "fixed" myself in several areas and it is He I credit with inspiring to want to do that. 

The same could be said for Him.  I haven't "fixed" anything but He says my presence in His life and my love for Him have made His life better in a myriad of ways.  Well, He never actually used the word "myriad," but you know what I mean.  I think a wonderful relationship inspires partners to work toward "fixing" themselves................luci

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:18:25 AM   
trealeon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/7/2007
Status: offline 		I've never thought I was "fixing" my girl or any other sub. Trained maybe, (I am careful not to use the word "mold" after the last thread we had on that... lol), but not fixed.

Also I agree that the only person you can "fix" is yourself.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:26:04 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		well, maybe thats what i meant maybe, (thinking again).  helping people to find the happyness and peace they seek within themselves that they cant seem to find on their own.

i dont think i meant fixing their personalities, although i did try to do that with a guy whose personality was so flawed he was utterly miserable.  i did try to fix him and he said close to the end, that he knew i was trying to fix him before i left him.

fixing in the sense of filling that gap that only another person can fill.

though i can say of myself and dozens of people on here that we have grown into very self actualized, self sufficient people and possibly, just possibly, certainly for me, that self actualisation has only come about through the wonderful D's i have known and the journey ive taken here - there is a gap in me that can only get filled (fixed) by a certain type of someone.

so fixing in the sense of symbiosis of a meeting of needs of understanding each other.

i guess what i was trying to drive at here, was that whilst we understand that D's have this nurturing, directing urge in them, do we as subs return the favour in some way.

i realise that by being there, as their sub we are obviously sharing their world, their life and filling that gap that can only be filled by a subbie - and maybe thats the answer.  hum, need to think this through and try to work out what i was trying to ask.

< Message edited by lally3 -- 12/6/2008 6:27:29 AM >

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:27:01 AM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		I don't believe I can "fix" anyone but I can inspire/guide them to improve providing they have the desire to change some aspect of their life.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:29:14 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's okay to be a friend to people in their times of need, but you just have to watch out for those who live in a constate state of needing to be fixed, who suck the life out of those who do try to help them, and then just stay in that constate state. 

If they don't really want to be fixed, it's best to just walk away.  That's fixing yourself.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:29:27 AM   
SadysticJester


Posts: 122
Joined: 6/24/2008
Status: offline 		were not fixing "persay" were more like correcting things they want changed that perhaps they cant do on their own or helping them bring out things they may not be able to.the same cana be said on the flip side,,depending on the relationship/person(s)..its never as easy as typin words to the effect,however you get the jist of the words.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:30:43 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally3

i guess what i was trying to drive at here, was that whilst we understand that D's have this nurturing, directing urge in them, do we as subs return the favour in some way.



Not all have this quality.  Some are cold and emotionless.  
People need to rely on themselves for finding their own happiness.  Waiting for others to provide it tends to not work out so well and puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the other person.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:31:10 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Fixing can be the worst thing when it turns into co-dependency.  I do not engage in that sort of thing, been there; done that, not fun.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:47:47 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		There are tons of people fixers out there. This has nothing at all to do with bdsm although I see a lot of people fixers attracted to bdsm because of the d/s aspects.

I tend to stay away from such people though since you can't fix others. You can help them to fix themselves but you can't do it for them or even force them.

I have no desire to "fix" my partner or anyone else. I will give them suggestions, helpful tips, will help them if they ask me but that's as far as I go.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:50:27 AM   
lally3


Posts: 595
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		ok, i think i know what i was trying to say -

sometimes, when im talking to a D and he tells me all the things he wants to do for his sub, the whys and wherefores, the giving often to the point of aching need, a gap, a deep abiding need to nurture and give themselves - it makes me wonder what it is i can give in return and is it enough to just be there in my capacity as me - is that enough, is there something more that i am giving other than my submission and if so what is it?  am i missing something because sometimes i worry that there is an imbalance of provision.

im not sure im making sense yet



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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:50:46 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		It can be as much an attribute of a bottom as it is of a top.  I don't fix my Master - I fix things around him to make his life easier.  This is literal as in replacing broken glass in picture frames or putting fallen shelves back together as in taking care of situations to get rid of possible impediments to him.  Many subs have nurturing personalities to begin with.




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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 6:55:58 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline 		I believe there are a meaningful number of submissives/slaves for whom part of the BDSM appeal is that they can find someone to "fix" them or their lives.  And I believe there is (at least) a similar number of Dominants who seek out (consciously or unconsciously) those submissives/slaves that need "fixing" (maybe it gives their lives purpose?).
 
And while there are exceptions to every rule, and I have absolutely no statistics to back this up, I believe that 99 % of relationships (in any lifestyle) that are built upon that dynamic are doomed to failure from the outset.
 
John

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:02:15 AM   
MPS72801


Posts: 1
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline 		No female is a dominant. Just mentally ill. Any female who thinks it is a dominant can be overcome in less than 30 seconds.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:03:26 AM   
loveandlight87


Posts: 110
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		lally,

You are making perfect sense!!! 

"sometimes, when im talking to a D and he tells me all the things he wants to do for his sub, the whys and wherefores, the giving often to the point of aching need, a gap, a deep abiding need to nurture and give themselves - it makes me wonder what it is i can give in return and is it enough to just be there in my capacity as me - is that enough, is there something more that i am giving other than my submission and if so what is it?  am i missing something because sometimes i worry that there is an imbalance of provision."

Do you mean that because you feel like you are getting so much from them in terms of emotional/physical satisfaction, you feel so loved and cherished and all that other good stuff, that you wonder 'wow, I am getting all of this, but what are they getting from me???"  I feel that way sometimes.  I feel like Sir brings so much to my life, how in the world can me just being me possibly give him as much in return.  Sometimes submission feels somewhat passive.  We all know it isn’t, but it can feel that way at times.  This can feel like you aren’t actively contributing.  Because the D’s natural role in the relationship is more active (as opposed to passive) it almost seems like they are adding more to the relationship.  Is that what you mean?

love

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:04:17 AM   
tkenslve


Posts: 98
Joined: 2/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MPS72801

No female is a dominant. Just mentally ill. Any female who thinks it is a dominant can be overcome in less than 30 seconds.


Ahh, dont ya just love the smell of profileless rabble rousers in the morning.

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:04:53 AM   
Rover


Posts: 2634
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MPS72801

Any female who thinks it is a dominant can be overcome in less than 30 seconds.


If you're basing Dominance on physical superiority, I can assure you that someone can make you into a wimpering submissive inside of fifteen seconds. 
 
The rest of the post isn't worth reply.
 
John

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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:39:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Trying to compare what we give in order to make it come out equal is a sure way to come up short :) 

Relationships are supposed to make our lives more fulfilled than if we were single- why else have them?  That doesn't mean we get into them to be fixed or to fix, and for many people that's nothing to do with what their relationship is. 



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RE: people fixers - 12/6/2008 7:48:01 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I'm on the 's' side of the kneel, and I a fair proportion of my job is to help youngsters with their lives.  I can't fix (sadly, wish I could...) but I can suggest, support, guide and cajole.

Of course this has made me think about my own situation, and has coloured my search for a D-type.  I don't want to be nurtured in the way I nurture the little 'uns.  It wouldn't feel right to me.  What would feel right?  Dunno - I'll tell you if/when I find it 

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