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CallaFirestormBW -> RE: open relationships (12/11/2008 12:43:54 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64
open bdsm relationships
Do they really work or is it some excuse not to commit to anything is it a form of being selfish or to open. after all ds suppose to be a higher form of trust. if your other is doing everything and kitchen sing and your ok with it what does it say about your values or take on things. do you not like to commit kinda of like congress lol
I think open relationships are where people just give up and are tired of being treaded on by bad people so they just give in kinda like the sheep to wolves t hing
whats your take
As usual, the OP has his particular bias against poly relationships showing... however, though I know it may make little difference to the author, perhaps someone else will find value in responses.
quote:
Do they really work or is it some excuse not to commit to anything is it a form of being selfish or to open. Like any other relationship poly/open relationships take work. Because polyamory is a committed triadic-or-greater relationship, with emphasis on the 'committed', it isn't an escape from commitment -- in fact, it is an expanded level of commitment, with more requirements that need to be met, just by virtue of adding the needs of one or more additional people to a dyadic relationship.
As for 'selfish'... well, all I can say is that, for me, polyamory is the antithesis of selfishness... I am able and willing to respect the love that my companions have for me enough to -not- be selfish, and to feel comfortable and safe in letting them express their love and affection for someone -else-, without feeling like it means that they don't love -me-.
As for "too open"... as long as one is in healthy relationships that nourish all the people involved, is there any such thing? That's like saying there is "too much good", or "too much love"... Huh?
quote:
after all ds suppose to be a higher form of trust. if your other is doing everything and kitchen sing and your ok with it what does it say about your values or take on things.
D/s, and polyamory, are both requiring of greater measures of trust. Having both in one set of relationships adds some extra burden to the participants to be honest, open, forthright, and straightforward with one another. Having either or both active in a relationship precludes situations where there is sneaking, lying, deceit, and dishonesty, since those do not foster healthy relationships.
As far as what it says about my values: I believe that it says that I value love enough to not hinder mine or others' expressions of love just because they choose to be in a relationship with me. I believe that it says that I am capable of honesty, forthrightness, and boundless joy, and am capable of sharing those with the only boundaries being the health and happiness of the people I am with. I believe that it says that I am open-minded, analytical, trustworthy, and trustful... and I believe that it says that I walk my talk... that love is not a finite resource, which must be hoarded and metered out carefully to keep from running out, but is, instead, a boundless, bottomless well, from which one can pour continuously and never run out of love to give.
quote:
I think open relationships are where people just give up and are tired of being treaded on by bad people so they just give in kinda like the sheep to wolves t hing
whats your take
Well, my take is that some people do, indeed, get involved in open relationships for all the wrong reasons -- but that doesn't make the concept bad... it just makes the expression flawed. Those cases are shaded by the large pool of individuals who make open and poly relationships work, and who are in them because they believe that love is a constantly renewing resource that is not limited by the number of bodies or the number of hearts between which it is shared... and which actually grows stronger the more often it is exercised.
The greater measure of poly relationships thrives outside the realm of D/s. The people involved in them have nothing to do with BDSM, WIITWD, or power dynamics. While open relationships and poly are potential adjuncts to D/s relationships, poly is its own entity, and it is my take that it should be considered as the separate entity that it is -- either a person is wired to embrace open/poly existence, or xhe's not. If xhe's not, no amount of 'mastering' or coercion is going to make that poly household come together. No rules will keep bitterness, hatred, resentment and anger from filling the household. No individual's -will- can force people to come together as a family where there is no desire or inclination, no matter -how- many porn novels make it seem like they will. It is abjectly wrong to attempt to manipulate another person's love by attempting to coerce that person into an uncomfortable and unrealistic situation. If one must say "If you love me, you'll let me bring in this other person, even though you said you you were monogamous.", then love is not the emotion being discussed.
On the other hand, for those who -are- poly, and who look forward to shaping a household or connections that will welcome many loves into their lives, no social recrimination or bad-mouthing from the misunderstanding outside or malcontented intentionally ignorant will keep them from loving whom they love. In the same way that no monogamous person can or should be forced into poly, no individual who knows that xhe is polyamorous should be forced into monogamy to suit someone else's idea of what is 'right'. "If you love me, you'll be monogamous with me" is a cruel statement, lacking in compassion, and denying the -essence- of the person to whom it is spoken. In a sense, it says "I love you, EXCEPT for your polyness, which you will have to deny if you want my love." Either you can love the whole person, not in -spite- of hir flaws, but embracing those as parts that make that person who xhe is, or there is infatuation there, perhaps, but there is not love.
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