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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:00:11 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I think everyone can be judgemental in certain subjects that they are passionate about. I do think I am a pretty open minded person and compassionate

I am not picking on you, I just chose this because I wanted to point something out.

Being open minded about something does not mean non-judgemental. I think that many confuse these two issues.

A person can be judgemental and still be open-minded.

What matters is how you present your judgements/bias to the outside world.

Awe. Come on. Pick on me. I luvs ya no matter what!

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:04:27 AM

lusciouslips19

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

quote:

I think everyone can be judgemental in certain subjects that they are passionate about. I do think I am a pretty open minded person and compassionate

I am not picking on you, I just chose this because I wanted to point something out.

Being open minded about something does not mean non-judgemental. I think that many confuse these two issues.

A person can be judgemental and still be open-minded.

What matters is how you present your judgements/bias to the outside world.

And that is it in a nutshell. I wanted to add that when people take things personally, that in itself is a judgement of another person. People get really paranoid about judging people or being seen to judge them, but not everyone does so on a level of saying 'your doing wrong/right' but more 'your wrong/right for me'.

the.dark.

Yes. I whole heartedly agree. Many get defensive. Perhaps not taking things personally comes with age and/or maturity. But being judgemental and saying it isnt right or wrong for you isnt the same. But I say even if I am judgeing or being judged, so what? I'm still going to like someone regardless of what they say.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:05:07 AM

Lashra

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I have been told that I am judgmental about somethings and that is fine. I have my opinions and I feel that I am entitled to them. I am not going to jump into someones face and tell them that their lifestyle/kink/belief is wrong, I may think that it is not for me and I will let it go at that. However if they push the subject then yes I will tell them exactly how I feel about and if they do not like it, well then they should not have pushed for an answer they were not prepared to hear.

Do I accept everyone's viewpoints on the various areas of BDSM/kink? No I do not. How do I justify that? I feel I am entitled to my own beliefs and viewpoints. Also keep in mind many people in BDSM/kink do not accept the Femdom lifestyle that I live so, frankly, I give as good as I get if need be.

I think everyone is judgmental to a degree, some more so than others. Some people are more verbal about it than others and some people would not say what was on their minds if their lives depended upon it. Everyone is different, as it should be.

~Lashra

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:15:12 AM

utopicus

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Hello

It's rather sad for people to be judgemental toward others; honestly, it's a matter of intelligence and open-mindedness that you regard the world around you with vivid eyes, mature understanding and eager desire to comprehend. Potentially this is how we can grow and develop spiritually.
What I've noticed (in general, not in here - in collar.me) is a defensive reaction in some people when exposing a general view on a certain topic; a reaction of self-defence as if the remark had been addressed strictly to that person. It's happened to me from people with education, supposedly engaged in an elevated conversation. Not only this is a major turn off, but it's also a terrible disappointment to realise that one has to censure one's view for the fear of hurting others' feelings. No debate and communication is possible in such circumstances.
Sometimes I am biased, as I have formed some perceptions on a certain subject, so my perspective derives from it. However, I'm not happy about it (somehow I'm ashamed), for I realise that I suppressed the potential of gaining new insights and views on the matter. The Socratic view would be "I know that I don't know anything", therefore I open to new each and every day. Therefore I exist...
Anyway, think that in here we should be speaking our mind, freely and constructively - we are a community of lie-minded people after all.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:18:26 AM

kdmfl

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This is a difficult one for me. Outside of friends and relationships I am very judgmental. I profile people as soon as I see them. I am willing to modify my opinion and judgments but initially I am guarded. I don't like being that way but situations in my life cause me to be so and for better or worse, it will never change. However, I don't hate against people, its just a guarded judgment although in the lifestyle I am more open minded that there are many interests that are not my own and try not to be biased against others. What I find sexy and erotic, I'm sure others disagree.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:19:11 AM

oceanwynds

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I have biases and yes make judgments that pertain to me. I try to post without attack, but sometimes my blood will boil and out it comes. That is part of who i am, and if i feel something is very wrong, i will state it. It doesn't mean that person, who I am responding too ,is good or bad. That is never my point, just the action they took, that i needed to comment on.

Everything about BDSM is not a part of me, and that I do not judge. Certain types of lifestyles in BDSM make me cringe, but that is me and not for me to say to another. If asked my opinion I will give it, but I would try to not try to convert the person to my thinking. I see no purpose it doing this.

I seldom take these postings personally, because of my judgmental attitude. Find a lot of what is posted is good, and find a lot just plain egos flying. I am here to learn not for an ego contest.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:20:30 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

we are a community of lie-minded people after all.

No. We are not a community of like minded people. We are a group of people who happen to share some similiar activities; activities which have nothing to do with our own individual thoughts.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:24:51 AM

Arillis

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I do not know if being judgmental is a part of my approach to other, I think not. I am deeply steeped in my experiences, fixed in my aspirations and for the most part neither concerned with nor affected by the beliefs, acts, actions, or opinions of others. I have preferences and therefore I am bias, I have likes and dislikes but they belong to me and are the products of intellectualizing.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:27:26 AM

IronBear

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Judgmental, in my opinion equates to the judgments many of us need to make during our daily lives at home, work and at play. In some cases we could also refer to those judgments as either decisions or assessments and are mostly based on information we have to hand about something, an action, an object/s or even a person/s and obviously ant combination of those three. A soldier makes a judgment based on his orders/mission and risk assessment on which action to take to complete the mission or part thereof. Often our manner of dealing with someone and especially those whom we don’t know particularly well are based on our assessment or judgment of that person based on that we know of that person and perhaps even our instinct or gut feeling, often based on experience with similar people in the past. In many times people are accused of being judgmental, and here in CM is a grand example, when they treat someone in a non positive manner or are terse with them. Yet if they treat the same person more kindly they may be seen as having good insight or as being gentle or kind people. However, on its own, judgments or being judgmental is not necessarily a bad or negative thing but usually means that the person has no fear and is used to calling things as they see them.

Being biased is common with I suspect 99.9% of people are biased in some form or another. Bias is simply our preferences. I have a bias regarding strong tea with milk as I prefer weak tea with a half slice of lemon unless I am having Japanese tea when I expect it to be served in the manner and custom as designated in the Japanese Tea Ceremony. I have instinctive biases about individuals or specific groups of people all based on past experience and in some cases based also on reliable intelligence. How I deal with those persons will depend on a myriad of factors. I may, for example, be biased regarding a group of religious fanatics. Now at that time my bias creates wariness about them but I will treat them with the courtesy as I would any other religious group, if however, they suddenly became armed and were descending on another religious group with the apparent purpose of destruction, I would immediately become biased against them and become judgmental as to my actions etc.

There is a grey area between bias and judgmental which is filled with a whole truck load of pot-holes to stumble into. Generally, it is far better to be biased in favour of people, beliefs, colour or ethnic origins rather than against them. The history of the USA adequately demonstrates the issues when people act on their bias against colour for example. Even with people I do not like or have little time for, one can treat these people with common courtesy and politeness if one has to be in their company. (I work on the basis that when I am attending functions hosted by a third party or and the address of another, I will avoid confrontations which would be a gross insult to my hoses and be an abominable abuse of their hospitality.

As always, just my views and perspective to which I hold no one.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/12/2008 10:29:31 AM >

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:35:07 AM

YourhandMyAss

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Yes. I believe I am extremely judgmental in and out of BDSM. And depends on the subject, but No, In most things I am judgmental on I am not open to talking about it with other people if they're trying to explain why my judgment is wrong , as I feel they're only wasting their breath. Nothing they say will change my opinion on the subject.

I don't feel I need to justify my judgments, It's my opinion it's how I feel and that's the way it is.

I think that, we're all entitled to our thoughts, but you better be ready to be flamed and mighty un popular if you voice those thoughts.

You're question about accepting all kinds and choices in bdsm, were not very clear, But my best stab at answering it, would be no. You do not have to accept all kinks and all choices in bdsm.

quote:

So my questions are: Are you judgmental and if you are, are you open for discussion with other’s about it? Do you justify your judgment or bias somehow? What do you think of it all? And lastly, my question about accepting any kink or choice people make in the area of bdsm.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 10:38:36 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

I think that, we're all entitled to our thoughts, but you better be ready to be flamed and mighty un popular if you voice those thoughts.

ANd that is where open mindedness comes in to play. Being able to accept that another has a different point of view; you don't have to agree; but accepting that they have the right to their thoughts goes along way.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:00:23 PM

RCdc

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quote:

ORIGINAL: utopicus

Hello

It's rather sad for people to be judgemental toward others; honestly, it's a matter of intelligence and open-mindedness that you regard the world around you with vivid eyes, mature understanding and eager desire to comprehend. Potentially this is how we can grow and develop spiritually.
What I've noticed (in general, not in here - in collar.me) is a defensive reaction in some people when exposing a general view on a certain topic; a reaction of self-defence as if the remark had been addressed strictly to that person. It's happened to me from people with education, supposedly engaged in an elevated conversation. Not only this is a major turn off, but it's also a terrible disappointment to realise that one has to censure one's view for the fear of hurting others' feelings. No debate and communication is possible in such circumstances.
Sometimes I am biased, as I have formed some perceptions on a certain subject, so my perspective derives from it. However, I'm not happy about it (somehow I'm ashamed), for I realise that I suppressed the potential of gaining new insights and views on the matter. The Socratic view would be "I know that I don't know anything", therefore I open to new each and every day. Therefore I exist...
Anyway, think that in here we should be speaking our mind, freely and constructively - we are a community of lie-minded people after all.

Regards,

Greetings utopicus

quote:

It's rather sad for people to be judgemental toward others;

You just judged that for people to judge others, that leads to sadness. You go on to make general statements based on a perception you have - another judgement. And that we are all like minded? Another.
These are judgements based on ideas and personal experiences you have. To deny that you are not judging others by how they write is pretty ironic in a sense (Re - Your statement

quote:

"What I've noticed (in general, not in here - in collar.me) is a defensive reaction in some people when exposing a general view on a certain topic; a reaction of self-defence as if the remark had been addressed strictly to that person. "

... is you, judging others by their reactions and placing such judgement upon them).

And again as IM already stated - do not believe that judging in anyway makes or equates to a person close minded.

There is a lot of wisdom in judging and bias - and the awareness that you do it, rather than to deny it plays a pat of your development. If you are unaware of the judgements you make and the bias you may have, you end up never seeing the mistakes you make as well.

the.dark.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:18:30 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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I've noted that some people seem to think that there is a requirement that, in order to be open-minded, one cannot also practice judgment and express bias. I don't necessarily think that that's true. I think it is possible to be opinionated, judgmental, and exhibit bias, while still remaining open-minded and flexible enough that a sound argument, rationally (if occasionally passionately) expressed that provides conflicting evidence that would negate one's own judgments or bias would be reasonably considered. I know I've been put in that position -many- times in the course of my life, and have had to make changes in my thought processes and ideas on the basis of new evidence that made something I believed obsolete or just plain -wrong-.

I think where people get antsy is when someone tries to force hir beliefs on others, or on the general populace, (that "one-true-wayism") when the foundation of those beliefs (the rationale and concept) was insufficient to effect change on its own... in other words, when the idea itself didn't change the world to their way of thinking, they resort to forcing their beliefs, using whatever means necessary (money, war, legislation) to make sure that their "one true way" is enforced. The idea that it is possible to make sound judgments for oneself that are recognized as not necessarily being right for everyone is, at least from what I've experienced, pretty comfortable.

The other issue that causes people to get all riled up is when someone exhibits a bias, and seems perpetually unable to recognize other positions that, while they may not work for hir, may be equally validly expressed. Relationships are one area where people seem to definitely have a bias -- preferences in partners are pretty much hard-wired into our natures... however, just because I prefer certain body types, relationship styles, and social flexibilities doesn't mean that someone -else- has the same preferences... even if we share one or more -other- aspects of commonality. It is the people who can't see past their own biases to recognize that someone else's preferences may have equal validity for that person's life who give the idea of bias (which is really nothing more than personal preference combined with individual response to circumstance) a bad name.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:23:35 PM

oceanwynds

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I not always open-minded and will be the first to admit to that. What i don't get, and this isn't about the lifestyle, is the need to flame a person. I don't want to understand it either. Will keep my close mind on that.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:27:27 PM

MrHarsh

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I believe that there's a difference between "judgmental" and "disrespectful." Usually problems arise as a results of the latter, not the former.

We all have hard limits - things that we find distasteful or even repulsive. Some of these things we honestly believe that other people shouldn't do because they're just wrong. Yet other people have these kinks.

The disrespect comes when somebody posts "can anyone tell me about XXX", and a few folks, rather than just keep their traps shut, decide to jump on that person by broadcasting their judgments and condemn them.

Hey, if you want to condemn, fine ... but do it inside your own head! We all pass judgments. We're human. However, since we're all human we all deserve some respect.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:42:41 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Judgemental? You bet!! I have very strongly held opinions, and I can explain how I arrived at them. But, I am willing to listen to other reasoned arguments, and agree to disagree, if I don't change my own way of thinking. Judgement need not be prejudice.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:49:50 PM

CatdeMedici

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No matter how we may frame it, we are all judgemental to some degree--that's why we have the friends we do, send our kids to the schools we do--choose the very elements that surround our lives the way we do.

I am, I admit it, I am open about many thoughts and ideas, however even within those, I have limits--things I don't want to be around, behavior that makes Me have that squick factor. I do listen to others ideas and opinions, but again its people I choose to listen to--so by the very nature that I am not surrounded by everybody doing everything anyway they choose---in itself says I am judgemental.

Do I think I'm better? I sure as hell try not to--but at the end of the day I am frightfully and sadly--human.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 12:59:53 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrHarsh

I believe that there's a difference between "judgmental" and "disrespectful." Usually problems arise as a results of the latter, not the former.

We all have hard limits - things that we find distasteful or even repulsive. Some of these things we honestly believe that other people shouldn't do because they're just wrong. Yet other people have these kinks.

The disrespect comes when somebody posts "can anyone tell me about XXX", and a few folks, rather than just keep their traps shut, decide to jump on that person by broadcasting their judgments and condemn them.

Hey, if you want to condemn, fine ... but do it inside your own head! We all pass judgments. We're human. However, since we're all human we all deserve some respect.

If you are specifically talking abou this site, I can promise you that the highlighted above is not going to happen. It's a message board. Anytime someone creates a thread, they are inviting all comments, both positive and negative to the subject matter. Neither you or anyone else but the moderators have any right to decide which opinions are worth hearing and which aren't.

Since we're on the subject of judgment, I would have to disagree with the statement in the following paragraph as well. As human beings, we may all deserve courtesy, but not everyone deserves respect. My personal opinion is that respect is earned and not entitiled.

PS. Thank you, Greedy, for agreeing with My earlier comments.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 1:09:12 PM

marie2

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I'm far more open-minded than I was a few years ago and less judgemental of people who do things in a way that I don't agree with. Yes, there are some kinks that don't sit well with me for various reasons, and sure, I judge them as being whatever, but I don't judge the people who choose to indulge in those things, unless I see some kind of gross exploitation going on.

Beyond that, I am extremely judgemental (and will remain so) of people who I perceive to be (or know to be) full of shit; liars, bullshitters etc... And I admit to also being very judgemental about people who simply do not have the self-control to disagree with a person's viewpoint without becoming sarcastic and insulting. Sure we all slip up from time to time, but there are people who communicate like that all the time. I judge them silently, in the privacy of my own mind.

I'm sure that people also judge me for certain things. And it really doens't bother me unless it's someone whose opinion I value or someone who means something to me.

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RE: Judgmental/ Biased? - 12/12/2008 1:10:26 PM

nakedfreedom

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I remember when I housebound for almost ten year and finally went out into the world - I was scared shitless of having an opinion about anything. I kept thinking that I wasn't experienced enough about the world to have a valid opinion. But the more I listened, the more I frightfully understood just how stupid we all are.

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