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Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 8:45:03 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		There was a time when I thought that I had everything that I ever wanted or needed to have. I thought it was forever...I really did. Funny thing happened though.....life changed the game plan.

I had my Master, the light of my life, the reason for getting up each and every morning. He was my everything.....he was my True North. For 11 years we had it all....or at least everything that was important to us.

Looking back I know the things that are important to me, the things that I need to have and the things that I am not willing to live without. So here I sit....3 long years later. Searching. Trying to keep the faith that what it is I am searching for is out there.....somewhere.

I am extremely upfront about what it is I am searching for. I don't beat around the bush. I am far too old for playing games and have made too many mistakes in my life to be able to afford making more.

What worries me is that with each passing day....with each contact from someone who professes to be what I seek and turns out to be everything but......I get a little more jaded. I wonder sometimes if there will be anyone who will ever be able to break through these walls I am building around me and get to my core. Will there ever be anyone who will be able to earn my trust completely....after it has been so completely trampled upon by those less worthy.

I know that there are those of you out there who have been down this path. Those of you who have had the misfortune of allowing yourself to hope...only to find out that the shining new dom on the scene isn't who he says he is. It doesn't take long to find out he's married....or he doesn't have a job.....or a car.....or any aspect of his own life in control but SOMEHOW he thinks he would be much better at controlling yours. Or maybe he doesn't really want to put in the time and instead of figuring out the mystery that is you....all he really wants to figure out is the mystery of how to get in your pants.

So.........for those of you who have been searching long....how do you keep taking that leap of faith? How do you even allow yourself to be open to the possibilities? How do you stop yourself from building the walls so high that no one will ever be able to tear them down? How do you keep opening yourself up and laying your heart on the line, risking that it may well just be crushed once again?

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 12/28/2005 8:46:02 PM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:00:18 PM   
passionfirenmo


Posts: 38
Joined: 10/10/2005
Status: offline 		mistferin,
For me it is called courage,,,,,
We may get knocked down by a broken heart,but if the fire is still there,One just has to summon the courage to go on down the path,,,
I try to look at it as ...It simply wasn't ment to be, and the best is yet to come,,,
Hang in there sister,Your time is gonna come.

Blessings,

passion

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:06:19 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Stop trying.

Just be.

Relationships will form organically.

And life sucks sometimes and no words will help.

And....maybe see what perhaps is messing up your radar/judgement? Maybe nothing, maybe something.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:06:21 PM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		When you stop working so hard at looking for Mr. Perfect, you may fall right over his lap! Not to be silly, but that's how it happened for me...years and tears and discouragement, only to give up and say to myself, this will never happen for me. Then, out of the blue, I met Master. We even lived a few minutes apart and I'd never met him, never spoken to him. I was still expecting nothing to come of it...nothing ever had...but over time, I saw that he was my center, and that I could build a life around him. I had built those high walls you spoke of, and tearing them down was incredibly difficult, but the right person will help you with that. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could tell you exactly when this might happen for you, but all I can say is try living in the moment. Find good friends to talk to, maybe someone kind to help you over the frenzied periods and don't let your hope wither on the vine. There will be someone for you again...maybe not tomorrow..but in the moment when you let go and trust that it will come when it is meant to come. Best wishes to you, hold on!

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:08:13 PM   
PerhapsitsFate


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/30/2004
Status: offline 		Dearest mist....

i can totally understand as i'm admittably jaded and cautious about meeting anyone. A good friend and i discussed this very topic recently, and I guess that the thing that we decided is that you'll keep looking, keep hoping because it's your strongest desire to find that person who fulfills you. I can't tell you how many times after a particularly bad break-up/reality check that I've said... "enough is enough!", but it never lasts. I'm a fairly successful, independant woman... but from me deepest core, I'm a submissive, and I can't seem to walk away.

Nothing I've said probably helps, but I want you to know you are never alone in that boat.

I wish you peace and happiness, and for the One you are looking for to sneak up behind you and sweep you off your feet!


_____________________________

"Be still, sad heart and cease repining; Behind the clouds is the sun still shining; Thy fate is the common fate of all, Into each life some rain must fall, Some days must be dark and dreary."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:27:13 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		A little story

9 years ago in May, I lost the only man whom I can ever say that I loved totally, and without reservation. Not only was this man my husband, he was also my Master; he brought me into this wonderful world that I now lurk on the outside of. I did not lose him to another woman, or to boredom...I lost him to his first love; the fight for freedom. He died overseas right before Christmas. Since that time, there has been no one who has come close to breaking down the walls that I have put up. I have been told by friends and family that the walls are so solid now that they doubt anyone could break them down. And maybe they are right. But I get up every morning hoping that maybe, just maybe, today might be the day that someone breaks through. That hopefully, someone will touche that part of me that even I wonder if it is still there. Every day, I get up with hope that the future will be brighter, and warmer, and one step closer to finding another.

It's the only way to survive. You have to believe that there is one out there for you. And that he/she is looking just as hard as you are. And that one day, the two of you will look into each others soul, and see the other half of yourself that is missing.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:28:27 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		I've stated on this forum a few times about finding out that I really don't much about this life I chosen to live. And I am still learning. But the one thing I do know, is what you are going through.

I was introduce in my early teens to this. Though taught totally different and served one man for many years. Upon his death, I found myself lost. I found myself out there running from one place to another. One relationship to another. Three failed marriages because I thought I had found "the one." I either married a vanilla and tried to bring my submissive side into the marriage. Or married to hide my submissiveness.

My former Master even turn our life around to vanilla after kids were born. It just seemed I was unable to grasp things. And felt my whole world being ripped from me, in some shape or form. I was damned everytime I turned around. To the point I built a wall about me. I began looking for trouble in relationships that were not there. I really had a major ..... no.. let me refraze.. I have a major issue with trust. I always seem to have my foot propped in the door for a fast easy get away if I see things not going right. And I found it easier to run than to try to work them out. Because to me, sitting and talking things out, I felt was giving the other ammunition to use against me. He would see my fears, and use them. A few have. A few ran the other way themselves.

Now I have been away from the life in real life for almsot 10 years. I've tried a few times for real life connections with a few Doms. Met a few I met on line in real. Only to find 1-2 married that stated they were not. Met a few wanna bees as well that just wanted some kinky sex and nothing more. I was almost thankful for my back surgery in 2000 that pulled me from any means of social and or sexual communication with men. Because I was so tired of the bullshit, the lies, the head games. All though I did talk to a few on line. A real meet I would do anything to avoid.

And then here came Master. I wasn't looking. Well I won't say NOT looking, I was browsing around. But not actively either. I think it's called window shopping so to speak.. LOL

And anyways... here he came. He seen me in my vanilla ways first and formost. On line at that. Playing in a league game on yahoo. And after about 6 months of casual Hi's.. and playing in league together. He began his pursuit of me. And stupid me didn't see it till A mutual friend had to smack me up side the head to take notice. And here began our slow trip together. It was like 6 months into our relationship that he informed me that he was a Dom, and knew from just watching me around others, that I was a submissive. And that's been about 3 months ago now. Maybe just over 2 months. But the thing is, It's been a wonderful journey. One I thought I would never see again. And every day, I thank God for allowing me this chance again. Now I don't know where this will go. I do know where we have talked of it going. And where I want it to go. But no one knows for sure. I'm just thankful to be able to experiance life... and love again.

So as to your post. I do know how you feel. I've been there. And I had given up. And just knew, even in my late 30's, I was going to spend the rest of my life alone. Well, looks like I was wrong. So though discouraged. Don't give up. Don't stop dreaming. Allow yourself the chance to be happy again. (Even if it means having a friend smack ya in head to take notice like I did) before he slipped away thinking you aren't interrested.

I wish you the best, and i wish you the joys and happiness that life still does have to offer you.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 12/28/2005 9:32:41 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:38:05 PM   
UtopianRanger


Posts: 3251
Status: offline
quote:

So.........for those of you who have been searching long....how do you keep taking that leap of faith? How do you even allow yourself to be open to the possibilities? How do you stop yourself from building the walls so high that no one will ever be able to tear them down? How do you keep opening yourself up and laying your heart on the line, risking that it may well just be crushed once again?


I know it's hard as hell, but I think the key thing to bringing the ''walls down'' is the act of ''forgiveness''

I think if a person can learn to forgive others {and themselves}, they can let go of their past-future preoccupations and begin to live were they belong, which is in the ''Now.''

When one can remove themselves from the past and embrace the ''present'', they stand a hellva lot better chance of attaining peace of mind/fullfillment.



JMHO


Best wishes!


- The Ranger





< Message edited by UtopianRanger -- 12/28/2005 9:45:17 PM >

_____________________________

"If you are going to win any battle, you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do... the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."

-General George S. Patton


(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:46:45 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		My advice is horribly cliched. Just enjoy life. Be open, but don't search so hard. The disappointments won't be so disappointing and the rest will be a happy surprise.

And don't forget - by definition faith is believing in something with absolutely no rational reason. :)

I have empathy though.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:50:46 PM   
Nendarye


Posts: 147
Joined: 12/23/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Nothing that I can say would be better than what has already been said. I have always liked the quote from Miracle on 34th street "faith is believing in something when common sense tells us not to"



_____________________________

" You may be suffering, but you will always suffer with love"

@~~Proud property of Master Michael~~@

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:51:41 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		All of the philosophical BS (no disrespect meant, lol) having been covered, the only reason I keep trying is for the potential of running into the right partner for me, with whom I could grow old, and because I believe that a good relationship can change one's life, perspective, and fulfillment in a positive way.
On the other hand, I am content to be single anyday, rather than deal with a lukewarm "he's better than nothing" relationship. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 9:56:15 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Wow....guess a few of you have been there too.

One thing I guess I should clarify....I always fail to realize how literally the written word gets taken....I used the word searching....I guess that is not entirely accurate. I don't actively search as much as I leave myself open to the possibilities. I do very much live life in the now. I am out and about and enjoying myself....I am very active in my local communities and attend all the functions. I am a very social person. What I find though is that the Dominants I respect most are in relationships already....the new ones are intimidated by my experience (even though it is much less important to me), there is an overabundance of those who don't have it together or are just looking to get a nut and will say anything they think you want to hear to achieve that.

As for forgiveness....there really is nothing to forgive. We both gave it all we had to give.

I am immensely touched by some of the responses here. I am glad to know that I am not the only one out there who has felt this way....and it tears at my heart to know that others are going through or have gone through this anguish.



_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 10:01:45 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

On the other hand, I am content to be single anyday, rather than deal with a lukewarm "he's better than nothing" relationship. M


See M.....that's just it. I am sooooo not willing to settle. I am a competent and intelligent woman who is quite capable of taking care of myself. As much as I want someone to share my life with....settling for anything less than what I know is fulfilling is just not something that I am willing to do.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 10:12:50 PM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
mistoferin
Ive read your words and I want to interceed here some thoughts I had instantly apon reading your pain.
The walls you think you have up where made of paper that tore open when you spoke here and We responded. ( peekaboo! )
The loss you feel has come and gone and with it the regret that only leaves one thing that should always be based
on a positive thought of those We cherished, and thats memories..( here is where you go... ~~ahhhhhhhhh~~ )
your courage and faith are obvious because you have been here bearing your all for quite some time as We all have
and its not gone nay by the way side, on the contrary you havent a clue of just how many persons everyday your words touch in some way positivly, that you will never know had any affect for another soul but it happened all the same.
You are a absolutly georgous human being in more ways then just physically and just a quick peek at your profile gave Me a smile that I do not often hold nor keep. Thankyou for that.
So keep up the good fight for your desires, your wishes, your needs and some day as for all of Us
they will be realized in the most unexpected of places in your life. JMO





Attachment (1)

< Message edited by MistressDREAD -- 12/28/2005 10:13:58 PM >

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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 10:22:01 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Mistress Dread.....there are no words I can say......thank you. Your words have moved me to tears and made feel as though my Grandfather had put his arms around me and said in his thick Barbadian accent...."awww child". Somehow....those words always let me know that I was understood and that everything was going to be ok.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/28/2005 10:46:43 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

that's just it. I am sooooo not willing to settle. I am a competent and intelligent woman who is quite capable of taking care of myself. As much as I want someone to share my life with....settling for anything less than what I know is fulfilling is just not something that I am willing to do.
I've always been impressed you are not the "compromising because I'm afraid to face life a s a single woman/person."
My other motivation for continuing to look is the fabulosity of play/sex when you share chemistry, sincere affection/love, and trust with your partner/s. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/29/2005 12:36:14 AM   
peppermint379


Posts: 111
Joined: 8/18/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Looking back I know the things that are important to me, the things that I need to have and the things that I am not willing to live without. So here I sit....3 long years later. Searching. Trying to keep the faith that what it is I am searching for is out there.....somewhere.


I am a firm believer that events happen when it is right for them to happen. For years i wondered if i would ever make contact with the real life community i knew existed. There was a munch that was only a bit over an hour away, but i couldn't get to it as i was caring for an ill family member for years. That person eventually passed away. Many months passed. Then within 1 week i found a Dom and sub. They were not from my immediate area, but through them i began to meet others. It seems that when i had the ability to really be part of the community, the community opened up for me.

Then being such a newbie, i thought i would need to find a teacher, someone to help me understand all that this life was about. I met with a few Doms, but nothing really clicked. Finally i attended my first large event. There i made friends. There i discovered that for my purposes, i really didn't need to find just one. After the event i went visiting the Dom and sub i'd become friends with. I met more people. I was just as happy being a part of all this without having a special person in my life. Perhaps, i thought, i really didn't need just one dom and so was content with what i did have.

How life is full of surprises. I kept in contact with those i'd met during my travels. One of these Doms eventually offered me the position of traveling companion. I said i'd think about it, but inside i just knew i couldn't give up my present life to go traveling. Surely i was too young to think of retirment yet. He was persistant though, and as time passed and we got to know one another better, his offer became more enticing. Then he came here for a 2 week visit. How comfortable it felt to be with him. How right it felt, as if we'd known each other for a very long time.

And so....finding my first connections, attending my first event and meeting so many wonderful people, and now being within 2 weeks of joining him in Arizona.......each event has happened when it was proper for it to happen....when the time was ripe.








(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/29/2005 3:00:35 AM   
sweetpettjenny


Posts: 674
Joined: 11/7/2004
Status: offline 		Erin... i know exactly how you feel. i came from a 13 year Master/slave marriage, about 5 months later i met a Dominant who broke my heart again and as many times as he could , with lies and deception , and stealing amoungst other things. After this experience i started to chat here and made a profile active again. i felt used and like i couldn't be loved the way i needed. Worst of all he still harasses me and makes it difficult , because he threatens me and i fear him (not physical threats, but more regarding other things). i would chat with Dominants here and meet some from time to time, and the first sign of what i contrue to be strange behavior i would tell them i wasn't interested. Maybe some of them were decent and just nervous, maybe not. For me it was waking myself up and breaking down some walls and self inflicted rules ( one being a age limit for a Master in my head) . After i opened up more than a little i met A Dominant, who is caring and thoughtful, and pocesses a lot of great qualities. Now everyday , i struggle with my own insecurities , not to rebuild the walls. He thinks i am not shy , and that i have a booming personality, when in all actuality im shy in many ways, i work hard at not letting it show. My advice to anyone seeking is ....when you least expect it He/She will be there!!!!
just keep growing and removing self imposed barriers so they can see you for the person you are .

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/29/2005 3:12:12 AM   
gbgirlz2003


Posts: 65
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline
quote:

It doesn't take long to find out he's married....or he doesn't have a job.....or a car.....or any aspect of his own life in control but SOMEHOW he thinks he would be much better at controlling yours. Or maybe he doesn't really want to put in the time and instead of figuring out the mystery that is you....all he really wants to figure out is the mystery of how to get in your pants.


Looks like you and my friend penny have been talking to the same losers.

Most established dominants have a reputation and it is easy to find out EXACTLY what they have/don't have.

Why not do a credit check on anyone you think you might be interested in?

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Keeping the faith??? - 12/29/2005 3:42:47 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Just be.
Relationships will form organically.


Great advice.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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