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Advice - 12/14/2008 9:06:08 AM   
lateralus45


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline 		My wife/sub and I were involved in D/s for a few years. About 6 months ago we decided to take some time off because of some disagreements that we thought were affecting our marriage of more than 12 years. We agreed that if either of us were to want to return we would discuss it. I found out several days ago that she had returned to CM and began speaking with other Dom/Masters. I felt betrayed that she didnt speak with me first and now I believe she may be considering him for online only. I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with.

Many Thanks
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:10:37 AM   
jeffman1234


Posts: 61
Joined: 6/11/2004
Status: offline 		Uhh Oh ! Try to get her to go with you to
marriage counseling. When communication starts to break down that is what you need,

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:12:37 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		I agree you have a bigger problem here.

Mike

(in reply to jeffman1234)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:13:12 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I agree with jeff.. counseling. NCSF-Kink Aware Professionals

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to jeffman1234)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:22:00 AM   
lateralus45


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline 		Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s.

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:28:00 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Our marriage is a very good relationship.


Of course, this is why she seeks on-line domination. 


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:29:10 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline 		Not to be hard on you here but if your marriage was not in trouble would she be sneaking around online on you?

Mike

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:44:01 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45

Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s.


I think you need to be very honest with yourself here. If she really thought D/s was the problem she wouldnt be looking into it without your knowing. My guess is she chose to blame the problems on that because its an easy get out clause and often when a relationship is falling apart the first thing to go is the D/s. How can you follow someones instruction when you have negative emotions around that person? You need to talk to her, seriously.

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(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:52:32 AM   
lateralus45


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you all very much, I have done nothing but think about this since I found out. My trust in her has been strained to say the least. I want to fight to keep her, but I fear I will push her further away. I wasn't sure what the hell to do, never been put in a position like this.

(in reply to SirMIkeSD)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:08:08 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Sounds to me like she likes to be dominated, just not by you. Maybe it has something to do with style, or as others have suggested there is more going on in the relationship.

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(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:08:28 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45

My wife/sub and I were involved in D/s for a few years. About 6 months ago we decided to take some time off because of some disagreements that we thought were affecting our marriage of more than 12 years. We agreed that if either of us were to want to return we would discuss it. I found out several days ago that she had returned to CM and began speaking with other Dom/Masters. I felt betrayed that she didnt speak with me first and now I believe she may be considering him for online only. I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with.

That last sentence virtually confirms that the D/s aspect isn't the problem with your relationship.  Seems you both want the D/s but she clearly doesn't want it with you - bottom line!
 
And if D/s ain't the problem then what's left is your greater, overall relationship together.  I think you have a little bit of denial going on here and possibly more nasty surprises coming with that "she may be considering him for online only" comment....  You're so sure about "only"?
 
Focus.  

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(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:17:54 AM   
lateralus45


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline 		the online only is what she told me, I don't know whether to trust her there or not being our agreement has already been broken.

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:35:04 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45
I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears.


mmmmm I have to wonder if your ears hear any better. 

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:37:53 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45

Our marriage is a very good relationship. The issues we were having were coming from the D/s side of things, I had no problem with the physical parts but more along the lines of the mental aspects of her submission to me. She felt she was losing herself in the D/s.


I think you need to be very honest with yourself here. If she really thought D/s was the problem she wouldnt be looking into it without your knowing. .......


I have to agree with this... I don't think you are being all that honest with yourself and as such I doubt there is much honesty between the two of you with your feelings and thoughts... difficult to consider that to be a very good relationship.   I however can't begin to consider what the actual causes of the issues you are having with such little information.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:45:04 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45
Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with.



Maybe what you need to do is listen to her!  I mean actually listen to her... put your wants aside and listen to what she wants!  Forget about what she is doing or did.  Listen to what she wants... and when you actually hear her you can look back and see how you didn't give her what she wanted and can decide what you can do to actually give her what she wanted.  Now... this is an assumption that you didn't give her what she wanted... but I can't see how you could of given her what she wanted for a fulfilling relationship with a D/s dynamic if she is looking for it else where.

I think you need to listen!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 2:26:15 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Your marriage is foundering. You have serious communication issues. She has built up major resentments and has given up talking to you because you didn't appear to ever hear her. As to why she stopped the D/s; because she didn't trust you to have her best interests at heart.

Why she's chatting online? She's lonely and wants to feel loved and of value.

Serious communication and relationship issues are what you need to deal with, not D/s.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 2:34:37 PM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Perhaps she's betraying you so that you will punish her?

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 3:36:05 PM   
Usako


Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline 		I don't quite get why people are assuming the two never talk or he never listens. There isn't much info to go on, don't know the OP or his wife nor how their marriage is going. It may be that he doesn't listen it may be that she just doesn't know how to express her desire to look elsewhere for d/s. It could be anything but I wouldn't assume the worst from the info given.

The only sure fire thing to say is you need to talk to her. No distractions, just two people. Make sure she knows how important her being honest is and let her know you'll listen, even if what she says isn't something you want to hear. There seems to have been underlying issues before when you two stopped the d/s that might not have been resolved and instead, leaving d/s was a bandaid. And when in doubt, couneling; a neutral third party never hurt.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 7:14:43 PM   
cagliostro


Posts: 128
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		Relationships are built on trust.  She violated your trust by looking for someone else without telling you so.  So she's broken the foundation of the relationship. 

You have to tell her exactly that.  Ask her how you can be expected to continue a relationship with someone you can't trust.  And ask her what she's getting from what she says is online only, that she can't get from you.  That's useful info no matter what happens.

If you want to try to resurrect the relationship that's up to you, but personally I'd show her the door.

(in reply to Usako)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 7:29:04 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		She wants one thing, you want another, the answer is both harsh and simple.. Each go your own way and forget the other ever existed. Better to walk away taking only what you wear than carrying a load of festering sores and the kitchen sink loaded with dirty dishes..  Were it me, I'd be changing identities and moving to the other end of the country where she knows no one or better still make a new life overseas and even take a new nationality...  Or you could just shoot her.. Ummm may be too direct for you and the law will object.. Naw just leave with no forwarding address.. Then shoot her or her kin if they follow you.... 

< Message edited by IronBear -- 12/14/2008 7:30:35 PM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to cagliostro)
Profile   Post #: 20
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