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RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 9:34:44 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Fast Reply

Remember none of us know you or whats actually going on in the relationship so at best we can only throw a few words your way from the indicators you've given in your post.

I read all your posts three times to try and get a picture, it could be painted so many ways, here's one:

So you had a discussion about 6 months ago, you were having problems with the mental aspect of her submission to you and she felt she was losing "herself" in the d/s. Which basically means you were both having a problem with the same thing. You guys felt enough for each other to say "hey lets just forget it all for awhile and just be together".

Time passes

Women think a lot. They mightnt say anything but they are thinking..about every little thing you said. Submissive people by nature think a lot about pleasing their partners..they take indicators from every little thing you say.

For six months she's been thinking.

Could it be possible she "said" she was "losing herself" cause you were having problems with her submission to you?

So we arrive at today and she is hooking up online to get some submissive need in her satiated.
Could it be possible she isnt looking for another partner, its nothing to worry about... but the submissive in her is craving that control and the internet is the safest way she can think of to not put a risk to the relationship but to get those feelings back she craves?

I've got no clue, I played around with the scenario to give a differnt angle to the other posts.

Hope you guys work it out.

Cheers




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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice - 12/14/2008 10:24:54 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline 		When she said that she felt she was losing herself in the D/s, I think she was telling you that she needed you to make her feel secure, secure enough to continue further; that she needed you to be strong enough to be her anchor, because she wanted it, needed it. I think she wanted your reassurance, wanted to know that her submission mattered to you; that you wanted it, that you could handle it. And instead, you took the attitude of hey, no big thing, we'll stop, like it didn't really mean that much to you one way or the other. Just a guess, but it would explain a lot.
 
K.


< Message edited by Kirata -- 12/14/2008 10:26:32 PM >

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice - 12/15/2008 4:53:55 PM   
MasterTslave


Posts: 200
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		always funny how the one that wants out can't just come right out and say it!  Always blame someone else, something else...never the real prob.  I think that maybe she needs to have some "her time" and maybe wants out...sorry..

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice - 12/15/2008 6:57:19 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45

Thank you all very much, I have done nothing but think about this since I found out. My trust in her has been strained to say the least. I want to fight to keep her, but I fear I will push her further away. I wasn't sure what the hell to do, never been put in a position like this.


Forgiveness goes a long ways.  Sounds like you two need a good talk before she takes it beyond online only. Good luck with it.

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(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice - 12/15/2008 7:16:11 PM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I would say run to counseling...don't walk... it won't get better w/o it and with it can only help!


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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice - 12/16/2008 7:45:43 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Some points that you seemed to have missed:

She said she felt she was becoming lost in the D/s.

You said she's returning to a life that you never wanted to leave.

Online is not the same as what you were doing. It's D/s lite. It's part time. It's a computer, electrical lines and vapor.

It's the difference between using a treadmill for half an hour and running a marathon.

Have you stopped to ask yourself, if maybe that's all she can handle right now? Maybe she can't handle being in a D/s relationship 24/7.

Either she's not able to tell you what's going on.....or you're just not listening.

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(in reply to greeneyedreamer)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice - 12/16/2008 11:20:31 AM   
Maxwell67


Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		It sounds to Me as if she simply did not want to hurt your feelings by telling you she would like to play some D/s games again, but not with you.  It is not necessarily a reflection on yourself.  Perhaps your marriage is working better without the D/s element and she wants it to stay that way.  Lack of transparency is dishonest but it usually happens for reasons that seem good at the time.  Now that it is out in the open, address it honestly and listen to what is being said as well as making your own side clear.  Expressing your disappointment is the sort of thing a dom does, but you are not her dom now, so don't try to assume that role.  Not yet anyway.  Forgive the transgression that she began looking without you.  It is better for you not to make a big deal out of a thing that you cannot change and is no longer relevant.  If you want to get back into it then maybe you also can find an online alternative and the two of you will at least be able to discuss things D/s for a bit first.  Maybe at some later time you can try it between you again, but take it slow.  This is not the death knell for your relationship.  Not unless you treat it that way.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice - 12/16/2008 12:20:21 PM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Clearly he only hears what he wishes to

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(in reply to Maxwell67)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice - 12/17/2008 10:43:32 AM   
lateralus45


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/12/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the help,
I have read all the replies to my post and like many have suggested we should talk. To let all of you know we have talked about it quite a bit and we both know where each other stands on it. Im just waiting to see where we go form there.
Thanks

(in reply to Sylverdawn)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice - 12/17/2008 11:07:44 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Hopefully to counseling


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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice - 12/17/2008 1:13:45 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Uh dude your issues have nothing to do with bdsm.  Basically your partner is being dishonest with you.  IO have no advice for a lying spouse as everyone is guilty of it at some point in their life.

BadOne

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(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice - 12/18/2008 3:05:38 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cagliostro

Relationships are built on trust.


...communication, honesty and flexibility.

Communication runs both ways.

If after having talked you still don't know where to go or what to do you haven't talked enough. End of.

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(in reply to cagliostro)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice - 12/19/2008 4:20:43 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		Hey  guys after 12 years of marriage..nothing fully broken yet...But yea you need to sit her down and talk it thu or it will be broken and for good too.  Been there,done that and don't want to go there again!

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Advice - 12/23/2008 5:18:08 PM   
GoodFeathers


Posts: 202
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, I know I'm no Dom, just a bratty little subbie, but I couldn't help saying what's on my mind for this one. 

The wonderful, beautiful woman you married 12 years ago is not the wonderful beautiful woman you are married to now; just as you are not the exact same man you were 12 years ago.  People change, they grow, they become more fully who they were truly meant to be. 
I want you to now go back and read the above statement over until it really sinks in.

Now, there is obviously a break down in communication and I'm guessing it started more than six months ago.  Odds are, it started at least a year ago. 

One thing is obvious, the D/s aspect of your lives was not the major issue. 

As a woman (and a subbie), I know my the complaints to my exes (and doms) never fell on deaf ears.  They fell on ears that didn't want to hear what he had to say anymore.  This was usually the result of my complaints or suggestions after many weeks and months falling on what I considered deaf ears.  

Should you feel betrayed?  Yes.  But the source of your betrayal may not be where you think it is.  It does not lie solely with your wife.  A great portion of it lies with you.  Did you ask her if she felt betrayed?  The answer might surprise you.  Has she felt wanted?  Not loved, not lusted for, but wanted.  Desired.  Have you? 

Is your daily routine with one another just that?  A daily routine? 

I do agree with the others on the point of counseling.  It is much needed here.  I wish the two of you the best and hope you find your way back into one another's hearts and arms. 

Okay, naughty little subbie will quietly go stand in that corner over there.


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(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Advice - 12/23/2008 5:35:15 PM   
SimplyIsaac


Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lateralus45

My wife/sub and I were involved in D/s for a few years. About 6 months ago we decided to take some time off because of some disagreements that we thought were affecting our marriage of more than 12 years. We agreed that if either of us were to want to return we would discuss it. I found out several days ago that she had returned to CM and began speaking with other Dom/Masters. I felt betrayed that she didnt speak with me first and now I believe she may be considering him for online only. I have already voiced my disappointment but seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Im wondering, what if anything I should to since she has decided to return to a life I never wanted to leave to start with.

Many Thanks


Get a divorce and stop prolonging what is probably the inevitable. Doesn't mean you don't still love her.

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Advice - 12/23/2008 5:47:17 PM   
MrDevlin


Posts: 32
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline 		I've trashed a lot of relationships, so pay this no heed, but I think a relationship is only on if it's "ON", you can't fix 'em in the same sense as a broken down motorcycle.  Do what she's doing, let her do what she will(she's going to anyway).  Like I said, this is probably like financial advice from a Wall Street guru, so ignore it.

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Advice - 12/23/2008 7:04:48 PM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline 		My personal thing is transparency in areas that I'm uncertain about and unsure of. I can tolerate ambiguity to a pretty fair extent, but there comes a point when I do want real answers.

So, if I discovered my partner in an online D/s thing, I might be able to accept it, but I'd need to know what it was about; what she was getting out of it, what she was seeking, how I can dovetail with that if possible.

If I can get my head around what she's doing, if I feel included, I might be ok with it or even supportive.

If I don't feel included I think my tendency is to begin disengaging emotionally, and I would tell her as much.

That's just how I've tended to deal with things, but I don't have a 12 year marriage to try to maintain, so your milage may definitely vary.

(in reply to lateralus45)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Advice - 2/20/2009 12:55:03 AM   
creamlemon


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		I hope its not rude to drag an old thread out of the dirt. The original poster is satisfied with what has been said. Nevertheless, I wanted to add something - because when I was in a D/s relationship I at times expressed to my partner that I was getting lost in the D/s dynamic...
i encapsulating the following thoughts in that statement, as my thoughts developed: it was very difficult for me to go into a completely submissive mindset and then return to being the person I was. My partner needed to return - he needed to break from the D/s dynamic, while I was strained going back and forth - I would get lost and coming back was a struggle and a personal interrogation. And so my feelings would sway from "lets cut this D/s stuff out" to "I will sacrifice more of my other self to my submissive mind, so that i can be submissive all the time." I am inferring a lot by suggesting that your wife intended to say the same thing when she told you she was getting lost in the D/s...but for me that phrase conveys the struggle to go back and forth, the resentment one side feels for the other, the lack of foundation when you are shifting some part of yourself that is so fundamental back and forth creates all sorts of waves for in every part of a person that is more superficial.

(in reply to Jeptha)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Advice - 2/20/2009 3:16:34 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

She wants one thing, you want another, the answer is both harsh and simple.. Each go your own way and forget the other ever existed. Better to walk away taking only what you wear than carrying a load of festering sores and the kitchen sink loaded with dirty dishes..  Were it me, I'd be changing identities and moving to the other end of the country where she knows no one or better still make a new life overseas and even take a new nationality...  Or you could just shoot her.. Ummm may be too direct for you and the law will object.. Naw just leave with no forwarding address.. Then shoot her or her kin if they follow you.... 


Bear, you are fabulous!  :>

OP, I believe you're doing that stereotypical male thing of assuming the issue is only the symptom you are focusing on. 
Also, if you're supposed to be in the D-role, I find the tone/approach of someof your posts waaaaaay confusing; I suggest you re-read your posts as if you were reading those of someone else and see if you believe they come across as one in charge. 
Alas, I fear there are large, large issues here and join the voices that urge counseling if you are going to even try to salvage things. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

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(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Advice - 2/20/2009 6:06:51 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		lemme get this straight:
1. she gets you both to quit
2. she sneaks back w/o your knowledge
3. she is hooking up with someone else - w/o your knkowledge


.... dude, you've been dumped as her Dom.  Unless she pays she pays the bills, you are supporting a ... well, I will let you sort that out.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 2/20/2009 6:07:31 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 40
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