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What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 6:23:51 AM

CelticPrince

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Time to hijack my own thread!

As the intimacy thread developed, the old lightbulb went off and it became apparent that there is a vastness,[ perhaps normal] as to what intimacy is beyound the implied definition.

Trust is assumed, but does it go beyound that/ if a female can you really feel comfortable with yout vibrator knowing your partner is there watching you, and even have that org/ converserly if a male does it bother you that your partner is present as you stroke Mr. Johnson. Can you openly share your deepest fantasies without thoughts of arguement or rejection.

If a Dominant can you be comfortable crying over a issue? the list can go on but the thoughts are ther to consider.

CP

Post #: 1

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 6:44:02 AM

Maxwell67

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I think that would be vulnerability, and not just intimacy. Can I be vulnerable around Mine? Well, actually I suppose I could. I have let her nurse me through illness, and I was pretty vulnerable then. I have never hidden any part of myself from her. Vulnerability comes once trust, honesty and transparency in the relationship are established and I think that when it hits, it is often the end of many relationships, it makes people, especially Dominants, very nervous to show that. It is why we Dominants admire the strength of submissives so much, since they seem to be able to be vulnerable very early in the relationship. It is unfortunate when it cannot work the other way, but I suppose it is common. I have read a number of posts here in CM where submissives have expressed alarm or even disdain for any dominant who would dare show even a hint of what they might think of as weakness. I have always thought it a bit strange and funny that the thing many Dominants consider to be the strength of a submissive is the same thing many of those same subs consider to be weakness in a Dominant.

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 12/20/2008 6:47:35 AM >

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 2

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 6:46:23 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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To me, intimacy is the act of sharing closeness with another - be it physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - whichever. It is experiencing a moment (or more) together which results in a mutual bond, trust, caring, and allowing oneself to be vulnerable.

Your example of a female being comfortable with her vibrator, knowing she is being watched, can be intimate or not, actually, depending on circumstances. At times, that can just be a physical, sexual moment with no emotional attachment at all - if a woman is comfortable enough with herself and her body, exposing herself like that might not make her feel vulnerable or close at all.

An example of an intimate moment with the man I'm seeing - we share an interest and practice in Buddhism. He was telling me about this meditation bowl he bought and why it was special to him. When we were together last weekend he brought it, and showed me, and made it "sing" for me. The sound was phenomenal and gave me goosebumps. Neither of us were speaking; just absorbing this amazing sound that vibrated around the room. Knowing the bowl's meaning to him, the sharing of it was very special. When the sound finally died down, my mouth was gaping open in awe of what that thing produced, and I was touched that he let me "in" to that part of himself. No words, just eye contact, and the energy felt between us was amazing.

As for a dom crying - well, humans cry, yes? His mother died last month and he called me after the funeral to tell me that 200 people in her small town showed up - and how many people spoke and what they said. He said he was exhausted from crying so much - that he was so touched by all of it. His voice was cracking as he shared it with me. I felt touched that, being so relatively new to each other, he would include me in this and share so much with me - not just share the funeral, but share himself emotionally.

This is why I think the physical is only one small piece of intimacy. The deep sharing of self can come from many avenues.

Cool topic!

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 3

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 6:49:39 AM

LaTigresse

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Maxwell hit on something I have found to be true in my life. People want to be intimate/open/transparent with you, but don't always want to accept the same FROM you.

Which is why, for me, there are different levels of intimacy with different people. No one has ever shown they want it all.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 4

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 6:57:19 AM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
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Wow! Talk about the varied replies that should come forth.

I'm feeling frisky this morning, so I might as well jump in here, since for me intimacy is wanted and needed in the relationship. Intimacy to me goes much deeper than trust. It's being able to share my deepest, more inner thoughts, feelings, emotions. To answer CP's question, yes, it's being able to use my vibrator in front of Him and orgasm. It's being able to lie in bed in the dark and talk about things without feeling judged or rejected or just plain stupid for wanting to talk. It's being able to listen to Him and hear everything He's saying. It's being able to just be together and be doing nothing and there is a comfort level that can't be found anywhere else. It's being in the middle of play and Him looking at me and knowing what I need and want. It's being in crowded room but yet feeling as though it's just yall. It's knowing that all your faults can be laid out on the table without fear that they will define you. It's being able to giggle softly when you know you've just screwed up. It's the "oomph" in the relationship that defines it to more than just play or casual. And these are just my thoughts ...

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 5

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:06:39 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
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intimacy isn't anything having to do with vibrators and vulnerability to me; it's more the act of sharing something with someone that you don't share with just everyone; it's akin to a prostitute not kissing her johns but she will kiss her husband, etc...

it's those small things that distinguish us as more than just another notch on the bedpost; it's being someone who is truly cared for by the other in ways they won't share with anyone else.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 6

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:12:36 AM

LaTigresse

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And yes, I do see a discrepancy between what is acceptable depending on which side of the / your on. As much as s types will say they want their M or D type to be transparent or intimate with them, I see otherwise in their words when they describe what they are attracted to.

From what I have seen, it is more of an active transparency of the s type, and active acceptance and safety of such on the side of the D/M type.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 7

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:14:10 AM

krikket

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From: Washington, DC Metro Area
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Deep intimacy is the one thing i've always craved in a relationship and the one thing that has been rarely offered or freely given. Without that intimacy, between both of us, it's only half a relationship, and therefore doomed to failure. Life has taught me to be careful with both intimacy and vulnerability, unless my partner shows he wants and needs it as well. If shown or offered too quickly it seems to scare them away -- poof!! never to be seen or heard from again. Unfortunately it's a vicious cycle, and one i don't know how to break. i want and need more than just a physical relationship with my partner, and without that intimacy i'd be just settling, and i've done enough of that in my life. i'm with LaTigresse on this one -- different levels for different people. The relationships that did have it all were because we both showed our vulnerability to the other, each reached out and inside wanting it all, rare and precious, to be truly treasured. i don't know why (generally) men are afraid to show their more vulnerable side. It makes it easier for me to trust them and to share that part of myself, and it makes me think more of them, not less. i know there are people, men and women, who are able to reach this state with their partners. i've met them both in person and on here, and i often hope they appreciate what they have (and for the most part, i think they do).

What a lovely way to start the weekend, thinking about possibilities.

Happy Holidays, y'all.

jimini

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:29:00 AM

ExSteelAgain

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Intimacy is a given goal in my relationships. If it isn't there, it won't last. I don't completey trust those who can't become intimate.

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(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 9

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:35:15 AM

OttersSwim

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Joined: 9/1/2008
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This past weekend, my definition of intimacy changed.

I sort of had a common vanilla concept of the term. Intimacy sort of involved breaking my personal space - for touching or kissing, or sharing deep personal truths, or...

...having three women lick frosting off my chest..which for me felt extremely intimate...but they thought nothing of it.

Coming from the vanilla world, I am finding overall that kinky people tend to be much more casually physically intimate than the vanilla people I had interacted with previously. There is a level of emotional maturity in most kinky folk that I have not seen as much in vanilla people. Much more willingness to break that personal space and be intimate with touch in ways that you just don't see as much in the vanilla world.

I understand that what I have described here is only the concept of physical intimacy, but I found it interesting to see this culture from a vanilla light and experience that shifting definition in myself.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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Post #: 10

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 7:56:47 AM

DrkJourney

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Joined: 5/6/2007
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This is a great thread! It's good to see others that feel the same as I do. All I seem to run into in my email are those that think we are all (including them) robots that just turn off and on. No emotions, no relationship, just training machines, machines that will train anything and any body.

Then call you fake if you don't comply with their demands to be owned, right then and there on the first email. And they don't mind telling you that in their vast experience, that no one things like I do, and that I"m just trying to trick some poor soul into a vanilla marriage....LOL with all the abundance of vanilla sites, it really makes since I would come "here" to find a vanilla husband.....yeah right..lol they will try and say everything to get you to do their bidding.

I am finally talking to one, that seems to really get it..of course, as luck would have it, he's on the other side of the planet....lol

I agree with many of the different aspects of what's been said so far, so I won't repeat.

Thank you for this Christmas gift. It gives me hope, that maybe one day I will find "the one" not the "perfect" one, but the compatible one.

Happy Holidays all
DJ

< Message edited by DrkJourney -- 12/20/2008 8:00:20 AM >

_____________________________

...Look into my eyes and I'll own you....

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 11

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 8:10:48 AM

SimplyIsaac

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Joined: 12/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Maxwell hit on something I have found to be true in my life. People want to be intimate/open/transparent with you, but don't always want to accept the same FROM you.

Which is why, for me, there are different levels of intimacy with different people. No one has ever shown they want it all.

Yeah, that nails it. Its rare when intimacy is shared equally. Then again...does it have to be fully mutual for a relationship to work?

I think a little mystery or difference between a couple can be interesting, but thats probably a different topic, I guess.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 8:20:43 AM

stella41b

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From: SW London (UK)
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Me texting a woman telling her that I was dirty, smelly, cold, wet, nowhere to sleep, no money, hungry, thirsty, alone, confused, frightened.. still street homeless. That I felt I couldn't go on any more.

Her texting me back telling me that it didn't matter, that it was breaking her heart for me to be in that way, that she so much wanted to be with me, hug me, and for me not to ever give up hope but to hold out until I found somewhere to live and to have faith in the future so that we could one day be together.

That was when I was in Warsaw, Poland, end of November 2005.

This is the same woman who texted me to tell me she collected the money I sent her Western Union and bought a coach ticket to London, that she was frightened, scared, that she didn't know English, that she had never ever travelled so far from home in her entire life, but that she cannot wait to be with me and make everything better.

I texted her back and reassured her that I would be waiting there for her and it would be better when we are together.

This was two days ago. In eight days time she will be here with me in London.

There is a Polish saying - ktoś, z którym można ukraść konie - someone with whom you can steal horses. This to me is intimacy.

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(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 13

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 8:28:53 AM

Lockit

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I believe that life wounds and how we perceive them and deal with them often determine how we function in life and with others and for the most part in people I have known, those wounds keep them hiding behind a veneer of themselves. Because they have been wounded and they might feel the world works a certain way, this veneer is formed to protect them and shield them from anything that can hurt them. It is that smile of a clown that hides the tears or the rough exterior that hides the vulnerability or what might be seen as a weakness now that they have been hurt.

When safe some will rip the veneer off themselves, others will need it ripped off one small piece at a time, in a process of feeling safe a little at a time and some can never take it off and allow themselves to be vulnerable to any more pain.

I do believe that a willingness to be vulnerable needs to be there and when it is not; it is fear. Fear becomes a force that we use to protect ourselves rather than something that is useful in truly dangerous situations. Fear clouds our view and most everything can be a dangerous situation and it’s harder to see who or what is truly a threat to us. Fear makes everything bigger, more powerful and it makes us feel smaller, less powerful and the longer we use it as a protective measure, the more powerful/stronger it becomes and the veneer becomes thicker and harder to penetrate.

Then there are those who have been unseen, unheard and wounded who know that vulnerability is needed to have what they want in life. They take any veneer that might be there with most situations or people off as quickly as they can so that they can finally have that ultimate in intimacy and bonding and because they are anxious to find that elusive dream of intimacy and love, they too quickly grasp at it at the first sight of some semblance of what they want and need.

One might think that the later is more trusting. I don’t believe that to be so. When people are wounded they are less trusting and it doesn’t really matter how they harden or how they seek, they can still have a rough time trusting another or in a situation. Giving the appearance of trust in quickly going for that intimacy yet deep down holding something back, isn’t trust. Learning to trust again can be difficult and everyone that does deal with it has to find their own way through to trusting someone. Most of the time it is a choice to trust someone worthy or not and to take that chance and if it doesn’t work out, the veneered toughie will find more reason to hide behind that veneer and the one who can see the wisdom in being vulnerable will feel more dysfunctional because they trusted too soon or the wrong one.

They mighty emotional webs we create are a bondage that a lot of people get caught in and may never be released from. It takes a balance of all things, wisdom and sometimes risking further pain to get to where we really want to be. How that happens depends on the people and situation and how brave with our soul, we can be.

Intimacy to me is when two people can move beyond any life wounds, feel safe and share anything and everything from the smallest itch in a more intimate spot to all that has happened or will happen and how they feel about it all. Intimacy is a form of personal freedom shared with another.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

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Post #: 14

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 8:58:36 AM

OttersSwim

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
There is a Polish saying - ktoś, z którym można ukraść konie - someone with whom you can steal horses. This to me is intimacy.

Win.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 15

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 10:49:56 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Maxwell67

I think that would be vulnerability, and not just intimacy. Can I be vulnerable around Mine? Well, actually I suppose I could. I have let her nurse me through illness, and I was pretty vulnerable then. I have never hidden any part of myself from her. Vulnerability comes once trust, honesty and transparency in the relationship are established and I think that when it hits, it is often the end of many relationships, it makes people, especially Dominants, very nervous to show that. It is why we Dominants admire the strength of submissives so much, since they seem to be able to be vulnerable very early in the relationship. It is unfortunate when it cannot work the other way, but I suppose it is common. I have read a number of posts here in CM where submissives have expressed alarm or even disdain for any dominant who would dare show even a hint of what they might think of as weakness. I have always thought it a bit strange and funny that the thing many Dominants consider to be the strength of a submissive is the same thing many of those same subs consider to be weakness in a Dominant.

Maxwell.

A very good point indeed!

CP

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 16

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 10:54:37 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

To me, intimacy is the act of sharing closeness with another - be it physical, mental, emotional, spiritual - whichever. It is experiencing a moment (or more) together which results in a mutual bond, trust, caring, and allowing oneself to be vulnerable.

Your example of a female being comfortable with her vibrator, knowing she is being watched, can be intimate or not, actually, depending on circumstances. At times, that can just be a physical, sexual moment with no emotional attachment at all - if a woman is comfortable enough with herself and her body, exposing herself like that might not make her feel vulnerable or close at all.

An example of an intimate moment with the man I'm seeing - we share an interest and practice in Buddhism. He was telling me about this meditation bowl he bought and why it was special to him. When we were together last weekend he brought it, and showed me, and made it "sing" for me. The sound was phenomenal and gave me goosebumps. Neither of us were speaking; just absorbing this amazing sound that vibrated around the room. Knowing the bowl's meaning to him, the sharing of it was very special. When the sound finally died down, my mouth was gaping open in awe of what that thing produced, and I was touched that he let me "in" to that part of himself. No words, just eye contact, and the energy felt between us was amazing.

As for a dom crying - well, humans cry, yes? His mother died last month and he called me after the funeral to tell me that 200 people in her small town showed up - and how many people spoke and what they said. He said he was exhausted from crying so much - that he was so touched by all of it. His voice was cracking as he shared it with me. I felt touched that, being so relatively new to each other, he would include me in this and share so much with me - not just share the funeral, but share himself emotionally.

This is why I think the physical is only one small piece of intimacy. The deep sharing of self can come from many avenues.

Cool topic!

NV,

Well setting aside our opposing positions on what it is,let me say that it appears that your both very fortunate having found each other. merry Christmas to you both.

CP

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 17

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 10:56:52 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Maxwell hit on something I have found to be true in my life. People want to be intimate/open/transparent with you, but don't always want to accept the same FROM you.

Which is why, for me, there are different levels of intimacy with different people. No one has ever shown they want it all.

LaTigresse,

Well hell there is alot of life left it someone may yet. Happy Holidays

CP

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 18

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 11:36:16 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
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From: Nashville, TN
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Intimacy is vulnerability.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 19

RE: What is intimacy to you? - 12/20/2008 11:47:27 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

To me, intimacy is honesty. Pure, unabashed truthfulness. In all things. If that means crying, as a dom, around those close to me, then so be it. It means being able to share openly what is on our minds, no matter how big or small and knowing that it will be received and understood wholly, or at least tried to be. It means loving someone for all of them, their good and strong points but even moreso their faults and weaknesses, and being able to share all of those and work together with them.

It also means, being able to wander in and use the restroom while the other person is in the bath/shower, and no one be bothered by it. ;)

_____________________________

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(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 20

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