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deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:04:04 AM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

hello All-

my first relationship in the D/s world has sadly come to an abrupt end. being that i am new to the lifestyle this
experience has left me 1-with my heart in my hand 2- empty 3-deceived 4-feeling like a fool. i am posting
this thread with the hope that some light maybe shed on the expectations of the Dominant.

a little background...W/we met online four months ago and from the first moment W/we met there is was
a strong connection that continued to grow. i do realize the four months is merely a drop in the bucket however
W/we had agreed to be commited to one another, and any third parties would be mutually agreed upon.
W/we created a couples profile on the website in order to seek out a female playmate, however he kept
his personal profile. i was under the impression he was using his profile as a platform to also search for playmates for U/us. my curiousity got the best of me and i created a profile of my own so that i could view
his to see if he had made any mention of myself in his profile,which he had not. my intentions were of an
innocent nature, i certainly did not do this to trap him or set him up. however when my fictitious profile
received a "wink" from him, i winked back resulting in an email expressing how pleased he was in my
interest..going on and on about what he is looking for in a sub etc. i messaged him back and let him know
it was me and that W/we were over. i do realize that i had taken part in an embarassing game, and it's not
something i am proud of.

also, in the four months W/we were together he had managed to keep himself almost completely anonymous.
i new his first name, email address, and the city in which he lived. i found this a bit unsettling but he explained to
me that i should be available to him, which seemed logical. but the more i think about it now...it just seems he had something to hide...or is my sometimes vanilla way of thinking hazing my perception.

in my studies and voracious reading about this lifestyle...i was under the impression it is the Dominants duty to care for, nurture, teach, prize, His or Her submissive. however i feel like he used his proclaimed Dominance as a
way to manipulate me. i opened myself up to him in a way noone has ever known. i love him. i trusted him.
i would have done most anything to please him.

my idea of the lifestyle has completely changed. unfortunately i believe my first experience will be my last.

Post #: 1

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:10:58 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

My only suggestion is to avoid getting emotionally invested with ANYone you are only communicating with online. You basically set yourself up for what you got. Next time, you need to take everything online with a whole salt shaker full of salt.

If you want the qualities you express, you need to spend real, face to face, time with them. Get to know them, and get to know the people that know them. There really isn't a better way to take measure of a person.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 2

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:22:20 AM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

thank you La Tigresse--

although W/we did meet online...most of O/our experience together was in real time.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 3

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:25:11 AM

sultryone

Posts: 46
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

My only suggestion is to avoid getting emotionally invested with ANYone you are only communicating with online. You basically set yourself up for what you got. Next time, you need to take everything online with a whole salt shaker full of salt.

If you want the qualities you express, you need to spend real, face to face, time with them. Get to know them, and get to know the people that know them. There really isn't a better way to take measure of a person.

I completely second this. Do not give up, just next time you meet someone, don't give them everything. Keep your heart, your secrets, and let those things out over time, especially if it's online only. There are most certainly quality people out there but it takes time to find them. So please, dust yourself off, wipe away your tears, and get back out there! :)

_____________________________

I sometimes get things wrong to get things right...

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 4

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:30:24 AM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

You don't have to create a profile to view someone else's profile. If you feel the need to check up on someone, then your "radar" is already telling you something is wrong.

Stop expecting someone who puts a label on themself to be "more" than someone who does not. Don't expect that the mere label of "dominant" (or submissive, or any other label) makes someone more caring, more honest, more whatever. People are people... being trustworthy has ZERO to do with labels.

Don't put the blame for this jerk on BDSM or any particular "lifestyle". That's bunk.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 5

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:39:44 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

thank you La Tigresse--

although W/we did meet online...most of O/our experience together was in real time.

My appologies, I misunderstood the initial post.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 6

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:47:29 AM

daddysliloneds

Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline

i guess that i'm not seeing why anyone would become emotionally intimate and vulnerable, let alone respect and follow orders from, a complete stranger; and i'm not talking about the fact that your relaionship was online only...

i'm talking about the knowing nothing about him, such as his last name, etc.

now if you were to meet a guy face to face, and didn't know anything about him, just as the above mentioned guy, would you also get emotionally invested in him?

i guess i'm looking more at this from the standpoint that you jumped in, two feet first, in the dark and deep end of the pool, without testing the waters first, and wonder why you got hurt and wonder if you'll ever do it again, which is a good thing, because you've learned something about yourself through life experiences. you've learned that you're one of those gals that wants something so bad that you're willing to put yourself in harms way and then question what you did wrong when you get hurt...

i used to be like you. overtly trusting, overtly naive, sub-frenzy sort of state of mind, etc. because i wanted it so bad and i wanted it right now. fortunately, a few bumps and bruises along the way, taught me lessons on how to avoid getting those bumps and bruises as much as i once did before. i learned to slow my ass down and to think before i acted all the time, which is hard to do when you have strong desires, or it was for me, and i learned to take baby steps, instead of jumping in both feet first all the time...

and then i soared.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 7

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 8:53:31 AM

bdsmbear

Posts: 9
Joined: 10/10/2008
Status: offline

Hello bdksbabe,
Some very good "words of wisdom" for you here. Don't take anyone who calls Himself a "Dominant" or "Master"as such until He has shown you that He IS indeed such a One! Don't give up on yourself, your needs are just that, you will find the One you seek, tho, it is said,"you have to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find your Prince"!
I would suggest you alter your current Collarme profile to reflect your new status; free and looking, and take more time this time around. The Lifestyle can be a most rewarding one, when you find the right "One". I wish you well in your search!
Bear

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 10:25:27 AM

solitarygoat

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/25/2008
From: Salem, Oregon
Status: offline

I wish I had more time to describe my experience with online relations. Over the years I've met many people with only a scant few continuing on. Just by the nature of the Internet, the possibility for deception is huge. That said, I've had online relationships that have lasted for years and have become quite intimate in some cases. 'The world is full of trickery. But, don't let this blind you to what virtue there is' (Desiderata) Strike a match, start anew (Dylan) knock the dust off your shoes and move on...

(in reply to bdsmbear)

Post #: 9

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 10:50:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Well you broke my rule of getting committed with someone within the first six months. In hindsight you can see how silly it is to commit yourself to someone so fully with so little actual time working together. But hey, you had the experience, people suck soemtimes, and you'll move on and hopefully make better choices and judgements next time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to solitarygoat)

Post #: 10

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:06:07 AM

everhope

Posts: 2179
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

if everyone was totally honest, i think most of us have been dubbed online. i learned to always keep a clear perspective. when i start getting too "into" the person online, i start doing more activities with my flesh to flesh friends. that might mean i even force myself to go out to dungeons/events instead of staying home typing my fucking heart out! your situation was more an in person experience from what you say, but not knowing someones last name and more basic personal info fairly early means they have something to hide and not the kind that i could invest much time and heart into.

may we all find our bliss.

_____________________________

may we all find our bliss

Resident VWB

We all die.
The goal isn't to live forever.
The goal is to create something that will.

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 11

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:15:25 AM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Well you broke my rule of getting committed with someone within the first six months. In hindsight you can see how silly it is to commit yourself to someone so fully with so little actual time working together. But hey, you had the experience, people suck soemtimes, and you'll move on and hopefully make better choices and judgements next time.

Op----sorry that you had this experience. It is difficult when you invest in a relationship and it doesn't work out. I am concerned that there was such a lack of information on the person you were relating with; submissive does not equal doormat or connote blind faith. In fact, imo, offering one's self involves, imo, trust and being clear that you are a valuable part of the equation. I don't thinkt hat any of us have perfect boundaries all of the time, certianly myself included, but I wonder at perhaps your personal need to flesh them out a bit better. Best wishes and don't let one creep dissuade you from who you are; just take care of yourself and value yourself.

LA----I am curious at the 6 month timeframe; would you please explain your rationale for that number as well as how you would define committed in that sense?
I completely agree that people do, in fact, sometimes suck.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:17:33 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Having in the past successfully had two LRD's on line whilst I was involved with the Gorean Liufestyle, (one kajirs lived in Washingtom DC and the other in New Zealand) I can only say (and it appears to agree with LA's six months rule), it take a lot of time to get to know someone on line. regular communications on almost a daily basis, broard discussions about everythig which interests each of you and so on. Time alone will in most cases allow you to weed the fluff from the diamonds. In my case, both on line relationships lasted a number of years.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to everhope)

Post #: 13

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:17:56 AM

laura2161

Posts: 254
Joined: 3/8/2008
From: Duluth, GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

i'm talking about the knowing nothing about him, such as his last name, etc.

now if you were to meet a guy face to face, and didn't know anything about him, just as the above mentioned guy, would you also get emotionally invested in him?

She said they were real-time so she did do exactly as you described above. I see so many problems with that I dont even know where to begin. To the OP: You love him yet you didnt even know his last name or where he lived?? And you trusted him?? How could you possibly trust him when he would not even give you basic information about himself?

Im sorry but you allowed yourself to be manipulated. Learn from this. Grow from this. Most of all please use common sense- Ds is no different then meeting someone vanilla. Get to KNOW them first before committing to said person.

You'll bounce back in no time. I know I probably sound a bit harsh but damn, take responsibility for yourself before you ever ask someone else to have responsibility over you.

< Message edited by laura2161 -- 12/20/2008 11:19:38 AM >

_____________________________

'I am not infantile, You StinkyButt Poophead!'

(in reply to daddysliloneds)

Post #: 14

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 11:18:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Oh it's just a good general guideline. I've found that six months is generally long enough for people to get through their hazes of newness and frenzy and begin really thinking and understanding things beyond their immediate loins desire. Plus there's no reason to make a commitment to someone BEFORE then because if it's going to last, then six months is hardly any time at all.

Committed is really any commitment- any expectation that you are in some ongoing relationship with someone else. This include mentors, trainers, boyfriends, doms, tops, play buddies etc.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 15

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 12:12:13 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

quote:

my idea of the lifestyle has completely changed. unfortunately i believe my first experience will be my last.

If your idea included the notion that "the lifestyle" was somehow immune from liars, cheats, and gamesters, then the change is definitely an improvement.

You dated a schmuck. Exit the lifestyle and date vanilla and you may still find yourself dating a schmuck.

The solution is not to choose this or that lifestyle, but to learn the lessons of this experience so as to not date any more schmucks than necessary.

_____________________________

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 16

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 2:00:04 PM

bdksbabe

Posts: 17
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

hello All--

thank you for the thoughts and comments, they are indeed very much appreciated. i do realize that i made a mistake in wearing my heart on
my sleeve. likewise Celticlord, you are correct that there are "schmucks" in all walks of life. lol. maybe i shouldn't give up so easily on the
lifestyle..but a break to clear my head is definitely in order!

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 17

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 2:11:01 PM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bdksbabe

although W/we did meet online...most of O/our experience together was in real time.

you were with him for 4 months, you agreed to commit to each other, and you did not know his last name?

_____________________________

PICKED UPON
TECHNO-DOLT
MEMBER OF THE SUBBIE MAFIA
GRACEFULLY CHALLENGED :::::splat:::::
BOOT WHORE
VAA/S FAN

GIVES GOOD HEART (Lushy)

CREATOR OF MAYHEM (practice)

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 18

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 2:24:48 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Drink heavily. Nothing clears the head quite so much as a good hangover.

_____________________________

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 19

RE: deceit and Dominance - 12/20/2008 2:41:55 PM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

this was online only? then don't commit anything at that point.. wait until you sit across a table ... many times and see the look in the other person's eyes... maybe then you might want to commit

sorry, your story is fairly common... get out into real life and use online as a part of your search/SM life.. not all of it

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to bdksbabe)

Post #: 20

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