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Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 12:09:11 AM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

Just sort of general musing here....

Some people on this site are looking for a Mistress (or Master), Owner, slave, submissive, pet, whatever. The site seems to me mainly oriented towards that.

Perhaps because I'm not entirely sure if I'm a "real" submissive, or just a bottom, or something in between, that's not really quite what I'm looking for. What I'd like to find, ideally, is a girlfriend/mate/potential partner/spouse, who happens to be kinky and at least dominant-leaning. I'd want us to have a lot of common interests besides BDSM; I don't think I'd want D/s to define our relationship. On the other hand, I can't imagine maintaining a long-term relationship with a woman who wasn't at least somewhat kinky; partly because I fear I'd be dissatisfied and tempted to stray (even if I never actually did, the temptation would be a problem) and partly because I have trouble understanding why anyone would not want to be kinky anyway. :) I'm pretty flexible on how big a part BDSM would play in the relationship: whether it would just be an occasional special treat in the bedroom, or whether my role in the relationship would clearly be subordinate at all times, or anywhere in between -- at least, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.

At the same time, realizing the odds are against finding such a person out of the blue, and having spent far too much of my life fantasizing rather than doing, I am also very open to finding play partners in the meantime -- again, with a lot of flexibility in terms of how exactly that would work.

Is it realistic to look for that sort of thing? I am still trying to figure out who I am, so it's even harder to figure out who my partner ought to be. (Literally, a friend of mine asked me recently what "my type" would be, and I was at a total loss. Beyond "Someone who actually wants me," I don't really have a clear vision of who it is I'm looking for. That criteria seems difficult enough already....)

Do I need to broaden my focus, or narrow it? What is it you ladies are looking for -- a potential husband who happens to be submissive, an obedient slave, or just a bottom to beat? And anywhere else the stream of consciousness from this leads you to go. Thanks. :)

Post #: 1

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 1:39:46 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

What I sense that you seek is entirely reasonable and possible. I began a similar discussion a few years ago on another website and received this response from a domme whose posts I found insightful. Her post helped me sort through my thoughts. While I am drawn to different BDSM scenarios, this carries most appeal as one for a long-term relationship.

quote:

MistressErica
I think you would find a lot of what you are looking for in a relationship where you and a domme fall in love with each other--and where both of you view that love, and a future partnership, as more important than d/s.

If you meet someone who considers you primarily a lover and life partner--and only secondarily a submissive--it's most likely to be a nuanced relationship.
If she's looking for a "submissive" and that's the most important thing to her, then odds are she will want to be in charge all the time, on every issue. I've done the hardass domme/sub thing (with women who were not love matches for me) and I find it involves amazingly hot scening and sex but then plays itself out after six months. I mean, how long can you live a pure sexual fantasy ?

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 2

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 2:01:49 AM

houseboy001

Posts: 29
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline

I agree with 'undergroundsea'. It seems as if you have reasonable expectations and you will find what you are looking for. Pardon the crass old saying but it goes "there is an ass for every seat" As for trying to find yourself and figuring out who you are join the club!!! It happens to me on a daily basis. You are in the right place now you just have to wait for the right time and the right Mistress! Best of luck!!!!

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 3

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 3:20:20 AM

Sofifine

Posts: 3
Joined: 12/16/2008
Status: offline

I agree aswell, there's some things you have to stick to to know what you're going to get. it's like baking cookies. if you even get the mix a little bit different You'll make them Hard or worse.. Runny..

Sexual experience is always a Plus though..
S+

(in reply to houseboy001)

Post #: 4

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 3:48:35 AM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
Status: offline

It'd be nice more submissive men were seeking such things instead of a quick fix for their kinks...

(in reply to Sofifine)

Post #: 5

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 3:53:35 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako

It'd be nice more submissive men were seeking such things instead of a quick fix for their kinks...

Thank you for cheering me up with that comment. It implies that women aren't all looking for a quick fix for their kinks, either

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 6

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 4:00:46 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Do I need to broaden my focus, or narrow it?

I don't think anyone can answer that----you will get the myriad of responses that says get out, go to munches etc etc--then you will get those that swear local scenes are a waste of time. Before you can decide what water you nee to fish in, you need to decide what fish you are looking for and more importantly what YOU want, desire, won't tolerate etc. then start looking. Just because we all seem to share a common interest does not mean its shooting fish in a barrel--it takes just as much effort, patience, communication and dilgence as it does "out there".

quote:

What is it you ladies are looking for -- a potential husband who happens to be submissive, an obedient slave, or just a bottom to beat?

Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes----there are as many variations to what we seek as patterns to a snowflake. I for one am not seeking a bottom to beat nor a husband, I am seeking an obedient submissive life partner (well I WAS as I have a sub in training at the moment).

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 7

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 4:28:24 AM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

pinnipedster wrote:
Some people on this site are looking for a Mistress (or Master), Owner, slave, submissive, pet, whatever. The site seems to me mainly oriented towards that.

Perhaps because I'm not entirely sure if I'm a "real" submissive, or just a bottom, or something in between, that's not really quite what I'm looking for. What I'd like to find, ideally, is a girlfriend/mate/potential partner/spouse, who happens to be kinky and at least dominant-leaning.[...]

It's a smooth scale from vanilla partners, through partners who occasionally do kinky things in the bedroom, though partners where one calls the other Mistress or Master, through Dom/mes and subs who occasionally do vanilla things, through 24/7 chained-up-in-the-basement things that probably don't exist, in reality. Everyone gets to pick where they want to be on that scale and I see profiles on here looking for most parts of it, except the very vanilla-est end that you've already said isn't your niche.

My own relationship flows very smoothly between kinky things and more vanilla things. We're not together much because we live on different continents but, when we are together, Imajican is my Mistress all the time, in the sense that the rights I have given her over me don't stop when we leave the bedroom. I tend to wear my collar all the time when we're in the house. But that doesn't mean that she spends the whole day whipping me and telling me what to do; for much of the day, we're just an ordinary loving couple, doing the ordinary loving-couple stuff. Sometimes she makes breakfast for me; sometimes she sends me off to make breakfast for her; sometimes we wander over to the kitchen together. (*sigh* Now I'm missing her.) The sexual aspects of our relationship are entirely D/s oriented but that doesn't mean we always do massively kinky things: just that she's always in charge.

Now the bad news. We didn't meet here. On the other hand, we both have accounts here and my (possibly faulty) memory is that I had an account that I'd not used for a while and then Imajican mentioned the site to me after we'd been together for a couple of months. So I suppose we could have met here in an alternative universe that wasn't so very different from this one.

So, rambling aside, the kind of Domme you're looking for definitely exists. Get out there and find her!

beeble

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 8

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 5:49:37 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Greetings Pinnipedster

Kind of sad here to notice that you're going through another spell of introspection, reflection, brought on by...? Loneliness? Frustration? You know we all have those times, and I can try and connect here to see if there's something that I can come out with that you're either seeking or which makes you feel better.

You know I remember when you first started posting here.. and you still ain't changed that photo have you for a smiling one..? But you didn't need to. But you know we're a hundred or so more posts from you, you're here with much better thoughts than when you started, made quite a bit of progress, and part of me is sitting here wishing I could just go down the gas station and buy a magic wand so you can meet 'her'.. just for no other reason than to see you for once truly happy, fulfilled, and... smiling.

But it's like that song, you know 'Wishing on a star'.. real life asin't like that, and besides far be it for someone like me or anyone else to wish you anything more than the above, because you're doing okay all on your own.

But you need to get rid of the emphasis on roles, but you need someone for your soul - someone who's into you Pinnipedster, not because you're submissive, not because you're kinky, not because you're anyone other than Pinnipedster, and you need to find that woman, not a domme, not a dominant woman, not a kinky woman, but just a woman with whom you can be yourself, and with whom together you can be the same - human beings being together and sharing together this exasperating but wonderful experience known as life.

But changing your focus isn't enough, and you don't want to end up as Square Eyes, where you become convinced that anything and everything in life comes to you through that plastic box you're currently staring at to read these words. There's a whole new world out there.. The technology shouldn't be replacing that real world experience, but making it much more accessible to you.

I've also searched for a domme, but as a life partner.. and my search took in over the years almost all of Europe, from Alma Ata and Tomsk in the East, to Ireland in the West, as far south as Greece and Itay and as far north as Iceland and Sweden.. When I felt there was nobody, I started to include Canada and the States. I've done half the Trans-Siberian railway trying to find someone. Now that I've found someone, it's my dream to cross the Atlantic, make it up to Alaska at some point, walk across the frozen Bering Strait, and make my way to Vladivostok to spend weeks on a train doing the whole Trans-Siberian railway from east to west, change in Moscow onto a train from Kazachstan to Poland, and arrive in Warsaw Central staion to say that I've been all the way round the world.

I've met dommes, doms, male suibmissives, female submissives, served a couple, and done all the kink and fetish stuff, I've submitted in at least three major European languages, and all these experiences were wonderful experiences and I met so many people. And what do you know?

Seems like one of the dommes I met from years back wants to be my life partner. She gets to London at the weekend. We just spent three years in a friendship, off and on, across distances, countries, borders, she isn't even online, I've been writing letters and exchanging text messages with her. We're meeting this weekend and neither of us can remember what we look like, and I've changed. A lot in three years. But you know we'll find each other.

Now (no laughs please folks) Ala (her name, I don't use Mistress, Goddess, Miss, or some other title) said a few months back that she wanted me as a collared slave. But this doesn't mean 24/7 BDSM, and as much as she can try for 24/7 M/s she probably won't get it, as I'm too much of a free spirit but then again if others can do it so can I. We can but try.

I'm going through my apartment attaching Post It notes onto anything and everything, labelling them in English so she can learn English (we communicate exclusively in Polish, our only common language), the necessities of life are going to be occupying us for the next year or two, she's got six UMs, the youngest in their late teens, and so we've got two homes..

She's coming into the theatre as she's been unemployed as a divorced single mother in an area of Poland with 60% unemployment. I haven't got a clue what's going to happen, and I'm not worried, as I know it will be fun and interesting whatever it is. At the end of the week she leaves the life she has known and travels to the Great Unknown in London to start a new life with me. Now I don't care what anyone says, in her shoes that takes guts and courage.

But this isn't about having a dream, anyone can have a dream. Anyone can have hope. But here we're talking about living a life on the basis of our hopes and dreams, and that is *our* lifestyle.

There's a lot of activity here right now, Christmas has been sacrificed on my part for the sake of a better 2009, on her side it's bittersweet as she's saying goodbye. I guess I should be overjoyed and thrilled and excited and all that but I'm not, if there's any overwhelming emotion I'm feeling right now it's one of gratitude and thankfulness towards her teenage daughters for agreeing to their mother spending a lot of time in London. I'm fully focussed on getting everything in place ready for when she gets here. Right now the last thing on my mind is D/s and kink and domination.

She's taken away the original reason for my having a profile on this site, but you know none of this would have been possible had I not been on the site, had I not found so much support, acceptance, understanding and friendship among so many people here.

I guess what I'm trying to say is take care of the friendships, just focus on being a friend and forming friendships, being there, out there for people, show them who you really are inside, an not only will you show yourself to be human, but the relationships, kinks, Mistresses, and all the beautiful things you're wishing and hoping for will come to you.

Believe in yourself, believe in your dreams, your goals, your life, work with other people towards those goals and dreams, and sooner or later they will become reality.

Happy Holidays

Be well

stella.

_____________________________

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(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 9

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 11:19:09 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

~FR~

It seems you have a good idea of what you want in the long run (i.e. a relationship) and are flexible enough to recognize it when you find it. Keep that.

The only thing I would suggest is that you make some effort to decide how submissive you want to be. You say you don't know if you're a "real" sub or not. I'd suggest you try to figure that out before you get into a relationship. If you're a bottom, you will not be happy with a dominant woman who wants a sub/slave. I say this after experiencing such a relationship. He did not want to be submissive, he wanted a top to indulge his masochism. I wanted a slave and he is most definitely not one. We made each other miserable and subsequently divorced. Extending that logic, if your heart's desire is to be a sub/slave, you won't be happy with someone who just likes to top in the bedroom from time to time.

Figuring it out will require a lot of thought and soul-searching on your part. You might want to pick up a copy of Training With Miss Abernathy to help you in that process. It's designed as a training program for "erotic slaves" but can be done without a dominant. There are some wonderful exercises that will aid your journey of self-discovery. I think it's wonderful you want something that isn't necessarily quick and disposable and only serves to satisfy your fetishes. Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
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"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 10

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 1:35:38 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

Just a quick note to thank people for their thoughts, and encourage folks to offer more. Also, just to note in case there was any false impression: I'm aware that a full-time D/s relationship doesn't mean one partner is chained up or being whipped all the time. In some cases, I would imagine that 90+% of the time, a casual observer wouldn't notice any difference between such a relationship and a more vanilla one; the difference wouldn't be about collars and fetish wear and foot-kissing (though all those might play a part at times), but just about who is making the decisions and defining the responsibilities. Even there, I'm sure that most Dominants don't really want to make every decision for their sub, and appreciate hearing opinions, and sometimes defer to the sub's preference -- but would always retain a veto power, so to speak.

I'm not sure that a relationship exactly like that would work for me either -- it would greatly depend on the person and how we worked our way into it -- but I think it's a much more realistic sort of picture.

One phrase I've used occasionally is that I would like to meet someone for whom BDSM is "more than a game, but less than a lifestyle." I think I'd want something that went beyond just being occasional sexual play, but not something that defined the entire relationship, either.

OK, so it wasn't THAT quick a note... :)

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 11

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 1:40:55 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako
It'd be nice more submissive men were seeking such things instead of a quick fix for their kinks...

Well, mind you, I'm not OPPOSED to finding a quick fix for my kinks. :) If some reasonably-local lady thinks that our kinks mesh well enough that we can have some casual fun together now and then even though we're not suited for one another in a more long-term or well-rounded relationship, I would be open to that. But it's not the ultimate goal.

(I've particularly wondered if there's someone in the area interested in puppy play, who'd enjoy having me visit now and then for a few hours, perhaps occasionally overnight, just being their big, lazy, affectionate, goofy dog. Another one of those "not sure how you look for that exactly" ideas....)

(in reply to Usako)

Post #: 12

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 1:43:03 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b

You know I remember when you first started posting here.. and you still ain't changed that photo have you for a smiling one..? But you didn't need to.

Actually, that photo is about as close to a smiling one as I ever take. I don't really smile; when I try, it's....well, not good.

Good luck with your own situation!

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 13

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 4:47:49 PM

utopicus

Posts: 97
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

You and I are alike - thank you for bringing up the subject, it's a treat getting opinions on the matter!

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 14

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 5:18:09 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

... I'm aware that a full-time D/s relationship doesn't mean one partner is chained up or being whipped all the time. In some cases, I would imagine that 90+% of the time, a casual observer wouldn't notice any difference between such a relationship and a more vanilla one; the difference wouldn't be about collars and fetish wear and foot-kissing (though all those might play a part at times), but just about who is making the decisions and defining the responsibilities. Even there, I'm sure that most Dominants don't really want to make every decision for their sub, and appreciate hearing opinions, and sometimes defer to the sub's preference -- but would always retain a veto power, so to speak ...

One phrase I've used occasionally is that I would like to meet someone for whom BDSM is "more than a game, but less than a lifestyle." I think I'd want something that went beyond just being occasional sexual play, but not something that defined the entire relationship, either.

For what it's worth, your description is very apt for my own relationship with my submissive. I suspect that it's a common pattern in long-term D/s partnerships, if only because most of us just don't have the energy to rule or to be ruled 24/7.

Don't stress over whether you're a sub or a slave or a garden variety fetishist. Which of these you are depends on the day of the week and phase of the moon. It also will depend largely on your partner, whoever she may be, and how the two of you mesh.

Also remember that relationships change over time, just like the people in them. My sub, who long has sworn that he wants nothing to do with 24/7, surprised me recently by asking to be punished for a bit of quotidian jackassery of a type easily observable in any large grocery store on a Saturday afternoon.

If you use common sense, and if you hold out for a partner with whom you are significantly compatible beyond BDSM, it's very likely that you'll end up with more or less the kind of relationship you seem to be describing. Be patient. It really doesn't take forever; it just seems to.

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 15

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 7:12:29 PM

GigglingGoddess

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/14/2008
Status: offline

First, random dorky question: do you like walruses and sea lions, etc? It seems unlikely that you'd pick a name so similar to pinnipedia just randomly.

Anyway, I suppose I'm not a relationship expert, seeing as this is my first long term one. But I guess I'd just like to keep the hope alive that something could just fall into your lap. It happened to me. My boyfriend and I just clicked on a personality level and it took off from there, growing into a loving D/s relationship. He was the kinky one to begin with and I was little miss innocent, but I kept joking about handcuffs and stuff, so he was intrigued and decided to pursue the relationship. I took to femdom, and over a year later we're happy as can be. But it was just plain old personalities clicking to begin with. So maybe that's what you should try for if you're ultimately looking for something long term. Fetish compatibility only brings short term pleasure if your other aspects don't match. If you find you're clicking with someone, you might try dropping little hints about bdsm to gauge her reaction. People who haven't given it much thought can be introduced to kink, but obviously don't force it. Some people will always be vanilla, and if you find that's the case, she just might not be the right one. Then again, some people on this site have vanilla partners and have found a way to stay happy. Anyway, don't get discouraged, there's someone, probably multiple people out there for you. And in your search, keep your eyes open because someone could just fall right in your lap.

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 16

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 7:13:37 PM

SimplyIsaac

Posts: 376
Joined: 12/20/2008
Status: offline

Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends. . .

You mean there's a difference?

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 17

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 7:28:38 PM

LPslittleclip

Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline

you've got the right idea just keep exploring by attending the discussions and munches. you don't necessarily need to play at every function just observe and learn. there are many different things in the lifestyle not all will be for you. find the things you like and chat with others who do as well. meet others go to different groups learn new things, mostly keep an open mind. i was looking for a top and found my M'Lady who collared me over a year ago.

(in reply to SimplyIsaac)

Post #: 18

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/23/2008 11:30:22 PM

pinnipedster

Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GigglingGoddess

First, random dorky question: do you like walruses and sea lions, etc? It seems unlikely that you'd pick a name so similar to pinnipedia just randomly.

Actually I would have preferred just "pinniped" but it was taken. (Curse you, whoever you are! :))

I do like seals and sea lions and so on (when I see one of those bumper stickers that says "Only elephants should wear ivory," I can never resist shouting, "WHAT ABOUT WALRUSES??") -- but for some reason I also just like the sound of the word. In fact, I'm fond of a number of words from my old marine biology classes -- porifera and nematode spring to mind...

(in reply to GigglingGoddess)

Post #: 19

RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/24/2008 2:49:55 AM

beeble

Posts: 799
Joined: 5/25/2005
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

pinnipedster wrote:
I'm fond of a number of words from my old marine biology classes -- porifera and nematode spring to mind...

Surewy, a twue sub would named himsewlf after a worm!

beeble

(in reply to pinnipedster)

Post #: 20

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