RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 12/24/2008 12:20:21 PM

slavekal

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Get my book. I am in a great relationship now and have had several in the past. You can preview it and get a paperback or downloadable copy. You won't regret it.

"The Courage to Submit: the guidebook for the submissive male seeking a dominant woman"

http://www.lulu.com/content/5043162

< Message edited by slavekal -- 12/24/2008 12:24:32 PM >

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/1/2009 7:44:09 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

Just sort of general musing here....

Some people on this site are looking for a Mistress (or Master), Owner, slave, submissive, pet, whatever. The site seems to me mainly oriented towards that.

Perhaps because I'm not entirely sure if I'm a "real" submissive, or just a bottom, or something in between, that's not really quite what I'm looking for. What I'd like to find, ideally, is a girlfriend/mate/potential partner/spouse, who happens to be kinky and at least dominant-leaning. I'd want us to have a lot of common interests besides BDSM; I don't think I'd want D/s to define our relationship. On the other hand, I can't imagine maintaining a long-term relationship with a woman who wasn't at least somewhat kinky; partly because I fear I'd be dissatisfied and tempted to stray (even if I never actually did, the temptation would be a problem) and partly because I have trouble understanding why anyone would not want to be kinky anyway. :) I'm pretty flexible on how big a part BDSM would play in the relationship: whether it would just be an occasional special treat in the bedroom, or whether my role in the relationship would clearly be subordinate at all times, or anywhere in between -- at least, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.

I think it's good that you're flexible in your pursuits and are able to know that going into your relationships.

As I've gotten older and more aware of how my personality and D/s interact, I've come to the conclusion that it's something I need to be inherent in my relationship. I've been in long term relationships with 'kinky girlfriends' and it's just not for me, I need something more. Sadly for me, it's a lot harder to find a 'ready made' dominant woman than it is to find a kinky girlfriend. Unfortunately, it's just not something I'm flexible about at this point in my life at this point.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/1/2009 8:39:23 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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pinnipedster, I think a lot of people are in situations similar to yours. They're just afraid to admit it publicly, because it seems that the vast majority of dominant women on the site say that they want "true submissive", or something of the sort. If you don't appear to be a card-carrying member of the submissives union, you don't qualify for even the slightest consideration from them, so the pool of possible partners gets pretty small.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/2/2009 1:21:38 AM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
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It sounds like you know what you are looking for.Put it in your profile and join a local play space or attend a munch.I know a few Dominants that have found their sub at a munch.

< Message edited by BondageBarbieX -- 1/2/2009 1:22:02 AM >

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/2/2009 2:01:27 PM

lateralist1

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Joined: 11/22/2006
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First of all I am going to be pedantic and complain about the lack of distinction between D/s and BDSM.
There are lots of vanilla D/s couples.
Do you want to be dominated in your relationship or do you want to be played with?
Sounds to me that you are more interested in BDSM 'play' rather than by being disciplined by a dominant person.
I agree with the advice given that when you find the right person then your needs will become more clear. Submissive feelings are engendered in some people by a particular person even if they have never thought of themselves as submissive at all.
However if you have no intention of being submissive to anyone then do say so on your profile.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/2/2009 2:43:54 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster
I'm pretty flexible on how big a part BDSM would play in the relationship: whether it would just be an occasional special treat in the bedroom, or whether my role in the relationship would clearly be subordinate at all times, or anywhere in between -- at least, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.

I sense the distinction the OP seeks to make is not between D/s and BDSM or between being a bottom and a submissive, but between romantic D/s and non-romantic D/s.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/2/2009 3:59:31 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster
I'm pretty flexible on how big a part BDSM would play in the relationship: whether it would just be an occasional special treat in the bedroom, or whether my role in the relationship would clearly be subordinate at all times, or anywhere in between -- at least, I'm open to a wide range of possibilities.

I sense the distinction the OP seeks to make is not between D/s and BDSM or between being a bottom and a submissive, but between romantic D/s and non-romantic D/s.

Cheers,

Sea

This was my take too. Maybe its the romantic side in me shining through.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/2/2009 4:26:51 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pinnipedster

Some people on this site are looking for a Mistress (or Master), Owner, slave, submissive, pet, whatever. The site seems to me mainly oriented towards that.

Perhaps because I'm not entirely sure if I'm a "real" submissive, or just a bottom, or something in between, that's not really quite what I'm looking for.

This just may be something you'll have to learn with some experience, and trust me, it can be a very very enjoyable lesson to learn!

Dabbling to see what pushes your yummy buttons is so much fun! Just make sure anyone who dabbles with you knows you're in the process of finding yourself and where you fit within the dynamic. Its important to be fair with them that way so they know what's going on with you internally.

quote:

... realizing the odds are against finding such a person out of the blue, and having spent far too much of my life fantasizing rather than doing, I am also very open to finding play partners in the meantime -- again, with a lot of flexibility in terms of how exactly that would work.

Is it realistic to look for that sort of thing?

I think so, yes.

quote:

...Beyond "Someone who actually wants me," I don't really have a clear vision of who it is I'm looking for...

I think you actually do have a pretty good idea. You said: What I'd like to find, ideally, is a girlfriend/mate/potential partner/spouse, who happens to be kinky and at least dominant-leaning. I'd want us to have a lot of common interests besides BDSM; I don't think I'd want D/s to define our relationship. It seems to me you'd want to search for someone with those goals as well. Then, when you get a bite, you two come together and see if you can meet each others' wants and needs.

Also, avoiding the tendency to over-complicate the search with too much superficial stuff is wise, in my opinion.

quote:

What is it you ladies are looking for -- a potential husband who happens to be submissive, an obedient slave, or just a bottom to beat?

I think you'll find the women here and everywhere else have widely varying tastes, so its not really a fair question. I think the important thing is to find someone with whom you share mutual chemistry and basic relationship goals.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/3/2009 10:08:31 AM

lateralist1

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I understand about the romantic side of D/s and again it's important to make that clear on one's profile. I use the terminology of a submissive lover who is interested in BDSM. Problem is that people get the idea that I am only interested in sex lol.
D/s is a relationship model for me. BDSM is part of that relationship. Maybe only a small part. Whereas for some people BDSM is the beginning and the end of the relationship. However as most of us will probably know by experence it's easy to pretend an interest in a D/s vanilla plus BDSM relationship when all you really want is the BDSM. Or an interest in BDSM when all you really want is a D/s relationship.
I just ask for clarity on profiles that's all. As I have sited before I talked to a sub for weeks before I found out that all he wanted was to take me dancing. Communication has to be the key and where better to start than your profile.

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/3/2009 7:12:05 PM

IamShe

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IMHO - If you'd be 'tempted to stray' you would stray whether your significant other is into BDSM or not.

I am She

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RE: Mistresses vs. Dominant Girlfriends - 1/4/2009 4:56:49 PM

Trampledblue

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Joined: 12/25/2008
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I'm in the same boat man, I rather have a long-term loving relationship and all, the whole dominant girlfriend...elements of both BDSM and vanilla are great. I'm happy with quick fixes at the moment as well, but I know that isn't what I really want as far as long-term. The problem is a lot of people are just trying to do the online thing or sell their self on cam or ask for "true 100% submission" give me a break...it is usually just about money or some scam. Good luck.

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