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RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 4:59:21 PM

AquaticSub

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~Fast Reply~

Withdrawing communication *can* be an effective tool, such as kyra mentioned. But I think the terms have to be very clearly laid out and I don't really feel it works until one is already in a committed relationship. Given how early in the process this is, I'd be wondering if he was married as well.

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Post #: 21

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 5:01:09 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

I have things sort of arranged in order of priority. First comes established contact and communication, then comes some sort of established relationship, and then, and only then, some sort of established dynamic. Any dominant trying to establish a dynamic with me prior to establishing either ground rules for contact or a relationship very quickly discovers how non-submissive I can be.

The big giveaway here for me is that he was mad when you touched upon erm.. a rather sensitive subject. Unless there's something you're not revealing to us, my take on this is quite clear, you're treating him as a priority, and he's simply pissing you about. Any dominant worth their salt would be treating you differently, and being a dominant doesn't excuse you from the fact that you also have to play fair and square in a relationship.

If he wants to punish you and teach you a lesson then let him first come up with a relationship that you're both happy. From what I can see there's problems with communication, there isn't an established relationship you're both happy with and therefore I don't see any reason for any sort of dynamic or punishment.

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Post #: 22

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 5:05:16 PM

oSinfullySweeto

Posts: 11
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

As a dominant, I would want to know if my sub was having emotional or stress-related issues. I wouldn't get angry if she called, even if the timing was inconvenient. I might say I needed to return the call at another time, but I would make sure she understood I wasn't blowing her off. Quite the opposite; she deserves my undivided attention. I'd also tell her if I was going to be unavailable for some reason, what that reason is (work, family, etc.), and for how long. Even then, she'd still have contact info in case of an urgent situation.

I don't know all the details of your relationship, but something doesn't add up here. Cursing at you was inappropriate no matter what the situation. Assuming you haven't left out a sizable chunk of vital info, in your place, I would walk.

The words expressed above are perfect. Communication is key and essential for any relationship to remain healthy and to grow. My Master is a high-profile businessman, he is married, has a family and with the extremely heavy and hectic schedule, I am always important and never shut out of his life at any time. (this includes when he travels out of town and country) He always wants to know my thoughts, my wishes and we are fortunate we can converse with each other anytime the desire is there. If for any reason he is unavailable to answer my phone call, my email or my text immediately – within moments he makes the time. Again, all that he does for me is greatly reciprocated! There is much love and respect shared between us. From day one, honesty is paramount, we do not have tolerance for mind games, lying or disrespect.

The situation you have encountered has set off alarm bells, any Dominant or submissive will share with you that communication is key. I would seriously re-evaluate the relationship. I don’t feel you were asking for much, a simple text during the holidays would have gone a long way. A short phone call to let you know you were in his thoughts would have brightened your day!! Ask the questions you need to feel resolve and if it the answers are not what you need, you will have your answer.

Follow your heart and trust your instincts.... only you know what is best for you! Best of Luck!

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(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 23

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 5:23:24 PM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

shit a brick! Even if he IS married, he could have at least found the 30 seconds to send you a quick "Merry Christmas", or something. Seriously now, that's just being a flat out prick! I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second.

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Post #: 24

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 5:48:28 PM

Roselaure

Posts: 672
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline

It wouldn't work for me. The anger and cursing would be problematic as well. It doesn't seem, from your post, to be working for you either. I'd recommend you email him at the appointed time, lay it all out politely and see what he says. Why commit to someone you don't click with?

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(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 25

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 7:07:02 PM

scarlethiney

Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline

I haven't read the other posts but in my opinion "his" attitude seems unnecessarily nasty. I see nothing wrong with what you suggested or how you suggested it. He seems immature and impatient and lacking in relationship skills. Perhaps you might want to step back and evaluate this relationship for what it is giving you and what is lacking. Decide if you would be better served with someone who has more patience and who has a sincere interest in your feelings.

Good luck,

scarlet

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(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 26

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/27/2008 7:21:05 PM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
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That was the first thing that intuitively came to me in reading what she said. I tend to listen to my intuition.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirMIkeSD

how many times have you meet him in person. Can you call him at anytime or are you given hours when you can call, wondering is he married?

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Post #: 27

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 1:45:33 AM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
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I would walk away from him,respect goes both ways.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 28

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 4:29:09 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I would seriously ditch any dude that got mad at me and then got madder and cursed at me over a very simple question. I would tell him where he could stick his "severe punishment" as well.

Yes I had a dom who used the ignoring and attention withdrawing stuff, and no it never served it's purpose, and now if any one tried that bullshit on me they'd be finding themselves looking for a new potential. The Dom never saw ironically that his actions just bred hurt and resentment, and if he would of just dealt with the issue it would of been done with immediatly, however since he chose to stay away for days and days and let the issue fester it and the behavior he came back to was worse than when he left.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

So...Im looking for some feedback, please. Im recently involved with a Dominant met on this site. Chat/phone progressed to meeting and all was great. Then a serious of work things had him cancel a few times for other meetings and its been a while now since Ive seen him. He doesnt seem to have lost interest - because he acts normal on the phone and text and IM. Well...today I was in a bad mood. I didnt hear from Him on the holidays, I was stressed about uncoming family time and missing him. I attempted to reach out again - asking for a date we could see each other when he got back and...He got mad. I apologized but was trying to upfront that - Im not seeking online./phone, and that meetings and seeing each other was important. He got even madder, cursing at me. Then told me not to call or write til tomorrow - and that he would get in touch. and that i earned a severe punishment for being so negative (and I guess..mentally doubting His intensions...?)

My question is - has the ignoring/cutting off contact been used with others before? does it...serve the goal? or does it just breed hurt? Im trying like hell not to question my Dominant but damn this hurts. Its even worse because I was reaching out, had a bad few days and I guess needed some time/attention and I get the opposite.

Or maybe Im just being an idiot and need to stop whining, go do some homework and just wait til He calls and be done with being snarky.....

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 29

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 4:32:22 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Consistently ignoring my calls would also be a huge red flag, to me personally.

I have been dating Daddy for 3 years and he's never ignored my call. If he didn't pick up there was a very good reason he didn't pick up.

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

[He has never restricted calling, but he very rarely picks up. Text messages are often unanswered. as are emails on CM.

<hides head in hands> When did this get...so hard?

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 30

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 4:35:44 PM

panthersub

Posts: 80
Joined: 5/20/2008
Status: offline

i've had mine do the same thing, not contact type thing. Even when i did send him ims and left a couple voicemails. Yes it hurt me emotionally and mentally, but it was because he was thinking of what type of punishment would be best for me. i accepted the punishment of course, but was hurt. We talked after the punishment and all was well. There is no way i would do what i did again as both him and i both know that without contact of any sort that i get down on myself.

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 31

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 4:43:14 PM

NewlySingle329

Posts: 39
Joined: 9/14/2008
Status: offline

If your gut is telling you that (1) it's childish behavior, and (2) you don't feel it's warranted, then listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong. Also if he is like this in the beginning, I seriously doubt he will improve his communication skills later in the relationship. Trust me, there are many more "fish in the sea". Don't settle for less than you deserve.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2009 to you!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 32

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 4:59:45 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Consistantly ignoring calls, texts and emails, and then ignoring you over the holidays would be WAY more than I would need to send me packing. I would have been hurt and reactive too. His turning it onto you and blaming you for the tone you spoke to him in seems like pretty classic dom-wannabe behavior to me. Something seems fishy here. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is how it seems from the info given.

(in reply to NewlySingle329)

Post #: 33

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 5:09:54 PM

whis31

Posts: 143
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline

the slient treatment doesn't work well with me! i would just walk away and be done with it. Master understands that i need that contact and even if he's not going to be online for our nightly talk he will text me and let me know so that i not be upset and feel like i'm in trouble. Master is now in the middle of the ocean but i was told if there were problems i was to text him right away! so i see red flags for you OP. listen to the gut!

(in reply to NewlySingle329)

Post #: 34

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 5:25:33 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

Do you know his name and where he lives? Maybe you can google him, or if you know his place of work do some sleuth work. The whole not texting on Christmas Day sounds a siren for me.

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Post #: 35

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 6:46:38 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you aren't collared, you haven't agreed that he has the right to punish you then he doesn't. For me this would be a deal breaker. Anyone who I wasn't committed to he assumed it was fine to assume that he owned me would be someone I wouldn't want to commit to.

Not to mention, that it seems as though he's using this as a screen to distract you from not pursuing the fact that what he is willing to give you in a relationship - mainly phone and online - isn't what you signed up for. So since he isn't available to see you and won't tell you why, he will punish you for asking to see him more by refusing to see you, which not coincidentally is what he wanted in the first place.

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Post #: 36

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/28/2008 8:30:09 PM

wideeyedgirl

Posts: 56
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

Thank you E/everyone for the info, insite and...reading my mind. and reading my heart - alot of things I didnt want to admit to. But when reading it from someone else...sometimes its hard to ignore.

Im going to take a few days and just...think on this and if its worth trying to work on, or if I need to go with my gut and find some another Fish.........

Thanks again, I appreciate all the help.

_____________________________

~ " Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou are crunchy and go well with ketchup " ~
My opinions are my own. They do not represent my Owner, or past Trainers unless specifically noted. Flame me only, thanks.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 37

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/29/2008 12:32:45 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

Good idea - and I wish you luck with your deliberations.

I live life with the philosophy 'bad shit happens for good reasons'. If this is the end of this particular relationship, then it's making way for one that is much better...

Be positive, be confident and be good to yourself

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There's nowt so queer as folk

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Post #: 38

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/29/2008 6:14:19 PM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

Good luck and please remember that respect goes both ways an to take this very slow,most Dom's...especially on this site....want to go fast and are desperate to claim a girl.I have weeded though and shot down hundreds and any sub on this site knows that we get hundreds of messages a day.If a prospective Dom treats me bad once during the courtship they are history.

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 39

RE: Cruel...or effective punishment? - 12/29/2008 9:17:23 PM

jstmi

Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline

dear wideeyedgirl
i am so sorry you are hurting and i hope what i say helps - hugss to you

it sucks to be cut off or ignored or told to not contact someone, i have had that happen in the past and it just feels like abandonment - feels awful,... when it happened to me i asked my Dominant for clarity and wondered if we were going to work on this relationship or not.. She became angry with me for almost everything ,, it was terrible so i understand what you are going thru,. i would rather someone was upfront with me and tell me what was wrong but no contact is rediculous - communication is the basis for any relationship ,, there is so much sh** going thru your head when you don't hear from them- are they seeing someone else? are they sick? this is where the argument comes in as to whether it is a Dominants responsibility to make sure their sub is cared for or feels safe,, this falls into that category... i have a very clear picture now in my mind of who and what i need in a relationship,, i am not a doormat and i will not be "settling" for anything less then what i deserve...

i say kick him to the curb ,,, you will be better off believe me ...

good luck
jstmi

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 40

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