ProtagonistLily
Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:
Akasha, you have unearthed a great distinction here. I will get to it below, but first let me say that I asked my Mistress what her definition of "bottoming from the top" was, she said (almost immediately) "When the Dom does what she does in order to please the submissive." In other words, when the sub is determines the decisions for the DOM or when the DOM takes her cues from the sub, than the DOM is bottoming from the top. The control and decision making in the relationship eminates from the sub.
My experience is that Femme Dommes and Male Doms fundementally differ when it comes to Why they do what they do. Femme Dommes who choose to approach WIIWD from a D/s perspective (i.e. relationship/ownership model), in my experience, tend to come from a much more Dom centered place than Male Doms do. Before we need to call the Fire Department for what I just said, let me explain.
Fem Dommes that I know (and I know many) tend to universally take the perspective that all control lies with them, as the Dominant. In my experience they tend to not follow a power exchange model. This is in no way a negative comment. It's just my analysis after fairly extensive research. The Fem Dommes call all the shots, and the male or female subs are charged with the responsibility of carrying out the Fem Domme's desires. Negotiation is much rarer in these types of relationships. However, that does not mean that these relationships aren't or can't be extreamly loving and solid and healthy for all involved.
Contrary to that, I have found that the Male Doms are more willing to incorporate the wants/needs/desires of their partner/s than Fem Dommes. My experience has been there's more negotiation, and Male Doms will at times incorporate those wants/needs/desires into what they are doing.
Again, this is my perspective and I'm certainly not saying that it's the ONLY perspective.
So, when Sir asks me what I feel like doing after he ties me down and I tell him, am I topping from the bottom? What if it's exciting for him to have me give him ideas so that we can have a mutually enjoyable time? Am I topping him from the bottom? Is he really a sub in Dom clothing? (He'd absolutely shit if he heard me say that LOL)
What I've found in my time in BDSM is that there are no hard and fast rules. For those of us in relationships, even those of us in 24/7 relationships, unless you are incredibly rich, "all BDSM all the time" is almost unheard of. Everyone I know who owns or is owned still has to go to function both seperately and as a couple in the Vanilla world. And because of this, sometimes the lines of demarkation where power exchange is concerned, can get a little muddy.
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But back to your distinction, my Mistress feels that "forced" domination is really, for the most part, male projection fantasy. For instance, my Mistress does not want or take satisfaction in forcing me to do anything. In fact if she has to be forcing, she's turned off. What she likes is submission, which is enthusiastic, proactive, and involved in what she desires to do. In other words, she likes me to respond to her direction. If I were begrudging, it would just turn the whole dynamic into a tug of war as opposed to a unifying dialectic.
Ah well, as Male projection fantasies go, I'm not ademently opposed to them I guess ~grin~. There have been times that Sir has wanted to do something and I haven't necessarily been into it, that I've not only submitted to his will, I've done so enthusiastically. For me, it goes beyond the task, event or activity. I am much more intersted in pleasing him and making him happy than I am being the buzz kill and bitching about what ever he's looking to do. But with that said, he knows that although I have few limits, the ones I have are just that and he doesn't mess with them. Interestingly enough, though we have few problems, and I tend not to 'act up' to much, the times we do have an issue (yes, I know it's goign to be difficult to believe but I do get whiny sometimes) it's during vanilla activities. Sometimes I just don't want to spend all afternoon at the mall. Sometimes I just don't want to do a vanilla activities that he loves. Many times I bite the bullet, but I have been known to have a small but contained tantrum.
I was thinking a little bit about submission today. It occured to me various fantasies that I have about my Mistress.
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1) My Mistress gets sick, and I get to take care of her. I would love this role --- making the food, taking her temperature, et. al.
Sir was sick for a week about a month ago and kept me away from him. I too had the desire to take care of him and all he wanted was to sleep. So much for my fantasy ~grin~
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2) Mistress if hungary. I love to feed her something she loves to eat. If she enjoys it, I'm in heaven.
We spend most of our time at his place and he arranges our meals either by popping something into the microwave or calling for take out/delivery.
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3) Mistress has had a bad day. I try to cheer her up.
Sometimes when Sir's had a bad day, he doesn't want to talk about it and makes that clear.
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You get the picture. If there was a "shit, I've got to do that" element to these equations ---- if someone had to force me to take care of her ---- well, that doesn't strike me as too submissive at all.
Yeah, but conversely my point is that although we might have these 'service' fantasies, bottom line is they control whether we get them or not ~grin~
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As for me, my submission's wellspring to my Mistress is my belief in her. When I'm "there," for her, its where I want to be and its where she wants me to be.
ditto that last statement, with a capital D.
Lily
_____________________________
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~
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RE: Bottoming from the Top - 
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