quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I disagree marie. 

Thinking about, and revisiting situations that were unpleasant seems to be the only way to apply how you think and feel NOW. It gives you the chance to re-assess what you *thought and felt at the time* and look at ways you'd do things differently.

Your idea of re-living something possibly is other's idea of thinking it through and gaining a different perspective on it.

What is the process of healing in your view?

agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I disagree marie. 

Thinking about, and revisiting situations that were unpleasant seems to be the only way to apply how you think and feel NOW. It gives you the chance to re-assess what you *thought and felt at the time* and look at ways you'd do things differently.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I am wondering what you all think about love or nurturing during the healing process.

I do think that fear is what helps keep someone stuck and have written about that a lot.  If you are afraid it makes everything more severe.  When I was attacked I was never afraid.  I was mad!  They could not take me down with less than five.  Not once.  I think knowing that kept me stronger and not afraid.  It was like a battle of wills and phsyical and smart moves.  Having that I think helped me not think like a victim.  I was in a sense being matter of fact about it and how they were able to out man me.

In the mental or emotional stuff... I found harder to combat in a sense when it came to family members or like in the domestic abuse situation I was in, I could not fight him.  I could not turn on the beast that would become pure animal and would defend unto death if need be.  I do believe that now I could, but back then I couldn't.

Just tossing some thoughts out there to see how you all think on some of this.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

For ME, healing is the process of getting to the point that you can look back without becoming emotionally distraught about it.

To get to the point of accepting that you either A.) may have shared some small responsibility in what happened to you, either through ignorance, immaturity or whatever without some form of denial. and B.) accept that the abuser may have been just as abused and damaged, if not more so. And to forgive, maybe even have some empathy for whatever hell lead them to that place.

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm eternally thankful to have been able to discuss and talk about these things with my Mum...far from re-living it, we found a new way of seeing it and it's brought us a lot of deep felt contentment.

agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

That was a really interesting post Kim, and something I often think about.

You mentioned about the idea of your past SO's using your fears to control you...I'm not SURE but you were motivated by  * Mum didn't break me, and nor will you*? I don't want to get hold of the wrong end of the stick or assume anything.

I fumbled the words.
 
I was trying to say that my past SO’s were unable to use my fears to control me. That there actions were not to a degree that I would relate fear to them. The reason being, my mother had failed to convince me to do so, (and she was ten times more frightening then they could ever think of being *grins*), then they weren’t going to convince me to do so.
 
And yes, I knew I could leave if I really needed to. I was just extremely stubborn in a, ‘I can make this work’, sense, as well.
 
Kim

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I disagree marie. 

Thinking about, and revisiting situations that were unpleasant seems to be the only way to apply how you think and feel NOW. It gives you the chance to re-assess what you *thought and felt at the time* and look at ways you'd do things differently.

Your idea of re-living something possibly is other's idea of thinking it through and gaining a different perspective on it.

What is the process of healing in your view?

agirl

If I've lived through something painful, I've already learned all I'm going to learn while I was going through the experience.   I don't believe healing is a process unless you make it such.  I dont think I have to recount something to compare it to how I feel now. 

Talking about things does in fact conjur up old feelings. At least it does for me.   If I re-count a story  about something funny my kid did when she 2, I'll find myself smiling and feeling joyful.   If I talk about my father's death, I'll find myself feeling sorrowful and crying.  These are examples given only to support the fact that when we talk about things that were emotional experiences, we tend to feel those emotions all over again, at least to SOME extent.  In some cases that even comforts a person because it's familiar; it reminds them of what they know, instead of the more scary option which is to become something new. 

As far as past "abuses", I would have to disagree that talking about things necessarily has to be part of someone's healing.  I really don't believe it does.  I don't need to compare it to who I am today.  I believe when we focus on the past we bring the past into our present.  That to me, isn't healing.  Healing is when it no longer has to be a part of your thinking process, healing is when it no longer defines who you are and what you're about. 

Sure, our experiences matter, but I don't believe we need to carry them with us for the rest of our lives as some kind of ingredients to the "recipe" of who we are.  I believe that people often hold onto shit because it makes them feel safer and more secure..."its part of who I am, afterall, it's what makes me me".  Maybe they'll lose their identity as they know it if they let shit go.  I don't know.  Doesn't work for me.  I'm healed from things because I choose for unpleasantries to no longer be necessary to my make-up.   It's a choice like anything else in life.  Do I want to live in pain?  Or do I want to let go of shit that used to cause me pain?  If you got clunked on the head and woke up with amnesia, who would you be?  How would you create yourself?  I don't believe we have to be the sum of our ALL of our experiences, I believe we can choose to eliminate unpleasant thoughts from the past, and you don't eliminate by conjuring it all up over and over again. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: cpK69

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm eternally thankful to have been able to discuss and talk about these things with my Mum...far from re-living it, we found a new way of seeing it and it's brought us a lot of deep felt contentment.

agirl

I'm not sure how that would work for me. (happy for you though) My mom really isn't that different a person. She still doesn't see her parenting as inexcess. She just doesn't have three kids weighing her down anymore.
 
Kim

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aszhrae

After my mistress read the thread: 'If it isn't your thing--so what?' that I managed to hijack with my own personal pain. She then read the thread concerning 'Subtle Abuse' and having just finished reading this thread.
Mistress hugged me and apologized.
Mistress told me that her initial motivation to having me here as her pet was to help me to heal. She could not understand how I managed to hide the pain all this time. I didn't, that there were many times that I was hurting, but they were pushed to the side because mistress' needs came first. Then it was master's needs came next. It really did not give much opportunity to heal the wounds caused by the abuse of others and the assaults suffered at the hands of total strangers.
Mistress has now implied that I am to be left alone by master. She has just told master that I will no longer be available to labor for him. However this greatly affects my allowance since laboring for master did supplement my allowance.
Mistress has retired to her room and will not speak to me.
Can only continue with my chores and wait until mistress feels like talking to me again.
I am really feeling alone at the moment.
Feeling as though .....

quote:

“If my mother couldn’t break me, no one else was going to either.”

quote:

This one line sums my attitude up towards things like this for me. When I was a child, early on I had this spirit without the abuse attached,