RE: Deeply Troubled (Full Version)

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IrishMist -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:10:21 AM)

Edited to add: Fast reply [8D]

I am going to repeat something that TheDark often says…..I don’t hand out advice, I can only respond from a personal perspective on how I would handle such a situation. It’s then up to the individual to decide how or if it could help them.
I have never been in the precise situation that the op mentions. I DO however, know what it’s like to have everything suddenly taken away. I know what it’s like to be left feeling as if you are hanging in ‘limbo’ waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know what it feels like to look around myself and want to do nothing but curl into a ball and hide until the pain goes away.

I spent a year like that. It took me a year after my husband died before I could even think clearly about what I was doing to myself. And then it took another two years before I could stand on my own feet without falling back down at the mere thought of my life without him.

The only thing that pulled me out was the reality of the fact that I was now responsible for 4 youngins who had also just lost their anchor in the world. I had no choice. I had to be strong, I had to pull myself together, I had to reach past the selfishness of my own wants and focus instead on theirs. They had lost one parent, I would not let them lose another without a fight.

Hardships in life are expected. I find it amusing, now, that we can go through life and not expect to run into a stone wall on occasion; or to fall off a cliff and have to claw our way back to the top. It’s usually at the lowest times in our life that we realize just how strong we actually are. The only way to find out though is to make the decision to fight. Don’t just accept what is happening; fight and demand something better.

Yes the world is harsh. Yes, you are going to get hurt sooner or later. Yes, things will not always go your way.
So what. Tell the world to fuck off; get on your feet; straighten your spine; and flip it the bird.
And then go out there and show the world that you can be stronger, that you can be smarter, and that you do deserve to be happier.

I tend to thumb my nose at people who just ‘roll over and play dead’ in life. And I tend to kick those who do nothing but make excuses about how horrible their life is.
If a person asks for help; that’s one thing. But when help is offered and they do nothing but continue to make excuses….as far as I am concerned, they get exactly what they deserve.



Lockit -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:11:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

I suggest that you adjust your view a bit. If the people here (male and female) truly didn't give a shit about you, your threads would have exactly zero responses.
I've watched people try to reach out to you, and I've seen you kick them in the teeth because their responses weren't what you wanted to hear. Your situation, frankly, bites the big one- but the only way out, as many have said, is to take the first step.

That said, I'd wager a month's wages that if you find it within yourself to take that step, some of the folks who you consider your harshest critics will be your biggest cheerleaders... think about it.

Wyld


I would like to second this post!  As I said earlier, it didn't matter if we were coming in supportive or tough love, we were met with anger and defense.

I do understand the need to protect yourself in this situation and in life because of what you have been through, but... one must learn to see who is really the enemy and who is not.  Putting yourself out here where you know an enemy might be... kind of conflicts with that protective feeling you might have and some would question things.  If you are that protective of yourself you wouldn't put yourself out there.  Except there are other emotions and such at work here.  At the same time that you are protecting yourself, you feel the need to lash out and stick up for yourself for a lot of things that have been done and are currently being done.  These things are in conflict and you can't be divided in this and stand too well.

Finding a balance at this time is actually most important.  If you can find that balance within the household as things are... I would be amazed, but if you can... do that... balance out and then find a way to get something else going.  I am not saying take nine months to balance out.  The thing that is defeating you the most and from benefiting from even help or finding a mistress here, is your anger, pain and attitude of victim.  You must see that even though many have been hard on you... they are not trying to do anything close to what your actual owners have done and have allowed.

You mentioned in another thread that your mistress read the thread or another thread and realized you were in a lot of pain she didn't know about.  She then protected you and called off the big bad dog male in the household and changed things to protect you.  She then isolated in her room.  If I had done that much damage to someone and finally realized it, I might isolate as well.  I think there may be more to this than you think, if what you said and I perceive is what happened. 

Even abusers can sometimes have a heart and know that they have done wrong at some point.  Seeing your pain may have been an eye opener.

We can only give you idea's or encouragement.  Having tried... and failed, many give up.  Yet there are a core group that will be supportive if they see that something is actually moving forward and not staying in the place you have been in since you started posting.  Some change is taking place... you are starting to move foward.  Please keep it going.

Speaking the truth as has been spoken by many people and in many threads... may be hurtful in some way beause hearing it isn't easy, but I do not believe that all things you have seen as attacks, were.  I will not say none were, because some were.  But no where near how you saw them.

While still being attacked at home and you are, you are going to be struggling with all these conflicts.  Before one can make a move... they must be safe and you are not safe and you do not feel safe and it is right there in your face at all times.  You need a safe house and most would normally suggest a shelter, but a shelter would not work for you unless they work shelters differently in Canada than here in the States.  I am sure that some would be willing to assist in some area's and I know some have offered... I think some just need to see you do something yourself and some foward movement.

I do not hate you.  I may call you on things but it isn't because I hate you.  It is because coddling you will not help you do anything but remain where you are.  Nor will beating you up help you.  You need help and I think if you can calm for a few... consider all that people have said... and that some of us do accept people different than ourselves and we do love and are not heartless dominants with no feeling or emotion whatsoever... you might find a wealth of love, support and information as well as maybe some real help in assisting you in your situation as it truely is.



NuevaVida -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:29:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

Hardships in life are expected. I find it amusing, now, that we can go through life and not expect to run into a stone wall on occasion; or to fall off a cliff and have to claw our way back to the top. It’s usually at the lowest times in our life that we realize just how strong we actually are. The only way to find out though is to make the decision to fight. Don’t just accept what is happening; fight and demand something better.

Yes the world is harsh. Yes, you are going to get hurt sooner or later. Yes, things will not always go your way.
So what. Tell the world to fuck off; get on your feet; straighten your spine; and flip it the bird.
And then go out there and show the world that you can be stronger, that you can be smarter, and that you do deserve to be happier.



This is one of the coolest things I've read here in a long time.  Awesome.



SassySarijane -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:49:51 AM)

*agrees with NuevaVida* That just says it right there IrishMist.



KatyLied -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:52:29 AM)

quote:

Hardships in life are expected. I find it amusing, now, that we can go through life and not expect to run into a stone wall on occasion; or to fall off a cliff and have to claw our way back to the top. It’s usually at the lowest times in our life that we realize just how strong we actually are. The only way to find out though is to make the decision to fight. Don’t just accept what is happening; fight and demand something better.


So true.  No one is garanteed an easy life.  They don't hand it to you in writing.  No promises are made at the time of birth.  You have to sometimes work hard in order to have a good life.  Just because someone doesn't run to the message board commiserating about their life it doesn't mean it's been a walk in the park for them.

Another thing that the OP needs to learn is that other's words do not hurt, it's the way you react to the words that hurt.  You can choose how you react.  You don't get to choose what others say to you.



GreedyTop -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:55:38 AM)

*applauds the past few posts*



BlueEyedSubinDE -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 9:38:37 AM)

Aszhrae,
To be blunt, your situation well it sucks.  And at the risk of sounding cold and uncaring, at this point does it matter any more what caused the situation?  Is it really a productive use of YOUR time?  With only 9 months and all the extra frustrations you have with trying to find a place, do you really have the luxury right now of not using your available time to start solving your situation?   Let's face it, if the economy continues in the direction it's heading, there will be less options for you as more people compete for them.

I'm not trying to tell you how you should or should not feel.  You state repeatedly that you don't know what to do.  Much as it's suggested to someone just entering the lifestyle, have you considered approaching someone who's history you can indentify with and asking them to mentor/guide you through this new direction?  Someone who was without a home, a job and not as employable as they would like and worked through it all?




ALAstella -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 10:03:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlueEyedSubinDE

Much as it's suggested to someone just entering the lifestyle, have you considered approaching someone who's history you can indentify with and asking them to mentor/guide you through this new direction?  Someone who was without a home, a job and not as employable as they would like and worked through it all?



I'm transgendered and have gone through all of the above experiences, but unfortunately I'm not a Mistress.

We can only wait and see what she posts later when she comes here.



beargonewild -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 12:55:31 PM)

I am wondering if the regular bureaucracy isn't willing to help Aszhrae in her city, if she talks to an advocate in the local GLBT community to speak on her behalf? There is also the option of talking to an MP or a local MPP who is gay positive. Sven Robinson is a MP for the province of BC and another recourse is EGALE




Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 2:20:46 PM)

~FR~
Actually, anything that requires help with since I have already been met with bureaucratic reluctance, I just need to consult with my lawyer. Since my own personal identification has come under scrutiny, the lawyer is handling all of the documentation. Any questions having to do with my identity is referred to the lawyer since it is still in the processing stage.
My lawyer, since it was suggested by mistress, is my trump card. Lawyer and the firm he works for has the political connections to assist me when my identity prevents me from getting things done.
Sure I could have done it my self but bureaucracy runs at a near stand-still when it comes to matters of transitioning and transhealth. There will always be prejudice and resentment by others. Even I am guilty of such perceptions towards others but my trust has long since waned just a little over the years.

My transition is long overdue. My lifestyle choice and purpose to serve is the world that I have become accustom. Walking away from it to become independent of it, is not an option. Those that have advised that I do so, obviously have had their independence, enjoyed it and relinquished it in acceptance of their dominant.
So with all things happening to me, it will be a difficult year ahead.
Direction and guidance of mistress has been withdrawn. No longer required to wear a collar or have an escort. However, unless I have a destination, I am not about to go anywhere without an escort when it comes to having anything to do with local community. It is going to be a major trial at the Taboo.
Only allowance that I am currently receiving is through assistance, it would be more but I still reside with the couple here. I have an agreement that my official release comes when Miss here retires. Agreement is an agreement, I will not break it.
Legalities of identification and the clearing of my name of something I did 20 years ago. It is a detail that needs to be done before I get my passport.
Factors of my ongoing transition and surgery. My present situation as stella has pointed out, even my doctor admits, that I am currently in limbo.
Employment counselors have all suggested that I cease my transition process, accept and become employed. Not an option.
However with advice that has been given. I am considering some options.
One option I am considering, may require me to compromise my own morality as it will require that I lie through my teeth. Liars get strapped with wet leather. I still have a fond memory of the first time I lied to Miss as my mistress. Not sure if I could.



beargonewild -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 3:36:04 PM)

Yes I do fully understand the turmoil you are being put through with the bureaucracy you have to deal with Aszhrae. I saw first hand the bullshit my non biological sister went through 10 years ago when she transitioned from M2F. I trust you will be able to do what you believe is the best course of action for yourself. And if it does mean anything, I know Stella offered to be a shoulder for you to lean on, please take her up on that. Stella is highly intelligent and is highly respected here and I also hold a great measure of repsect for her also. Be well Aszhrae.



Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 4:06:23 PM)

In another thread. I know and understand what I need to do in the coming months.
Jewel has suggested that I need a project to help me deal with my pain and I have one that I have put off much too long.
Others have come forward and suggested that I should place my trust in the goddess. So I will. She has never failed me in the past and I doubt she will now.
I have my beliefs and my faith and I will focus on that while I ask the Goddess to help me in seeking the mistress that will accept me for who I am, not suppress my beliefs as master has done and allow me to make my future mistress as focus and investiture of self.
Some here may not agree, but that does not matter to me. What matters to me is my future.
If others perceive me as obsessive or even fanatical, so be it.
Goddess has always been there, just need to have faith and not allow others to infect me with their poison. What others may say to deny me that belief and weaken me, only seek harm and instill doubt. It has worked before and I believe my goddess will do so again.
As others have advised, get off my ass and do something. Fine I am doing something.




came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 4:08:40 PM)

I am trying to empathize.

The government as a rule has the obligation to treat you as a human being, despite gender, race or age.  You have to give them the same respect when it comes to paperwork when it comes to taxpayers giving you income even to survive. 

There comes a time when anyone at any time can be in a situation where they have to wear another hat--so to speak.  Even times when grown women who have had children have to throw on a manly lumber jacket to work in an oilfield or men who have had to dress like a hotdog with a sandwichboard to bring home the bacon.

Sometimes you have to forget the sexuality of anything for a while, forget about being all dreamy of being your idea of the ideal female species and worry about livin'.

Forget about her, them, us, why.  Think about you.  You getting on your feet as a productive human being, asexual, an acorn without a sunny spot....find that sunny spot. Stop, drop n roll...find it!!

After 20 years, no doubt you can apply for a pardon for whatever you did through the RCMP website for free of charge, even after 3 years of your offence (unless you are considered a dangerous offender which is lifelong).

No reason to lie to anyone, you are what you are, you must choose now to be dependant upon your own self, if you cannot do that then how are you even capable of chosing your own sexuality or gender? 
A change of gender has got to be the biggest, bravest decision and action a person could take in this world.  If you can do that (defying God, some might say, defying nature, defying society) how can you assume you are not brave enough to take on your own apartment and buying your own groceries???? 

There are people that think refusing to eat brussel sprouts is the biggest, bravest decision they make in their lifetime.  Think about it.

Defy the odds, you are better than the odds.  Stand up and get a long list for a plan of action and check them off one by one. 

My guess is you will have accomplished your goal of independence by subject 5 on your list.




Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 4:54:19 PM)

quote:

After 20 years, no doubt you can apply for a pardon for whatever you did through the RCMP website for free of charge, even after 3 years of your offence (unless you are considered a dangerous offender which is lifelong).


Already done and its not free. Fingerprinting costs 75$ here in New Westminster, with another 35$ for the RCMP to document your charges. That information took almost 6 months for me to acquire. Which the lawyer now has. Since there still exists individual prejudice even within the bureaucratic machine, when it comes to transhealth issues that machine can become stalled to a halt, it costs 179$ to change your name. I will have to undergo the whole process again after the surgery when I have to change my gender designation. Which is why it was suggested that I have legal representation, since to do what needs to be done in haste as I am trying my damn best to have everything done before October of this year. Name change happened within a few months because an MP became involved which has been brought to my side by my lawyer. All matters concerning my identity are being handled by the lawyer including my pardon. Two misdemeanors keep me from entering the states where interestingly enough is where all my employment opportunities are originating. Vancouver, BC has become somewhat of a deadzone for me concerning employment opportunities as I await surgery.
The assessment I am waiting for, is three professionals that once they meet with me are the ones that will fight on my behalf for funding concerning my surgery. The assessment is something at the back of my thoughts as a concern. Two of the assessors are men.
I will just have to my best over the coming months.
I might also like to add. When I was loaned out, the business associate of master finally became inclined to acknowledge what I was doing, my transitioning, reacted with hostility, always referring to me by the masculine and when I could not function as he expected would call me either useless or hopeless. Eventually it resulted where I just could not function to his expectations and was dismissed as a result. Let me just add that mistress and master were most displeased are often reminding me of my fraility concerning my lost earning potential. This is not an attempt at sympathy but something those here need to understand. I am met with the same reaction when searching for employment. Initial interview goes well, it is the secondary interview that never goes well. People still have their prejudices and personal perceptions that are constant thorn. Many have encountered in similar situations and require time to overcome, but once surgery occurs it changes somewhat.
My only flaw is my hands as they are large, but I have met other women with large hands. Actually met one that was capable of lifting up an engine block. She gets looks from guys as well when she displays just how strong she is. Some men have the prejudice that all women should be weak in strength, frail in body and totally dependent upon them. She told me that some guys perceive her as threat to their machismo. I just thought of her now, Sasha. Such a sweetheart and was always a pleasure to talk too and an inspiration.




thornhappy -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 5:04:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ALAstella
quote:

ORIGINAL: thornhappy

2 suggestions:

1) start earning your own money (you have skills) so you can move.  If you don't have the money to move ask your friends in Ontario if they can loan it. 



Okay, you have here a transgendered female with depression and other issues. Who do you think would be prepared to employ her?

Also how bearing in mind the situation she's in, how is she going to look for work?


I sounded like her mistress was distancing herself, and this sounds like an opportunity to ask to keep income as her own for the next 9 months.  Secondly, I believe she said she was intersexed, not transgender.  And she's worked before for the household.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thornhappy
2) move back to where you support network is (even if you leave with a few garbage bags of belongings and have to take the train or bus) and then take advantage of the help, whether it be from friends or from the government.
quote:

ALAstella
This is assuming that she has a support network left, or even family. What if she isn't 'out' to her family? And if she's in Vancouver and a native of Toronto, how does she get there? From what I can see from the Google map, Vancouver is some distance from Toronto.


I believe she stated that she had one in Toronto, as to getting there, isn't there train or bus available to cross the continent?

quote:

ALAstella
But you know alll this is speculation until the OP rejoins the discussion. She needs to make the choices and decisions, she needs to take the responsibility.

True - all we can do is offer suggestions.




ALAstella -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 5:24:14 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: beargonewild

I am wondering if the regular bureaucracy isn't willing to help Aszhrae in her city, if she talks to an advocate in the local GLBT community to speak on her behalf? There is also the option of talking to an MP or a local MPP who is gay positive. Sven Robinson is a MP for the province of BC and another recourse is EGALE




You know I'm thinking it would be much better if North America (the United States and Canada) fell in line with the United Kingdom in terms of gender reassignment and acknowledged anyone with a clear diagnosis of long term gender dysphoria as being a member of their acquired gender from identification and diagnosis rather than wait until after surgery.

This would help the thousands of transgendered folk who are struggling to transition and I feel that they should be recognized as such legally. It would also help to avoid situations such as the one Aszhrae finds herself in, where she perhaps felt that it would have been much easier for her to enter into domestic enslavement rather than continue independently and have the option of living full time in her acquired gender in addition to having the legal recognition for being of her acquired gender, which would enable her to obtain all the documents and status necessary which would make it easier.

I cannot understand the standpoint of social assistance in Canada, their position that 'you should stop transitioning if you want to be hired' doesn't make any sense to me. First thing is, you do not receive welfare for being transgendered. This sort of logic if followed further could suggest that someone be advised to be less male or female to become more employable, which to me is ridiculous.

One other such aspect of this is the failure to recognize gender dysphoria - the mental condition suffered by the transgendered - for what it is, a mental condition (not an illness) which can only be changed or relieved by going through the gender reassignment process. The line of whoever it was who gave Aszhrae the 'top transitioning' advice is being completely ridiculous, it is to me beyond the pale for someone to even suggest such a thing.

It would be like suggesting a paraplegic ditch the wheelchair and learn to walk to become more employable. This strikes me as wholly unacceptable as advice.

But sadly this is the truth. I spent over two years trying to find employment in the UK, and bear in mind I have a rather rich 8 page CV with varied work experience, and I was prepared to do anything, literally anything - including shovelling shit from one place to another - to get employment. However even if I got a reply from my application it would be something like 'We understand your predictament, but...' or even 'We simply don't have the training to deal with transgendered employees..' Training? WTF? What has being transgendered got to do with my ability to work or hold down a job?

I feel that until gender recognition happens much earlier in North America, there are going to be many more stories like Aszhrae, not to mention those who have o other option than prostitution, pro-domming, and being a sex worker. I'm not saying it's impossible to get employment being transgendered, many transgendered folk do work and live independently, but many more don't and are stuck on welfare or in situations such as Aszhrae.

This is the situation I found myself in over a year ago attempting to visit the United States in Atlanta, where I was declared inadmissible to the United States under Section 217(a) (I) of the Immigration and Nationality Act 'lack of a valid unexpired pasport or travel document' .. my brand new biometric UK passport was female and in my name of Stella and obtained legally under the UK's Gender Recognition Act 2004. However the border guard claimed that in the United States my having a penis meant I was male, not female and as such my passport wasn't valid. This is overlooking the fact that I am a citizen of the United Kingdom not the United States, the passport is a sovereign travel document and the official had no legal authority to remove me from the Visa Waiver Program or deny me entry on such grounds to the United States, where in effect he was denying the sovereignty of the United Kingdom in rejecting my passport as legal proof of identity. My struggle continues with Washington a year later and I'm hoping that in 2009 this will be resolved if not through the granting me of an artistic visa then through diplomatic channels.

Returning to the OP:

quote:



My transition is long overdue. My lifestyle choice and purpose to serve is the world that I have become accustom. Walking away from it to become independent of it, is not an option.



I am in a similar situation here. The thing is Aszh, you cannot serve unless you can find someone to serve. Here you are asking for too much.. you might as well be asking for the Moon.

I am similar to you, I have a constant need to serve and to be guided... However for me this need to serve goes way beyond the confines of BDSM, and I have taken it upon myself and am committed to serving mankind through my work in theatre, my charity work and my activism. This is something which is never going to change in my life.

I haven't had a Mistress to serve in any sort of stable relationship since long before I left Poland. Yes when I did leave Poland earlier in 2004 to enter into service in a BDSM household in the UK it was with the same intention as you probably had, I was looking for support from other people - the one thing you need if you are going through your transition. I found it, or so I thought, in domestic service, I had a room, work, and I was well looked after. However there were two problems, the first was that I wasn't able to start my transition, and the second was a developing conflict between two members of the BDSM household. This BDSM household has since been disbanded and the house has been sold, but fortunately I extricated myself from the situation long before.

But there are other ways you can serve others without being with a Mistress and being a domestic slave. The BDSM community doesn't exist to support the transgendered through their transition, this is not what it's there for, and lumping your gender issues together with your need for submission I feel is one of the root causes of your problems. There are alternatives and your priority at this moment in time is finding a secure place to live where you can continue your transition, some form of income whether it be work or welfare, and access to the Internet. This is the bare basic I feel which is necessary for anyone who is transitioning.

Nobody is asking you Aszh to become permanently independent, nothing needs to be permanent here and most things are unlikely to be permanent in your life. However if you were to compromise and to accept this as a temporary measure until you could find the basic necessities of life you will be able to return to service, being dependent and the BDSM community at a later date.

You are also negating your own position here. You claim to need to complete your transition, and yet you also claim that you cannot be independent - despite not making any attempt - but if you cannot function independently as a person how do you expect to be able to get through your transition? How are you going to manage this if you are unable to function independently as a woman? Yes Aszh, it's hard, I know how hard it is, I'm going through the same process, but what is stronger here? Your desire to be who you really want to be and to get through your transition or maintain your current circumstances? Surely the only way forward in your transition is to try and keep on trying until you gain that acceptance and recognition for who you really are, right?

Just what is important to you, and I mean really important?

You've spent 18 years with your current couple, you've known all through your life that you are transgendered and that you need to transition, what is stopping you from progressing in that transition? The fact that they are turfing you out in nine months' time?

Something has got to give here in order for things to start moving forward. That something has to come from you Aszh, you are going to have to come to some sort of a compromise at some point.



Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 5:29:00 PM)

My choice in lifestyle was enough to be treated unfairly by my family to actual disassociation which did lead to me being with present couple. If I returned, not only would my change be enough for continued disassociation but also would split the family. Those fore and against my decision. My choice in lifestyle has resulted in me cast from my family. Current couple are the only people at one time that I considered as a family, their actions now have placed me in a similar situation that resulted in the split between my self and my first mistress. Returning to Toronto would not be an option and I have more important things to think about where I am now.
A great many members as I can recall stopped attending their churches when their church accepted homosexuals. How do you think they will react to me? I believe I would be worst off than I am now. Homophobes, WASPs, Masons, Anglicans, Presbyterians and Roman Catholics. Such a hornet's nest is best avoided.



came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 5:44:31 PM)

quote:

Already done and its not free. Fingerprinting costs 75$ here in New Westminster, with another 35$ for the RCMP to document your charges. That information took almost 6 months for me to acquire. Which the lawyer now has. Since there still exists individual prejudice even within the bureaucratic machine, when it comes to transhealth issues that machine can become stalled to a halt, it costs 179$ to change your name.


Again, if it was done as you say, you wouldn't still have a record.  Also, social assitance would pay for these costs if you show reasonable ability and availability to eventually chose employment in the future.  If you have already paid for that, too late, no re-embursement. For one, if you have applied and you were rejected after 20 years by the board of pardon...then well, it must have been pretty bad and 2 you broke the law, obviously as an adult since Juvie laws here are lax and all records previous to the age 18 are wiped clean.

If you want to claim disability via gender dysphoria then try to do so, but honestly you must take responsibility for yourself.  Are you an infant? no. Put sexual identity on the backburner, behind water, shelter and food.

quote:

There are alternatives and your priority at this moment in time is finding a secure place to live where you can continue your transition, some form of income whether it be work or welfare, and access to the Internet. This is the bare basic I feel which is necessary for anyone who is transitioning.
 

The reasons that you are using to avoid any responsibility for yourself  are outstandingly annoying and you have to stop displaying dysfunction and anxiety as your one and only true character that people remember you by.

People may be easily amused by the weak, but eventually the weak become what they themselves hate the most.........too simpleminded to be disireable.  Male, female or a lame dog, eventually someone has enough of their snipping and it becomes time to show re-runs of Ol' Yeller.



Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 6:07:00 PM)

One of the situations, to address the employment issue, was in one instant where I was told to go to an open house. The open house was an invitation for construction workers, which mistress suggested. I went in preparation for work, while I was there I was confronted with stares, which is something I am used too. After a few hours of waiting, one of the men there that was doing the interviewing very kindly asked me to leave. The reason he gave me was that it might be in my best interest if I did leave. He was concerned with my well-being since most of the men did make comment about their dislike of having me there. He was kind enough to escort me to the door. Actually he was quite the gentleman by holding the door open for me and actually apologizing for the majority of male reaction towards me.
In another occasion was an interview session where the preliminary interviewer accepted who and what I was, but it was his supervisor that was part of the secondary interviewing process was uncomfortable with me being there. Sitting back when I moved forward to express my interest. He then proceeded to cross his legs and arms. The interview went from bad to worst until I was dismissed as he made the lame excuse that he had to take a call. The button on his phone was not lit and I have very good hearing when he started talking on the phone in response to someone imaginary. He pointed at the door without so much as a second look.
I have been met with such reactions during the interview process and even when my resume has been taken. As my doctor has stated that my current situation may not change until after my surgery, which I consider to be corrective not really gender related since I have always believed my self as being female. Only thing be operated on is a tube. Men have prostates, I don't. I really dislike it when some doctors have referred to me as a genetic anomaly.
I really do wish people would accept me as human being. There is a large majority that never will and they continue to write up and pass policy that discriminates in one form or another.
I should have done what I am doing years ago, but I was so busy doing what others expected of me that my own identity was lost. In some ways the current Miss allowed me to find my identity and she did accept what I am currently doing. Her husband is having a real problem with it since it has started to also effect how his customers perceive him. He is not comfortable with this, not comfortable with me laboring anymore, which is the reason why Miss has told me that I will no longer be required to labor for her husband.
Biggest thing I need to do is find a source of income and concentrate on the process of separation.
One step at a time.



beargonewild -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 6:08:26 PM)

You stated in the previous post: "The assessment I am waiting for, is three professionals that once they meet with me are the ones that will fight on my behalf for funding concerning my surgery. The assessment is something at the back of my thoughts as a concern. Two of the assessors are men." I am aware of your deep distrust of men yet I hope you are able to have some trust that these assessors are honestly working on your behalf. Their only concern is to force the agencies to recognize you as a female in all legal aspects only. Please trust your Goddess keep you from harm. You had mentioned that after you have the surgery, that's when you have to change the gender identification. I am a bit confused on this since my sister had her birth certificate and driver's license changed prior to her having her surgery.

Below is a copy of a piece of writing my non biological sister wrote at the early stages of her transition. Dee is my age, she had her reassignment surgery approx 2 years after she wrote this. Before anyone asks, yes she gave me permission to reprint part of it here. Some terms Dee uses are based upon her understanding and does not reflect the current PC terminology.

A gender disorder person is not someone to fear. If you would only take the time to talk to a person who has gender disorder, you would find that they are interesting people with thoughts and fears. By socializing with a gender disorder person you'll learn not only that this person did not choose this way of life but also had to learn how to deal with it in order to cope with society s norm. 
People don't choose their sexual preference or their way of life when gender disorder comes into play.

A well-known fact is that people who realize they are living outside of the social norm may become victims of a high-rate of suicide. Suicide is an easy way out for the gender disorder person because he or she is very depressed and is afraid as to what their family, friends or community think, and most of all, the fear of being killed at the hands of someone else.

Gender disorder people are not looking for a handshake and don't expect today's society to understand and appreciate their way of life. People with gender disorders only ask for support and acceptance of this society in order to help deal with the pain and hurt they must face in order to fit into society's norm. 
It has been said the ones who mock the abnormal person are the ones who speak for themselves and not the community.

These people doing the mocking are either facing a ghost in their own closet with the fear of being found out or have issues of their own that need to be dealt with. But it has been found societal norms fear is caused by ignorance of its own.

Gender disorder people are asking for the public not to turn a blind eye but to understand, help and work with the abnormalities in today's society. By doing so we can make this world a better place to live in.

I wrote this article because I was once a victim of the abnormal and faced a great deal of ridicule, embarrassment, but most of all fear the loss of my family and friends. I will say that I was a victim of suicide on two occasions and was admitted to a psychiatric institution because of self-harm. At the psychiatric hospital, I was diagnosed with having a gender disorder, now known as Transgender. I was very fortunate to get the support and help I needed from my family, friends and community. This is why I am here today to help educate others with or without a gender disorder.

Copyright ã 2001 Denise Giroux



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