RE: Deeply Troubled

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Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 6:25:31 PM)
quote: Again, if it was done as you say, you wouldn't still have a record. Also, social assitance would pay for these costs if you show reasonable ability and availability to eventually chose employment in the future. If you have already paid for that, too late, no re-embursement. For one, if you have applied and you were rejected after 20 years by the board of pardon...then well, it must have been pretty bad and 2 you broke the law, obviously as an adult since Juvie laws here are lax and all records previous to the age 18 are wiped clean. To address this first point, the search by the RCMP is to determine if I have any wants, warrants or outstanding fines. Also to give me a copy of my charges which are misdemeanors: possession of weapons dangerous and mischief. They do not affect me from getting a passport but do prevent me from ever entering the states. Since I pursuing a new identity. I want a blank slate. If you want to claim disability via gender dysphoria then try to do so, but honestly you must take responsibility for yourself. Are you an infant? no. Put sexual identity on the backburner, behind water, shelter and food. Now about this statement. Specifically the sexual identity placed upon the backburner for the sake of pursuing employment and the eventual acquirement of shelter, and a reasonable means to live. This is not an option since it was also suggested by assistance that I stop my transitioning and pursue employment as a male. As I stated before this is one of the very barriers that I have encountered within the local bureaucracy. Acceptance of who you are and what you are and do what is necessary because you will get very little support. The support comes to those with visible disability much more quickly than those with mental disability. Which is the reason why I have had to acquire legal representation. It is as you have pointed out came4U that policy has not changed. It is the established policies that lead also to the highest rate of suicide within the transgendered community, But such an occurence is never noticed because everyone is so preoccupied with policy. Stella has already posted in another thread bringing up the same point in response to a similar post made by someone else that suggested much the same as you came4U. I am a bit confused on this since my sister had her birth certificate and driver's license changed prior to her having her surgery. According to policy, gender clarification can only be done after surgery. I can however change my name to being more feminine prior to surgery. Both the BC Registrar office and my lawyer have told me the same. I do not get female designation until after surgery. A few counselors within the Transhealth community say to qualify for surgery that I need to have my gender clarification changed before surgery to avoid confusion. In other words, one hand does not know what the other hand is doing. BCs current premiere is of the attitude that you are what you are, stay as you are and funding within the Transhealth community for the purpose of surgery requires that you solicite to advocates to fight on your behalf. Which is the purpose of the asseessment which should be around March-April for me.

came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 6:52:18 PM)
quote: I want a blank slate. Don't we all. quote: This is not an option since it was also suggested by assistance that I stop my transitioning and pursue employment as a male. The government cannot put you in a gender specific occupation role. Is it that construction was what you were qualified to do? quote: It is the established policies that lead also to the highest rate of suicide within the transgendered community, But such an occurence is never noticed because everyone is so preoccupied with policy. Stella has already posted in another thread bringing up the same point in response to a similar post made by someone else that suggested much the same as you came4U suicide is just that, death by oneself. I am not going back and forth from this to a previous thread either. quote: Both the BC Registrar office and my lawyer have told me the same. I do not get female designation until after surgery. Again, if you are going to dwell in the TG issues and not deal with your immediate ones of having a roof over your head then you will be just another TG living on the streets of Vancouver eventually. If you having a female name means more than you eating then I guess you better line up at a soup kitchen where they don't ask. If and when you choose to be off the streets, I suggest you get your old ID's and make this easier on yourself and the administration that can feed you. Again with the excuses of 'Her, a record, names, ID, governement, gender, record, her, her, ID, employment, interviewers acting funny, gender'. It is never ending. Your Mistress shouldn't go on interviews of any kind with you, it is likely ruining your potential and causing stress and confusion for any agent that wants to help you. All your time spent worrying and making excuses, you could have made connections in a volunteer setting and had some great experiences with people who can recommend you for a paying one., or at the least you get used to getting out in the world of men and women and being sociable.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:15:10 PM)
quote: If you having a female name means more than you eating then I guess you better line up at a soup kitchen where they don't ask. If and when you choose to be off the streets, I suggest you get your old ID's and make this easier on yourself and the administration that can feed you. The highlighted portion can not be done and I will not do it. I would rather die first.

beargonewild -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:16:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae According to policy, gender clarification can only be done after surgery. I can however change my name to being more feminine prior to surgery. Both the BC Registrar office and my lawyer have told me the same. I do not get female designation until after surgery. A few counselors within the Transhealth community say to qualify for surgery that I need to have my gender clarification changed before surgery to avoid confusion. In other words, one hand does not know what the other hand is doing. BCs current premiere is of the attitude that you are what you are, stay as you are and funding within the Transhealth community for the purpose of surgery requires that you solicite to advocates to fight on your behalf. Which is the purpose of the asseessment which should be around March-April for me. Thanks for clearing that up for me. Though Dee had gone through the all the steps prior to surgery, this happened here in Ontario. I had figured the laws regarding change of identity was under Federal jurisdiction but I see it's Provincial. As a side note, she went to Montreal to have her surgery done.

IrishMist -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:19:39 PM)
quote: The highlighted portion can not be done and I will not do it. I would rather die first. I hope you enjoy your funeral then because this one sentence here says it all...." I would rather die first".....Just another roll over dead, it's all their fault fatality. Life sure does suck, doesn't it? Get used to it because until you learn to stop blaming everyone else for your situation....it will go on sucking. I hope all the rest still hanging on this thread get their kicks out of beating their head against a brick wall because trying to talk to you is not much different. Have a good life sweetcheeks...

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:20:26 PM)
Which is where I will be going for surgery. It used to be that they would send you to Thailand for surgery, but the doctor there has doubled his fee from 7500 to 15000US because he was being overwhelmed by the demand of services there. Instead, Montreal now is the destination for surgery.

ALAstella -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:31:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae quote: If you having a female name means more than you eating then I guess you better line up at a soup kitchen where they don't ask. If and when you choose to be off the streets, I suggest you get your old ID's and make this easier on yourself and the administration that can feed you. The highlighted portion can not be done and I will not do it. I would rather die first. How about you ask yourself why you're the only female submissive on CM prepared to make yourself homeless just because you won't be serving a Mistress? You've got to admit it's a pretty unique position, right?

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:31:27 PM)
I would not kill my self. Its a selfish way out. No matter how depressed I have been in the past, that alternative is never considered. As for some of the reactions to the thread and advisement that I forgo the transition process. Nope. As for an original point that was made earlier in the thread. I know quite a few that are now right where policy expects them to be in order to make enough income in order to finance their transition. Escort, prostitution and porn. Unfortunately, they are avenues of endeavor that I have absolutely no interest in getting involved. Most of those that I used to know, quite a lot of them have addictions now. Though the money is good, I will not gratify the sexual needs of men even if they are willing to pay me to do so. The whole thought of being referred to and marketed as a she-male, I personally find revolting. There are just some things I will never do. I have too much self-respect for that.

came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:32:44 PM)
quote: I hope all the rest still hanging on this thread get their kicks out of beating their head against a brick wall because trying to talk to you is not much different. It doesn't hurt my head, hurts my soul to see someone who is highly capable of being a supposed submissive but incapable of being a functional human being because it is too much work and priority to be worried about sexuality. Some people have also spent their whole life and given energy to dispute race, gender and heritage and have become great leaders and mentors. Sometimes they even had to deny their own innate needs to come outward of their skin to do so. If anything, not only was her former Miss abusive but not even a good person for not even giving someone such basic aptitudes such as help with self-esteem and to be without any social aptitude. That is something we learn despite sexual orientation....how to get along with, accept and interpret other's intentions. You, OP, have to stop reading into the rest of the world and look inward and wonder why people react the way they do. quote: Unfortunately, they are avenues of endeavor that I have absolutely no interest in getting involved. Most of those that I used to know, quite a lot of them have addictions now. Though the money is good, I will not gratify the sexual needs of men even if they are willing to pay me to do so. The whole thought of being referred to and marketed as a she-male, I personally find revolting. There are just some things I will never do. I have too much self-respect for that. you would never accept free food and never be a she-male because you have too much self respect...............yet you talk about suicide?

Linguist -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:43:34 PM)
Passive/Aggressives and people with Borderline Personality Disorder behave like that. It's horrible. You're better off out of it altogether. It'll take some guts but you'll feel much better about yourself after a while.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 7:54:03 PM)
quote: How about you ask yourself why you're the only female submissive on CM prepared to make yourself homeless just because you won't be serving a Mistress? Because I will not serve master and as for males in positions of authority. I will not serve them either. For others they are more than welcome too, that is their choice. I will not a serve a male. If he were the Dali Lama, I might consider it. You've got to admit it's a pretty unique position, right? Its not a unique position. I just don't like men. Advice that has been offered has been offered by those that are either actively seeking a male submissive or already have a male submissive, are a sub/slave of master or they are actively searching for a master to serve in that capacity. When advice is offered, as I have already told someone privately, I need to first get past their choice before I consider the advice given. As for accepting men in positions of authority over me. The only reason why I labored for the husband of current Miss was because she told me too, I would have much rather continued to do my chores around the house until they arrived home. Such is not what my service to the present couple has been. The transition became an issue because advice offered required others to know what has contributed to my present state of mind. This would also insure better accuracy for the advice being offered to be more beneficial. To even suggest that I forgo my transition for the purpose of employment, is more an insult than being of any benefit. It is the simplest solution as it requires very little thought as to what has already been discussed within this thread up to this point. Now others may figure that it is whining but it is how I process things, by talking about certain what if's, or's and but's. I want to be sure about the advice that others are offering. I don't think linear, however I do want to consider all my options as to the advice by so many that has been offered. Some information has been considered and I have already made certain arrangements to follow offered advice come Monday. Other factors have come up, more advice having been offered. Some options are very similar to earlier advice and they have already been considered inadvisable since it would not only affect my health but also make my life a lot more complicated than it is already. Hope this has given you some insight into how I am processing all the information and advice that has been read so far.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:09:59 PM)
quote: yet you talk about suicide I admit it was reactionary and a bit extreme. It was meant only figuratively and not to be taken literally. By the way. I did run away back in '01. In the time that I was away, I did spend a lot of time in and out of hostels and eating at soup kitchens. I did survive but barely which was why my return back here. I could not function and I barely survived three months out there in the real world. It was upon my return that I realized that I could not survive because I had no one to direct me, no one to guide me. Living on the street is not a place for the likes of me which is why I did all that I could to get back here. Truthfully, I did have skills and they did help me somewhat, but nothing in a way that ensured a quality of life that I am used to living within the confines of the lifestyle that I find my self well suited. Accept it or not, your choice. My lifestyle choice and my resolve to continue with my transition to being who I really am inside, has to be even if others suggest I do otherwise. As others have already suggested and advised, I need to have faith and that is what I plan to do. Have faith because that is something I can believe in and no one can take it from me unless I let them. I am not letting anyone take that away from me again. Not anyone.

came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:14:58 PM)
quote: My lifestyle choice and my resolve to continue with my transition to being who I really am inside, has to be even if others suggest I do otherwise. As others have already suggested and advised, I need to have faith and that is what I plan to do. Have faith because that is something I can believe in and no one can take it from me unless I let them. I am not letting anyone take that away from me again. Not anyone Thats bettah!! <spanks you just because and sends you off say'in I believe in you too. [:D] Attah girl!

Sanguinarian -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:33:52 PM)
Aszhrae, to be perfectly logical and unemotional, you have only so many choices. You can either: A) stagnate until you absolutely have to leave, and have nothing and no way to support yourself so you end up sleeping in the streets and see how that ends up, or B) stop whining and start DOING something constructive with your time. Because for a thinking being, there are no other choices.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:57:53 PM)
In response to your post Sanguinarian, The original post was more a question dealing with the emptiness that I felt as current Miss is pushing me away. The anxiety I feel is having no one to care for but also about who will care for Miss when her husband decides to go at her and I am not there to keep her from being harmed by him. However, with this thread advice had been offered that had also stirred up additional issues having to do with how my present relationship and world is falling apart. Like it or not, for sub/slave such as my self routine is important. I don't have that routine anymore. Having to find my self again has its own issues. So many things have happened over the years, new issues and concerns have arisen by the ongoing advice that I have received. Being emotionless and coldly logical of what I need to do, is not a frame of mind that comes to me naturally. I don't think that way. I have also stated previously certain arrangements made yesterday are concerns to addressed Monday. There is nothing I can do until then. I do not consider my current position is stagnate. I just need to rethink things through. There are some doors that are closed to me. Others doors I have no inclination towards opening. There are however other doors to be considered that I have not tried yet. Two particular doors are my main concern. One door has to do with a service that tries to find placement of those that have similar issues as mine but in a more liberal atmosphere of employment without prejudice. My transhealth counselor was supposed to help me but her case files have been taken over by another counselor. The other door has more to do with my heritage, my father's mother was metis and there is an office here that provides assistance to those of native heritage. I have been paying attention and I have not been completely stagnate. I have been taking care of things at my end.

beargonewild -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:58:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist I hope all the rest still hanging on this thread get their kicks out of beating their head against a brick wall because trying to talk to you is not much different. Have a good life sweetcheeks... Interesting, gotta love the tolerance or lack thereof ......rolls eyes

KatyLied -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 8:58:50 PM)
quote: but nothing in a way that ensured a quality of life that I am used to living within the confines of the lifestyle that I find my self well suited. Well heaven forbid that you might have a less than comfortable quality of life. Or that you may actually have to take a few steps outside of your comfort zone. Welcome to reality, as this is the way most of us live.

Aszhrae -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 11:11:22 PM)
If I respond to you the way I feel to respond to such a cold and sarcastic statement I will probably get another reminder to back off. It would seem that some here know how to push other people's buttons and just stay beneath the radar. Nope, provoke someone else, I have had enough conversations with moderators thank you. [:'(]

Viridana -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 11:11:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aszhrae In response to your post Sanguinarian, The original post was more a question dealing with the emptiness that I felt as current Miss is pushing me away. The anxiety I feel is having no one to care for but also about who will care for Miss when her husband decides to go at her and I am not there to keep her from being harmed by him. However, with this thread advice had been offered that had also stirred up additional issues having to do with how my present relationship and world is falling apart. Like it or not, for sub/slave such as my self routine is important. I don't have that routine anymore. Having to find my self again has its own issues. So many things have happened over the years, new issues and concerns have arisen by the ongoing advice that I have received. Being emotionless and coldly logical of what I need to do, is not a frame of mind that comes to me naturally. I don't think that way. I have also stated previously certain arrangements made yesterday are concerns to addressed Monday. There is nothing I can do until then. I do not consider my current position is stagnate. I just need to rethink things through. There are some doors that are closed to me. Others doors I have no inclination towards opening. There are however other doors to be considered that I have not tried yet. Two particular doors are my main concern. One door has to do with a service that tries to find placement of those that have similar issues as mine but in a more liberal atmosphere of employment without prejudice. My transhealth counselor was supposed to help me but her case files have been taken over by another counselor. The other door has more to do with my heritage, my father's mother was metis and there is an office here that provides assistance to those of native heritage. I have been paying attention and I have not been completely stagnate. I have been taking care of things at my end. I have to give you a huge compliment here. The change in attitude from a couple of days ago is great. I don't know you at all, but I somehow feel a proud of you for taking some steps toward planning and preparing for upcoming life changes. Keep up the good work girl :) . I am positive you'll find some acceptable solutions, even though it could take extreme digging. I just encourage you to keep an open mind to all possible routes.

came4U -> RE: Deeply Troubled (1/3/2009 11:36:25 PM)
quote: If I respond to you the way I feel to respond to such a cold and sarcastic...... I don't know about that nor do I think you were that way to me, but I think by stopping while you were ahead is a good idea. quote: I have been paying attention and I have not been completely stagnate. I have been taking care of things at my end. Maybe it is time you start your list of things to do without concern for what anyone ever types in this thread again. We maybe want to see this thread come back in 8 months to be notified of your progress and to give other recently separated or TG's some hope that they can and will thrive also just like you have. Do the things you have said you have given thought to and come back and make any woman/tg proud to call herself a worthy submissive that you can eventually mentor through your hardship and bravery. Don't be a statistic, be terrific!! my exit: Goooooodbyeeee Vietnammmmmmmm

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