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Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 8:13:31 AM   
gretademille


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline 		Hi everybody,

I've transitioned for about two years now. And I've often discussed with my therapist the frustration that most guys I meet through the internet are always about sex and rarely have any interest in dating or trying to have an actual relationship. My therapist has suggested to start dating people that have no idea that I'm trans.
I've been often flirted with, or hit on but I always rejected "street people" because I was afraid of.... well... rejection! But know after two years of having a job, friends and going out and just being a woman 24/7 365 days. I feel way more comfortable about myself and I think I'm ready to deal with possible rejection.
I was wondering to the TS girls if any of you had experience in dating people who had no idea you were trans? I'm wondering how long do you wait before telling someone that you're a TG. I know it's not right away lol!! But do you wait for the person to be into you and you into them before springing it on them? Does anybody have any ideas or opinions?
Thanks in advance

Greta
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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 9:07:32 AM   
RCdc


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Status: offline 		Hello greta.
Welcome to the forums and hope your new year rocks.
I know neither of us qualify to answer your question in the respect that we aren't and have no experience of being TS, however I would feel really uncomfortable being told I was dating someone who wasn't who I thought they were after a certain period of time.  Even for one date.  Being TS/TG wouldn't be an issue for me, but with-holding the correct information would be.
 
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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 9:19:33 AM   
greeneyedreamer


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Status: offline 		I understand your frustration and can sympathize with you, but really honesty is always the best policy. Deceit will only get you bigger rejection in the end and more hurt and with the wrong man, you never know... violence could ensue. Tell them and if they can't handle it, their loss...

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 10:33:57 AM   
PanthersMom


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Status: offline 		honesty is always the best policy.  good open honest communication is best for all relationships.  it may be hard at times, but i don't think any relationship can survive without it.
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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 10:48:41 AM   
BondageBarbieX


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Status: offline 		You need to tell them right away,this is not something you should keep from someone.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 10:52:08 AM   
lusciouslips19


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Status: offline 		I cant believe that a licensed therapist would give you the advice to defraud people. Thats really unethical. If you withhold information like that, you could get your ass kicked by a vanilla who will consider you a guy and fair game for an ass kicking.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:13:54 PM   
Coupleofwhats


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Status: offline 		Wow. You might want to think about getting a new therapist: not telling your dates beforehand is totally unethical. And possibly dangerous. What if you spring that revelation on a the wrong guy after a couple of dates?

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:17:50 PM   
E2Sweet


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Status: offline 		Indeed. To me, right away is the right answer. I personally don't agree at all with what your therapist is suggesting with regard to this specific point.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:19:12 PM   
RedMagic1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Coupleofwhats
And possibly dangerous.

Ditto this.  I was living in California when a 20 year old was killed because of his crossdressing.  I don't want to get into a debate about whether he Crying-Gamed the two young men who beat him to death, because he didn't deserve execution for whatever might have happened.


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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:21:54 PM   
YourhandMyAss


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From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I have nothing against Transgendered, but I would have major issues if someone chose not to tell me before I chose to date them. I consider it being lied to, and lying to me is one of my first deal breakers in choosing a date or partner.

I agree with every one else, you should verbally roast your therapist for suggesting such a dangerous lie.



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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:25:25 PM   
jflynn


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/9/2004
From: Boston, Ma
Status: offline 		Tell them up front. Be up front about it. Because even in the most liberal of places, you can still get a negative reaction from someone.

I'm transgendered myself, and have been full time for a few years. I'm always up front about it when it comes to dating/seeking play partners. My ads on this site or others mention the fact that I'm trans, and I tend to be fairly open open with it in the local poly/bdsm circles that I hang out with. Hopefully being up front has led to me really not having *any* negative reactions at all. And also, dating in circles that tend to be really accepting tends to also eliminate most negative reactions.

Anyways. Be up front, date within communities that support trans folks, and you'll have very little problems finding acceptance or a date. :)

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:25:35 PM   
JohnWarren


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Status: offline 		I'd recommend upfront honesty.  I have a number of TS people I play with and I've always been more open to play with people who came to me honestly.  If I discover something on my own, I'm not so much disturbed about what I've found than what else may remain to be found.  If you want me to trust you; you have to start out trusting me.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:27:02 PM   
windchymes


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Status: offline 		The only way I would agree with your therapist is if by "date", he/she meant someone you were just going to go out with "as friends", where it was just a casual thing, with no expectations of romance or sex, you were just doing something together with no strings attached.  Or with a group, just a group of friends going out.

Otherwise, I also think it's better to be straight (maybe that's a bad choice of word....honest) with people up front and take the rejection and hold out for the rare gem who will accept you, rather than live by deceit and anxiety, always wondering.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:38:46 PM   
spiritd1


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Status: offline 		I an a TS/TG/TV  (no SRS yet) and I don't tell anyone until we get to know each other better and things get to the point of wanting to be serious. I don't believe to talk and to get to know each other that I have to tell them. If  you see that this guy is nice and wants to be more than friends then yes you need to tell them but you don't need to wear a sign above you "HEY I AM A TG". I don't think we have to lay our whole life out at the first meeting, even GGs don't tell you their whole life story at a first meeting. I will sometimes bring up the subject of what I think of someone being TG and see what reaction I get from the freiind. If they accept TGs find if they don't I just leave, there are many ways to size up a relationship before it goes very far. I agree about being honest and that is paramount but we do not need to tell our lifes history to just meet and talk with a person. We have to be fair to our partners and to ourselves but we don't have to do or say things to make life difficult. Be fair and honest but don't tell until you find out who you are with. Just my advice.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 12:38:56 PM   
ExSteelAgain


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Status: offline 		One word.....BEFORE

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 1:23:38 PM   
gretademille


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/23/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks spiritd1 for your comment, really appreciated. I only tell people that are close to me, co-workers and other casual acquaintances are kept in the dark, anyways it's kinda like being kinky, you don't have to tell everyone you meet, but they can still find out, are you  telling everyone that you are kinky?

My therapist has been dealing with trans people for 20 years and many of her clients have met partners and eventually told them, so it is possible. But if I go on a casual date I don't have to say right away all of my flaws and shortcomings... ex if you were raped as a child you don't have to say that on the first date. And most people hide the truth anyway on the first date about their troubled past. The point of doing this is to have the other person get to know you before prejudice rears it's ugly head.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 1:41:18 PM   
E2Sweet


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gretademille

....My therapist has been dealing with trans people for 20 years and many of her clients have met partners and eventually told them, so it is possible. But if I go on a casual date I don't have to say right away all of my flaws and shortcomings... ex if you were raped as a child you don't have to say that on the first date. And most people hide the truth anyway on the first date about their troubled past. The point of doing this is to have the other person get to know you before prejudice rears it's ugly head...


I don't mean to seem like I'm poking you with a stick here, but I have to say this... In reading this, I think you're justifying what you really know isn't ethical. Further, I think you posted the question because you were looking for overwhelming support for the decision you have already made and it turned out you did not get that.

It is quite possible to meet someone, hold back on this truth about you, and in the end, live happily ever after. Its also quite possible you will go through this same process and end up physically assaulted because the person you have been dating is not as open-minded as you had hoped.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.


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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 1:43:18 PM   
MmeGigs


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gretademille
And I've often discussed with my therapist the frustration that most guys I meet through the internet are always about sex and rarely have any interest in dating or trying to have an actual relationship. My therapist has suggested to start dating people that have no idea that I'm trans.


I doubt that will make any difference.  The vast majority of guys I come into contact with on the internet are all about sex and have no interest in dating or relationships.  This is what it is to be a woman in the online world, even for a chubby old married broad like me.  So a young, hot, single girl like you is going to get a lot of this.


What do you mean by "I've transitioned for about two years now,"?  I think I'm kind of with your therapist about telling a date, but if you wouldn't mind sharing I'd like to know a little more about where you are/where you're going with the process before explaining why since I seem to be at odds with most who've responded.

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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 1:46:18 PM   
E2Sweet


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quote:

ORIGINAL: spiritd1

...We have to be fair to our partners and to ourselves but we don't have to do or say things to make life difficult....


I'm sorry, I don't feel you can always have it both ways. Often times, being fair means taking the more difficult road. I view the holding-back of something this significant as unfair to the other person you choose to start a relationship with. No if's, and's or but's.


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RE: Telling a date you're a TG woman - 1/2/2009 1:51:32 PM   
ALAstella


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Status: offline 		Immediately..

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