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RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:04:26 AM

Roselaure

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Well, I don't think I'd kick someone out because I found marijuana. I don't partake of it myself, and I haven't in years. But I wouldn't care if a guest smoked it on occassion, just as long as they didn't do it in the house. But that's me. It is your home, and you make the rules.

I don't think it's so much about the reason she kicked him out. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to preserve your sanity and your home and the other people you may have living there. I don't care for the term "tough love". Love is love and doing the hard thing that happens to be right is the right thing to do love or no love. You just put up with it longer before acting when you love someone.

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Post #: 41

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:16:54 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
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quote:

I suppose that I could just let it go but I had owned the building for about thirty years. The building is free and clear. It is assessed at $276,000. To let the building go for taxes or burn down without insurance just because I gave it to her just rubs me the wrong way.

I can relate to that, actually. I gave the ex the house so that she'd have a roof over her head when she was in her twilight years (mortage paid free and clear)--which is why I shamelessly used the power of the purse to apply a little attitude adjustment. The house is her safety net, not the boys'.

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Post #: 42

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:28:15 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Well, I don't think I'd kick someone out because I found marijuana. I don't partake of it myself, and I haven't in years. But I wouldn't care if a guest smoked it on occassion, just as long as they didn't do it in the house. But that's me. It is your home, and you make the rules.

I have a friend who didn't believe me when I told her that her son (adult) was doing more than partaking. She had the same attitude you have here... soon her house was broken into a couple times... and police had a hay day ruining much of her property and leaving a huge mess that she could not repair or clean up for almost a year. Had they found anything... the kid was smart... they could have taken her home as it was being used for criminal activity. She could have been charged herself as the home was near a school.

Simple partaking is one thing but still can bring on a lot of things one doesn't wish to have. Not to mention that some get rather lazy and hungry and might not do other things while raiding your kitchen of that late night snack you were counting on. There is a whole lot more to think about. Like what else are they doing or not doing... disrespecting rules of mom and one who pays the bills and going no where in life.

Toke if you want... but do it in your own home if the one you live with doesn't want you token.

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Post #: 43

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:28:56 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bluesgun

No, I've never had to do this my self but have been in his shoes.
My old man tossed me out on my ass for much the same.
I cant even remember how I ended up in the Marine Corps recruiting office,
but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Now I see that Pop was doing me the biggest favor of my life.
Hope it works out for him and you.
best wishes
Blues

Blues, I was thinking the same thing, I *know* it was the best thing that ever happened to me!
And I wasn't a "bum" at the time, I was working a full time job in a warehouse and paying my parents rent money each week.
All I had to say was that I was "thinking" about joining the Navy and I was *gone!*
It happened *that fast!* "Whoosh!!!!" lol

< Message edited by popeye1250 -- 1/4/2009 11:35:23 AM >

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Post #: 44

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:30:48 AM

Lorr47

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

I just had to kick my son out of the house. When he moved back in with me about a year and a half ago one of the rules was no drugs. I found a pipe with weed in it on my patio and it was the second time, so I couldn't let it slide this time. (especially since he was so convincing when I confronted him the first time and told me it would never happen again)

He told me when he left that he understood and he'd really screwed up. He said he thought it was the best thing for him, that as long as he was here he would never get serious about getting his life on track.

It still sucks. I worry about him and I miss him.

Anyone else had to do this? How did it work out?

The saddest case I have seen involved a 76 year old woman and her 40 year old daughter (with two children). The daughter asked if she and the children could move back home. The 76 year old said "yes if you obey my rules." To make a long story short, the daughter moved back in; about $40,000 worth of checks were stolen and cashed illegally; cars stolen; property stolen and so on. The daughter was on crack and I think you can guess where most of the money went. The daughter moved in and immediately moved in some of the worse crack dealers in the city. The finished basement was destroyed by these creatures as well as any rooms these creatures ventured into. The 76 year old switched from an outgoing bossy women to a very quiet sedated women. She wouldn't answer the phone (if she was allowed to) . I asked her what was wrong and in a moment of weakness she allowed me to start eviction proceedings, but every step of the way was like pulling teeth. When the mess was over the daughter had relieved her of about $84,000; caused the house to be destroyed and stressed her to the point she had a stroke. It took over 60 days for the daughter to be thrown out by the court. Now the mother is rebuilding her home and answers the phone. She criticizes me by saying that I should have forced her to evict the daughter months earlier. Yes, she is back to saying her mind and is she bossy. However, there is irreparable damage. If you try to find out what really happened during that time in the house she assumes a panicked look, her eyes gloss over; she starts crying and then runs into the bath room.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 45

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:33:31 AM

Lorr47

Posts: 862
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

I suppose that I could just let it go but I had owned the building for about thirty years. The building is free and clear. It is assessed at $276,000. To let the building go for taxes or burn down without insurance just because I gave it to her just rubs me the wrong way.

I can relate to that, actually. I gave the ex the house so that she'd have a roof over her head when she was in her twilight years (mortage paid free and clear)--which is why I shamelessly used the power of the purse to apply a little attitude adjustment. The house is her safety net, not the boys'.

I congratulate you on being able to control the situation. I have lost control unless I can get the daughter involved.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 46

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:39:47 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
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quote:

I have lost control unless I can get the daughter involved.

For what it's worth, best of luck with that.

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Post #: 47

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 11:52:05 AM

slaveboyforyou

Posts: 3607
Joined: 1/6/2005
From: Arkansas, U.S.A.
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quote:

I have a friend who didn't believe me when I told her that her son (adult) was doing more than partaking. She had the same attitude you have here... soon her house was broken into a couple times... and police had a hay day ruining much of her property and leaving a huge mess that she could not repair or clean up for almost a year. Had they found anything... the kid was smart... they could have taken her home as it was being used for criminal activity. She could have been charged herself as the home was near a school.

Simple partaking is one thing but still can bring on a lot of things one doesn't wish to have. Not to mention that some get rather lazy and hungry and might not do other things while raiding your kitchen of that late night snack you were counting on. There is a whole lot more to think about. Like what else are they doing or not doing... disrespecting rules of mom and one who pays the bills and going no where in life.

Toke if you want... but do it in your own home if the one you live with doesn't want you token.

I don't disagree with you about following the rules when you stay at someone's home. I'm just saying I don't see a little pot as a big deal. Like I said, that's just me. I know all about family members and substance abuse. I have to hide my wallet and car keys when my younger brother visits. It's her house, and her rules. Of course, he should have been a little more respectful. I'm just saying, I wouldn't have kicked someone out over a pipe with some pot in it.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 48

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 12:51:49 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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I might not either.. but leaving the damn thing out and where anyone could see it or find it... kind of clueless and maybe an indicator of a few things I as, home owner/mom, might need to pay attention to. lol Someone paying for their own choice/foolish/rights is one thing... making me pay for it is another! lol If you are gunna play the game and not protect yourself... damn it... you won't protect me either!

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Post #: 49

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 1:00:06 PM

TNstepsout

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Joined: 8/3/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Well, I don't think I'd kick someone out because I found marijuana. I don't partake of it myself, and I haven't in years. But I wouldn't care if a guest smoked it on occassion, just as long as they didn't do it in the house. But that's me. It is your home, and you make the rules.

It was a rule when he moved in and he agreed to it. I'm in an apartment and it's not permitted. I could be evicted. Not only that, smoking weed is an issue for him. The only times he's ever made real progress in growing up and being responsible is when he wasn't using ANY drugs, including weed. When he left he had a small bag that he emptied down the toilet-WILLINGLY- I didn't even know about it. He knows it's not good for him and holds him back, but he back slid into old habits.

When I was a teenager I smoked weed pretty heavily. But I still managed to graduate HS with a good GPA, hold a steady job, save money, and after graduation, attend classes at the local community college. He can't seem to do that.

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Post #: 50

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 1:02:26 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
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quote:

It was a rule when he moved in and he agreed to it.

That is the beginning, middle, and end of the issue.

It doesn't matter what the rule is; if he isn't going to adhere to them he needs to leave. That's the lesson of accountability.

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Post #: 51

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 1:55:24 PM

MzMia

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Joined: 7/30/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Well, I don't think I'd kick someone out because I found marijuana. I don't partake of it myself, and I haven't in years. But I wouldn't care if a guest smoked it on occassion, just as long as they didn't do it in the house. But that's me. It is your home, and you make the rules.

It was a rule when he moved in and he agreed to it. I'm in an apartment and it's not permitted. I could be evicted. Not only that, smoking weed is an issue for him. The only times he's ever made real progress in growing up and being responsible is when he wasn't using ANY drugs, including weed. When he left he had a small bag that he emptied down the toilet-WILLINGLY- I didn't even know about it. He knows it's not good for him and holds him back, but he back slid into old habits.

When I was a teenager I smoked weed pretty heavily. But I still managed to graduate HS with a good GPA, hold a steady job, save money, and after graduation, attend classes at the local community college. He can't seem to do that.

THIS is the post I needed to read!
I was a pothead {and a few more other things

} when I was a teenager and even into
my early 20's.
I did not smoke it in the house, I always worked, and I went to a community college, also.

I stopped on my own, after I transferred to a 4 year University.
I knew I would never graduate if I continued being a pothead.
I also did not want to be the old pothead hanging around!

I was actually lucky I never was in a serious car accident, or any number of other tragedies.

You gave him a chance, you went over the rules with him in advance, why should you risk being arrested for having the pot in your home and being evicted?
The drug laws have certainly changed since I was a pot head 25 years ago.

< Message edited by MzMia -- 1/4/2009 2:02:12 PM >

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Post #: 52

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 2:00:08 PM

LaTigresse

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Besides. Here in the US it is illegal. Regardless of my personal stance on the issue. As the parent I had the right to create the rules of the house. No illegal drugs, period....was one of my rules. Not in my house. If they wanted to do it, they were going to have to do it else where. Yes, they knew my own personal feeling on the issue of pot and that I think it's rediculous that it is illegal. They also knew that I had smoked it in the past (I didn't while I had kids at home because I felt I had to practice what I preached).

The issue wasn't the substance, it was the legal issue.

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Post #: 53

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/4/2009 4:01:48 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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Oh gosh.....

He was 17, senior-itis and full of himself, had a set of wheels that I helped him get, and a job. I don't even remember what the infraction was, now, I think he had wanted to skip school on a certain day, and I told him absolutely not, and if he did, I'd take the car keys for two weeks. Well, he did, and I found out, and I demanded the car keys. He refused, saying he had no way to get to school. I said, take the bus like the other kids do. Can't take the bus, I'm a senior! Well then, I don't give a damn how you get to school, but you're not driving the car. Yes I am. No, you're not, give me the damn keys! Okay, fine, you don't like the rules here, then get your stuff and go live with someone else. Okay, fine!

He throws a few clothes and his fishtank inn the car and starts out. Uh uh, no way, you take ALL your stuff. All the clothes, sheets and blankets, all that crap in the closet and drawers, take it all! Get it ALL out of here! (Trying to make it as difficult for him as possible, lol) Meanwhile, I'm dying inside, thinking Oh God Oh God Oh God....He takes a couple more armloads of stuff, and then it's quiet for a few minutes, then he comes in, flops down on the couch, hands me the car keys and says, "Ok, let's talk. So-and-so will pick me up for school for two weeks. I won't skip school anymore. Okay?"

And I kept the keys for the two weeks, and he settled down a lot after that and finished out the year. Today, seven years later, he's a great father to my granddaughter, he respects me and I really respect the person he's become.

Stick to your guns. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I'm glad I did.

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RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/5/2009 7:46:06 PM

Maya2001

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I have done it a couple times at different stages and for different reasons.... at first my son was extremely angry with me..but in time he agreed I did the right thing.

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Post #: 55

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/5/2009 9:41:46 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
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For some, it's not a matter of "tough love" - it's a matter of showing a bit of backbone and self respect. In my family, the leech of the clan (my brother) didn't get cut off financially until *I was the one in charge of all the finances. He managed to bancrupt our grandmother while mom was still alive. And mom kept dad from doing anything particularly stupid for a while longer. But after she died, dad was both lonely and wanting to believe the best of the boy he helped to raise - despite all evidence pointing to it being a completely futile endeavor. If dad hadn't had his stroke, my 43 yr old brother would still be living rent free, utilities free, grocery bill free, complaining if someone else didn't put the majority of gas in his vehical and keep it running and insured, and looking shocked if he was expected to buy his own clothing or pay his own drunk driving tickets.

Hell, even after I went to court and had him evicted from the family home for the damage he was doing to the place, he would still show up at the nursing home regularly to try and get money out of dad - only to find that the best he could do is complain until dad would call me and get told "no, it's not your responcibility to pay his bills - it's time for him to learn that his electricity and gas come before going out to drink with his useless friends." It took nearly a year of me refusing when dad would demand I give my brother money for this or that bill before the manchild quit asking dad for funding. I don't even Pretend to "love" my brother. I detest him. I loath him. I consider him about 3 rungs lower than ameobic disentary on the evolutionary scale. It wasn't "tough love" - it was sheer disgust at the rest of the family continuing to coddle him.

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RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/5/2009 11:14:48 PM

OneMoreWaste

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorr47
I think you are replying to CelticLord, not me, but he has it right. If you do not stop the parasitic behavior the minute you see it, you will be taken down. It only gets malignant with time. My problem is that "she" stands between me and "them." After I gave her the building , every parasite has descended on her. Then, I have to bail the building out.

Geez. All this Jerry Springer drama, and you're giving them buildings? Give *me* the building, I'll evict the parasitic losers and park some nice honest cars in it.

TN, you look way too young to have a kid old enough to get stoned. Disown him, pretend the whole thing never happened, and rock on. "I don't know who you are, but if you don't leave right now I'm calling the cops!"

Don't worry, the .gov is Democrat-heavy for '09. We'll all be supporting him.

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Post #: 57

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/6/2009 2:51:21 AM

LittleMissModern

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My parents won't do that to my brother, and i dislike them for it.

He and i live in an apartment together.

he smokes pot, cigarettes, and watches tv with a bottle of hard alcohol by his side, while they stick $200 in his bank account every month. They pay the rent here.
They're enabling him. my boyfriend and I have agreed they're not doing him any good in doing so. He's going to college across the street, and my dad is writing all his papers for him. Since he's passing, they don't care what he's doing.

He's also got a DUI, totaled 2 brand new cars, one hit and run, and one drunk in public that he landed on his 21st birthday. Though they've not given him another car, they're still keeping a roof over his head and supporting him through school and providing him with the money to eat at Chili's more often than anyone should, while still buying alcohol and weed for himself.

I applaud you for doing what you did to your kid. I'm sure it's tough.

My mom kicked me out last year over chocolate covered popcorn. I was eating my chocolate covered popcorn, and she asked for some. I told her that it was mine, much like the drumsticks in the freezer are hers. (yes, looking back, i could have shared). She told me, after the popcorn was gone, that since I hadn't shared, I had to move out (but in much less kind words). So, I did just that. It sucked... I took everything in my car, and went to my best friend's house. We've since gotten past the popcorn issue, and I was only out of the house for a couple weeks.

So anyway, it's ok to house my brother and pay for his alcohol and his tuition for school with all he's gotten himself into, but apparently chocolate covered popcorn is a big deal.

She'd tell you that I opted to leave on my own.

I have a strange mother.

Anyway... it sounds like you've balanced everything out, and that your actions were reasonable. Stick to it. That part is important.

I wish you the best.

(in reply to OneMoreWaste)

Post #: 58

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/6/2009 3:04:33 AM

sirsholly

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From: Quietville
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quote:

y parents won't do that to my brother, and i dislike them for it.

He and i live in an apartment together.

he smokes pot, cigarettes, and watches tv with a bottle of hard alcohol by his side, while they stick $200 in his bank account every month. They pay the rent here.

As your parents are supporting you as well it seems you have very little to say about it

quote:

I was eating my chocolate covered popcorn, and she asked for some. I told her it was mine

all i can do is shake my head.....

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Post #: 59

RE: Kicking out the Kid (grown) - 1/6/2009 3:28:48 AM

MissIsis

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Yes, I have had to do this. My son has a drinking problem. I am responsible for my grand, his niece. I didn't want this in my home. One day, while I was on my way home from work, the police were called. He had been drinking & wanted more alcohol. His sister was planning on taking him to the store, but apparently, in his state of mind, it wasn't quick enough & he started fighting with her. It was bad enough that the neighbor called the police when they heard him threatening her. They didn't take him away. She wouldn't press charges, but he scared her, and broke a window.

I left him a note telling him I loved him, but I couldn't have his drinking around my grand. I told him I needed him out within a couple days. His sister stayed with a friend in the meantime. He was out the next day, stayed away for a couple months, then asked to come back & promised he wouldn't drink in the house. I let him come back. He was much better at that point, but I am sure he missed being able to drink. He finally left on his own to go back to another state, where his dad lives. He's got a apartment he is sharing with a friend & started a more steady job. I am hoping for the best. It is so much more peaceful here nowadays & my daughter, moved in with her boyfriend.

When my middle daughter refused to go to school, I explored all sorts of options with her till she turned 18. Due to the Becca bill, parents are held legally liable if they don't go to school. You can't pick them up & force them to go. That would apparently be abusive. Yet, you are still liable for them. When she hit 18, I told her if she wasn't going to go to school, she needed to get a job & pay me rent. I think I told her about 50 dollars a week. She thought that was too much decided to get an apartment with her best friend. I think their rent was about $750.00, not including phone, & utilities. She learned a lot about responsibility & managing money in that time. She eventually got married a couple years ago, & they have a little one now. She lives far away, but we are in contact all the time & are very close.

To the poster about the popcorn, I suspect, just because I am a mom of 3 grown ones, that it was about more than just the popcorn. The popcorn was probably just the last straw of something that had been bothering the mom. I could be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time. It is really hard when the grown ones are teetering between being responsible & still leaning on one or both parents. Having them in the home, sometimes, is a little much. In the old days, people finished school, got married, & started their own families. With people waiting much longer to get married, I think the friction between everyone's own sense of what they can & can't do, is difficult to bear. The grown ones feel they are old enough to do what they want. The parents feel if they are in their home & being supported, they are entitled to the grown ones being respectful of their space & their own rules.

Sometimes, the only course of action is to give them a little push out of the nest & into the world. You might find your relationship with your son will be much better, given some time.

The first time the house was empty, was when the above daughter moved out. I found myself a little out of sorts at first, but then got to like coming home to only the mess I had made. I got a second job for awhile, which helped keep me busy enough.

(in reply to TNstepsout)

Post #: 60

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