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Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 2:57:33 PM   
DommeBMFS


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		This boy, he's 52, we've spoken online for four months, dated six times. He's offered videos of what his interests are. We've had in-depth conversations about limits (long lists and explanations). He travels three hours one way to come to Me. He and I have stayed at hotels here and then I requested to see and visit his house. All done with that. I am sadist and dominant. He is masochistic and submissive (so he says).

I am NOT a rich woman. I live VERY modestly with one daughter. He does have means. I have made it abundantly clear I do NOT like gifts unless asked for and it is difficult to get him to stop bringing Me what I do not ask for. I am a VERY detail oriented person. I expect EXACTLY what I asked for, no more, no less. For example, I say, bring Me some tylenol. He brings coffee and chocolate too! I KNOW he's trying to be a good boy, but it pisses Me off. I HATE wasting good food/drink, and I didn't ASK for it. :( Down the drain it went and he was mad to boot, I think. Also, he keeps asking ..do you want this or that...and I keep telling him, IF I want something I will ASK for it.

Ok, now here's the REAL cuurent issue: he has seen prodommes a LOT. He offered to take us BOTH to one. I, of course, am a practical woman, I want to learn technique on hand. I agreed. Mistake! He just kept saying over and over again how HIS fantasy was realized. Oh , I've given in a lot to his fantasies, I fear. He is NOT used to life/style. I am VERY upset that he paid her and got his rocks off so to speak. All I wanted to do was learn. I feel like a whore....an unpaid one at that! I am jealous, and upset. I let him know it, too. Although I agreed to it, I'm not happy about it. And I will NOT make the same mistake again. But, I have residual issues, as a woman! He insists that he did it for us, that he had no ulterior motive. He insists that even though he offers videos and training tapes, he does it for us, not to just get his rocks off. BUT! I feel I am being trained to be the Domme he wants Me to be and I am NOT liking this feeling of being 'topped' from the 'bottom' in our learning. Is this unrealistic?

Now, he's bitching about a three hour drive, not getting enough sleep, stressing when I plan the schedule and activities from breakfast to session to shopping. ALL the time, I'm checking with him...I will have you home by such and such time, is that ok with you?
We will go here, any problem with that? And, if I have to rearrange some things, fine, I'm flexible. I pretty much go with the flow. But he gets bitchy, moody, testy and is NOT trusting Me. When he bitches he says, 'but I thought we were communicating'. Oh, he says he journals as I instruct him, he orgasms as I instruct him, he does his dancing and his ritual faith as I instruct him and I trust all that. Should I???

OK, so now..I'm taking the reigns again. I got womanly bitchy with him and told him I need to find female dominant friends and he needs to find other submissives to bitch with, not Me. I gave him strict instruction to send a thank you note from BOTH of us to the prodomme (She is also life/style with Her husband) and ask Her if She would mind if I had Her email address. At the same time, I gave him instruction to NOT communicate with Me for TWO WEEKS. That this is MY time to work out MY issues. Up to now, I've given him reasons for what I do. I don't feel that it's necessary any longer. I am getting bitchier as he keeps asking 'why'. I told him, NO MORE 'why', either you trust Me now or leave. He is so fearful that I'm breaking up with him. I am doing the separation for a damn good reason, like I do everything for My own damn good reasons and ALSO with him in mind- I'm considerate. But, now..I get this email, you see. I did NOT ask him to copy Me on the thank you note to the pro. Well, I now have Her email address without Her permission, My reasons for My specific instructions are MOOT! I am angry about this. And I really hope She isn't angry with him about it--but She's too nice anyhow and he's a paying client.

I want to send him an email back chastising him, but I FEEL I must keep the two week separation consistent. I feel like beating him silly so he will understand that I MEAN what I say...NO MORE, NO LESS! :(
I feel he's a spoiled boy, able to control his paid sessions. He says he wants the life/style, but I'm seriously doubting his true motives, even if he does not know them himself. I'm ALLOWED to be a bitch, a woman....deal with it, right? So, that's what I told him and he certainly doesn't like that. I told him to take two weeks and consider if he is truly submissive or just a player. I put ALL this in writing.

As I'm so new, I'm all silly and crying with doubt, but I DO feel in My Domme heart that I am RIGHT. MY fantasies, not his. MY whims, not his. MY pleasure and happiness comes first, not his.

Is there any advice you can give on this matter?


_____________________________

Is abstinence and/or denial proportional to bitchiness? If so, GAWD help U/us A/all. If all are bitches, where are the Dommes?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 3:28:32 PM   
LadyMorgynn


Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline 		Three words: Cut him loose.

But then, you know that already :)

_____________________________

---
Lady Morgynn
www.farhorizons.net/LadyMorgynn

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 3:43:00 PM   
anthrosub


Posts: 843
Joined: 6/2/2004
Status: offline 		Please forgive me for offering my take on the situation here but as a human being, I cannot help but see something of a hidden motive in your prospective sub's behavior. It's very clear he has a strong impression from his ProDomme experiences and if not trying to top from the bottom, is at least trying to guide you to what he enjoys (or is familiar) indirectly. His reaction to your directives is also revealing and sends up a lot of flags in my view.

Your difficulty with refraining from communication for the next two weeks is a test of your own strength as much as it's a punishment for him. If you can keep that foremost in mind, it might make it easier to bear. You are also right about how you feel regarding who comes first. Any natural sub/slave would already know this and never challenge you. If anything, they might point out when you're being too generous (with respect).

I hope this helps.

anthrosub

_____________________________

"It is easier to fool people than it is to convince them they have been fooled." - Mark Twain

"I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to LadyMorgynn)
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RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 3:47:33 PM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMorgynn

Three words: Cut him loose.



I'm afraid that I agree with LadyMorgynn also.

I went through a somewhat similar experience, and no matter how much effort was put into making specific requests, or giving direct and specific orders, this man could not follow what was asked. It was not in his nature to do so, yet he also identified as a "submissive."

As much as he "thought" he was doing good, he usually did the opposite of asked, or had to do it completely "his" way, and definetly not how I had instructed. It was more frustration than any benefit the relationship could bestow upon us. His own obsessive personality, and selfish wants seemed to overshadowed anything regarding me.

He felt he gave his best, and he probably did...for what he could offer. He did provide "service," but not much else. My desire was for more, and he could only give...what "he" wanted to, as I saw it. It was not enough for me.

K

(in reply to LadyMorgynn)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 4:09:02 PM   
seaturtle50


Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings DommeBMFS,

While I am not a Domme, and do realize that you are specifically asking for input from Dommes, I take this chance of offering my suport to you. Please forgive me if I am being too forward.

I just felt the need to say that I agree with your perspective 100%. It is safe for you to trust your heart. What you have stated as right and proper seems to me to be absolutly appropriate, given the circumstances.

I cannot in any way understand the mentality of a proposed sub who feels qualified, to offer "alternatives" to their Dommes stated requirements. It is one thing to discuss limits with the Dommes permission, quite another to become "bitchy," "moody," "testy," and to not trust ones Domme completly, by the time the relationship has progressed to the point that you described. For me, (at least in theory as I am Domme less) behaving like that would completly undermine the delicous feeling that I have inside from the care and concern of my Domme in the first place.

You sound perfectly lovely, wonderful, and reasonable in all of your stated decisions and reasons for those decisions. Seems he should be quite honored by your attention.

"Why" is a three letter word for child.

If i can be of any assistance in speaking with him, from a sub perspective - giving him someone to whine to as you say, please feel free to point him in my direction. I would of course devote all of my time in any such conversation to pointing out to him that you do seem to be quite divine, and he very luck to have you. I must admit though, my inner voice tells me he cannot hear.

Please accept these comments in the humble manner in which they are offered.

michael

(in reply to anthrosub)
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RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 4:17:14 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
In my opinion it seems like he is used to getting what he wants (but calling it submission) by seeing pros and using money to control you. His purchasing things for you (that you did not request) shows that he's trying to impress and/or have you get a sense of obligation. He is used to having femdoms accommodate his desires and he is SO used to it, he doesn't even realize he's manipulating.

This one is best left to the pros. Some subs *can* be damaged goods from seeing pros too much.

And the "accident" he made -- probably was on purpose to try to earn punishment (attention).

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
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RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 7:25:33 PM   
DommeBMFS


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		I thank you A/all SO MUCH and I must tell Y/you that I'm getting overwhelming consistent feedback in this matter. VERY freeing so I don't dwell on this and get obsessive about it. I will be able now to more easily move forward in My natural dominance and keep My kind, humorous, loving, nurturing nature intact. *phew!*

This IS My first sub. Sometimes, I think I lean to slave. *sigh* In any case, I DO have the self-control NOT to contact him in these two weeks. I have the self-control to remain abstinent from sexual intercourse for YEARS so this is no big deal. :) I have been to Co-Dependents Anonymous. I keep Myself in good check. If I can't, I go to a good friend or objective resource such as Y/yourselves. I DO know that there are THREE sides to every story. Mine, theirs, and the TRUTH.

I will take all the comments into consideration and be happy if any would like to contact Me directly here on collarme (subs included IF you have no ulterior motive but to make a good, honest friendship, not woo Me.)

Yeah, part of My issues too is that I do not have a car and can't get out to meet real peeps for real face to face munches and such unless they agree to offer rides and such. This city sux for the scene. HAH.

BEST of the NEW YEAR to A/all!!

DommeBMFS
aka Miss Colette

_____________________________

Is abstinence and/or denial proportional to bitchiness? If so, GAWD help U/us A/all. If all are bitches, where are the Dommes?

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 8:32:39 PM   
MizSuz


Posts: 1881
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Collett,

Perhaps another perspective?

Sometimes, when we can let go of what we expected to create, we end up creating something completely unexpected but delightful none-the-less.

I do not know if your preference is for one submissive in your life only, if you are trying to create a significant other sort of relationship, or if you are attempting to create your first purely D/s dynamic. I don't have enough information, but I think it is important information in determining where you wish to go in this situation.

Sometimes the only thing that will do is someone who wants us to mold them into exactly what we want them to be. It's nice rhetoric, anyway. For me, in the final analysis it usually comes down to getting to know the submissive and deciding for myself where they can fit into my life. In getting to know them I learn their strengths and weaknesses and can assess their ability (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and fiscally - or any combination thereof) to contribute to my life and how I might fit into theirs. I don't fret too much if they're not everything I want in one person (few are). I accept what they are, what I have to work with, and give little to no energy to anything that doesn't work for me. If there is something they can't give that I'm looking for then I keep looking (why not have multiple people in your life who can address different needs and wants?) - but it doesn't mean I can't create an enriching relationship with this individual with what we have to work with. In learning this individual's strengths and weaknesses I also learn where it is not prudent for me to rely on them. In essense, if I'm thirsty I don't go to dry wells.

Consider your codependency work. You've probably learned what your boundaries are and how to police them, yes? So let's say that one of your boundaries is that you won't allow melodramatics in your life. This is not to say that "they" can't be melodramatic because you really can't control that; rather, it means you will not allow it in your life (which you do have control over). Then you meet someone whose company you usually enjoy but who is prone to melodramatics when upset. Do you cut that person out all together or do you clearly state that you will not participate in melodramatics and then distance yourself when the offending behavior appears? My experience says that the latter, given time, is an effective teaching tool with someone who wants to remain a part of my life. For those that can't deal with that, then we are not a match anyway. I've been known to disengage from someone for months simply because, although I cared deeply for them, I was not willing to go on their roller coaster ride. When we came back together it was with a clearer understanding of how we COULD work, and the submissive always has a much clearer understanding of how determined I am with my boundaries. Win/ win.

Money is power if we allow it to be. It can also be a form of energy. It's not uncommon for men who are excessively generous to think they are giving the only thing of value they have to offer. If you disagree then why grieve yourself over the inadequacy of what it isn't? You've stated your preferences, now be aloof about it. If he buys you things you didnt ask for and don't want then either don't use them or put them away and he never gets to see you wear or use it. When and if you split you can give it all back to him if it will make you feel better. Eventually he's going to get tired of spending money on things that not only don't get a reaction but that you could care less about one way or the other. Which means that eventually he will GET your point because you will SHOW him by example what your point is, rather than just bitching about it. Getting upset just gives the power struggle energy which will perpetuate the problem. Just...don't participate. Remember, the only real power you have is over yourself. Any power that he gives you is just that, him giving it to you. If you are arguing then there is no power being given, or at least not a sort you can accept. It sounds like he's trying to give one kind of power and you are trying to take another. You already know how to remain in your power simply by remaining in your integrity and accepting responsibility for what you do have control of - yourself.

I would have let the coffee and chocolates sit and go cold without touching it (well, maybe not the chocolate) and then asked him to throw it away for me while he was tidying up. If I'd put myself on restriction from chocolate then I'd tell him to either take it with him or throw it out. "Thanks but no thanks." The end.

For those submissives who feel the need to argue there is a thing called "Plug Therapy." In essence, if you find that what is coming out of their holes to be offensive then plug all the holes up until you have use for one. Eventually they will pay attention to learn what isn't offensive to you or they will move on, also not a match. No need to tax yourself over the process of teaching them.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I hear you say you are in power struggles with him and I'm not sure why you choose to participate. You have so many options for creating the environment you wish to live in, with him or without him, why would you participate in anything that is less than what you want?

It's possible for someone to try to top from the bottom without even being aware that is what they are trying to do (much the same as many dysfunctional people are energy vampires or walking victims). It's just the way they have always communicated. It's up to you to find a way to break that pattern and teach another way. It doesn't sound like bitching is working.

Alternatively, you could kick him to the curb and try with someone else. My bet is that you're just going to run into different shades of the same challenges. It's a universal truth that we draw our lessons to us. What do you think your lesson/s in this situation is/ are?



_____________________________

“The more you love, the more you can love—and the more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how many you can love. If a person had time enough, he could love all of that majority who are decent and just.”
- Robert Heinlein

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
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RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 9:21:53 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Sometimes, when we can let go of what we expected to create, we end up creating something completely unexpected but delightful none-the-less.


I think this, along with the rest of her post, is WONDERFUL advice.

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 10:10:13 PM   
DommeBMFS


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		:) thank you so much for the prompts, MizSuz. Great insight.

You ask: "What do you think your lesson/s in this situation is/ are?" I think I've learned a good lesson in JUST where My bdsm and natural woman's emotional, spiritual and physical areas are. I believe I've also learned a GREAT lesson in how to be more honest with Myself and him and WHEN to be honest (and how to present it) in future bdsm relationships. But, I'm STILL learning that one, as I have no other bdsm relations right now.

I am not just going for 'play' here. I'm looking to groom a boy for an eventual live-in, luv-in. My take on intimacy is that in ANY relationship-vanilla or kink- it takes at LEAST one year if not two to really know if someone is compatible for life. I wish to be monogamous. I am dominant all the time and have been for a long time. And I'm silly, funny, flighty and emotional too. I'm glad to be so. It's all in there.

I DO feel that 'time outs' are necessary in ANY relationship (vanilla or bdsm) where the power struggle gets heavy. I walk away and cool off, regroup and collect resources and objective viewpoints THEN re-address the situations. I take responsibility for My part and do My BEST not to repeat the mistake. I expect the other person to be as fully accepting of their responsibility and do their soul-searching if they don't know themselves. If I find myself or the other blaming, shaming, guilting...it's just not good for anyone and could lead to harm. So, I back off. I use time outs to EVERYONE's advantage, I hope.

Yep, I'm stepping back here and re-assessing his strengths and weaknesses. And I'm re-grouping my mental and spiritual strengths and boundaries. I am ALSO re-assessing my strengths and weaknesses and what My desires for this relationship are and where it might go. Oh, he IS delightful to Me and cherished SO much in SO many ways. Endearing, he is, but delicate, too. I acknowledge that I am also a delicate One, but commanding, nonetheless.
I will admit my dysfunction, and as is My way, I will acknowledge and break from operating out of it. It's damned necessary, don't you think? Yep, co-dependent policing, checking and re-checking honesty with one's self and others. Constant awareness of honest motives is mandatory on both parts and is NOT negotiable.

About the gifts: he's getting it...slowly, but surely. And I can certainly control my reactions to them. The coffee and chocolate? I simply said, "***, I did not ask for them, did I, dear? Nice thought, but no thanks. Try not to give Me what I do not ask for, ok?" Another example of how I handled some gifts was this; he brought a printer and a dvd player to the house (didn't tell him to.) I asked his permission to present them to My daughters as Christmas presents WITH the clear understanding that they are from him, but predominantly from Me. He agreed. So that's how it was. Also, I make it clear that I SHARE what he buys or that he is buying it for someone else, NOT for Me or him. And IF it is toys, lingerie, etc. I direct what we will buy and how it will be used. I explain clearly it's OURS and will NOT be used by Me for any other reasons or situations.

So, I HAVE considered many options for where I will go from here (thanks for asking). One is a fantasy of Mine that I've had for a while. I actually did this in a 'vanilla' relationship a while back where the guy had a difficult time staying hard and was VERY frustrated that he couldn't cum. We had a very intimate and relaxed time exploring kama sutra and tantric quite a few times. I've been doing kinky, dominant things all my sex life. I actually have techniques that I haven't used on him or anyone in bdsm play. I will not go into detail here. But, I'd be glad to share the plan one-on-one with a Mistress such as Yourself if you care to chat or mail sometime.

You say, "I think what I'm trying to say is that I hear you say you are in power struggles with him and I'm not sure why you choose to participate. You have so many options for creating the environment you wish to live in, with him or without him, why would you participate in anything that is less than what you want?

And My answer is this: The ONLY reason at THIS point I would care to continue to participate is that it is an excellent learning device for Me. He's My tool to play, experiment and learn on. :) That's My mindset, anyhow. Isn't the definition of a bdsm relationship an exchange of power? Aren't there going to be power struggles? Like I say, it's new and I really have no understanding of other playmates, but that could be in the future.

Best, Miss Colette (aka DommeBMFS)





_____________________________

Is abstinence and/or denial proportional to bitchiness? If so, GAWD help U/us A/all. If all are bitches, where are the Dommes?

(in reply to MizSuz)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/3/2006 10:43:26 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS

This boy, he's 52, we've spoken online for four months, dated six times. He's offered videos of what his interests are. We've had in-depth conversations about limits (long lists and explanations). He travels three hours one way to come to Me. He and I have stayed at hotels here and then I requested to see and visit his house. All done with that. I am sadist and dominant. He is masochistic and submissive (so he says).

I am NOT a rich woman. I live VERY modestly with one daughter. He does have means. I have made it abundantly clear I do NOT like gifts unless asked for and it is difficult to get him to stop bringing Me what I do not ask for. I am a VERY detail oriented person. I expect EXACTLY what I asked for, no more, no less. For example, I say, bring Me some tylenol. He brings coffee and chocolate too! I KNOW he's trying to be a good boy, but it pisses Me off. I HATE wasting good food/drink, and I didn't ASK for it. :( Down the drain it went and he was mad to boot, I think. Also, he keeps asking ..do you want this or that...and I keep telling him, IF I want something I will ASK for it.

Ok, now here's the REAL cuurent issue: he has seen prodommes a LOT. He offered to take us BOTH to one. I, of course, am a practical woman, I want to learn technique on hand. I agreed. Mistake! He just kept saying over and over again how HIS fantasy was realized. Oh , I've given in a lot to his fantasies, I fear. He is NOT used to life/style. I am VERY upset that he paid her and got his rocks off so to speak. All I wanted to do was learn. I feel like a whore....an unpaid one at that! I am jealous, and upset. I let him know it, too. Although I agreed to it, I'm not happy about it. And I will NOT make the same mistake again. But, I have residual issues, as a woman! He insists that he did it for us, that he had no ulterior motive. He insists that even though he offers videos and training tapes, he does it for us, not to just get his rocks off. BUT! I feel I am being trained to be the Domme he wants Me to be and I am NOT liking this feeling of being 'topped' from the 'bottom' in our learning. Is this unrealistic?

Now, he's bitching about a three hour drive, not getting enough sleep, stressing when I plan the schedule and activities from breakfast to session to shopping. ALL the time, I'm checking with him...I will have you home by such and such time, is that ok with you?
We will go here, any problem with that? And, if I have to rearrange some things, fine, I'm flexible. I pretty much go with the flow. But he gets bitchy, moody, testy and is NOT trusting Me. When he bitches he says, 'but I thought we were communicating'. Oh, he says he journals as I instruct him, he orgasms as I instruct him, he does his dancing and his ritual faith as I instruct him and I trust all that. Should I???

OK, so now..I'm taking the reigns again. I got womanly bitchy with him and told him I need to find female dominant friends and he needs to find other submissives to bitch with, not Me. I gave him strict instruction to send a thank you note from BOTH of us to the prodomme (She is also life/style with Her husband) and ask Her if She would mind if I had Her email address. At the same time, I gave him instruction to NOT communicate with Me for TWO WEEKS. That this is MY time to work out MY issues. Up to now, I've given him reasons for what I do. I don't feel that it's necessary any longer. I am getting bitchier as he keeps asking 'why'. I told him, NO MORE 'why', either you trust Me now or leave. He is so fearful that I'm breaking up with him. I am doing the separation for a damn good reason, like I do everything for My own damn good reasons and ALSO with him in mind- I'm considerate. But, now..I get this email, you see. I did NOT ask him to copy Me on the thank you note to the pro. Well, I now have Her email address without Her permission, My reasons for My specific instructions are MOOT! I am angry about this. And I really hope She isn't angry with him about it--but She's too nice anyhow and he's a paying client.

I want to send him an email back chastising him, but I FEEL I must keep the two week separation consistent. I feel like beating him silly so he will understand that I MEAN what I say...NO MORE, NO LESS! :(
I feel he's a spoiled boy, able to control his paid sessions. He says he wants the life/style, but I'm seriously doubting his true motives, even if he does not know them himself. I'm ALLOWED to be a bitch, a woman....deal with it, right? So, that's what I told him and he certainly doesn't like that. I told him to take two weeks and consider if he is truly submissive or just a player. I put ALL this in writing.

As I'm so new, I'm all silly and crying with doubt, but I DO feel in My Domme heart that I am RIGHT. MY fantasies, not his. MY whims, not his. MY pleasure and happiness comes first, not his.

Is there any advice you can give on this matter?



I see some dynamics going on here, but before I express them or my opinion regarding whether or not you should cut him loose, I'd like to clarify a few things:

1) Dommes have a fairly large pool of malesubs to choose from. What attracted you to this man in the first place?

2) Did you establish guidelines/rules with him early in the relationship that he later went on to violate more than once?

3) What is your method of punishing him for infractions, if applicable?

4) What specific guidelines did you set, if any, before the two of you sessioned with the ProDomme?

5) Please explain what you meant when you said "I have residual issues as a woman."

6) Please explain what you meant in your 2nd post "Sometimes, I think I lean to slave."

7) If you had a chance to do this relationship all over again and do just one thing differently, what would it be, if anything?

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 12:15:15 AM   
DommeBMFS


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/5/2005
Status: offline 		Hello subfever. *smiles kindly*

While I appreciate your interest, I don't feel obligated to answer any of your questions and some of them are already answered in the post, or my subsequent comments, I feel.

No, truly, I would like to hear your take on the matter without too much further comment from Me...you seem to have reviewed it well and perhaps you've had a chance to fully peruse My profile? If not, some of your questions about My style and approach might be answered there, too.

I will say one thing...no matter how I explain it ....and I could until I'm blue in the face...sadly, you'll probably never understand the residual issues as a woman. You're a guy and proclaimed submissive at that.

Best to you.



_____________________________

Is abstinence and/or denial proportional to bitchiness? If so, GAWD help U/us A/all. If all are bitches, where are the Dommes?

(in reply to subfever)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 6:05:45 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline 		After reading, what is a bit obvious, as "his" point of view on the situation (in another thread), I'd say that you both have communication issues.

This "she said, he said" stuff is enough to make your head spin.

I'm going to have to start my own posts with a disclaimer: "Based ONLY on the information presented, my opinion is....."

Things sure change when you hear both sides of the story!

I retract my previous post/opinion, and would suggest that you defer your two weeks of no contact, and either make the decision to cease communicating all together, or work together to get on the same page. Right now...based on the two threads...you're both heading no where, with each other.

Just my view.

K

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 6:18:54 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		It appears your boy is posting under a category as well, to air your issues between you like this here, IMHO demonstrates your immaturity and dysfunction in your relationship, you need to deal with this between you, not lining up people here---

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 6:51:10 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

It appears your boy is posting under a category as well, to air your issues between you like this here, IMHO demonstrates your immaturity and dysfunction in your relationship, you need to deal with this between you, not lining up people here---


I don't think it shows "immaturity and dysfunction," as much as it's very clearly two people that aren't communicating properly with one another, and they are only in the beginning stages of the relationship. She did at least admit "here," to being new.

Yikes...and I thought I was harsh sometimes with my own judgements of certain situations.

K

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 7:33:29 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan


quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314

It appears your boy is posting under a category as well, to air your issues between you like this here, IMHO demonstrates your immaturity and dysfunction in your relationship, you need to deal with this between you, not lining up people here---


I don't think it shows "immaturity and dysfunction," as much as it's very clearly two people that aren't communicating properly with one another, and they are only in the beginning stages of the relationship. She did at least admit "here," to being new.

Yikes...and I thought I was harsh sometimes with my own judgements of certain situations.

K



Poor communication in a relationship is always a dysfunction---IMHO--smiles

the problem is, read the two threads, they are vastly different in their interpretation--which indicates issues out of the gate--

and I didnt mean to be harsh but direct--




_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 8:54:25 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
Hmmm, as MHOO314 has pointed out, there are two sides here. I will just comment on your post where I think I might be somewhat constructive.

>I am a VERY detail oriented person. I expect EXACTLY what I asked for, no more, no less. For example, I say, bring Me some tylenol. He brings coffee and chocolate too! I KNOW he's trying to be a good boy, but it pisses Me off.<

Seems to me here, you are perfectly within your rights and he should get it.

>Ok, now here's the REAL cuurent issue: he has seen prodommes a LOT. He offered to take us BOTH to one. I, of course, am a practical woman, I want to learn technique on hand. I agreed. Mistake! He just kept saying over and over again how HIS fantasy was realized. Oh , I've given in a lot to his fantasies, I fear.<

Keep in mind that you've only met six (6) times.

>He is NOT used to life/style. I am VERY upset that he paid her and got his rocks off so to speak. All I wanted to do was learn. I feel like a whore....an unpaid one at that! I am jealous, and upset. I let him know it, too. Although I agreed to it, I'm not happy about it.<

Yes, you agreed to it, so the fallout is on you. He's been nothing but upfront here.

>Now, he's bitching about a three hour drive, not getting enough sleep, stressing when I plan the schedule and activities from breakfast to session to shopping. ALL the time, I'm checking with him...I will have you home by such and such time, is that ok with you?
We will go here, any problem with that? And, if I have to rearrange some things, fine, I'm flexible. I pretty much go with the flow. But he gets bitchy, moody, testy and is NOT trusting Me. When he bitches he says, 'but I thought we were communicating'. Oh, he says he journals as I instruct him, he orgasms as I instruct him, he does his dancing and his ritual faith as I instruct him and I trust all that. Should I???<

Asking us here on this message board if you should trust him is borderline ludicrous. The first step, it seems to me, is to know yourself and trust in what you do. Self confidence is the true starting point, worrying about what you cannot control only undermines this project.

>OK, so now..I'm taking the reigns again. I got womanly bitchy with him and told him I need to find female dominant friends and he needs to find other submissives to bitch with, not Me.<

"Taking the reigns again" and getting "womanly bitchy" simply do not comport. You cannot effectivly lead a sub when you're in a bad and disturbed mood.

>I'm ALLOWED to be a bitch, a woman....deal with it, right? So, that's what I told him and he certainly doesn't like that<

This is not dominance, no wonder you are having problems. "I'm ALLOWED to be a bitch, a woman....deal with it, right" ---No, that is completely wrong.

There is a little to much "he" and "I," --- "me" and "his" throughout your post. I don't think I saw one "our" in your whole post, and that's a problem.

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 10:26:12 AM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314
and I didnt mean to be harsh but direct--




I'm somebody that loves the "direct" approach!

K

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 10:37:32 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm glad I finally found the "other" perspective everyone kept mentioning.

My guess is this is still a very new relationship.

To the female dominant: Training takes time. It can be frustrating. It can mean changing and trying on new styles of training. It means breaking old habits and building new ones. Frustrating yes, but if this is the person you feel is worth the effort in the long term, then take it. Don't just lash out.

Also, yes it's good to take breathers and collect thoughts when things get heavy- but a two week absolute hold on all communication seems overboard. If you want a relationship that will work in the long term, you both have to WORK TOGETHER to do it, and this is a perfect opportunity to start that process. You might be the dom, but you are not the only one who can solve problems. In relationships everyone has to work to solve the issue.

As far as the pro goes, it sucks that it wasn't a great experience. But I don't think you can really say it was his fault or her fault. You'd never been to one and perhaps expectations were not understood.

As far as feeling like a whore, speaking as someone who IS a whore, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I think you should look inside yourself for why you reacted that way, and what that says about your own issues. You can easily train him to do or not do what suits you, but if honest intentions bring out these sorts of emotions in you, it will be something to examine.

To the male submissive: Improve yourself. Try and be as specific as possible with what you want and work into the submissive headspace of being pleasing and secure in your place of pleasing. Since this relationship is new, the fewer assumptions you make the better.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Need Advice- I'm Stuck and new :( - 1/4/2006 10:48:56 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DommeBMFS

I thank you A/all SO MUCH and I must tell Y/you that I'm getting overwhelming consistent feedback in this matter. VERY freeing so I don't dwell on this and get obsessive about it. I will be able now to more easily move forward in My natural dominance and keep My kind, humorous, loving, nurturing nature intact. *phew!*

This IS My first sub. Sometimes, I think I lean to slave. *sigh* In any case, I DO have the self-control NOT to contact him in these two weeks. I have the self-control to remain abstinent from sexual intercourse for YEARS so this is no big deal. :) I have been to Co-Dependents Anonymous. I keep Myself in good check. If I can't, I go to a good friend or objective resource such as Y/yourselves. I DO know that there are THREE sides to every story. Mine, theirs, and the TRUTH.

I will take all the comments into consideration and be happy if any would like to contact Me directly here on collarme (subs included IF you have no ulterior motive but to make a good, honest friendship, not woo Me.)

Yeah, part of My issues too is that I do not have a car and can't get out to meet real peeps for real face to face munches and such unless they agree to offer rides and such. This city sux for the scene. HAH.

BEST of the NEW YEAR to A/all!!

DommeBMFS
aka Miss Colette


I'd say that you may have gone too fast for your first relationship in BDSM.

I can understand the reasons for doing so and the desires that push us all to go fast. Goodness knows I've gone too fast myself and then paid the price emotionally for doing so.

I agree with others that its time to cut this relationship off. Then do some more exploring and go even more slowly than you did (and you went fairly slowly I'd say).


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to DommeBMFS)
Profile   Post #: 20
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