RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub?

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RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 9:24:53 AM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
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I agree with the chameleon comments.
Like a lot of Lifestyle Dommes, I'm not interested in switches. An easy way to tell is to give them simple structured tasks; switches will argue and not complete what subs and even straights sail through. It's also an easy way to winkle out the fake subs; I had a baaaaad feeling about one, and he failed his task, so he was blocked. Next thing I know, he contacts me under his other profile: 'Master Spanksalot' who's into rape scenes. Wankerrrrrr...

When I started decades ago, I thought switch+switch would be an easy solution for them, but apparently frequently in such a relationship one half wants their partner to be more dominant than they can be, and no one is happy.

L. Dommes also don't want anyone topping from the bottom, let alone panicking or freaking out during Correction; we calls 'em 'twitchy switchies' for a reason.

Hard to build the kind of trust required of a switch over the internet, so good luck.

(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 21

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 9:32:38 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
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I have no problem being vulnerable with anyone, much less a submissive. I am a whole person and want a whole person and vulnerablity is a part of the human experience. I doubt fear of vulnerability has a lot to do with whether a domina would consider a switch or not.

Personally I know that a switch isn't going to switch with me... therefore with me his needs may go unmet. If I do not wish to share, we have a problem. This is and has been a consideration I have had to get into. I just don't want those types of issues or dynamics.

Some switches are like some other's in general... We talk of submissive males who are in it all for the sex, no service and sex with anyone, online or in person... just give them some. Some dominant's are the same and some switches are too. I would not consider anyone who was just trying to get some from anywhere, anytime someone would.

I do however judge quickly someone who lists on their profile... every gender... every placement... every human being that can offer a spanking, blow job or sex. I don't even take a second look. A blow up doll would work. I just happen to think more of myself.

I would consider a switch, but it would have to be the right 'person' and situation for me. If there was a poly aspect to things... it would have to be the right one's for me or us. It all depends on the person... period.

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(in reply to Aneirin)

Post #: 22

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 9:42:21 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?

It's harder for ANYONE to find a dominant female than to find a sub female. There are tons of sub females out there; not so many dominant ones.

(in reply to Coemgen)

Post #: 23

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 9:57:04 AM

hereyesruponyou

Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline

When i was looking, i was more likely to respond to someone who labeled themselves as a switch than the too numerous to count Dominants who sent mail saying they weren't switches, but would just for me. Yeah right. It's different when it's a dominant you are already friends with who wants to play vulnerable once in a while. But for a Dom to ask a stranger to top him and make him submit? yeah. no thanks.

My mate is a switch but he is more a top/bottom switch than a D/s one. He's into sensation and fun rather than protocol. I have a stronger calling for that side, so i keep a pet to meet those needs.

As for being vulnerable or scared....funny comments. It shows strength for anyone to be vulnerable in front of another, not weakness. And i am certainly not afraid to let someone else have control, they just better damn well be good, or the respect factor gets in the way real fast.

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(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 24

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 10:18:37 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?

People want what they want, some want subs, some want slaves, and some want switches.

You say you haven't received much interest from dominant women other than the pro's...are you saying they are the only ones making first contact? If that's the case then I would say you are probably not experiencing much different than the bulk of male subs and slaves as well. Dominant women experience a deluge of mail on this site and rarely need to make first contact.

Our inboxes are full and we spend most of our time sorting through those emails and responding to those who have made and impression on us. Are you making first contact? Are you sending thoughtful emails that show you have read their profile and have some common interests? Are you making a good first impression?

Speaking only for myself, an email that says "hi, I'm a <insert orientation here> " and little or nothing else, is deleted and not thought about again. If there's a cock shot or some other offensive material included, i.e. "I would love for you to take me with your strap on" or some other crap, they are not only deleted but blocked.

Switches are wonderful fun for very specific people. A domme who likes to switch occasionally, a domme who is poly and likes to play with others, or a domme who just likes to watch others play may enjoy a partner who is a switch. A domme who is not a switch and is monogamous may feel that a switch will have a desire to play with others and that to take them as a sub would be limiting them and not fulfilling.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to Coemgen)

Post #: 25

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 12:32:43 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
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quote:

Like a lot of Lifestyle Dommes, I'm not interested in switches. An easy way to tell is to give them simple structured tasks; switches will argue and not complete what subs and even straights sail through.

I think that's a pretty unfair characterization, or at least an overgeneralization. As is obvious from many other threads in the "Ask a Switch" forum, the word switch means different things to different people, and the term covers a wide range of orientations. Some are very submissive in general, but able to top under specific circumstances. Many people who use the switch label adopt only one role with any individual partner. It doesn't have to mean that they will not be as submissive to you as any other submissive.

(in reply to Tantriqu)

Post #: 26

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 2:15:48 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u
~fr~

Regardless of the conjecture so far...

Most of us that are more naturally disposed as Dominant tend to be interested in those that compliment us, our essential opposites...male or female. We may consider a switch as a partner; but they would have to be even more exceptional than the subs that interest us, purely based on the fact that we cannot penetrate as deeply into their mindset as we would like.

Now this really intrigues me. I cannot help but wonder how one who is dominant cannot penetrate as deeply into a switch mindset as they can a submissive mindset. It seem odd since the difference is an occasional desire to be dominant, which is a mindset I should think most dominants ought to understand and be able to 'penetrate' into easily enough, even if they cannot take the submissive role to it. It really should be far more difficult to understand a submissive mindset, shouldn't it? In fact I know there is a recent thread in the "ask a Mistress" section in which a great number of Dominas say outright that they cannot understand why anyone would want to submit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u
...without going into detail, they are to serve me and my comfort in this life.

I cannot do this with someone who may randomly decide one day that he wants to play physically with another, as a Top. My life partner will be dedicated to me and only me...all others are either entertainment or a waste of time.

My toys are mine, I rarely share.

Ok, so what this seems to say is that Dominas (or perhaps just you) are simply too selfish to put up with a partner who has desires and needs that extend beyond serving them. Seems a bit shallow, but ok, it is your right. Seems a pity, though. I had always considered women to be the more empathetic of the genders, generally speaking. Seems that in specific, some Dominas check that empathy at the door when they pick up thier crop.

quote:

ORIGINAL: abytchgoddess4u
ETA: Those who mention 'fear' in regards to female Dominants are apparently in fear themselves. Fear of women in general, fear of strong women, fear of vaginas? Who knows? But they obviously don't understand Dominance.

Ahh, that would be me. I mentioned fear, because that is the exact word the Domina I know used when describing how she felt about showing any vulnerability in front of her slaves. And in response, I suppose I should say that I have a slave who is switch and who even has her own subs. I am not threatened by her 'switchiness' in the slightest. What is more, she is the person who mentored me as a dominant when I was first getting acquainted with the BDSM scene, and now she belongs to me. I am really very interested in hearing how you explain your way out of that one. Still think I "obviously" don't know dominance?

< Message edited by Maxwell67 -- 1/4/2009 2:16:54 PM >

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(in reply to abytchgoddess4u)

Post #: 27

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 3:40:50 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I am very cautious about showing vulnerability EVER, let alone in front of a slave. The last person I went down that path with decided that I wasn't a worthwhile candidate after all... That doesn't mean I am showing a stony face to the world, or even to the new prospects that I talk to. Orientation isn't a part of that.

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(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 28

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 3:55:56 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Even if I was to make you a pan of naniamo bars every day?

Seriously though, as a person who has switch tendencies, I know there isn't a problem finding myself a sub/pet though that isn't what I need at this time. Only because the switch in me isn't enough to warrant serious exploration. Yes it is more tough to find a dom though that is due to the specific qualities and traits I feel will suit me and viceversa.

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 29

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 3:56:54 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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*wishes Bearalicious liked... well, YOU know!

*

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Post #: 30

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:09:10 PM

PsyVamp

Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am a dominant who prefers switches, or other dominants. I have no submissive wiring, and anyone who thinks they can be the boss of me is sadly mistaken. When it comes down to it, I choose a PERSON, not their orientation. My former slave was a dominant for years, and he went back to dominance at some point after our separation.

I have come to view dominance and submission, topping and bottoming, as a fluid continuum. I have bottomed heavily, have been a bondage model in public demos, but no one questions that I am a dominant because that is who I am. If someone wants to serve me, I will examine that person's motivations, but if they are a good match for me, I don't care what roles they took in the past.

I too, look at the person and not their D/s orientation. My pet is a rather dominant switch who does his best to be My substitute slave. As LH says, as long as he isn't trying to be the boss, all is good in our world.

Lady Jag

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 31

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:15:42 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?

I haven't read through the replies yet, but I did look at your profile and I think that may have something to do with it.

"On the submissive side, I'm interested in strap-on play, foot fetish, body worship, watersports, face sitting, forced cross-dressing, and general services like brushing your hair or making you tea, etc. I'm NOT into the pain, leather, whips aspect of this lifestyle, so if that's important to you then I'm probably not your guy."

The above reads to me, not like someone who is interested in being submissive (i.e. giving up control to me) but rather someone who is interested in several types of play or fetishes and wants to try just experimenting or have them done to him. For myself, and possibly for other dominant women, this is not appealing. We want someone who doesn't come with a list of things they want done to them but instead a list of things they can do for us. I don't mean that it's all about menial labor disguised as service but I'd pick someone as a submissive any day who simply says "I want to serve and devote myself to a woman and find out what makes her happy and allow her to use me as she sees fit" over someone with a paragraph like you have. If what you're really looking for is some experience on the submissive side, that's my take on it.

Best of luck!

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to Coemgen)

Post #: 32

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:32:48 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

My slave is a switch but he leans more heavily toward submissive; his top needs can be satisfied a few times a year. He didn't introduce himself to me as a switch though but as a submissive because that is what he was looking for. He was focused on one relationship as a time and unless you plan to find another switch you can switch back and forth with, you may want to consider which type of dynamic you want to pursue first.

(warning: thread tangent to follow)

Oh my GODS!! You have a "slave" who is also a "switch" ? How can this be? But, it's impossible! (sarcasm...)

Thank you so much for posting this. It's getting ridiculous to read all of the "switches can't submit as deeply as subs can" posts. People, in all seriousness, get over the myth in your head that someone cannot be the most submissive of subs to one person and the most dominant of doms to another. There are no absolutes, it's all relative, and just because someone has the capacity to be both dominant and submissive within them doesn't mean they are wishy-washy, confused, or indecisive. They can stick to their identity as one or the other and sustain longterm D/s relationships without just up and deciding they feel the opposite of what they are supposed to be that day. Arg. And yes, I know some of you submissive females who would just "lose all respect" for your dominant if he submitted to someone else. Great, then make sure you're not with someone who would ever want to do that...but just because your perception of a person would change if you saw them being submissive doesn't mean anything about them would really be different. That's why they just keep it a secret...after all, with the number of dominant men I get emailing me that they secretly fantasize about being submissive, I know not all of the 100% doms out there can possibly have never had a desire to try the other side.

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 33

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:35:26 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am very cautious about showing vulnerability EVER, let alone in front of a slave. The last person I went down that path with decided that I wasn't a worthwhile candidate after all... That doesn't mean I am showing a stony face to the world, or even to the new prospects that I talk to. Orientation isn't a part of that.

That sucks that whomever you were with decided they could not handle your honesty. Vulnerability and honesty are much the same in my book. I have no problem showing all of myself to mine and I suppose that I am fortunate in this. Maybe it is a rare occurrence, but in my opinion, if you cannot be vulnerable with those you love, then you are better off without them. It is not an easy thing to be the one who makes the hard decisions, a position dominants usually find themselves in, and the stress does take its toll. Being able to show your softer side (note that soft and submissive are most definitely not the same, but even a Dom with a capital D needs a hug once in a while) is an important part of any strong relationship.

Now to clarify, I am not one of those men who think that every woman needs to be dominated and simply has not met the right man yet. That is a ridiculous notion. Some people need to be owned to reach their highest potential. Others do not. I want the ones who do. That is the type I seek.

In my opinion, if a person is switch, then what they need to reconcile is that they must also be polyamorous. It is impossible to be both owner and owned for the same person, that would muddy things far too much. In this lifestyle people need to have a very clear idea of where they stand in the relationship.

The switch woman who now wears my collar had some difficulty adjusting to it at first. I am not the selfish type, nor am I jealous. She did not understand that I wanted all of her and not just the submissive side, and even though I am not going to submit to her, it was important to me that she should have an outlet to feed her dominant needs when they arose. Integrating both sides was difficult for her and she has at times been resistant and even quite willful as a result. I think this is natural. I do not mind the struggle, and though it is sometimes painful for her it has made our relationship stronger. I believe it has made her stronger as well. I do not want her to be weak for me. What I want for her is that she should grow to be a fully actualized human being under my guidance. Yes I want to own her completely, but not to turn her into something she is not. It is my joy to see her become the very best of who she can be. I feel that owning another person is owning extremely high performance quality merchandise and comes with great responsibility. I take great pride in my ownership. Perhaps I am atypical of most Doms in that respect. I am perfectly capable of doing my own dishes... service of that type is shallow and hollow and not worth my effort to obtain. My ownership goes deeper than that. Mind you, I still want to get my blow job when I want it, yes, and I want her to stay still and take whatever pain I want her to take and then to thank me for it, sure, but those are perks of ownership to me, and not the reasons for it.

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Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 34

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:35:29 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I feel sorry for those domly doms who would lose their subs if they ever even BOTTOMED.

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 35

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:37:37 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Excellent post, Maxwell! And that guy is just a user type, who showed his true colours later in the game. Live and learn?

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Post #: 36

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 4:45:17 PM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Excellent post, Maxwell! And that guy is just a user type, who showed his true colours later in the game. Live and learn?

Thanks, and yes I agree with your assessment there. I am glad that you were able to learn and to move on. Congrats.

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 37

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 5:09:34 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

I'll agree with some of what has been stated above. Your profile reads more like a Dom with the desire to occasionally bottom than it does a switch. Finding a dominant female play partner is difficult all around, because those of us looking only to play are inundated with offers, and those of us not interested in just play are not in your option pool. You dont seem to offer much for your sub side, which is why you are getting very little return. Perhaps if you expanded your sub section to include what you would like to do for someone else rather than simply what you would like done to you, you might get more bites.

DV

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(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 38

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 6:18:58 PM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I feel sorry for those domly doms who would lose their subs if they ever even BOTTOMED.

Same here. But I've seen these words on this forum (can't remember by whom or which thread though...) "I would lose all respect for my master if I saw him submitting to someone else."

(note "submitting" may have been meant as bottoming or maybe not, I cannot say for sure.)

edited for damn punctuation marks. Do I need to put a "resident grammar Nazi" in my sig line?

< Message edited by DominaSmartass -- 1/4/2009 6:20:42 PM >

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 39

RE: Harder for a switch guy to find a dom than a sub? - 1/4/2009 6:20:42 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

quote:

ORIGINAL: Coemgen

I'm a switch male who's been on this site a while now. I've exchanged e-mails with several sub females and have even met a few of them, however I've yet to get any interest from a dom aside from the professionals looking for a donation. Why do you think this is? Why is it harder for a switch to find a dom play partner?

I haven't read through the replies yet, but I did look at your profile and I think that may have something to do with it.

"On the submissive side, I'm interested in strap-on play, foot fetish, body worship, watersports, face sitting, forced cross-dressing, and general services like brushing your hair or making you tea, etc. I'm NOT into the pain, leather, whips aspect of this lifestyle, so if that's important to you then I'm probably not your guy."

The above reads to me, not like someone who is interested in being submissive (i.e. giving up control to me) but rather someone who is interested in several types of play or fetishes and wants to try just experimenting or have them done to him. For myself, and possibly for other dominant women, this is not appealing. We want someone who doesn't come with a list of things they want done to them but instead a list of things they can do for us. I don't mean that it's all about menial labor disguised as service but I'd pick someone as a submissive any day who simply says "I want to serve and devote myself to a woman and find out what makes her happy and allow her to use me as she sees fit" over someone with a paragraph like you have. If what you're really looking for is some experience on the submissive side, that's my take on it.

Best of luck!

Funny, just recently I saw complaints about subs making the kind of statement suggested above. Dominas wrote that a sub saying he would do whatever a woman wanted was unrealistic, so the profile wasn't credible. The sub had to be either lying or incredibly naive. Others say that pleasing the domme is the only thing a sub should care about. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I see this all the time. Out of all the possible interpretations, the most negative one possible is usually chosen. The profile of the OP could easily be read as one which honestly lists likes and dislikes in the interest of making it easier for dominant women to ascertain compatibility; one that is straightforward instead of nothing but cliches that dommes want to hear.

A list of interests is what it is. Likes and dislikes. Information for the domme's benefit. Information that a dominant woman can use to determine compatibility, and/or to use to gain influence the sub in ways that she desires. It's prejudicial reading that turns it into a do-me list.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 40

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