|
harpomrx -> Domme/sub relationship difficulties (1/3/2006 6:50:53 PM)
|
I'm going through some difficulties, and I'm hoping somebody can help me through the moment.
I've been seeing Miss for about five months now. We live three hours apart and she has no transportation, so I'm the one who must do the driving - which I do gladly, even though it can get extremely tiring.
On her profile, Miss made an issue of having recently tested negative for all STDs; I hadn't been tested recently, but had no reason to believe there was any problem, and promised to get tested if she wanted. She accepted my statement of my recent history and we moved on.
At Miss's insistance, we went through extensive discussions of our likes and dislikes and of hard and soft limits, using several pages of checklists. I felt more comfortable discussing these things with her than I have with anybody else in my life, and she expressed the same sentiment. Things seemed to me to be going very well. Practically from the start, we had extremely open communication (or so I thought). And not just with bdsm - we were growing very close, and we both felt strong compatibility and affection.
Miss gave every indication of having a lot of bdsm experience. She spoke about a lot of activities authoritatively, and she spoke about what she expected of a sub in the same way. I have tried to follow her lead and be the kind of sub she wants - or at least I thought that's what I was trying to do.
I have grown to care for her a great deal, and she says she cares for me. The word "love" has been used meaningfully on both sides.
The first speed bump occured when we did a rather light session - she just tied me lightly to a chair and had me masturbate while watching one of my Femdom videos while she played with me. Then she had me lick her, through her panties, for ten minutes. I only found out later that this was her very first real session of any kind. Our previous time together was spent mostly talking and hugging and cuddling - all of which was wonderful. When she told me it had been her first session, I was surprised, but in no way upset. I thought, this is fine - we can grow together. In fact, how great!
It was a couple of weeks later, after some more cuddling and hugging that she tearfully told me she had herpes, and had been keeping it a secret from me. She was sobbing, clearly ashamed - I just held her and reassured her - I saw no reason to respond any other way. She wept and said that most men would be furious and throw her out - I just held her tighter. If I've got it I've got it and no amount of recrimination is going to change that. I said that obviously it was wrong of her to withold that information, but let's keep going, and I'll get tested and educate myself, and we'll move on.
A couple days later, we were talking; I should mention that she always has encouraged me to be honest. So I honestly told her that sometimes I get frustrated and cranky when I've driven hours to see her, have to drive hours home, and that that seems to go unnoticed - she uses our time as casually as if I had just driven a couple of blocks. I was quick to add that this was my problem, and that I would have to deal with it. She seemed okay with that. She was at my place at the time, and I was facing a three hour drive to take her home, followed by a three hour drive back to my place.
On the trip we talked a great deal more. It seemed to me open and honest communication.
The next night we were chatting online when she started to lash out at me, accusing me of being just a player and not a "true" sub, and accusing me of acting badly just to get her to punish me (she has never actually punished me, except verbally), of trying to train her to be the Domme of my fantasies, rather than accepting her natural Dominance over me - and of many other things as well. I was numb - I was completely blindsided.
I called so that we could talk on the phone instead of through instant messages, and she continued to lash out at me.
(Frankly, I think this was the influence of male doms she had just been consulting online - she sounded like a different person, like a male dom. I should add that, fair or not, I have a strong prejudice against male doms; most of them seem to me to be just assholes, plain and simple. In fact, she was aware of my prejudice - I made it plain when we were discussing hard limits. Seeing a woman subservient to a man is a very strong limit for me. She had placed herself in a sub position online, she said, just to experience what she though I should be going through. However, early on in the relationship I said that if she did anything outside our relationship, as far as I was concerned it was her business - but I really didn't want to hear about it. Bottom line - she seemed to want to treat me in the manner a male dom treats a sub he really doesn't give a shit about.)
Anway, she has now put me on a two week exile, during which time I have been instructed to get in touch with other subs to find out how a "true" sub should act. Hence this letter. I was also instructed to decide once and for all if I'm going to be her sub, or if all I really want is for her to do sessions with me - which she doesn't want.
I am still trying to figure out how I fucked up in her eyes. I thought we were building a very strong personal relationship, of which bdsm was one beautiful aspect.
And I am trying to adjust to the strong liklihood that I now carry an STD.
I truly care for this woman - and that's my real dilemma.
Doesn't anybody have any thoughts?
|
|
|
|
