RE: Married Male submissives (Full Version)

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housesub4you -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 4:52:28 AM)

I must have missed the meeting where others are allowed to define relationships other people are in.

I'm married, and I serve a Domme outside my marriage.  Nothing is done behind anyones back.  My wife enjoys BDSM in the bedroom, and realizes it is much more to me than sex.  So I serve someone else.

Most of the people I know in this lifestyle on a personal level, (either by serving them or just freinds) are married and have people serve them outside of their marriage.  Most of the Dommes I have serve are married and they had/have male subs serve them in their home. 

I think it's interesting the double standard placed on married men who serve a Domme outside of the marriage and married Dommes who have subs (male or female) serve them outside of theirs.

I have served married Dommes and prefer it, the whole sex issues is over with as that is not what either is seeking. 



SassySarijane -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 5:15:56 AM)

What you describe though isn't what we're bitching about, housesub4u. You are open about it not hiding it from your spouse. What we are talking about are the ones who hide it and lie about it and in most cases come out to be do me's looking for kinky sex on the side not submission and serving. If a person can't or won't be honest with their spouse, then how can the dominant expect honesty from them?



BondageBarbieX -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 5:51:13 AM)

My MasterDaddy was in a common law marriage when I met him and he kicked her out the day we met...I always felt bad about that. So now, as a rule ,I do not consider married Dominants because I do not want to be the cause of a marraige coming to an end and seriously guys should not cheat on their wives,it's wrong.



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 5:55:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: poisontears

I don't mean any disrepect to anyone, but perhaps you all are taking for granted what marriage is supposed to be.That's Generalising, and that's not what is said here. A marriage isn't a relationship that you are supposed to get bored of, and consequently move on from eventually to satisfy your needs. I read in your profile you're 25, and so have you been married for years yourself??? To know how hard it is to work on a marriage, and to not let it go down the drain??? If you have made a hasty decision and cannot fulfill the covenant, than you owe it to the other person to end the relationship with a divorce.There are all sorts and reasons why people get divorced, and not just because they we're hasty or 20 and thought they knew what they wanted for the rest of their lifes, people grow in different directions for one, and if that is not the same as your partner, then that can cause a break up sooner or later, or people can fall out of love, or people can discover that they are submissive, and truly want to try out Bdsm, and they never felt that before, and so they can stay, and ignore their feelings , or chose to move on, and see where that leads. Now Bdsm isn't wordly accepted, and that's where the pain lies, that so many men(and ofcourse also women), and I've spoken to very many of those, are scared to tell, and lose thier wife, or be thought off as a freak, nutcase, sicko etc. Because there is so much secrecy out there about Bdsm, people intend to judge way too quick. So that's why people will serve just online, and others will do it secretly in real life, that's their choise, and who are Wwe to judge them. As long as I know that he is married, so I can decide if I want to go through with such. ( which I won't because married men arent My cuppa T) I've had a married sub for 3,5 years,(yes his wife knew) but I felt like I stayed the third wheel on the wagon, so for Me it was time to move on, and wait on that person who is single, and is the one for Me. For the record, I'm only writing this because I was on the back end of being cheated on, and that is what I feel people are talking about. I understand where you're coming from. No one likes to be lied too, and Im no once free ticket to lie to anyone, simple because I don't want to b treated the same way. Like it or not, most of you are talking about lewd acts regardless if you want them to be or not. Anywho, I'm sure you all are adults and can make your own decisions, I just beg you not to break someone's heart.Its not My hobby, but sometimes it happends, simple because they feel for Me, but I dont feel for them, so ...but never deliberatly. I wish you enough poisontears. B safe.  GoddezzT`



T1981 -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 7:32:41 AM)

I'm very lucky. My husband and I were together for TEN YEARS before we got married last May, so we'd had all of the time in the world to realize not only our kinks, but to learn how to explore them together.

And that, for us, was the big thing. We found that BDSM was not only fun, but emotionally rewarding and brought us closer. It was a big descision for both of us to put up this profile on CM - we'd been talking about branching out for years, and had been seriously considering for close to 3 months by the time we actually did this. And we're both extremely open and honest and talk every day about this.

I have put in my profile, and it has been generally respected, that while I am the face of this operation (I'm the chattier one) that I am not interested in doing this without my husband present and participating, and the same goes for him. Anyone who is interested in playing with me is also going to be playing with him, vica versa, and we expect that people understand and respect that.

I feel so damn lucky to be here with that, and it makes me wonder why more married couples don't have that.



CatdeMedici -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 3:35:30 PM)

quote:

But dominant women don't even want to talk to you unless you're "available".
and I'm the bad guy because I have scruples? Or want more from life than a tryst?

You say that like we are a group of haughty bitches or we are supposed to--because we are Dominas--take on anyone who professes submission----the fcat that you may be in a bad marriage, married vanill awhen you wanted BDSM is not My problem, nor should it be--and it isn't new, for generations  men have had some reason to screw around but they seem to think that because we are in the kinky life style it allows the rules to go out the window and we should take you on--puhleex.
 

quote:

You can look at it as wanting to "have your cake and eat it too", but I think that's an oversimplification.
[/quote]  So give Me one good reason why this isn't pretty much the scenario? Especially when there is deception out of the gate? I mean isnt the whine that "I want BDSM too a bit of a rouse?" I ask, have you talked to your wife about this and if she isnt in agreement or you are too afraid, well, I'm really sorry, I'm not you local prostitute.
 
quote:

Or at least, a refusal to truly acknowledge what's at stake.
  So DO tell me what's at stake and why you expect Me to ease your need? or better, help you release your roving wanker. I am all ears...




E2Sweet -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 3:51:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

...  This was how I developed the standard rule for anyone who's married.  Yep, I get to meet the spouse, tell them what the activities are going to include, and gage the reaction.  You'd be amazed how many scamper off with their tail between their legs ...


I've learned very recently in conversation with a female dominant whom I'm very close to, that this is a fantastic way to eliminate a lot of unnecessary drama in the search for a casual partner. This seems to work wonderfully.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 3:53:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: E2Sweet

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

...  This was how I developed the standard rule for anyone who's married.  Yep, I get to meet the spouse, tell them what the activities are going to include, and gage the reaction.  You'd be amazed how many scamper off with their tail between their legs ...


I've learned very recently in conversation with a female dominant whom I'm very close to, that this is a fantastic way to eliminate a lot of unnecessary drama in the search for a casual partner. This seems to work wonderfully.



It's tremendously helpful!  I have NO problem playing with married men when there is no lying and sneaking involved. 



CatdeMedici -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 3:56:51 PM)

quote:

It's tremendously helpful!  I have NO problem playing with married men when there is no lying and sneaking involved. 



HELLOOOOOOOOO MEN, HELLOOOOOOOO WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!

edited to add, men look its called HONESTY



cloudboy -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 4:03:09 PM)


I always like the Roches on the subject of THE MARRIED MAN.



CatdeMedici -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/6/2009 4:58:01 PM)

Why is it you gripe about marrying the wrong woman but always seem to find the right mistress? pffttt



OttersSwim -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/7/2009 2:03:18 PM)

My first in person meeting with my Lady was a dinner with her, myself, and my wife.  We both insisted on it.  They like each other, they go shopping together and provide support. 

It makes me sad that hiding, lying, and cheating is such a common socialized feature of males in many cultures. 

The gulf between "male" and "man" is wide and I believe it is best taught to us by women...



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 12:20:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
My first in person meeting with my Lady was a dinner with her, myself, and my wife.  We both insisted on it.  They like each other, they go shopping together and provide support. 
It makes me sad that hiding, lying, and cheating is such a common socialized feature of males in many cultures. 

The gulf between "male" and "man" is wide and I believe it is best taught to us by women...


Well Otterswim,

consider yourself lucky, because the majority isn't
that openminded, and therefor fear rules
of being judged badly for having submissive feelings.

I wish you enough.

GoddezzT`



guarddawg -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 1:50:48 AM)

There's also the fact that we change and evolve in what we need and desire as individuals as we grow older. A person that we fell in love with several years ago may now be someone who is quietly driving us completely insane and refuses (intentionally or not) to listen to what we say.
  Twelve years ago, I thought I had found someone I was comfortable with. Something drove me to want to protect and provide for her. Before long, I found myself taking care of everything she wanted while she stayed at home. I was constantly bending over backwards to provide, especially since she was pregnant. Half way though our marriage, things went south when I found myself being pulled in too many directions and trying to fix the mess' she had made of our finances that I was going insane- depression     and anger at the situation had set in. During a conversation, my wife claimed to be submissive and wished for me to be her dominant. While I did my best to be what she wanted me to be, I didn't FEEL dominant in any way and often had my attempts thrown back in my face. 2 years passed of my trying to be what she wanted me to be, and my constant failing (which she was very often pointing out to me).  I was on the verge of being classed as clinically suicidal.
    About that point, my wife encouraged me to be collared to a mistress friend of hers in hopes that I would 'learn' to be the dominant that she wanted me to be. It back fired on her when I found I loved being submissive, that I found what I was needing and for once in a very long time felt whole. One problem that arose was that my spouse found most of what I did as a submissive (or just my being submissive) to be "disgusting"... even if it was taking care of her in much the same way I would my dominant. Things have now progressed to the point that although my spouse claims this undying love and loyalty for me, I am still constantly picking up after her, and frankly being around her is down right annoying. Beyond that, I feel almost nothing for her. Now I find the only real pleasure of any kind is when I am in service to my Owner. Part of me wants to claim that I still love my spouse, but my soul screams that I am in love with my Owner.

I think I have lost track of what I originally was going to say so am going to go for a walk now.

  



BitaTruble -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 3:00:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OneMoreWaste

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal
I have very little respect for those guys.  They marry a woman who is all wrong for them (or who they think is all wrong for them), then they constantly cheat. 


Why, because they couldn't see through a lie? Because they let their hopes and dreams cloud their cynical judgement? Because they made decisions while they were young and naive? Just what makes you so much fucking better than us?



Lashing out at Kal for his opinions is not going to alleviate your bitterness and self-loathing. Making someone your dirty little secret isn't going to alleviate your pain. Cutting yourself is a superficial outside pain that is strictly temporary in nature and it's not going to fix what ails you on the inside. If you need someone to talk to, been there, done that.. I'm on the other side and offering up a hand if and when you want to try to crawl out of the darkness. You're not alone .. just saying.



nafakcha -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 3:42:08 AM)

First, this topic applies to both genders as well as both Dominants and submissives. Anyone can be married and choose to not disclose it to their spouse. Some are lucky enough to be able to disclose it to their spouse.

There are many reasons why people choose not to tell. Some people didn't know about the lifestyle and are now discovering it. It is hard to decide to divorce your spouse if you don't entirely know what you are divorcing them for. (Or for that matter tell your spouse if you don't entirely understand the topic being discussed.) Spouses as well as children could be dependent on you. In every marriage people evolve. That doesn't mean they evolve together, that where you are 5 years after you got married is not necessarily where you were when you got married.

I am not saying that ethically it is on the up and up. However, for those people that are deciding and are not just trying to have as many flings as possible, I try to reserve judgement on them until I know more about them, their morals and how they came to that decision.

As a submissive, bi-sexual female, I would say a third of the messages I get are from married dominants. I have honor of calling some friends. I have several friends who are in the process of getting a divorce for a variety of reasons. They all in some shape or fashion, whether with consent or not, tested the waters they were about to enter and then they carefully evaluated their experiences. I also have other friends that choose to stay married with varying degrees of disclosure.

My one major requirement in life is that people be happy. If you aren't happy figure out why and work on it. I am not going to judge someone because they are figuring out what they want. I try very hard not to judge other people's decisions because what works for them may not work for me or you.

Keiko



GoddessTeaze -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 7:47:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: guarddawg

There's also the fact that we change and evolve in what we need and desire as individuals as we grow older. A person that we fell in love with several years ago may now be someone who is quietly driving us completely insane and refuses (intentionally or not) to listen to what we say.
Twelve years ago, I thought I had found someone I was comfortable with. Something drove me to want to protect and provide for her. Before long, I found myself taking care of everything she wanted while she stayed at home. I was constantly bending over backwards to provide, especially since she was pregnant. Half way though our marriage, things went south when I found myself being pulled in too many directions and trying to fix the mess' she had made of our finances that I was going insane- depression     and anger at the situation had set in. During a conversation, my wife claimed to be submissive and wished for me to be her dominant. While I did my best to be what she wanted me to be, I didn't FEEL dominant in any way and often had my attempts thrown back in my face. 2 years passed of my trying to be what she wanted me to be, and my constant failing (which she was very often pointing out to me).  I was on the verge of being classed as clinically suicidal.
   About that point, my wife encouraged me to be collared to a mistress friend of hers in hopes that I would 'learn' to be the dominant that she wanted me to be. It back fired on her when I found I loved being submissive, that I found what I was needing and for once in a very long time felt whole. One problem that arose was that my spouse found most of what I did as a submissive (or just my being submissive) to be "disgusting"... even if it was taking care of her in much the same way I would my dominant. Things have now progressed to the point that although my spouse claims this undying love and loyalty for me, I am still constantly picking up after her, and frankly being around her is down right annoying. Beyond that, I feel almost nothing for her. Now I find the only real pleasure of any kind is when I am in service to my Owner. Part of me wants to claim that I still love my spouse, but my soul screams that I am in love with my Owner.

I think I have lost track of what I originally was going to say so am going to go for a walk now.

Hello guarddawg,
What a complex situation are you in. And I admire your openness here on this forum.

There are a few question I've regarding your responds.
First of all, I don't understand your add.
It states that you're a switch, and seek a subbie, which contradicts with this story you've just written.

Second of all: your partner did a real mindspin on you, didn't she? And in My eyes, that doesn't suit her one bit. she wanted a Dom, and so you should b one... did you have any say in this? or did you think this over? To Me it sounds that you let yourself being led by her, and by what she wanted. And her telling you how you got it thrown back in your face whatever you tried.
(all this sounds so wrong, more abusive then anything else)

The third thing which is wierd to read that, since you've discovered you're happier as a sub, and therefor being yourself disgusts her...????
Wotafuck.... she wants to be a sub herself, how on earth can it be discusting when the one she so claims to love happends to be a submissive disgusts her?

while she is a submissive herself? To Me that doesn't add up one bit.

To Me it sounds that she tops her ass off, in telling you what to do or not.

So answer Me this, why on earth would you Top if that's not what you feel is right for you? Only to please others? Is that true submission? or forced topping...?

At the end of your writing you say that you don't feel anything
for her anymore, so My idea is, she emotionally drained you
for her pleasure, and tell Me when I think wrong,
you also wrote that you've had many issues,
with depression, and even suiecidal,
how are you on that path?

Did she support you to help you getting out of that?

After reading your story here it doesnt sound strange to Me
that your flame for her died.
Maybe it's time to move on,
and start to worry about your own life,
and live it the way you want to live it,
instead of trying to please others which
doesn't make you happy,
eventhough your submissive.

Find the happiness within yourself.

That's where it lies.

Whenever you would to talk about this in private,
feel free to email Me.

I wish you enough.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`





cloudboy -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 4:13:57 PM)

quote:

One problem that arose was that my spouse found most of what I did as a submissive (or just my being submissive) to be "disgusting".


Unmarrieds (usually its the unmarried) tend to think that marriage can be, should be, must be an everything proposition.

Marrieds should always be honest. Marrieds should never cheat. If I were married, I would want/do this.....etc.

Real life marriage is more complicated, and its perfectly natural to have needs outside of the marriage and elements about oneself that get stifled in a marriage.

I think liberation comes from recognizing that flawed individuals with basically good intentions can't always carry the load of what marriage is supposed to be, namely life-long monogamy between perfect soul mates who remain erotically connected and satisfied for multiple decades.

My wife said the same thing about me and my orientations when she found out about them many years ago, but now that we've grown a little older she's mellowed and opened up a bit. Each of us goes outside of our marriage for our respective D/S needs, and in some ways our compromise with each other is working -- helping us stay married.



Gwynvyd -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 4:22:54 PM)

I have not read the other responses.. however I do know this.

No man can serve two masters. ~ Even the bible says it.

A Married male sub already has a Mistress.. their wife.

The ones I have ran into where pussy whipped by their wives already. ( They chose pushy bitchy women to marry ) They just simply are not having the fun kinky sex they crave.

I would not touch one with a 10 foot pole. You are looking for issues.

Women are territorial bitchy creatures. Married women seem to be worse. It is like a hormonal change happens at signing the marriage documents.

Never mess with another womans rhubarb.

Gwyn,
Who knows from experiance.



cloudboy -> RE: Married Male submissives (1/8/2009 4:40:32 PM)

quote:

Women are territorial bitchy creatures. Married women seem to be worse. It is like a hormonal change happens at signing the marriage documents.


You make some good points. The main stressor in my arrangement is managing jealously issues.

Still, given what you say above, how do you explain that women cheat on men in the same proportion? (So the studies say.) And male spouses don't react all that well either......

Also, there's plenty of risk and problems associated with dating, seeing, or otherwise involving yourself with single people. And, one advantage a married person brings to the table, they don't want to marry you. With a married person, you know that your relationship will never get over domesticated and you'll know the relationship doesn't have to meet lofty, unattainable ideals --- and that the point of seeing one another isn't money, family, status, or the day to day necessities of running a household.

Frankly, if you meet a married person with permission, you'd be remiss not think twice about enjoying all the advantages he can bring to the table. (This is not to say that there aren't pitfalls, but there are pitfalls with everyone if you look hard enough.)




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