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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:30:12 AM

RCdc

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JFYI - you or Steve will be unable to delete the thread. It's not possible after an hour.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:30:40 AM

SteveAndJaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteveAndJaz

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

It depends whats been said, if people are ignoring them it doesnt matter much

Its not that simple colourdin.... This caused such a ruck at one stage that it threatened our relationship. This was nasty vindictive stuff that was aimed to cause damage and very nearly did.

Its never just that simple, I have had horrific stuff said about me and it affected my relationship with many people. I got some great advice on here if people believed it they werent worth getting my knickers in a twist over, its totally 100% their loss.

I agree with you 100% but I still get my knickers in a twist

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:33:26 AM

colouredin

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Ahh so do we all, and you can. Allow yourself to feel angry. The thing is we all think we will feel better if we shout at the person, but actually after getting over the initial fury it is more empowering to rise above it. I know its a cliche but act untoucable even if thats not how you feel because eventually people will stop trying.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:34:00 AM

SteveAndJaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

JFYI - you or Steve will be unable to delete the thread. It's not possible after an hour.

the.dark.

SayWHAT????

Well lets just hope he's cool!!

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:35:04 AM

sirsholly

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one thing i keep thinking is Jim would be very upset with me if i ever rushed to his defense while he chose to ignore the situation. It is not a D/s thing but rather a husband/wife thing. He would feel rather small (? for want of a better word) to have his wife defending him.

I can hear him now..."damnit holly..if i thought it was worth a battle i could certainly have fought it myself"

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:35:32 AM

DiurnalVampire

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteveAndJaz

Am I over protective ? How would others feel in the same situation? Do you feel highly protective towards your partner?

Maria

Online I do not worry about what is said to Fox in the slightest. He is, as you said of your partner, a big boy and he is more than capable of taking care of things in the virtual world. There has never been anything said, nor will there be anything said, online that can concern me enough to do more than put someone on hide and move on to another thread.

Face to face is a bit different. I am super protective face to face, of Fox and of our close friends Angel and Silk. Why? They are family. Thats all the reasoning I need. In reality I would fight to the death for my family. Online, they can fight their own battles even if that means leaving. We have enough to worry about in real life that what goes on online doesnt warrant stress. I am the heavy when it comes to intimidation for Fox, though, be it on the phone with a supposed "lender" to a brute on campus who was drunk and looking for trouble. Though many people would have greatly enjoyed watching me thrash that boy that night, he was bright enough not to carry the threat too far, but I would not step down.

DV

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:36:08 AM

RCdc

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Pffft.... just ignore colouredinones advice and forgo knickers instead... no twisting then, case solved!
*smoochies colouredinone bigly*

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:38:55 AM

colouredin

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ohh look at that I got a smooch from the.darkness i feel all warm inside.

I like your knickerless idea, that would solve so many problems (like washing them for one)

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:40:56 AM

Lordandmaster

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Yeah, I think it's MUCH worse when someone's S.O. jumps into the fray and starts defending his or her loved one. That becomes drama squared.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:41:08 AM

myotherself

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I've been slagged off online and on the other side through cm mail, and unless it's someone I respect, then their opinion is worth nothing and I can laugh off their tantrum.

However in my local bdsm community there is one guy who is causing all sorts of problems for a very dear friend of mine. This guy and I had a very brief relationship (less than a month) and it all ended badly, so he and I are not on good terms. Actually, he wants to be my best buddy, I don't like or trust him. At munches and stuff I just ignore him. I don't gossip about him, I don't sit there giving the evil eye, I just ignore him.

But it turns out he spread some malicious lies to a sub my friend was talking to, with the result that this sub got cold feet and stopped talking to my friend. I believe it was done in a childish attempt to get back at me through my friends. My friend talked to this guy calmly at the next munch, and asked him why he had done it. The guy spluttered and got all tongue-tied and didn't give any kind of answer. My friend retained his dignity and walked away.

I wanted to go over and head-butt this guy, but I didn't only because my friend asked me not to. I was mad as hell, and it really made me feel ugly inside. I'm still mad at this guy, but I refuse to get drawn down to his gutter level. I will retain my dignity and my respect in the local community.

He has to wake up every morning knowing what a total wanky-tosspot-shit-for-brains he is. That's punishment enough.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:44:00 AM

YourhandMyAss

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Not over online crap, but in real life I am very protective and I do want to protect him,, but in this case my over protectiveness is, I feel justified, because the people I am most over protective of him with, are his unhealthy family.

Daddy has a history of poor mental health, even being suicidal in the past, and his family knows that, and they know that he's a private person and likes to keep to himself. They still insist on getting in the middle of everything he's doing.

His family has tried to pry into our relationship and break us up on more than one occasion, even going so far as to tell him off about what a waste of time coming to see me is, when he'd come home from my house, and their meddling and sometimes out right insensitivity, all in the name of "we care for you and want the best for you, and we're just looking out for you" has made him have emotional break downs a time or two.

I intensely dislike his sister in law and his brother for all their meddling and the stress they caused him and the mental break downs they helped to cause. If it was up to me, David and Suzanne would be banned names from ever being mentioned around here And I'd frown on hiim trying to build or maintain any kind of relationship with them, since they tried so hard to seperate us, and control him and his actions in the past.

Suzanne even went so far as one time to tell Daddy, that if he didn't abide by her rules of when we could talk and when we couldn't when her kids were around, he could move out. That I can kind of understand because she felt he did a poor job of watching the kids, cause we were on the phone 4 or 5 times a day, but thing is, the things she blamed him of letting the kids do, happend while we were not even on the phone.

Daddy would be in the kitchen making lunch, and one of the kids would be in the back destroying something. And then Daddy was blamed.

. They will never be welcome in my home either, if Daddy and I got married, and if I DID tolerate them coming over they'd better not have shit to say to him about how our house is run, or the things that go on in the home.

The ONLY saving grace, is that David runs the restaurant in Dixon, and if the MAry's here in Roseville keeps shitting on Daddy and not treating him as the valuable employee he is, David will put the wheels into motion for Daddy to work at Dixon, and since David is the manager, Daddy knows he won't be shit on and taken for granted* ok well we hope he won't be*

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteveAndJaz
Do you feel highly protective towards your partner?

Maria

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 1/8/2009 9:47:42 AM >

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:53:43 AM

SteveAndJaz

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quote:

thread.

Face to face is a bit different. I am super protective face to face, of Fox and of our close friends Angel and Silk. Why? They are family. Thats all the reasoning I need. In reality I would fight to the death for my family. Online, they can fight their own battles even if that means leaving. We have enough to worry about in real life that what g

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteveAndJaz

Am I over protective ? How would others feel in the same situation? Do you feel highly protective towards your partner?

Maria

Online I do not worry about what is said to Fox in the slightest. He is, as you said of your partner, a big boy and he is more than capable of taking care of things in the virtual world. There has never been anything said, nor will there be anything said, online that can concern me enough to do more than put someone on hide and move on to another thread.

Face to face is a bit different. I am super protective face to face, of Fox and of our close friends Angel and Silk. Why? They are family. Thats all the reasoning I need. In reality I would fight to the death for my family. Online, they can fight their own battles even if that means leaving. We have enough to worry about in real life that what goes on online doesnt warrant stress. I am the heavy when it comes to intimidation for Fox, though, be it on the phone with a supposed "lender" to a brute on campus who was drunk and looking for trouble. Though many people would have greatly enjoyed watching me thrash that boy that night, he was bright enough not to carry the threat too far, but I would not step down.

DV

I know your right and Im kicking myself as I type this!

Normally I/we would look on cm once a day, because we are far too busy with other stuff.... mainly work but because I have had this dreaded flu I have spent the last two days in bed with the laptop as my companion. I have got myself overly involved and upset about absolutely nothing and the worst of it is, I have been taking it out on Steve.

I think he will go mad. I hope he wont but if you don't see me for the next few days, weeks, months then send out a search party.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 9:54:52 AM

RCdc

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quote:

But it turns out he spread some malicious lies to a sub my friend was talking to, with the result that this sub got cold feet and stopped talking to my friend. I believe it was done in a childish attempt to get back at me through my friends. My friend talked to this guy calmly at the next munch, and asked him why he had done it. The guy spluttered and got all tongue-tied and didn't give any kind of answer. My friend retained his dignity and walked away.

I have attended munches. And I have been subjected to the otherside - in other words, the negative words of others about someone else I hadn't met as yet. I just tell them - politely - to shove it quite frankly. I make my own decisions about someone, not listen to second hand gossip. If people are gossipping, that already gives me a good indication on the person doing the gossiping already. If they are happy to talk about others, then I am aware they may do the same about me. So I don't bother with them.
Seriously, anyone who listens to gossip and gets cold feet because they haven't the mind of their own, then they aren't worth the trouble anyway. I never see the point of stressing over others inability to make their own decisions.

If your at a munch, and someones gossiping, then by listening or just trying to be polite and nodding along until they shut up is just perpetuating it. Tell them your not interested - be proactive in making gossip and attempts to 'blacklist' and other such crap unacceptable.

the.dark.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 10:06:17 AM

SteveAndJaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

If your at a munch, and someones gossiping, then by listening or just trying to be polite and nodding along until they shut up is just perpetuating it. Tell them your not interested - be proactive in making gossip and attempts to 'blacklist' and other such crap unacceptable.

the.dark.

I second this. Gossips are people that are trying to remain popular with everyone. I know a couple of scene people that if I need to spread some news quickly (nothing malicious) then I will tell them with the added words 'please keep this under your hat for now'! because I know they will spread it like wild fire!

I will always put a gossip on the spot by saying 'why did you tell me that?'

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 10:19:25 AM

housesub4you

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Well, are you no worse for doing the same thing you accuse others of doing?

Hell, it's a free(well sort of world) and either fight or flight.

You complaint is one sided thoughts, seems to me you are doing the same thing here.

This is a pubilc forum which can be taken outside of this forum and presented.

Hell, let it go and move on,

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 10:29:48 AM

SteveAndJaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: housesub4you

Well, are you no worse for doing the same thing you accuse others of doing?

Hell, it's a free(well sort of world) and either fight or flight.

You complaint is one sided thoughts, seems to me you are doing the same thing here.

This is a pubilc forum which can be taken outside of this forum and presented.

Hell, let it go and move on,

presented to who?
I mentioned names and even if these people did read this I would be more than happy that they were aware that I know about it.

All complaints are one sided. When my mum tells me the lady in the grocery store was rude to her she does not add ' but I can see how she felt because I was rude to her too'.

anything we say here could be taken out of this forum in one way or another and used to harm someone, if there was a malicious enough person to do that. We may as well not write anything.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 1:20:42 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I will defend my friends against attack, but by and large, I just blow off what gets said on the internets.

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 1:25:40 PM

kittinSol

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteveAndJaz
Normally I/we would look on cm once a day, because we are far too busy with other stuff.... mainly work but because I have had this dreaded flu I have spent the last two days in bed with the laptop as my companion. I have got myself overly involved and upset about absolutely nothing and the worst of it is, I have been taking it out on Steve.

That's precisely what I was touching on. When your life has become intertwined with online drama, it's time to take a big step back (or two. Or even three.).

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 3:02:58 PM

SteveAndJaz

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Steve here..

First things first, dont panic Jaz.... im not going to kill you for posting this.

In fact... I love you more ;-)

Now... I am thick skinned and dont break easily so the crap thrown my way easily washes off. The post I put up was interesting because it challenged some of the old hands here; I didnt expect the reaction I got to what was really quite a general point of discussion but the replies and comments offered have made for some interesting reading and have helped me form a beter qualified oppinion of those people. Now i know who to listen to and who not to.

This and every other action is part of our journey.

I am proud of Jaz for stepping out here and being her true self. She has at last found somewhere where she can be herself and not have to take the line that everyone else wants her to.

Steve.

< Message edited by SteveAndJaz -- 1/8/2009 3:04:37 PM >

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RE: Can you stand back and watch your partner get slated? - 1/8/2009 3:21:24 PM

RedMagic1

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Perhaps I am one of the ones you no longer see a reason to listen to. However, if I still am.... It is seldom a good idea to air relationship problems on a message board, and it seems even less wise to me to allow the casual writings of strangers to have any more effect upon you than a mosquito bite.

Usually, when someone asks here for advice on a relationship, the relationship is more than halfway over. Previous posters on this thread are diplomatically asking you to be careful. The two of you might want to have an Official Discussion(tm) about boundaries, and what is and is not appropriate to present to the public.

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