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Fire Within - 1/10/2009 8:49:35 PM   
Godsofold


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		Hi all. I'm wondering, specifically, what are some of the ways that you bring out the "fire" or "sexual" drive within your sub/slave?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 9:24:24 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsofold

Hi all. I'm wondering, specifically, what are some of the ways that you bring out the "fire" or "sexual" drive within your sub/slave?


Two thoughts on this:
  1. Are you sure there is any spark or glowing coals to start with? If not it can take a long time to find the ignition point and start a faint glimmer, assuming you don't get an explosion of passion.
  2. If she hasn't sparked when being with you or the thought of being with you, go to point #1 above.
Honestly, we'd need more information on your relationship with the sub/slave, unless this is an academic question.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Godsofold)
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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 9:43:16 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I send her a picture of my cock.  Female submissives love that.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to IronBear)
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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 9:46:41 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		Fire within... hrmm...

Well, if it burns when she pees, you two might want to get it checked out.


_____________________________

HBIC



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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 9:51:53 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsofold

Hi all. I'm wondering, specifically, what are some of the ways that you bring out the "fire" or "sexual" drive within your sub/slave?


Get to know her mind and find out what makes her tick.  If that fails, slam her against the wall and take it anyway.  (kidding)

(in reply to Godsofold)
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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 9:54:26 PM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline 		It might make more sense to find a submissive before you start worrying about how many ways you plan on fucking her. 

_____________________________

HBIC



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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:01:26 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsofold

Hi all. I'm wondering, specifically, what are some of the ways that you bring out the "fire" or "sexual" drive within your sub/slave?


This might be one of those "If you have to ask" questions.

Good luck, and have fun!

(in reply to Godsofold)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:07:02 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		If you're not pulling out the fire extinguisher because her fire is too hot, instead of not hot enough, then you're doing it wrong.


Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

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RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:11:10 PM   
Godsofold


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

Are you sure there is any spark or glowing coals to start with?


IronBear, thanks for the reply. Yes, there are plenty of coals, unfortunately, she did have plenty of sexually frustrating issues while growing up. For example, she comes from a very conservative christian family in which she was told all of her life that "sex is bad", then of course her struggle is that after we got married (3.5 years ago, together for 8) she asks "how am I supposed to feel good about sex now?". I empathize with this situation as it certainly cannot be easy. And I have done plenty as far as taking her back and talking thru this issue and she has been coming out quite nicely. Back to the thread... she has coals, which I can easily stoke. My issue here seems to be in finding ways to intesify her sex drive to match mine.

Marie, I do agree with you and its what I've been working on, "getting to know more of her mind", then anything physically. I'll keep the slam against the wall in reserve :)

I appreciate the comment Lynnxz, but I believe Marie is more on the correct track. So I'll take her advice and dig deeper.

(in reply to Lynnxz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:27:31 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Thank you for that insight, it can not be easy to bring this to any public forum. My advise, for what is worth, is to firstly put together a list of kink friendly professionals including mental health which in turn should include specialist counselors and therapists such as psychologists and Hypnotherapist. I say this, because of what you have told me, I am of the opinion that professional help may be the safest and best route to take. Having access to specialist counselors, psychologists and Hypnotherapist should cover all bases from now and through later work to help her overcome this anti sex programming which so many had/have in my generation and the one following it. I no longer take overseas and interstate patients/clients sol I am unable to help you and your lady ,, 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Godsofold)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:31:47 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes not caring about the coals is good.  Let them simmer on their own.  Focus on the good.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 10:50:19 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Normally I would go along with that concept but, perhaps you missed the comment the OP's wife made to him:

quote:

"how am I supposed to feel good about sex now?"


The OP states that he has done some work with her and she is responding. I'd have to say that there is still a cry for help and especially with the work he seems to have done, professionals should have the ready tools to work with his work and help her over the rest. Remembering this is as much a case of deprogramming as much as anything else which is why I suggested Hypnotherapist in the mix.



_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Fire Within - 1/10/2009 11:07:02 PM   
Godsofold


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		Wise words IronBear and again, thanks. I do have access to professional medical help since my wife does work with in the medical community. And you are correct in mentioning "deprogramming" because that is exactly how I perceive it. Although I do love the fact that she is submissive my goal is in no way to take advantage of her by "reprogramming" her in an obscure way, I'm just trying to un-clutter her head from all the past negativity and show her ways to embrace the positive side of her sexuality. Again, thanks. I will continue to gently open up doors within her past and continue to encourage her to let go. She's done a wonderful job so far and I have found that this has brought us closer and build an enormous amount of trust. As you've picked up on, she has responded very well to me and as such, I may hold off on pursueing professional help for the time being.

Lucky- Good point, and I do agree to an extent. But letting the coals simmer can also backfire. And my goal is in moving us forward. Thanks for the response though.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 1:51:21 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsofold

Hi all. I'm wondering, specifically, what are some of the ways that you bring out the "fire" or "sexual" drive within your sub/slave?



just beeing to gether

(in reply to Godsofold)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 2:05:51 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		#1: Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled."  According to Scripture, the two of you can have crazyhot monkeysex with 97 different insertables and 400 different costumes, and it's totally ok.  For someone to have taught her -- or for her to have learned -- that sex is bad after marriage, is a perversion of what's written down in that book.  And I'm not talking good perversion either.

#2: If "I want her to enjoy it more" is code for, "I don't think I'm successful unless she orgasms," then throw that idea right out the fucking window.  You're just giving her performance anxiety.  Go back to the basics.  Hot baths.  Flower petals.  Massage.  It's irrelevant if she comes, or if you do.  Explore each other's bodies.  Express love and affection with touch, not words.  Don't have sex; make love.  She might enjoy that more.

#3: I'm getting the distinct impression from your responses on this thread that you are viewing this as "her problem," and not your mutual problem.  As long as you do that, you will be blind to your own contribution to her insecurities.  That is why getting a therapist might help -- not a therapist for her, but for both of you.  Until you own whatever parts of your own behavior are holding her back, you will not be able to help her to the best of your ability.

#4: Good luck.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to JustDarkness)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 3:54:58 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Godsofold

. And you are correct in mentioning "deprogramming" because that is exactly how I perceive it. Although I do love the fact that she is submissive my goal is in no way to take advantage of her by "reprogramming" her in an obscure way, I'm just trying to un-clutter her head from all the past negativity and show her ways to embrace the positive side of her sexuality.


It certainly is deprograming and its a very hard process, now if your fear is that you are taking advantage I seriously recomend that the therapy she undertakes is not as a submissive but as a human being. If its something that she wants then its something that you can support her through.

She has to remove the negative associations that she has towards sex for her own benifit not for yours because then she will simply have moved from being what one person wants to another it would be far more benificial for her to become what she wants to become.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Godsofold)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 5:16:46 AM   
MRandme


Posts: 661
Joined: 9/24/2007
Status: offline 		If having sex after marriage isn't supposed to be enjoyable and fun according to the Bible, why did the ancient Christians have so many kids? Some of the Biblical big names had several wives and dozens of kids.... they must have been enjoying themselves.

If she has truly been conditioned by religion to hate sex, why not get a spiritual advisor to help her see past it? Finding the right one -- and some are also trained as counselors -- would help her understand that it isn't sinful or bad to enjoy sex with her husband. The kink doesn't need to be brought up at all.

_____________________________

And thus i conclude with a wish you go well,
Sweet be your dreams, may your happiness swell,
I'll leave you here, for my journey begins
i've gone to be with Him again...

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 5:41:35 AM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		I found out that they were wrong about sex being bad when I did it. 
Maybe you are doing it wrong.

(in reply to MRandme)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 5:46:04 AM   
MissSepphora1


Posts: 669
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Okay, this is bothering me.  I have to know: how did you get her past the idea that BDSM is crazy and dirty and wierd to form a D/s relationship with her... but just regular old sex has her all shy and backward.
That really doesn't make any sense.

(in reply to MissSepphora1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Fire Within - 1/11/2009 6:22:16 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		Sex drives between partners often vary.  One person might want it daily while the other would be satisfied with once a week.  I heard an interesting podcast (from Sex Is Fun) where the suggestion was given that to increase the partner's sex drive try not asking for sex or implying that you want it at all until they start to ask for it.  Don't explain it up front, just wait for them to approach you. There were many success stories based on this.

I don't know if you could easily fit this into your D/s dynamic.  If it is structured so that she has the right to ask you for sex it might.  While the waiting time may be frustrating for you it would give her a chance to really start to miss it and to get in touch with her feeling of needing it as part of the relationship.


_____________________________



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