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Good intentions? - 1/10/2009 11:10:02 PM

needngreed

Posts: 8
Joined: 1/6/2009
Status: offline

I am finding that many within this lifestyle, or maybe it's just the venue, that many Dominants are married and 'sneaking' around behind their spouses. To me, I find this unacceptable, as if they are lying to their wives, what makes me think they are telling me the truth? Some state that this is to 'save the kids' or otherwise 'because the marriage ended and they are only together for financial reasons.' I have heard other excuses as well, and I am sure there are many more of them....

The intentions MIGHT be good, but at the same time it is still a lie. Dishonesty.

The same goes for those who find that saying one thing, doing another is "OK"? For instance, wouldn't it be the respectable thing to contact another when they say they will or if something has changed than to let them sit and pace the floor for hours and sometimes days on end? Doesn't this show respect that the Dom has for the 'sub'? (AND YES, I believe there has to be respect both ways)

Are these things running rampant and does anyone else see this the same way as I do or am I the only one that has found this offensive and frustrating?

Post #: 1

RE: Good intentions? - 1/10/2009 11:35:02 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

We all find these things frustrating but you have to keep in mind this is the internet where people seem to think "anything goes". It's no more rampant in this life than in vanilla.

_____________________________

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I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 2

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 1:38:01 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

Agree..this is the internet...but also often these internet people meet in real.

I don't mind a married sub myself aslong as they tell me upfront. The risk is al theirs though and I have soem rules I keep myself to...for example..no meeting at my or their houses.
If I notice their private life is having troubles because of this........then I let her go.

But yes..if peope lied to me...about this..then I would have probs believing them in other subjects too.
But I would let them explain first..before I would judge.

(in reply to MsLadySue)

Post #: 3

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 3:20:17 AM

ALAstella

Posts: 253
Joined: 12/3/2008
Status: offline

I know what you mean.. These Dominants are terrible people.. I mean, you can't come across one who's not the controlling type, as they like to be bossy and order you about.

Not only that, when you meet them it gets much worse. I mean, some of these Dominants like to hurt you, they humiliate you and tie you up and some of them hit you. They might call them 'toys' but some of the things they hit you with cause pain and really hurt. Even when they're not into hitting you and hurting you they're into mindgames and trying to control your mind. Oh and they like sticking things in you as well, you know, long things and funny things with bits hanging off them, and they will stick them in any one of your holes.

I agree with the OP, these things are running rampant..

I don't know what the world is coming to today, I really don't.

stella

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 4

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 3:24:45 AM

pdv99

Posts: 140
Joined: 3/13/2007
From: UK
Status: offline

We all have our own moral standards. We must do our best to live up to them, but we should try to avoid judging others by our own standards. What we can and should do is to choose carefully who we interact with, and be honest with people if we choose not to play with them.

Having been married for almost 20 years to someone with no interest in BDSM, I can sympathise with those who cannot fulfill that part of their lives within an otherwise strong relationship. For me, BDSM remained a solitary fantasy and almost a guilty secret until my divorce for entirely unrelated reasons. I'm happy now to be free to live out my fantasies - but I wouldn't have cheated or sacrificed my home and family for them. BDSM is part of me, but only one part.

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 5

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:24:50 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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As a rule it's ME that decides how good someone's intentions are, whether they are married or not married. It's me that eventually decides who I get involved with and why.........and other people's assertions about why they do what they do, only go so far in my decision. After that , it's up to me.
I'm not always honest myself.

In the other case, regarding people saying one thing and doing another........whatever the reasons are, if you have an unreliable person on your hands you adjust your expectations or decide it's not for you.

Personally, I don't tend to think that unreliablity is a lack of respect for ME, per se; it'd depend whether it was an overall unreliablility. I don't take it personally, unless it IS personal...ie. only happening in relation to me.

I'd find it frustrating, yes and I'd be unlikely to stay around ......Offensive?, no.

agirl

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 6

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:43:36 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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It has nothing to do with the "lifestyle" and everything to do with the "life style".

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 7

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:50:55 AM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

I try not to judge, simply because I don't want to be judged. There are always circumstances for things that happen and people that meet. I think as long as it is upfront by both parties they both have the option to say...yes...or no. Nothing will ever be okay for everyone, so you must follow your own standards. If you are not comfortable with someone there is usually a good reason why...move on. Best of luck....

_____________________________

~Don't settle for the One you can live with~~Wait for the One you can't live without.~
~To thine own self be true~~no compromise.~

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 8

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:55:44 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

I think that its probably just you, i also dont think there are that many 'sneaking around' types of people on here, i have spoke to a few married people but not many. It is not something I am interested in its just not for me and I am pretty clear about that (I dont have much time for the whole my wife doesnt understand me attitude) however what they do is up to them I just wont get involved in it.

And the whole people saying one thing and doing another, I have to ask do you live in a vacume? People are like that, no its not good and its not clever but people do it. Rather than getting frustrated think of it like this, its one less person to waste your time with.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 9

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 4:58:40 AM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Agree..this is the internet...but also often these internet people meet in real.

I don't mind a married sub myself aslong as they tell me upfront. The risk is al theirs though and I have soem rules I keep myself to...for example..no meeting at my or their houses.
If I notice their private life is having troubles because of this........then I let her go.

But yes..if peope lied to me...about this..then I would have probs believing them in other subjects too.
But I would let them explain first..before I would judge.

So you don't want them lying to you but it would be okay if they lie to their spouse?

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 10

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 5:37:52 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

In my book cheaters, male and/or female, Dominant and/or submissive, bet my very large highly polished English, knee high riding boot planted in their posterior to help them start a lifetime banishment from Bruin Cottage and it's surrounds. Now people who want to either play or swing with us and who are married need for Neets and/or I to meet their partner for coffee so we know all is ship shape and above board.

< Message edited by IronBear -- 1/11/2009 5:38:59 AM >

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 11

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 6:14:26 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

I think that its probably just you, i also dont think there are that many 'sneaking around' types of people on here,

I agree with this.

I find being forthright causes people who are not serious to weed themselves out, because they know they can't hang. Are you "talking" online for weeks, or are you insisting on a brief meeting in a safe place within fourteen days of first contact? Did your previous profile include a line like, "No married men, no matter what"? Or are you namby-pamby milquetoast in your approach to who you are trying to find?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 12

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 6:24:27 AM

Maxwell67

Posts: 435
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Alas, monogamy is just not working out. I am married and my wife is my primary relationship and one of my slaves also. This does not limit me from having other relationships, nor does it limit her. Polyamory is not juast a passing fad, it is growing exponentially, and with good reason. Oh, certainly it is more challenging, but it is iminently more reasonable. I cannot imagine having to confine my love to a single person for my whole life. Love is far too precious to throw it away because you 'already have one.'

_____________________________

Use your head can't you use your head? You're on Earth! There's no cure for that! - Samuel Beckett (Endgame)

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 13

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:01:02 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Polyamory is differant from cheating though Maxwell.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Maxwell67)

Post #: 14

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:15:06 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Agree..this is the internet...but also often these internet people meet in real.

I don't mind a married sub myself aslong as they tell me upfront. The risk is al theirs though and I have soem rules I keep myself to...for example..no meeting at my or their houses.
If I notice their private life is having troubles because of this........then I let her go.

But yes..if peope lied to me...about this..then I would have probs believing them in other subjects too.
But I would let them explain first..before I would judge.

So you don't want them lying to you but it would be okay if they lie to their spouse?

where is the word "okay"? It is far from perfect.
It is their life. I want them to tell me they are married or not..or what ever it is they have.
I do prefer them to tell their partner...if not..then it is their problem.
And no..I am not looking for married people because I like such situations..but it happened once to me and it did trouble me..
But that what we had was way stronger. Right then I chose to have her...and she in her situation...chose me.
2 adults..2 choices...for eachother..knowing the risks..

< Message edited by JustDarkness -- 1/11/2009 7:22:58 AM >

(in reply to Icarys)

Post #: 15

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:36:31 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: JustDarkness

Agree..this is the internet...but also often these internet people meet in real.

I don't mind a married sub myself aslong as they tell me upfront. The risk is al theirs though and I have soem rules I keep myself to...for example..no meeting at my or their houses.
If I notice their private life is having troubles because of this........then I let her go.

But yes..if peope lied to me...about this..then I would have probs believing them in other subjects too.
But I would let them explain first..before I would judge.

So you don't want them lying to you but it would be okay if they lie to their spouse?

where is the word "okay"? It is far from perfect.
It is their life. I want them to tell me they are married or not..or what ever it is they have.
I do prefer them to tell their partner...if not..then it is their problem.
And no..I am not looking for married people because I like such situations..but it happened once to me and it did trouble me..
But that what we had was way stronger. Right then I chose to have her...and she in her situation...chose me.
2 adults..2 choices...for eachother..knowing the risks..

Yes, but if she is ok with lying to her husband, what makes you think she is going to be truthful with you? I have found that people who lie to one person, usually lie to anyone they meet. If someone feels the need to cheat on their spouse, that is between them, but I would not seek a relationship there.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to JustDarkness)

Post #: 16

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:38:52 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

You are right. But also there are many reasons why people do what they do. I don't know their situation....propably stayed together because of the kids..
but yes..the risk is there...

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 17

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:49:46 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

It happens in all areas of life, not just bdsm and yes it does seem to run rampant on the internet where people can be anything they want to be. The ones who are lying and cheating just weed themselves out faster for me. I don't accept the whole I can't tell my spouse as he/she wouldn't understand excuse.

I figure if bdsm is that important to someone, they ought to at least be honest with their spouse as to their interest in it and need for it. If you can't be honest with the one you love and chose to spend your life with on something so important then what else are you going to lie about and who else are you going to lie to? For those who say they told their spouse and their spouse was disgusted by it, hey, at least you actually had the balls to come out with it and try, kudos.

Cheating is not the same as poly either. I'm not poly, but am very accepting of poly and have seen it work for some good friends. I'm not accepting of cheating, call me judgemental, oh well. I've been cheated on and I've cheated before in retaliation to it. Wasn't a good feeling. I'd rather know they were interested in another or others up front so I can decide if I want the relationship to continue or if I want to move on and leave them to find their bliss and go on to find mine.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to thishereboi)

Post #: 18

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 7:53:15 AM

JustDarkness

Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline

quote:

For those who say they told their spouse and their spouse was disgusted by it, hey, at least you actually had the balls to come out with it and try, kudos.

In that situation.....if the partner..kinda says no.....is that really make you gonna feel better?

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 19

RE: Good intentions? - 1/11/2009 8:08:15 AM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Deceit does not create anything good, intentions or otherwise. A good life rule is if you find someone that is deceitful, create as much distance as possible between you and them.

These things are not running rampant, it is the same thing throughout time.

As far as this is the internet, that is part of it. With very little to no consequences for people's actions, then the majority will do whatever pleases them. This is also used as an excuse by many, to act however they wish.

quote:

ORIGINAL: needngreed

I am finding that many within this lifestyle, or maybe it's just the venue, that many Dominants are married and 'sneaking' around behind their spouses. To me, I find this unacceptable, as if they are lying to their wives, what makes me think they are telling me the truth? Some state that this is to 'save the kids' or otherwise 'because the marriage ended and they are only together for financial reasons.' I have heard other excuses as well, and I am sure there are many more of them....

The intentions MIGHT be good, but at the same time it is still a lie. Dishonesty.

The same goes for those who find that saying one thing, doing another is "OK"? For instance, wouldn't it be the respectable thing to contact another when they say they will or if something has changed than to let them sit and pace the floor for hours and sometimes days on end? Doesn't this show respect that the Dom has for the 'sub'? (AND YES, I believe there has to be respect both ways)

Are these things running rampant and does anyone else see this the same way as I do or am I the only one that has found this offensive and frustrating?

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to needngreed)

Post #: 20

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