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When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:33:43 PM

rednicky

Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
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It's already been established that it's not right to judge someone based on certain physically features (especially one's that can't be changed). But I'm not really crazy about skinny, short, or 'ugly' men. What if someone throws that "Well while I respect your decision, I don't see how you could make it without knowing one thing about me. Last time I checked, looks didn't last forever anyway, yet you're willing to put it above all else." at you? Well see, now I feel guilty because he's right. Personality means a lot more than looks and excluding someone because of the way they look is not right. On the other hand...I don't want a ugly Dom! You can be as nice as you want to be. I still can't wake up to a werewolf. I guess my question is, how does one get over the guilt, stand by their physical standards, and still manage to not feel like a monster for turning down a perfectly good guy just because he doesn't look that great (unattractive, fat, skinny, balding, short, old, etc...)?

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RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:36:23 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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We are allowed to judge others by whatever we want, and we certainly are allowed to reject them as possible partners by whatever we want.

As long as we accept the consequences for ourselves and don't make it an issue for others. There's no guilt to have.

Hey, there's always me as the fat chick who won't date fat men and rarely other fat chicks :)

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(in reply to rednicky)

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RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:38:40 PM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
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Looks are subjective. What is hot to me may be barf butt ugly to you. It's very simple, either there is attraction for someone or there isn't. If there is, see where it goes, if there isn't move on. If they try to lay a guilt trip on you for not liking them, then maybe that just shows you were correct in not being attracted because they weren't right for you and had you tried, you'd have discovered that at some point anyway.

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RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:41:15 PM

Viridana

Posts: 754
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We all have our preferences. What qualifies in my book as physically attractive is an older, balding, hairy guy who looks teddy bearish. I'm sure that's not what lots of women find attractive.... but it works for me. The same with men, there are a lot of men who don't find you or me attractive. To each their own.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:42:15 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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~Fast Reply~

Why should they be guilt-tripping you? Did they contact you in spite of your looks?

You have the right to be sexually attracted to your partner. Remind them of that, politely and without further comment on their appearence, and wish them the best. If they continue trying to guilt you, you can always tell them that their behavior is not improving their odds. I have found myself attracted to people despite physical appearences but never despite their personality.

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(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 5

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:42:28 PM

CalifChick

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From: California
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Why did you feel it necessary to tell him WHY you were rejecting him? Wouldn't, "Thank you for your interest, I'm looking in other directions right now, good luck on your search" have been enough? You told him he was too ugly for you?

Seriously, if I wrote to someone, and they said, "well thanks, but you're a fat chick, so it's a no-go for me", I would have thought them to be a jerk for saying that (but not for having a preference).

Sometimes compassion goes a long way.

Cali

_____________________________

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(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 6

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:43:14 PM

sweetpeasmiles

Posts: 19
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

Don't feel guilty. We like what we like. And yes, personality is important, but there has to be some kind of physical attraction as well. For some unknown reason, asian men creep me out slightly. *shrugs* who knows!!

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 7

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:44:07 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
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Cali you rock :)

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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Post #: 8

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:44:12 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

It's already been established that it's not right to judge someone based on certain physically features (especially one's that can't be changed). But I'm not really crazy about skinny, short, or 'ugly' men. What if someone throws that "Well while I respect your decision, I don't see how you could make it without knowing one thing about me. Last time I checked, looks didn't last forever anyway, yet you're willing to put it above all else." at you? Well see, now I feel guilty because he's right. Personality means a lot more than looks and excluding someone because of the way they look is not right. On the other hand...I don't want a ugly Dom! You can be as nice as you want to be. I still can't wake up to a werewolf. I guess my question is, how does one get over the guilt, stand by their physical standards, and still manage to not feel like a monster for turning down a perfectly good guy just because he doesn't look that great (unattractive, fat, skinny, balding, short, old, etc...)?

Tell him, well in that case I feel I can be totally honest with you. I am really a 92 yo,6'2" 500# bald guy. But you must admit I have a lovable and charming personality so it won't matter right?

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(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 9

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:47:15 PM

rednicky

Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
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I actually never thought of saying it that way Cali. Men always ALWAYS ask why when I reject them. And I tell them exactly why.

Edit: And I don't say it in an insensitive way. If I think they're ugly I simply say "I'm not attracted to you." if theyre big I say "You're a little too big for me." And so on.

< Message edited by rednicky -- 1/21/2009 2:51:08 PM >

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Well if you would just stay away from my bridge...

(in reply to CalifChick)

Post #: 10

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:49:00 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I actually never thought of saying it that way Cali. Men always ALWAYS ask when when I reject them. And I tell them exactly why.

That could be the problem. If you hurt their feelings, they may want to strike back. Perhaps immature but I'd call it understandable to a certain extent. Tell them only what you'd want to hear yourself if you were being rejected based on your looks.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 11

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:51:20 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

It's already been established that it's not right to judge someone based on certain physically features (especially one's that can't be changed). But I'm not really crazy about skinny, short, or 'ugly' men. What if someone throws that "Well while I respect your decision, I don't see how you could make it without knowing one thing about me. Last time I checked, looks didn't last forever anyway, yet you're willing to put it above all else." at you? Well see, now I feel guilty because he's right. Personality means a lot more than looks and excluding someone because of the way they look is not right. On the other hand...I don't want a ugly Dom! You can be as nice as you want to be. I still can't wake up to a werewolf. I guess my question is, how does one get over the guilt, stand by their physical standards, and still manage to not feel like a monster for turning down a perfectly good guy just because he doesn't look that great (unattractive, fat, skinny, balding, short, old, etc...)?

Fortunately we don't all find the same exact things attractive or unattractive. So this person that you turned down will likely find someone else who doesn't think he's ugly. So don't guilt yourself over it.

If on the other hand, what you're feeling is doubt or regret for not giving him a chance just because he isn't a hottie, then that's another story. If that's the case, you could always develope a friendship with no expectations of anything more, and then see if you start to develope an attraction to the outside as well as the inside.

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 12

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:51:22 PM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Why did you feel it necessary to tell him WHY you were rejecting him? Wouldn't, "Thank you for your interest, I'm looking in other directions right now, good luck on your search" have been enough? You told him he was too ugly for you?

Seriously, if I wrote to someone, and they said, "well thanks, but you're a fat chick, so it's a no-go for me", I would have thought them to be a jerk for saying that (but not for having a preference).

Sometimes compassion goes a long way.

Cali

I so agree, there is no need to be cruel, just saying not interested should be enough, if pressed well you arent my type then leave it. I can understand someone getting offended back to be honest

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RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:52:23 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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When someone tries to throw that at me I just tell them I'm shallow and walk away.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 14

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 2:55:40 PM

CalifChick

Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline

When you give them a reason for the rejection, you give them ammunition to use against you. As you have now seen, from the scenario you described.

Cali

_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 15

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 3:00:37 PM

Viridana

Posts: 754
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

I actually never thought of saying it that way Cali. Men always ALWAYS ask why when I reject them. And I tell them exactly why.

Edit: And I don't say it in an insensitive way. If I think they're ugly I simply say "I'm not attracted to you." if theyre big I say "You're a little too big for me." And so on.

You don't owe them an explanation. If they can't take no for an answer then it becomes their problem not yours. The delete button works wonders in this scenario.

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 16

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 3:02:05 PM

rednicky

Posts: 313
Joined: 1/14/2009
Status: offline

yea...I guess....

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Well if you would just stay away from my bridge...

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Post #: 17

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 3:06:13 PM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

There's this great thing, it's a little button that says 'block sender' underneath it. Certainly hasn't failed yet.

To be slightly more serious I agree with the others, there's no reason to be mean about it; however, if someone is clearly responding and thinks they have a shot, but is *no where* near anything within my profile (and demonstrates that the read it but disregarded it) I like to blast them to oblivion. I talk myself into believing they deserve it

(I've only ever had the problem with age, to be honest. NO I don't want to date a 50 year old man. How would we 'grow old together' (one of their phrases, not mine) when you're already over twice my age? Are we putting you in cryostasis or speeding up my aging process? Neither is my kink, thanks!). In those instances I'm not very nice because I'm kind of no nonsense about this sort of thing. If I say 'I'm looking for someone around my age' then I *mean* someone around my age... I find no reason not to take others at face value, why should I expect any different?

Similarly I find many people leave things to the imagination too much for their own good. These people, too, I'm very rude to the moment they try some sort of guilt trip... especially if it's vague

Oh, have I mentioned that I'm not a nice person?

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 3:13:16 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Well... lol... you could say... You know, you make sense and I think I must rethink how I look at things... however... since you said it in such a way that it seems you use guilt to teach, I would not make a good match for you. Personally I would have to address his manipulation to get him sum.

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Post #: 19

RE: When someone throws a guilt trip your way - 1/21/2009 3:57:54 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: rednicky

It's already been established that it's not right to judge someone based on certain physically features (especially one's that can't be changed). But I'm not really crazy about skinny, short, or 'ugly' men. What if someone throws that "Well while I respect your decision, I don't see how you could make it without knowing one thing about me. Last time I checked, looks didn't last forever anyway, yet you're willing to put it above all else." at you? Well see, now I feel guilty because he's right. Personality means a lot more than looks and excluding someone because of the way they look is not right. On the other hand...I don't want a ugly Dom! You can be as nice as you want to be. I still can't wake up to a werewolf. I guess my question is, how does one get over the guilt, stand by their physical standards, and still manage to not feel like a monster for turning down a perfectly good guy just because he doesn't look that great (unattractive, fat, skinny, balding, short, old, etc...)?

"See the beauty within and don't be so caught up in looks" is one of those often touted politically correct wisdoms we're browbeaten into regurgitating on a regular basis in polite company. It's not a bad idea in some respects, but the application of it stands somewhat in contrast to the reality of human nature, and to the genetic fitness of our species as a whole. We are visual creatures, and generally only wish to exchange fluids with others we find aesthetically pleasing. There are perfectly justifiable biological reasons for that inherent trait. We should all stop being so sensitive and feel free to be "shallow" in this regard. It doesn't mean we have to drop other bars we've set for intelligence and good disposition, either. We should allow ourselves to pick and choose based on what criteria comes naturally to us—not what is sanctioned as "polite".

(in reply to rednicky)

Post #: 20

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