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Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 2:43:07 PM   
wisdom58


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline 		On another thread, someone who seems wise and experienced said:
" I find ... a lot of sub women want a little bit of an asshole, or confuse a bit of asshole behavior with strong dom behavior."
What has been your experience in this regard?  If the statement seems accurate to you, why is it so?
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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 2:47:27 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Some of that theory probably is based on the "bad boy" concept....that a lot of women seem to be attracted to "bad boys", in both BDSM and vanilla relationships. 

Not me...I'm only attracted to niceness.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 2:50:11 PM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		I usually desire the he goes away quickly. If he makes good eye candy, they i desire that he shuts his mouth, takes off some clothes, and let me get on with appreciating him in the best way for both of us. 

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 2:54:11 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		When I was a young confused girl I thought the whole bad boy stereotype was sexy and it was fun for awhile but now that I'm older I have no desire for it whatsoever. You can't settle down and make a real life with a badboy. All you'll  get is hurt and disappointment or worse.

I'll take a nice, down-to earth-Man any day.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 3:02:46 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Since I'm the one who made the comment, I completely agree with this.  It's worse when they are novices. 

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 3:02:57 PM   
oceanwynds


Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		Never been attracted to assholes, though am attracted to quiet brainy types of men. I dont really know why some might be attracted to that type of Dom, but I guess it isnt all that bad, or those Doms would not have the s-type.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 3:15:07 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

When I was a young confused girl I thought the whole bad boy stereotype was sexy and it was fun for awhile but now that I'm older I have no desire for it whatsoever. You can't settle down and make a real life with a badboy. All you'll  get is hurt and disappointment or worse.

I'll take a nice, down-to earth-Man any day.


I agree with you because I think the reason why women are attracted to the bad boy types is because they are considered to be the alpha males.  However, there is huge difference between being confident and just an asshole. 

I am over that attraction and have learned to stay away from those who are not worth my time let alone friendship.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 4:23:49 PM   
mc1234


Posts: 683
Joined: 10/4/2008
Status: offline 		I've found there is a difference between an asshole dom and one who is commanding.  It took me a bit of time to get there, though.  I thought at the start that someone who ordered me about was being a dominant, but he was just being domineering if he didn't/couldn't give me the other parts of the relationship that I need - the loving, caring side.  In short, he was being an ass. 

Flash forward a few years and I've found someone who cares about me, my feelings and what it is that I want from a relationship ... as well as knowing how to get what he wants and needs as well.  I love it, just adore it, when he's all commanding and 'do this/do that' with me ... but that's not the majority of our time together.  And without having the other side, the affectionate side, it all becomes rather meaningless for me. 

Having both together ... priceless.   

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 4:26:06 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		No idea. No-one's defined an arse-hole as yet.

agirl

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 4:54:56 PM   
wisdom58


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

No idea. No-one's defined an arse-hole as yet.


Seems others have been able to respond without what must inevitably be both an over inclusive and under inclusive set of criteria.

But taking you at your word, how about  "congenitally self-centered,  brutish, and domineering, all in a consistently arbitrary and capricious way"?



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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 5:00:17 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Hmm see I have been with people who pride themselves on their ability to be assholes, and I find them really appealing. Its not the bad boy thing its the honesty. The other thing you see that I tend to be attracted to is people who seem nice initially, interesting sweet, then moaning and pathetic then often manipulative and finally it tends to be that its all a huge facade. They use the 'nice' thing to play the victim card at every opportunity. I prefer someone who accepts their flaws and embraces them, someone that is multi-faceted and interesting. I know I can be an asshole at times.

However in the genuiene sense of the word, I have been taken in by horrific people, I have mistaken fear for passion. But without having felt that I wouldnt be able to recognise the genuiene feelings. So its a good thing

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 5:03:11 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdom58

On another thread, someone who seems wise and experienced said:
" I find ... a lot of sub women want a little bit of an asshole, or confuse a bit of asshole behavior with strong dom behavior."
What has been your experience in this regard?  If the statement seems accurate to you, why is it so?


Yep.  Seems accurate to me.  :)


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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 5:31:29 PM   
wisdom58


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/24/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Yep. Seems accurate to me. :)

Nueva Vida,
Any further thoughts as to why?  Do you think that it is mostly a function of confusing such behavior with something else that is more appealing, i.e. the Bad Boy syndrome that other have spoken about.  Or, perhaps, is it that many feel like Colouredin, and find that behavior more "honest" and, paradoxically, less emotionally dangerous?

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 5:36:55 PM   
Sandyshores29718


Posts: 343
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline 		I like a " good bad boy" if that makes sense to anyone.  I like someone thats rough and hard, but with me is a teddy bear.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 8:14:41 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Some people confuse domineering with dominant and arrogant with confidant. As far as the bad boy thing; I've always thought it a leftover from a rebellious period.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/24/2009 9:36:38 PM   
trappedinamuseum


Posts: 5066
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not sure this is a good answer, but here goes...

When the "Face" and I are playing, he can be an asshole.  He's caring (and makes sure I am okay yeah), but it is pretty much "My way or the fucking highway"...which I find incredibly hot.

But, while we are playmates, we are also friends.  when I was upset about a date gone wrong, he came over, held me, brushed away my tears, and was there to support me.

I think he likes to have the asshole image, but when it comes down to it, he's a good person.

So, I guess I go for both. 

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Don't come back at all" - Jar of Hearts

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/25/2009 6:47:34 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wisdom58

quote:

Yep. Seems accurate to me. :)

Nueva Vida,
Any further thoughts as to why?  Do you think that it is mostly a function of confusing such behavior with something else that is more appealing, i.e. the Bad Boy syndrome that other have spoken about.  Or, perhaps, is it that many feel like Colouredin, and find that behavior more "honest" and, paradoxically, less emotionally dangerous?



First, what is "asshole" to one person may be desirous and attractive to another, and vice versa.

I do believe, however, that many (and certainly not all) submissives seek out and are attracted to certain no-nonsense, assertive, even arrogant and/or caustic personality traits for various reasons.  For some it feels safer because there is no guess-work it's pure raw honesty that's right to the point.  For others it emits a kind of power that can be consuming.  For others it may simply be sexually hot...and so on.

But such a person might easily be confused with being well intended when that might not be the case at all.  At times these attitude traits might be seen as wonderful and cool and hot and powerful but without knowing and understanding their bearers intention, may actually be coming from a less than honorable place.  Hence, asshole, being confused for something else.



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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/25/2009 7:06:55 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		There's a difference between asshole and alpha. I like alpha very much and one that isn't afraid to show his softer side. Assholes, no thanks, been there done that, had enough. I think asshole gets confused with alpha, dominant, strong, and self assured a lot of times. They are not the same.

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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/25/2009 9:48:15 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

There's a difference between asshole and alpha. I like alpha very much and one that isn't afraid to show his softer side. Assholes, no thanks, been there done that, had enough. I think asshole gets confused with alpha, dominant, strong, and self assured a lot of times. They are not the same.


If I may expound on this a bit.

To me an alpha is a man who is confident, commanding and assertive.  He knows his self worth and is comfortable with the world around him.

An asshole tends to be insecure, in order to try to fool others into thinking that he's better then he thinks he is he tends to act arrogent, demanding and aggressive. 

To me the difference between the two is really subtle-- upon a brief glance they appear the same, but upon further scrutiny, the asshole demands that people think that he's wonderful whereas the alpha lets his quality speak for itself and doesn't worry about what conclusions others come to.

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Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
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RE: Desiring an Asshole Dom? - 1/25/2009 11:16:45 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

quote:

ORIGINAL: SassySarijane

There's a difference between asshole and alpha. I like alpha very much and one that isn't afraid to show his softer side. Assholes, no thanks, been there done that, had enough. I think asshole gets confused with alpha, dominant, strong, and self assured a lot of times. They are not the same.


If I may expound on this a bit.

To me an alpha is a man who is confident, commanding and assertive.  He knows his self worth and is comfortable with the world around him.

An asshole tends to be insecure, in order to try to fool others into thinking that he's better then he thinks he is he tends to act arrogent, demanding and aggressive. 

To me the difference between the two is really subtle-- upon a brief glance they appear the same, but upon further scrutiny, the asshole demands that people think that he's wonderful whereas the alpha lets his quality speak for itself and doesn't worry about what conclusions others come to.



Definite thanks for expounding on that. What you said is pretty much what was going through my head in thinking on the differences between asshole and alpha.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

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