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RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 12:22:42 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		I think honesty is allways best. I seperated a from a woman once that I had been with for several years because I had found out the truth even though about three years had gone by. If she had told me the truth to begin with there would have been an argument but the relationship probably would have survived. The reason for the split was simple. I wasnt about to live a lie because of her and I knew that if she had one skeleton she probably had ten more that she didnt talk about. I had found out from overhearing a conversation that she had with a friend and I had later confronted her about it and she had admited to the incident.

(in reply to MissIsis)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 12:53:05 PM   
NCNutCase


Posts: 129
Joined: 2/2/2005
Status: offline 		A motto of life I have embraced and believed in for many years is...

"I can handle any reality, as long as I know what reality is..."

I would far rather suffer at the hands of the truth than wallow in ignorance... and I resent anyone who attempts to lock me in ignorance by hiding the truth from me...

Besides, the effects of the truth cannot be hidden, even if knowledge of the truth can... In other words I believe Mark deserves to know why Abby is acting/feeling weird/different/guilty... It's better her "know" why than to let him "assume" why...

Another motto of mine "I've got no room in my life for lies"...

I do not think you should run to Mark to tell Abby's secret, but I do think you should highly encourage Abby to tell Mark the truth...

And I sure do hope you have changed the names to protect the guilty ;-)

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 1:30:38 PM   
Catgirl711


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/25/2008
Status: offline 		Personally, I want to be told.  I don't care if it upsets me.  I have a right to know what my partner has done.  If I were to find out later, it would be far worse.  At least an admission of their wrong-doing may lead me to believe they are truly remorseful.  If I find out later, then I would be more likely to believe that their remorse was in being caught, not in their betrayal to me.
Telling him isn't going to relieve her guilt either.  Instead she will probably feel even more guilty depending on his reaction.  She'll still always have to live with it eating away at her.  Maybe even everytime she looks at him.  Only instead of knowing a terrible secret, she'll know EXACTLY the pain she caused someone she loves.  I think that guilt is far worse.
But that's just me.

******


< Message edited by Catgirl711 -- 1/30/2009 1:34:38 PM >

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 1:54:39 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Yes, I have, but it was because I caught him lying to me, ironically, and the reason I caught him lying to me was I logged into his bank account after he told me no I couldn't  go into his accounts.

I was relieved, because we could finally talk about it and I could call him out.

And the second time I was relieved to tell him because then he could yell at me and be done with it lol.


quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

I'm the type who would rather be wise and miserable than in the dark and happy. Besides, confession won't really relieve the guilt (I assume), since then they'll be face to face with the pain that they were felt guilty of potentially causing.


Yeah, me too. i would definately want to know and i think i'd be even more pissed if a great deal of time passed before i was told. Don't know if i agree on the second part. Haven't you ever done something that you knew was wrong and when you finally came clean about it, you had a sense of relief? You know the whole confession is good for the soul thing?
Thanks for the reply:)

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 2:27:35 PM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~

Saying it will shatter someone's life to tell the the truth, is a rationalization of an unethical action. The damage was done when the person broke the trust of the other. Better to be honest and all involved suffer from honesty than to practice deceit and the poison of it slowly kill what is there.

I used to have a friend that cheated on his wife. After a while I stopped being friends with him. I do not want anyone around me that is going to be deceitful and a betrayer.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/30/2009 2:44:56 PM   
GoddessTeaze


Posts: 1125
Joined: 10/14/2006
From: The Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Sincerest apologies, Goddess. don't know what i did to make the text sooooo small.
the reply was:
Hello Goddess:) So nice to get your input. I always value your opinion. Last time, i gained a wonderful friend:)
thank you!

bethany

Hello beth,
What a great new pic you've
I didn't recognised you at first !!!
Ain't that too funny?

your most welcome hon,

regarding this subject,
~ always think how you want to be treated, when the roles we're reversed ~

I wish you well beth.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`



< Message edited by GoddessTeaze -- 1/30/2009 2:47:29 PM >

_____________________________

~* The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton*~

~*Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. ~Kahlil Gibran*~

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 9:50:51 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

In my mind confession of having an affair is never wrong. She will be living daily with it and afraid of tripping up eventually. It will be a secret that will eventually be felt between her and her husband. How can she ever be guaranteed he wouldnt hear it from another? She made her bed and she needs to take responsibility for it.

As your friend you need to not condemn or condon but you do need to take a stance personally with yourself regarding this.

oceanwynds

 
Thank you for your post and you are right; i do need to take a stance personally. Not so sure how i feel about it yet...that's why i started the thread. I think so often it's easy for us to be tooling along in life feeling comfortable with our values, ideals and just plain thoughts of how things are or supposed to be. Then when you least expect it something happens that leaves you feeling like a deer in the headlights. Others' points of view and their personal experiences help me to see the big picture, sort through the BS and form my own opinon. I so appreciate your time and energy:)

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to oceanwynds)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:03:47 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissIsis

Very often, on some level, people who have been cheated on, do know, maybe not the intricate details, but often, if they are honest with themselves, they know something isn't right.  Very often, people choose to not pay attention to that gut feeling, to try to spare their own feelings, to avoid confrontation, because they don't have 100% proof & a host of other reasons.  This couple will have to find their way through the murky waters they are going to have to deal with now.  It is too bad, though, that very often people who cheat choose to bring others into the whole mess.  I have seen more friendships break up over people who know someone's SO had or was having an affair.  Either way, whether they say anything or don't, they are very often dragged through the mud with their friends.

I am not excusing anything, but how many of us actually provide an environment for our significant others, where they feel not only free to be themselves down to their darkest self?  (I am not talking about actually harm to others.  The emotional harm caused by cheating is a whole other thread.) How many of us have provided an environment where our loved one can safely come clean about anything he or she has done, of even how they were feeling?  If we had provided an environment where our loved one could feel he wouldn't be rejected if he talked about & explored the darker recesses of themselves with his or her partner, would there be a reason for their loved ones to have to step out of the partnership to get their needs met? 



Yes Maam! and thank you! communication IS the key. i suppose our little tight knit group is different than most from what i gather on this thread,  as we have all been there for each other through the thick and thin since the school days and never would bail because of any discretion. Our "click" has been through marriages, divorces, addiction, "coming out of the closet" on more than one occasion, births and deaths...and the list goes on. Thank you again for your insight:)

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to MissIsis)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:08:22 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FRSguy

I think honesty is allways best. I seperated a from a woman once that I had been with for several years because I had found out the truth even though about three years had gone by. If she had told me the truth to begin with there would have been an argument but the relationship probably would have survived. The reason for the split was simple. I wasnt about to live a lie because of her and I knew that if she had one skeleton she probably had ten more that she didnt talk about. I had found out from overhearing a conversation that she had with a friend and I had later confronted her about it and she had admited to the incident.


Sincerest heartfelt sympathy, Sir. That's a really long time to build a life with someone to find out that it foundation wasn't planted on solid ground:( Thank you for sharing your experience. 

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to FRSguy)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:22:32 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NCNutCase

A motto of life I have embraced and believed in for many years is...

"I can handle any reality, as long as I know what reality is..."

I would far rather suffer at the hands of the truth than wallow in ignorance... and I resent anyone who attempts to lock me in ignorance by hiding the truth from me...

Besides, the effects of the truth cannot be hidden, even if knowledge of the truth can... In other words I believe Mark deserves to know why Abby is acting/feeling weird/different/guilty... It's better her "know" why than to let him "assume" why...

Another motto of mine "I've got no room in my life for lies"...

I do not think you should run to Mark to tell Abby's secret, but I do think you should highly encourage Abby to tell Mark the truth...

And I sure do hope you have changed the names to protect the guilty ;-)


Thank you, Sir for your post. i love the: "I would far rather suffer at the hands of the truth than wallow in ignorance... and I resent anyone who attempts to lock me in ignorance by hiding the truth from me... "
 
and no Sir, i would never run and tell Mark anything, but i am here for her always no matter what, just as she is for me.

Thank you again for your post and advice:) 



_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to NCNutCase)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:31:38 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Catgirl711

Personally, I want to be told.  I don't care if it upsets me.  I have a right to know what my partner has done.  If I were to find out later, it would be far worse.  At least an admission of their wrong-doing may lead me to believe they are truly remorseful.  If I find out later, then I would be more likely to believe that their remorse was in being caught, not in their betrayal to me.
Telling him isn't going to relieve her guilt either.  Instead she will probably feel even more guilty depending on his reaction.  She'll still always have to live with it eating away at her.  Maybe even everytime she looks at him.  Only instead of knowing a terrible secret, she'll know EXACTLY the pain she caused someone she loves.  I think that guilt is far worse.
But that's just me.

******



Thank you for your time to post. It seems that you share the opinon of the majority here. I truly hate that this has happened to begin with at that she has to suffer any pain at all, but its inevitable. Thanks again:)

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to Catgirl711)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:33:48 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Yes, I have, but it was because I caught him lying to me, ironically, and the reason I caught him lying to me was I logged into his bank account after he told me no I couldn't  go into his accounts.

I was relieved, because we could finally talk about it and I could call him out.

And the second time I was relieved to tell him because then he could yell at me and be done with it lol.


quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

I'm the type who would rather be wise and miserable than in the dark and happy. Besides, confession won't really relieve the guilt (I assume), since then they'll be face to face with the pain that they were felt guilty of potentially causing.


Yeah, me too. i would definately want to know and i think i'd be even more pissed if a great deal of time passed before i was told. Don't know if i agree on the second part. Haven't you ever done something that you knew was wrong and when you finally came clean about it, you had a sense of relief? You know the whole confession is good for the soul thing?
Thanks for the reply:)



LMAO! oh my! 2X?! were you being a bad girl in hopes for some punishment;)lol

< Message edited by beth314 -- 1/31/2009 10:36:46 PM >

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:39:58 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

~FR~

Saying it will shatter someone's life to tell the the truth, is a rationalization of an unethical action. The damage was done when the person broke the trust of the other. Better to be honest and all involved suffer from honesty than to practice deceit and the poison of it slowly kill what is there.

I used to have a friend that cheated on his wife. After a while I stopped being friends with him. I do not want anyone around me that is going to be deceitful and a betrayer.


Thank you Sir for your opinion and your post.

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 1/31/2009 10:44:08 PM   
beth314


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Sincerest apologies, Goddess. don't know what i did to make the text sooooo small.
the reply was:
Hello Goddess:) So nice to get your input. I always value your opinion. Last time, i gained a wonderful friend:)
thank you!

bethany


Hello beth,
What a great new pic you've
I didn't recognised you at first !!!
Ain't that too funny?

your most welcome hon,

regarding this subject,
~ always think how you want to be treated, when the roles we're reversed ~

I wish you well beth.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`




(Big smiles and blushing and flattered) Thank you, Goddess:) and the best to YOU also!

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to GoddessTeaze)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 9:14:01 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		Imo, confession is usually a mistake. Just a man's point of view. Here's a musical illustration of what I mean.

Shaggy-It Wasn't Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR4PGt9oOto


_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 9:34:06 AM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Wow! i will yet again exercise some good judgement and refrain from saying anything if i can't say something nice:)
Have a nice day!


i understood the confusion.  you would have said 'tell him" and miss morrigan understood you to say "i would tell him".

if you're friends with both of them....do you have an obligation as his friend to tell him "your woman isnt being faithful"?  (rhetorical question.  no need to answer it.)  does the bond of woman-friendship get a person off the hook in being honest to her signifigant other?  are you labled as being JUST as bad for knowing and letting him wander off thinking that his relationship was all fine when it wasnt?

its NEVER fair to have knowledge thrust upon you, especially if someone knows you value honor and them say "now you cant tell anyone!"  that kind of thing eats at me.  i dont keep secrets from Himself, to begin with...ok, nothing more serious than "i know what you're getting for your birthday/christmas".

it wasnt right for your friend to burden you with  her guilty secret.  its not right to confess it to rid herself of guilt.  its not fair to the hubby to think everything is ok in the marriage...if it was, she wouldnt have boffed someone else.  there are no winners here.  in any case, someone is going to be hurt.

she's going to be hurt when her hubby finds out
he's going to be hurt when he finds out
he's going to be hurt when he finds out other people knew and didnt tell him
he's going to be hurt that she didnt say something was wrong, and went to someone else
offspring....whoa, gonna back away from THAT can of worms, cause dayum.

when someone breaks a vow...shit splatters *everywhere*.  she dragged you into it, unwillingly.  someone is gonna break a vow?  okfine.  dont involve me. 


kitten

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 9:44:04 AM   
jstmi


Posts: 85
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

Sincerest apologies, Goddess. don't know what i did to make the text sooooo small.
the reply was:
Hello Goddess:) So nice to get your input. I always value your opinion. Last time, i gained a wonderful friend:)
thank you!

bethany


Hello beth,
What a great new pic you've
I didn't recognised you at first !!!
Ain't that too funny?

your most welcome hon,

regarding this subject,
~ always think how you want to be treated, when the roles we're reversed ~

I wish you well beth.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`




(Big smiles and blushing and flattered) Thank you, Goddess:) and the best to YOU also!


beth- i feel the same as you , i am so happy Goddezz has introduced us and i am very happy to have you as my friend-
bless you beth
and of course You Goddezz T`

jstmi

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 9:50:19 AM   
clearlightblack


Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		Didn't anyone learn anything from the last episode of Top Chef? You tell them, things are never the same.....then they see it on NATIONAL television and leave.....it not only embarrasses you but hurts and embarrasses the person you were with.....now that we have a recap

IMHO, I've always felt a little bit better when I was told by him that he cheated. Better in the sense that at least I didn't find out by accident, like your new manicurists loves to talk or by friends acting weird at gatherings....or you found out when you got back from a work related trip and found another woman moved into your and your bf's apartment.  At least when the person tells me in person I feel like surprised!  Then the world slowly crashes down on you as it sinks in and you ask questions.....when you find out randomly....you have no choice to be aware that not only are you in a room full of people that 1) knew already and 2) have been pitying you from afar, you realize that the added drama helps your world crash down a little faster, and you have to put on a pretty face to get through the rest of the evening.

(in reply to pixidustpet)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 11:06:35 AM   
welcomerain


Posts: 63
Joined: 5/28/2008
From: Toronto
Status: offline
quote:

Wow! i will yet again exercise some good judgement and refrain from saying anything if i can't say something nice:) Have a nice day!


I can't speak for Miss Morrigan, but it seems that what angered her was the fact that your friend confessed to you instead of to her husband.

Now if you assume that she was only planning to tell you and not Mark, then I tend to agree with Morrigan and Osidegirl: she was relieving herself of the guilt by telling you but not diminishing the harm of what she actually did. Personally, people like that I can do without.

On the other hand, you said in the OP that she was debating whether to tell Mark and wanted your input. I have no way of knowing what was really going through her mind, but I'd guess she was either feeling too chicken to tell him and hoping you'd prod her to do it, or feeling guilty about not telling him and hoping you'd tell her it was better not to (which is exactly what Tasha did).

Now personally, I would rather be told right away, so I would have advised Abby to go straight to Mark and do so. My advice at this point would be to ask Abby if she's told Mark yet and advise her to do so if she hasn't already. You could say that having chewed over what Tasha said, it didn't seem like it would be for the best in the long run. I wouldn't go telling Mark yourself. As others have said, that's Abby's job.

Mind you, this is strictly how I would prefer to be treated if I were in Mark's place, and I'm only guessing at what was going through Abby's mind. Good luck though. Situations like this are always a little dicey.

(in reply to beth314)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Is confession ever wrong? - 2/1/2009 11:15:56 AM   
torturedmuse


Posts: 38
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline 		I used to think it was better to tell everything.  I have learned over time though that it only made me feel better (atleast temporarily).  The person I told would have been fine never knowing it happened and they wouldn't have ever found out.  I think if someone honestly feels guilty and they won't do it again, there is no reason to hurt the other person just to alleviate ones own mind. 

Pick ones self up, remember the way it felt, try to figure out what caused one to do it in the first place, and throw all into the relationship to make it work.


_____________________________

~I have been collared since October 6, 2006~
My submission is gift to him, as his dominance is a gift to me.
Profile   Post #: 60
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