quote:

ORIGINAL: beth314

i had lunch with 2 friends today. Abby, who is married to Mark, and Tasha. Abby tells us that she has had an affair 4 days ago and as of today she is feeling really guilty and thinks she should tell Mark. Tasha drops her fork, and says, "What makes you feel that you have the right to shatter his life because you dont like the way guilt makes you feel? You deserve to have that eat at you every minute of everyday because you made the choice. Mark should not have to suffer because of your selfishness."
i couldnt say anything because i have never really seen it from that angle. i'm curious how many would agree with Tasha and how many think that honesty is always the best answer no matter who it hurts?
Any and all views are greatly appreciated:)

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ORIGINAL: cjan

Imo, confession is usually a mistake. Just a man's point of view. Here's a musical illustration of what I mean.

Shaggy-It Wasn't Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR4PGt9oOto

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ORIGINAL: pixidustpet

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ORIGINAL: beth314

Wow! i will yet again exercise some good judgement and refrain from saying anything if i can't say something nice:)
Have a nice day!

i understood the confusion.  you would have said 'tell him" and miss morrigan understood you to say "i would tell him".

if you're friends with both of them....do you have an obligation as his friend to tell him "your woman isnt being faithful"?  (rhetorical question.  no need to answer it.)  does the bond of woman-friendship get a person off the hook in being honest to her signifigant other?  are you labled as being JUST as bad for knowing and letting him wander off thinking that his relationship was all fine when it wasnt?

its NEVER fair to have knowledge thrust upon you, especially if someone knows you value honor and them say "now you cant tell anyone!"  that kind of thing eats at me.  i dont keep secrets from Himself, to begin with...ok, nothing more serious than "i know what you're getting for your birthday/christmas".

it wasnt right for your friend to burden you with  her guilty secret.  its not right to confess it to rid herself of guilt.  its not fair to the hubby to think everything is ok in the marriage...if it was, she wouldnt have boffed someone else.  there are no winners here.  in any case, someone is going to be hurt.

she's going to be hurt when her hubby finds out
he's going to be hurt when he finds out
he's going to be hurt when he finds out other people knew and didnt tell him
he's going to be hurt that she didnt say something was wrong, and went to someone else
offspring....whoa, gonna back away from THAT can of worms, cause dayum.

when someone breaks a vow...shit splatters *everywhere*.  she dragged you into it, unwillingly.  someone is gonna break a vow?  okfine.  dont involve me. 


kitten

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ORIGINAL: jstmi

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ORIGINAL: beth314

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ORIGINAL: GoddessTeaze

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ORIGINAL: beth314

Sincerest apologies, Goddess. don't know what i did to make the text sooooo small.
the reply was:

Hello Goddess:) So nice to get your input. I always value your opinion. Last time, i gained a wonderful friend:)
thank you!

bethany

Hello beth,
What a great new pic you've
I didn't recognised you at first !!!
Ain't that too funny?

your most welcome hon,

regarding this subject,
~ always think how you want to be treated, when the roles we're reversed ~

I wish you well beth.

Warm Greetingz

GoddezzT`

(Big smiles and blushing and flattered) Thank you, Goddess:) and the best to YOU also!

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ORIGINAL: torturedmuse

I used to think it was better to tell everything.  I have learned over time though that it only made me feel better (atleast temporarily).  The person I told would have been fine never knowing it happened and they wouldn't have ever found out.  I think if someone honestly feels guilty and they won't do it again, there is no reason to hurt the other person just to alleviate ones own mind. 

Pick ones self up, remember the way it felt, try to figure out what caused one to do it in the first place, and throw all into the relationship to make it work.

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ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I would definitely want to know, even if "it would never happen again." If I found out eventually that they had lied/not told me about it, I would be much angrier than at it occurring in the first place. I would also end the friendship and stop trusting a person if they claimed to be my friend, knew what was happening, but decided not to tell me.

I think you should tell her that if she won't fess up to him, you'll tell him yourself, but give her a couple of weeks to do so.

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ORIGINAL: barelynangel

To me, if she doesn't tell him, she is making choices for him that really she has no right to make.  Therefore, since she made this decision without him and only she knows why she did, she should be honest NOW at least and tell him so HE can make choices for himself as to what he wishes to do about it.

Otherwise, she may as well just go out and have all kinds of affairs because she has already taken away his right to make decisions for himself.  Yeah just the love i want from a spouse dishonesty and lies, and sneaking around.  Maybe if she were honest with him, he would have been find with what she wanted to do and hell had some fun of his own and their marraige may have been stronger because of the honesty.

angel

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ORIGINAL: sparkyRBF

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ORIGINAL: beth314

i had lunch with 2 friends today. Abby, who is married to Mark, and Tasha. Abby tells us that she has had an affair 4 days ago and as of today she is feeling really guilty and thinks she should tell Mark. Tasha drops her fork, and says, "What makes you feel that you have the right to shatter his life because you dont like the way guilt makes you feel? You deserve to have that eat at you every minute of everyday because you made the choice. Mark should not have to suffer because of your selfishness."
i couldnt say anything because i have never really seen it from that angle. i'm curious how many would agree with Tasha and how many think that honesty is always the best answer no matter who it hurts?
Any and all views are greatly appreciated:)

Master and i had a nice discussion about this and would he want to know?  I can see your friends point and it is a good one.  There are other factors though to be made in the decision of to tell him or not. 
Why did she cheat? 

Same circles for years and always felt the attraction. She found the temptation to strong to resist and fell weak when time and place allowed opportunity.
 
If she understands why she cheated she can figure out what she needs to do to be fulfilled with in her marriage to not feel the need to cheat.  Also, if she does tell him, this is going to be a question she is going to have to answer for him.
Is she going to continue the relationship or continue cheating?

She says she wants them both and that its unrealistic to ever dream of it.

Perhaps she would like to be poly or feels the need to be with more than one person. 

No doubt!


Also, if this is an established relationship with the other man, is he going to get angry she is breaking it off and tell her spouse?  (assuming alot here, sorry)

its very possible

Is this a long established relationship with her spouse? 
ending a 2 year marriage is different than ending a 20 year one.

6 years

Are there children involved or is the potential there she could be pregnant from this encounter?

No and No 

I think sometimes the spouse kinda already knows.. or at least knows something is kinda off.  And sometimes we can imagine things that are far worse than reality.  It may end up being a relief for him.  If she does decide to tell him, i would suggest she be prepared to take the full brunt of his pain.  I also don't think this is going to assuage her guilt as much as she thinks it is.  I think once she sees the pain as a result of her actions it's going to make her feel worse.

I believe it is important for the relationship for them to be able to talk through the problem (her infidelity) and find a solution that will work for both of them. 

Master said he would want to know.  He said that no matter how much it hurt him, the infidelity would be a symptom of a problem.  And if he doesn't know there is a problem then he can't do anything to fix it.   Not saying poor Mark is going to be that logical.   But maybe if he can focus on that and rebuilding the relationship it will help lesson the blow.

As far as your friendship with your friend that is up to you to decide.   Personally, it would make me wonder if she lied to her spouse why wouldn't she lie to me?  But there are always good and bad in any relationship, it's just up to you to see if the good outweighs the bad.

oh there's no question in my mind about my friendship with her. Alot of people have pointed to that but that is not an issue. We are friends regardless and always will be.

Thank you so much for putting so much time and energy into your post. Its greatly appreciated:)



< Message edited by beth314 -- 2/1/2009 11:52:59 PM >

_____________________________

life is not measured by how many breaths you take...but by how many moments take your breath away!

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

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ORIGINAL: slaveluci

As usual when "cheating" is discussed on here, I'm always amused at the self-righteous and superior attitudes that spew forth.  If a friend disclosed something like this to me, I wouldn't see it as an opportunity to showcase my own "integrity" by crushing them with my judgments about what they "should" do.  If I truly see them as a friend, I would hear them out, discuss - if they so choose - WHY they felt the affair happened, and have an open mind and ear as to how they're going to proceed.

To express disdain and disgust and say I'd rather toss them out of my life than be "complicit" in their affair would, IMHO, make me a judgmental, self-righteous prick.  As I have made some errors in my own life and had true friends who loved me anyway and helped me through them, I'd feel like a hypocritical asshole to throw a friend down because he/she too has made errors that frankly have no negative impact on me.

The "integrity" around here sometimes gets really, really deep, if you catch my drift, OP.  Do what you feel you should to show love and support for your friend.  It doesn't mean you support every choice she makes.  Perhaps she could actually benefit from your friendship at this obviously difficult time in her life................luci

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ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

~Fast Reply~

Yes, confession can be wrong. There is no need to tell your dying wife that you cheated on her. There is no need to tell your husband that you cheated as you are dying. It ruins your last moments together. Less severely, there are other times when honestly will do more harm than good. I have no need to tell my elderly, ailing grandmother that Val beats me and I love it, that I am not monogamous and that I really like girls. If she ever needs to know, then she'll be informed but until then I feel no guilt in lying to her because I think, given her mindset and the difficult life she'd already had, it would be selfish of me to cause her more strife.

In this particular situation, not knowing all the details, I think your friend probably should be honest though. It's already been mentioned that cheating is rarely a stand-alone problem. There are almost certainly other issues in the relationship that need to be resolved or things are going to be worse and probably very ugly.

As for the whole "how dare she tell you" thing that other posters have mentioned... isn't that what good friends are for? Being able to tell your secrets to figure out what to do? Sometimes being a friend isn't all sunshine and roses (they call that "fair weather friend" and those aren't worth having). If I couldn't work out what to do in that sort of situation with a good friend, they aren't a friend to me at all. You don't always like what your friends have done or are doing and then you have to decide if you are willing to stand by them anyway or throw everything away.

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ORIGINAL: beth314

Thank you for posting here with your clarity and empathy and understanding...and YES! that is what friends are for. Thank God for them!

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ORIGINAL: BondageBarbieX

I told my MasterDaddy everything...everything and it eventually led up to him having a heart attack and dying.If I could turn back time I would have never told him of  what I did .She should keep it to herself  IMO..some things are better left unsaid.

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ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

IMHO, once she decided to screw around, all bets are off-s--he ripped the bloom off the rose--she needs to grow up, come clean and don't bitch about the consequences but for goddess sakes, respect her husband and don't put her dirty laundry on the street--she was looking for validation that it was all ok ( yuk yuk a real Sex in the City moment) and she should just let it pass---if I were you, I'd back away because  mud has a tendency to spatter.