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Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:07:58 PM   
Carnae7


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline 		I'm really wanting some suggestions here.

There's a woman I know who says she's collared and sooo happy to have found the 'right man for her'. The thing is... I just got a letter from her guy saying that he wants to play with me, and he doesn't seem to consider himself as 'spoken for'. I'm really struggling with this!!! I have absolutely NO intention of playing with this guy for various personal reasons, the first of which, he just does not turn me on in the least!!

And I've thought about writing to her and asking if she knows about this and is okay with it, because if that were me, I'd like to know about it. Even if she knows he plays with others and is fine with it, I still feel an obligation to tell her.

So my question is... What would you do in this type of scenario? How would you handle it?


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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:11:02 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Is she your best friend? I get the feeling not. She wont thank you for getting involved and neither will he. I suggest you dont say anything or else you could end up in the middle of a total mess

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:12:21 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Agreed- you can respond and say "Oh I got the impression that you and she were exclusive now.  Sorry I don't want to get involved in that"

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:17:54 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline 		Let me see..you have a sub/slave friend who you know is collared to a D-Type. Her Dom contacted you and
wants to meet and play and says he isn't spoken for. I don't think I would say anything unless your friend brought up any potential red flags she might be seeing. As well, it would depend on how close I felt to the friend. Most likely, she probably has a suspicion that something isn't right or that he isn't being honest with her but has yet to say something. Sometimes, as a slave/submissive we so want to submit and aren't willing to ask questions when we see the red flags. As well, some M/D types do swing or play with others and while they may collar someone they may still see themselves as 'not spoken for'.

< Message edited by califsue -- 1/30/2009 5:18:36 PM >

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:19:16 PM   
BeIgnited


Posts: 191
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline 		While I agree with colouredin about the potential of this ending messily, were I the other woman, I would want to know.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:22:08 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just because she is monogamous with him does not mean that he is monogamous. She may not be allowed to play outside their relationship while he may be. Next time you see her, why not ask if they are both monogamous.

In the meantime, I think I would tell him that you would be glad to sit down with him and her to iron out the rules. He'll probably run away but if not, you can always say you've changed your mind.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:39:48 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I agree that he may not consider himself spoken for, especially if they have an agreement that she is to be monogamous but he is not.   You could start by asking her if the relationship is supposed to be monogamous on both sides. 

Sadly, there are cases when the woman being "cheated" on tends to hold it against the bearer of bad news instead of the partner.  I've tried to put myself in her shoes but my Master is poly and I knew that from the beginning.  I've had people report to me that he was with others and I've had to explain that I've known that all along and I thank them for their concern.  I ended up pulling my profile because one man caused me so much trouble about it and stirred up problems for others.  However, he did it for selfish reasons and not out of the goodness of his heart.

Would you want to know if you were in a similar situation?  And how would you want the person to approach you?  Your feelings may not match hers exactly but it is a place to start.  Obviously, if you can't stand the thought of him touching you then you shouldn't get together with him. 


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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 5:49:17 PM   
Morniel


Posts: 60
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		Your friend's relationship with this man, and his with her, is none of YOUR business.

If he's asked you to play and you don't wish to, for whatever reasons, simply say "Thank you, but I don't wish to become involved with you."  To HIM, not to this woman with whom he's got a relationship.

It's their business, not yours.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 7:16:53 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		I would ask her outright since her man contacted you to play if it is ok with her.

That is an innocent question, afterall.

What happens to them after that is well, their problem but at least she is all the wiser about this guy if it comes to be a shock.  Likely you are not the only one he contacts and eventually someone is gonna nibble his line and take him on.  Wouldn't she rather this bad news came from you than a stranger?


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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 7:32:31 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Same thing happened to me except I was the collared slave and I would have really appreciated someone telling me this was going on. Allot of people don't want to get involved or think they are butting in , but from someone that was on the other side it would have saved me allot of pain later. Do what you think is right in your heart.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 8:34:43 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I'm going to vote as if I were the woman collared to this man. No matter how painful or unwelcome this information could be for me, I'D WANT TO BE TOLD. A little heartache now could save me from a lot more later. If he were sneaking around behind my back, he would deserve to be busted. And I'd deserve to know the truth so that I could make an informed decision about whether to continue on with him. 

And if I did already know about it, and was cool with it, then I'd just thank you kindly for your concern and reassure you that its fine.

You sound as if she's more of an acquaintance than a friend, anyway. So what have you got to loose?

If I were you, I'd forward his email to you on to her, with a note telling her that he's just not your type at all and you were creeped out by the whole idea- especially since you wonder if she's being played. Put the ball squarely back in her court, where it belongs.

If you loose her friendship over it, then it wasn't very strong to begin with. So its not much of a loss.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 8:52:03 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Morniel

Your friend's relationship with this man, and his with her, is none of YOUR business.



I strongly disagree. The minute this man came onto Carnae7, his relationship to his collared submissive became Carnae7's business. Because she can't make a truly informed decision on the matter without knowing the particulars of their situation.

By his act of propositioning Carnae7, the man unwittingly made the nature of his relationship with his sub Carnae7's business.



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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 10:44:14 PM   
Carnae7


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you for all the support everyone!  It's true that I am not very close to this woman - yet!  But she is really wonderful, we hang with the same crowd, and I'd be really honoured if she were to think of me as dearly as I think of her.  She is an absolutley wonderful person, gentle, funny, smart and honest.  I certainly feel very protective of her and would really like to establish much more of a bond with her.  

Which is part of the reason I'm having such a struggle.  I do not want to upset her in any way.  If I tell her and she does not want to hear, it may ruin our budding friendship.  But if I don't tell her and she discovers that her guy went behind her back and wrote and asked me to play with Him, that may ruin our friendship as well.  Especially if I don't say anything to her about it.

But so far, I'm thinking my best course of action is to try to gently determine what sort of boundaries they have set for their relationship, determine if she is aware that He plays and that she is fine with it.  I'll decide from there what will be my best course of action.

I really appreciate everyone for speaking up and giving me options to choose from.  Thank you soo much.  And she's gone for the weekend, so I'll have time to hear more suggestions if anyone feels they have some wise words for me.  ~smiles~   Or at least a tried and true method for dealing with this type of scenario. 

Once again, thank you everyone.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 11:02:02 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		From a personal POV, I'd want to know.

I have been in a similar situation - a Dom asked me to play when I knew he was supposed to be Master to a woman I knew from a local munch.  I was clear with him - I told him I was a bit unsure whether it was wise to play with someone who knew his sub, and would he mind me asking if she was ok with the situation?  The vehemence of his response gave me the first clue that she was being kept in the dark, so I walked away.



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RE: Dilemma... - 1/30/2009 11:49:22 PM   
Nikitaa


Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		If he sends note to you then he sends note to others. One day he will cheat. One day she will find out. Maybe she find out you knew he likes to cheat. She will say "How come you not tell me, you are my friend, how could you keep secret I was with creep?"

You should tell her. She may not receive news well from you and she may dislike you or become angry with you. If she is your friend these events should not matter. Friends are suppose to do what is correct for friends even if bad feelings occur. Is correct for you to tell her and accept consequences. If you do not share information then you are more concerned with your feelings than with friends, then you are not true friend.

There is one exception. If you knew 100% he only tried to have you and he would never try for another lady and this was one time mistake then I would say keep secret because no thing good can happen by telling. This is not contradictory of what I said above. There is difference between one time weak moment and creep who ask many women to play.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 5:03:47 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline 		After reading the OP it seems to me that the real issue is not if he is playing with others or not, but that  "he doesn't seem to consider himself as 'spoken for'."  I know people who will vanilla date outside of the lifestyle and keep this aspect on the hush hush, but usually within the lifestyle people want to know if you are in a relationship or not. It does not mean play is out of the questions but it sets boundaries and keep everyone on the same page.

I almost always will check the Dom's sub before playing with them, not for permission but so there is open communication.

I like LA's response of a comment to the Dom and seeing what he says from there.. if he response with "no i am not in a relationship" when she thinks she is, then you have to decide on your level of friendship with his sub as to tell or not. Only know the kind of friendship you have with her.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 5:31:17 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Morniel

Your friend's relationship with this man, and his with her, is none of YOUR business.

If he's asked you to play and you don't wish to, for whatever reasons, simply say "Thank you, but I don't wish to become involved with you."  To HIM, not to this woman with whom he's got a relationship.

It's their business, not yours.


While it may be their business,she is now "involved" in their business.

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 7:00:24 AM   
Underumam


Posts: 485
Joined: 12/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Carnae7

I'm really wanting some suggestions here.

There's a woman I know who says she's collared and sooo happy to have found the 'right man for her'. The thing is... I just got a letter from her guy saying that he wants to play with me, and he doesn't seem to consider himself as 'spoken for'. I'm really struggling with this!!! I have absolutely NO intention of playing with this guy for various personal reasons, the first of which, he just does not turn me on in the least!!

And I've thought about writing to her and asking if she knows about this and is okay with it, because if that were me, I'd like to know about it. Even if she knows he plays with others and is fine with it, I still feel an obligation to tell her.

So my question is... What would you do in this type of scenario? How would you handle it?



If you're not attracted to him, why would you?

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RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 7:06:58 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		There is a ton of good advice on this page, but in the end, i think you know what you want to do. You don't like him (for whatever reasons) and you do like her. It sounds a bit like one of the issues is that you don't want to be a bitch and make his life hell, even though you DO want to do just that. It might really crush her, if their relationship isn't open for him, but as Nikitaa said, if he is perusing you, chances are he is perusing others and you are now (for a few reasons) involved in their relationship.

All I can really offer is flat out ask her if he is free to pursue others. That might put your mind to rest or give you a road map for where you feel and think you need to go next.


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RE: Dilemma... - 1/31/2009 7:26:07 AM   
bamagirl4u


Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline 		I wish someone had enlightened me before I invested 2 years with a former Dom.  It would saved me a lot of heartache,tears, and my heart.  I think if you feel you need to tell her then you should.  Good luck.

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