RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and why is it so bad to be one?

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RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:48:25 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Amaros

Fact is, some people are fairly passive by nature, and there are other people who are socially aggressive and take advantage of that and browbeat them - it's often thought of as an unhealthy dynamic, whether Vanilla or kink, but this is an external perception - to them it might be a match made in heaven. Technically it's really only an issue if it's posing a danger to oneself or others, although in modern mainstream terms, it usually revolves around the question of what the "doormat" is "getting out" of the relationship w/regard to whatever mainstream perceptions of what they ought to be getting out of it are.

i.e., the only one who can define whether or not you're a doormat is you.

Very good point and well said Amaros.

I am wondering though where being a doormat would be a danger to ones self or others, if you would please elaborate on this, it would be appreciated.

thank you

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 21

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:51:00 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Its someone who enters a bdsm relationship without any personal power, they put up with anything even if they don't want to do it with the reward being someone just might give a shit about them.

Giving up all authority is a VASTLY different thing because they have something to give up in the first place.

Training a puppy to sit up and beg and training a lion both result in the same act but one is a bit easier to train than the other.

I think i understand what you are saying here, Perhaps its if ones life is out of control how can they give control over if they don't have it?
But the puppy and lion analogy is escaping me. If one is not a doormat they are more dangerous?

Thank you and look forward to hearing more from you.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 22

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:53:22 AM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
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Doormats are things you walk all over and wipe feet. I like doormat for kinky toy. I do not wish doormate for serious relationship (kinky or not kinky) because doormates do not make good partners. Doormates allow others to walk over them. I do not mind if boyfriend allow me to walk on him. I will walk on him even if he do mind. I do NOT want others walking on my boyfriend.

Doormat in public is not good.
Private and personal doormate is very useful for kinky Nikita. Makes Nikita happy. <------Sometimes Nikita write with 3rd person.

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

Post #: 23

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:56:51 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

For me, 'doormat' refers to the individual who needs to submit so badly that xhe'll submit to anyone, anywhere, no questions asked. Xhe lives to please others, and hir satisfaction comes from acceptance, regardless of how that acceptance is expressed.

For myself, I -like- doormats. I find it problematic that the current culture of the community of WIITWD, in general, makes "doormat" seem like a -bad- thing, since that attitude has driven many a darling doormat so far underground that they're afraid to even show their faces any more where they might be discovered and polished up and put to good use. Anyone who doesn't want theirs are welcome to send them in my direction.

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 24

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 10:57:53 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I have found that the ones who have to SAY "I'm not a doormat" are almost always the ones most afraid that they really are, and almost always the ones who let themselves be taken advantage of in a way that does not fulfill them.

A doormat can be healthy, I know I was a happy fulfilled willing doormat in my previous relationship.

It's the ones who are afraid of the choices that shout so loudly against them. The ones who understand there is nothing to fear because THEY value their consent and take responsibility for their choices...being a doormat, or a master, or anything at all, is just one beautiful choice from another.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_916105/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#916126
Doormats

http://www.collarchat.com/m_759342/mpage_4/key_doormat/tm.htm#761465
Doormats- can we eliminate them?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_719413/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#719427
How do you draw the line between submissive and doormat?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202748/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#202751
Doormat sub/slaves..what are their identifiers

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1212646/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1212725
Doormats in Ds and bdsm

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1495361/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1495412
Definition of a doormat

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1872678/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1872786
Doms not wanting doormats

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1884328/mpage_1/key_doormat/tm.htm#1884469
Complete obedience = doormat?

Honestly, i must not be using the search feature correctly.. because i DID search "doormats" and nothing came up in my search before i started this thread. Thank for these links LuckyAlbatross, I look forward to reading them.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 25

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:04:12 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sparkyRBF
Very good point and well said Amaros.

I am wondering though where being a doormat would be a danger to ones self or others, if you would please elaborate on this, it would be appreciated.

thank you

I'm not real sure - having so many kids you die in childbirth maybe?

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

Post #: 26

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:07:33 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
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Catch a venereal disease because you're afraid to complain when your partner cheats on you? Go back after being beaten so bad you end up in the hospital?

It happens.

(in reply to Amaros)

Post #: 27

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:15:11 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

Doormats are things you walk all over and wipe feet. I like doormat for kinky toy. I do not wish doormate for serious relationship (kinky or not kinky) because doormates do not make good partners. Doormates allow others to walk over them. I do not mind if boyfriend allow me to walk on him. I will walk on him even if he do mind. I do NOT want others walking on my boyfriend.

Doormat in public is not good.
Private and personal doormate is very useful for kinky Nikita. Makes Nikita happy. <------Sometimes Nikita write with 3rd person.

I have to comment on this, after extended experience with, and great affection for, the 'doormat'. I think it is possible to have an exceptional, and very satisfying relationship with a "doormat"... the thing is, though, that the doormat requires a great deal of intervention from the controlling partner. If one's doormat is being walked all over by people that you don't want doing that, then it is up to the the dominant partner to put a stop to it... and taking on a doormat-level submissive individual means being aware and keeping track of things like this.

I can understand why many dominant individuals would prefer not to have doormat-level submissives... they're a lot of work, and the rewards are mostly subjective. This is typically compounded by a local "lifestyle" community that will often declare that dominant individual to be an "abuser", and will attempt to manipulate the doormat submissive into believing that xhe's being abused and trying to get her to leave the relationship, most often solely because these outsiders are uncomfortable with the depth of submission... frankly, it's a PITA... but I'll tell you what, some of the very best servants our household has had have either been doormat-level submissive individuals through their tenure with us and into their next situation, or have started out their journey with us that way, and to my mind, they've been some of the most diligent, worthwhile, servants we've ever had -- perpetually creative about ways to make us happy... willing to do what we NEED, not what -they- WANT... and capable of obtaining enough satisfaction from the knowledge that they've taken a burden off our shoulders that, should we be pushed to our limits, we don't need to worry about how we're going to 'reward' them until we can catch our breaths... something that one can only have had to -experience- to understand. Believe it or not, this actually makes me -more- interested in how I can nurture these amazingly giving people.

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 2/2/2009 11:16:16 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 28

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:22:27 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

The word doormat is a term used by people who have yet to realise that differant people have differant types of relationships basically.

Back in the day when I didnt really know what I was doing here I used to use the phrase I am not a doormat, it didnt really come from my view of other submissives but more my trying to stop Dominants from messaging me with the all too common line 'kneel bitch'. But then I became more aware of how the term was used and so I dont use it any more.

Its just as bad as topping from the bottom, they are just value judgements placed on other peoples relationships.

Thank you for your post colouredin.
I greatly respect people who see can admit to fault and correct it accordingly.
I think my favorite response to the "kneel bitch" msg is "aww, aren't you cute acting all dommy like"
I agree with you they are judgment values placed on other peoples relationships that are not well understood.

And while replying to your post i think i've just learned something.   I was thinking, i bet my mother sees me as Master's doormat and part of her problem is she can see how i don't put up with stuff from my family, i don't let them dump on me or manipulate me like i did before i had Master and i honestly think that is part of her problem with Master.    She feels like he is using me as a doormat so why can't she.

Thank you colouredin, good post..   I can't wait to share this with Master when he gets home tonight.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 29

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:25:52 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

from the bethdictionary:

doormat: (dôrmt) noun

1. a derogatory label folks use in an attempt to demean other submissive/slaves for doing things they wouldn't and/or experiencing submission differently than they do.

I would have to go with Miss Beth's 'bethinition' here.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 30

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:28:17 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Door mat in my opinion is a catch phrase used by subs to seem more experienced and to scare of weak willed Doms.

It is a derogatory term used against subs by other subs in lifestyle that requires atleast one person to submit to another.

There is constant discussion about the many levels of submission and how it is up to the individual to choose what they like. As in most things human nature takes over an we attack what we find unacceptable thus the label of door mat has been created.

It's my belief that no one knows you better than you and those who label you are jealous of your courage to be yourself.

Why do you feel we do this? I have noticed this trait in others and sometimes myself as well even though i know it is not condusive to learning and not healthy for me at all.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 31

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:29:20 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Thank you sparkyRBF for this thread.

Oceanwynds is a doormat to Sir and i am happy with that. People tell me I am a doormat, but they use it in a derogatory way. They simply do not comprehend what is happening, nor do I feel I need to explain. What Sir seeks is what i seek to give him. Goddess bless this doormat:)

oceanwynds

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

Post #: 32

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:34:19 AM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

To CallaFirestormBW about post some above. I should have said "....for me."
I believe you when you write some relationships with doormates can be good. There seems as there is someone for everyone.

For me dooormates make great toys and my current submissive is doormate. In serious relationship I wish for a partner who is NOT doormate.

You are correct when you write doormate people require much intervention and many dominant people wish not to have to do this. I do not wish to intervene every instance when serious boyfriend is in trouble. I want boyfriend to do his own punching of bad people. I will help if he needs. :-)

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 33

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:39:04 AM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

Doormats are things you walk all over and wipe feet. I like doormat for kinky toy. I do not wish doormate for serious relationship (kinky or not kinky) because doormates do not make good partners. Doormates allow others to walk over them. I do not mind if boyfriend allow me to walk on him. I will walk on him even if he do mind. I do NOT want others walking on my boyfriend.

Doormat in public is not good.
Private and personal doormate is very useful for kinky Nikita. Makes Nikita happy. <------Sometimes Nikita write with 3rd person.

Thank you Nikita, I enjoy your posts and your humor. It is impressive how well you can make it come across in another language not native to you.

This brings up a good point and an observation i've made in myself. Doormat to Master but not to the world.
Before i had Master i was not strong, i had no purpose to be strong for, i would seek out approval in all the wrong places. I would have the friends i was always doing stuff for but never with.. But then being with Master, i found self worth in being his slave and him being proud of his slave and i realized i deserved more.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 34

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:48:49 AM

oceanwynds

Posts: 1044
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline

Thank you LuckyAlbatross for adding these links.

These past couple of weeks I have been getting a lot of slack from people who aren't in Ds regarding my relationship with Sir. These have been of great help for me at this period of time.

oceanwynds

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 35

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 11:52:50 AM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

.

quote:

Thank you Nikita, I enjoy your posts and your humor. It is impressive how well you can make it come across in another language not native to you.

This brings up a good point and an observation i've made in myself. Doormat to Master but not to the world.
Before i had Master i was not strong, i had no purpose to be strong for, i would seek out approval in all the wrong places. I would have the friends i was always doing stuff for but never with.. But then being with Master, i found self worth in being his slave and him being proud of his slave and i realized i deserved more.

Yes. Doormate to world is not something I think is good for anyone unless person has protector.

Most of my humor come from my poor English I think. Many times I do not understand why people laugh. Sometimes I am serious and people laugh.

I am serious and mean dominatrix. Do not laugh at me. *stomps feet*

Oh no what did I do? Did I make scuff markings on new boots when I stomp. Fuck!

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

Post #: 36

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 12:04:10 PM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

.Yes. Doormate to world is not something I think is good for anyone unless person has protector.

Most of my humor come from my poor English I think. Many times I do not understand why people laugh. Sometimes I am serious and people laugh.

I am serious and mean dominatrix. Do not laugh at me. *stomps feet*

Oh no what did I do? Did I make scuff markings on new boots when I stomp. Fuck!

umm err.. ahhh Yes Ma'am!!!

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 37

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 12:04:28 PM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sparkyRBF

p.s. and please note i did say 'your' definition, not websters or dictionary.com

lowly regarded
no choice or voice

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to sparkyRBF)

Post #: 38

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 12:10:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

A doormat is commonly used to describe someone who does not have healthy boundaries. Say you have a brother who has smashed up three cars and asks to borrow yours. Someone with healthy boundaries will say no, they can't afford to let him ruin their car. A doormat would give in and hand over the keys, knowing that when he has another accident she will be unable to get to work.

As far as the correlation to good manners; there isn't one. It's just an ad hominem attack when they know they are in the wrong but unwilling to apologize and amend their ways.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to WiseCracknSadist)

Post #: 39

RE: What is your definition of "doormat" and ... - 2/2/2009 12:17:46 PM

sparkyRBF

Posts: 157
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwynds

Thank you sparkyRBF for this thread.

Oceanwynds is a doormat to Sir and i am happy with that. People tell me I am a doormat, but they use it in a derogatory way. They simply do not comprehend what is happening, nor do I feel I need to explain. What Sir seeks is what i seek to give him. Goddess bless this doormat:)

oceanwynds

It was one i was wondering for a little bit and actually kinda now feel a little silly and embarrassed because i did not find anything on my searches.. but yet still thankful for the links.

My hope for this thread was to show that doormat can be a good thing in our lifestyle and for the negative connotations to stop. And in some way i think it is doing that, but what i'm surprised about it doing is i'm finding out some things about myself that i had never thought of before.

Now, when you say "people" are you meaning within the lifestyle? or "vanilla" friends and family?

Thank you for your post, my fairytale unicorn sister.

_____________________________

sparkyRBF
Happily owned slave
of
RedBotttomFarms

(in reply to oceanwynds)

Post #: 40

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