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Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/2/2009 7:51:39 PM   
SorryNoBS


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline 		I posted this in O/our journal but I think that it could benefit more people here.


I am often conflicted on a personal level, in regards to owning a slave.  My job is to train her to be a better slave and look after her as my prized possession.  I need to constantly keep in mind her needs, wants, and desires.  People, with little knowledge of this lifestyle or who are just starting out, believe that the difficulties they face in the lifestyle will be physical in nature.  They worry about whether or not they will be able to find someone to take as a slave.  They are worried about their ability to properly restrain and punish a sub/slave.  All of the things pale in comparrison to the difficulty one will face in doing what is right and best for their slave.  The internal struggle to know that what you are doing is what you want and at the same time best for your slave.  It is impossible, for a decent, human being, to act without regard to another person.  I know that my slave wants and needs to be pushed and wants me to be as happy as I can be, but when is it too far?  In an ideal situation, all of my wants and needs should be met by my slave and at the same time they are being met, she should have no negative feelings in regards to what is being done.  In actuallity, every slave has feelings.  At times, it is My job to disregard them and at other times I need to take them into consideration and adjust my actions as necessary.  This is where the real struggle in owning a slave takes place.  The fine balancing act of taking what I want and yet not pushing them over the edge.  If I reward her too often, I run the risk of her feeling a sense of leniency and pushing the boundaries as she sees fit.  If I push her to far and punish her too often, she looses a sense of self worth and becomes more motivated by fear than a sense of accomplishment in serving well.  I know some people own through fear, but it just isn't me.  I want my slave to be the best and believe that my ability to walk this fine line is what will propel her towards being the perfect slave.  Owning a slave is not easy.  Being a good owner can be just as demanding as being a good slave.  The constant demand of having to keep someone else's well being in balance with your desires and wants is a grueling task and should not be taken on by those who have serious doubts in their abilities.  It is common to thing that there are no consequences to owning a slave, but this simply isn't true.  People, even slaves, are not robots.  A good slave will always try to make their Owner happy, but the reality is that they do, and always will, have feelings and a soul.  Abuse of the priviledge of owning a slave can ruin a slaves soul permanently and great care should always be taken when leading them through life.

I offer all of this up as a caution to potential owners and a notice to potential slaves.  Nothing in this lifestyle is as easy as it seems.  To gain a rewarding relationship, it will take sacrifice from both parties.  Owners and slave alike, know that your stuggles may be unique, but they are equal in unequal ways.   I value my slave above everyone else in my life, and would choose her over all others, but know that it doesn't make this life easy for me.  In fact, it makes it that much harder.  If you want to be a good owner know that if you struggle, you are probably doing something right.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/2/2009 8:38:18 PM   
Sexycelticlady


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/20/2008
Status: offline 		A very good post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

(in reply to SorryNoBS)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/2/2009 8:53:36 PM   
SorryNoBS


Posts: 3
Joined: 12/2/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry about all the typos... it was a rough draft that I just wrote out to clear my mind.

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Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/2/2009 10:12:02 PM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SorryNoBS

I offer all of this up as a caution to potential owners and a notice to potential slaves.  Nothing in this lifestyle is as easy as it seems.


Amen!  Nicely said.

Midnight Writer


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(in reply to SorryNoBS)
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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 12:12:34 AM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I've not been posting to the message board much.  However, I have often expressed the sex and kink aspects of the lifestyle are easy compared to the relationship part.   All relationships take work from both parties, and it's not always easy.

(in reply to SorryNoBS)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 1:08:11 AM   
JustDarkness


Posts: 1461
Joined: 7/25/2008
Status: offline 		Personally I don't think it is any eassier or harder then anything else in life beeing a good s or D. (life isn't always easy)Do find it an interesting read though. 

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 4:43:19 AM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SorryNoBS

I posted this in O/our journal but I think that it could benefit more people here.


I am often conflicted on a personal level, in regards to owning a slave.  My job is to train her to be a better slave and look after her as my prized possession.  I need to constantly keep in mind her needs, wants, and desires.  People, with little knowledge of this lifestyle or who are just starting out, believe that the difficulties they face in the lifestyle will be physical in nature.  They worry about whether or not they will be able to find someone to take as a slave.  They are worried about their ability to properly restrain and punish a sub/slave.  All of the things pale in comparrison to the difficulty one will face in doing what is right and best for their slave.  The internal struggle to know that what you are doing is what you want and at the same time best for your slave.  It is impossible, for a decent, human being, to act without regard to another person.  I know that my slave wants and needs to be pushed and wants me to be as happy as I can be, but when is it too far?  In an ideal situation, all of my wants and needs should be met by my slave and at the same time they are being met, she should have no negative feelings in regards to what is being done.  In actuallity, every slave has feelings.  At times, it is My job to disregard them and at other times I need to take them into consideration and adjust my actions as necessary.  This is where the real struggle in owning a slave takes place.  The fine balancing act of taking what I want and yet not pushing them over the edge.  If I reward her too often, I run the risk of her feeling a sense of leniency and pushing the boundaries as she sees fit.  If I push her to far and punish her too often, she looses a sense of self worth and becomes more motivated by fear than a sense of accomplishment in serving well.  I know some people own through fear, but it just isn't me.  I want my slave to be the best and believe that my ability to walk this fine line is what will propel her towards being the perfect slave.  Owning a slave is not easy.  Being a good owner can be just as demanding as being a good slave.  The constant demand of having to keep someone else's well being in balance with your desires and wants is a grueling task and should not be taken on by those who have serious doubts in their abilities.  It is common to thing that there are no consequences to owning a slave, but this simply isn't true.  People, even slaves, are not robots.  A good slave will always try to make their Owner happy, but the reality is that they do, and always will, have feelings and a soul.  Abuse of the priviledge of owning a slave can ruin a slaves soul permanently and great care should always be taken when leading them through life.

I offer all of this up as a caution to potential owners and a notice to potential slaves.  Nothing in this lifestyle is as easy as it seems.  To gain a rewarding relationship, it will take sacrifice from both parties.  Owners and slave alike, know that your stuggles may be unique, but they are equal in unequal ways.   I value my slave above everyone else in my life, and would choose her over all others, but know that it doesn't make this life easy for me.  In fact, it makes it that much harder.  If you want to be a good owner know that if you struggle, you are probably doing something right.

Very interesting post and thankyou .
I worried about the very points you mentioned some years back and developed a little system based loosely around the workplace appraisal .(emmm very loosely )

I split up the basics of what i viewed important yardsticks that make us tick along happily(eg sexuality. career development , her overall happiness etc ) and asked myself  as to whether she was either just as happy as she was 3 months ago , is she still working towards career goals etc etc etc) and if i felt or indeed she commented on any specific area then action was required.(oversimplified but hopefully you get the gist)
Of course life cant be compartmentalised so easily but at least it was a yardstick to follow rather than assuming my basic gut instinct was always correct(a sub constantly saying how wonderful you are could all too easily cloud any thoughts of personal shortfalls.)

Plus i do plan on introducing the "appraisal" into scene/roleplay creation with a serious undercurrent of looking after her(when "she" appears ) properly but find the appraisal idea kinda hot also 
Thanks again for posting such open thoughts


(in reply to SorryNoBS)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 6:04:50 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		I have been both a Domme and a slave.  I think that many in the submissive role don't understand how much thought their Dominant puts into the relationship and the delicate balance that needs to be there.  It is a lot of work. 

I applaud you for not falling into the trap of thinking that a slave should just "suck it up" but that their feelings do matter.  What might seem like a very easy task for you might bring up long held feelings for her and ghosts from the past that you know nothing about.  When I switched from being a Domme to a slave what hit me the hardest was the depth of the emotions that I felt.  There was fear of whether I could actually trust someone so deeply, old situations from my life that were stirred up (which actually allowed me to finally heal the old scars), tasks that might have come very easily for some slaves but were torture for me - but through it I found that I have an inner strength much greater than I ever expected.  I am not endlessly complimented but when I get one I treasure it.  I don't get every single need met but enough that it leaves me feeling fulfilled and truly craving to please. 

As the title of your post says, neither role is easy.  My Master works hard to fulfill his role well and I work hard in a different way to fulfill mine.  We take care of each other - each in different ways - and both take care of the relationship.  The trust continues to grow between us as does our bond.  For both of us it means attention to detail and thinking about the other as well as ourselves.  I've found a D/s relationship to be much more soul stirring than a vanilla one simply because of the attention to detail that needs to be paid and the honesty about both yourself and your relationship to the other that is necessary for trust to grow.  When things go well it is entirely worth all of the hard work even if there are moments when it seems almost too hard to bear.


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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 6:12:03 AM   
SassySarijane


Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

Good post! It brings up some valid points and concerns. Thank you for sharing.

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 6:28:52 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Greetings..

Very well put Sir..

Often times it is this mentality towards the dynamic that leads me to simply say that my thoughts and focus are always on Master and his on me. We both understand that in order to fulfill that which we sought to begin with..we require the other, and to put attentions onto our selves first leads to a lost connection in everything. We achieve what we need and want simply by putting the other first.

I have to dis-agree though that living and maintaining a M/s dynamic isn't any harder than a vanilla one due to the fact that many facets of such a dynamic go against the normalcys of everyday life in how one might interact. It is a extra struggle on both sides of the M/s coin to be weary of.

starshine


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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 6:53:12 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I'm not really sure how this differs from the give and take that needs to happen in any relationship D/s or otherwise.

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 6:56:12 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm not really sure how this differs from the give and take that needs to happen in any relationship D/s or otherwise.


Thank goodness someone said it

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 7:11:35 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Owning a slave is not easy. 


I disagree.. Owning a slave is the easy part..... Keeping them can be the hard part. 


quote:

it will take sacrifice from both parties.  


I disagree.. sacrifices is not something that equates in my world.  To me a scarifice is giving something that you want to keep something else of equal value (very much a choice between the rock and hard place).   Nothing is on par with my girls... so.. It is impossible for me to scarifice something of equal value to them.  My choice to have my girls does mean I will not have some things.  But.... these are not scarifices.. it is not even paying the price... it's simply making a choice to have something of  higher value over other things of lesser value.   To me this is very much looking at the glass half full instead of half empty.   I am enjoy my High valued choice instead of concern with lesser value choices.

quote:


I value my slave above everyone else in my life, and would choose her over all others, but know that it doesn't make this life easy for me.  In fact, it makes it that much harder.  If you want to be a good owner know that if you struggle, you are probably doing something right.


Interesting.... I would say the very opposite... Choosing my girls has made my life alot easier for me... and I would say that if your struggling... What are you doing wrong?

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 2/3/2009 7:13:33 AM >

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 7:14:07 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I agree with your post and think sometimes some people don't actually think of the reality of things. They have an overly romanticized view which sets them up for disappointment,  then when reality sets in they say it isn't working.

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 8:13:42 AM   
chezzy71


Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline 		Mistress Cat as always is three steps ahead of me.My exact thoughts.

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 8:30:47 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Actually I think it's not that hard at all, I think we MAKE it and CREATE it to be a lot harder than it has to be. 

Of course life isn't all peaches n cream, but I like to keep perspective by reminding myself that this is another of those middle/upper class problems.  I'm so blessed I actually have time to care about the issues of being in a relationships that's alternative.  I have enough leisure time and money to be able to discuss these issues online. 

That doesn't mean the problems disappear, but it puts them in the right frame of reference.

It's who I am- that's the really only choice there is.  So it is both simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing to be.

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 8:36:06 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		As one of our Australian Prime Ministers is famous (or infamous) for saying "Life wasn't meant to be easy!" I'ts been my experience that everything worth having or doing is never easy and lets face it most people don't value things that they get easily anyway. 

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 8:40:11 AM   
feydeplume


Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline 		It is great to see someone taking responsibility for their part of the relationship and aware that a relationship is a delicate thing. I'm sort of in the "yeah all relationships are hard work" camp, but I LOVE to see either/any partner pay attention to the balance  between their wants and needs and their partner(s) wants and needs. Breaking down the hidden expectations and having that epiphany about "wow this is a real person and i could hurt them!" is a serious growing up moment. I hope it is one that we all have, sooner rather than later.


Should have been a Fast Reply *sigh*


< Message edited by feydeplume -- 2/3/2009 8:41:47 AM >

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 9:06:18 AM   
Knite064


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I'm not really sure how this differs from the give and take that needs to happen in any relationship D/s or otherwise.


i think as you suggest any relationship has to be worked at whether it be vanilla or lifestyle but certainly for me anyhow there is a desire to know that the submissive is growing as a person within the relationship and whilst i accept its different for all relationships i do take a fair bit of control within my relationships and i want to know that my decisions are positive for not only her but i.(avoiding the god complex and believing im perfect)
In my vanilla relationships ive always expected for her to voice her opinion, but there is the added dynamic of wanting/needng to please in a lifestyle relationship that can result in  submissive not feeling her life goals are of value.
I just believe in having checks and of course only speak for my own dynamic.

Be well

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RE: Neither role is easy in this lifestyle - 2/3/2009 9:16:38 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		being Master's slave hasn't been hard, a struggle or full of sacrifice.
 
if that's "wrong", this slave has no interest in being "right".

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