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RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:43:56 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

No, I've never asked for a reference. First of all, no one is going to give the name of someone they scorned, hurt or injured in some way. And second of all, I don't trust other people to make my assessments for me. In other words, who vouches for the person giving the reference? How would I know they're capable of discerning who is safe, honorable, etc, and who is not? I trust myself to make the judgement calls that I need to make. And if I make a mistake, it's mine, not someone else's. Pure. Simple.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 21

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:46:59 PM

forevamber

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Well, newbie here but the fact that someone offers references is greatly appreciated. Yes, I'm familiar with Gavin DeBecker's work and will listen to my own intuition. There's no excuse for not following general safety protocol when meeting new people from any internet community. Greatly reduces your chances of ending up hacked to pieces in a duffel bag, I always say.

I wonder what someone would say about me: "Able to converse intelligently but keeps forgetting to call me Sir" is probably at the top of the list.

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 22

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:50:11 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Lets keep this in perspective.

Both Bush and Clinton could provide "excellent" references...and many think one or the other were complete idiots...

(in reply to forevamber)

Post #: 23

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:54:47 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

I know i get "really obedient, but giggles a lot" and "She will make silly faces at you if you try to gag her". oh and "Her favorite word seems to be beige"

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Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to forevamber)

Post #: 24

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:55:17 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Asking for references??? Hell.. as a male.... I have hard time asking for directions!!! asking for references seem like pie in the sky for me.

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 25

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 3:57:33 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

I keep seeing these profiles that say, "references provided"---how in the world and how valid are references provided on either side of the slash line? (D/s)?

Have you ever requested or provided references? What do you say/ask for?

I'm thinking something like " great oral slave but sucks at daily laundry"

edited for typo

Yes I have provided and sought references - very informally and with "vanilla" friends usually (though I'd do the same if I was interested in a person I knew other BDSM folk as well). It went something along the lines of "Hey what do you think of Tony?" "He's a pretty good guy. He took me on a date but I thought he was a lousy kisser." or "Eww, I caught him looking up my skirt with mirror."

I'm not inclined to go with the whole "formal references" thing but for those that are... *shrugs* No skin off my teeth. If asked, I couldn't provide references for myself beyond "I dunno. Go to LF and find people who know me."

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/3/2009 3:59:36 PM >

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 26

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:05:23 PM

T1981

Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: feydeplume

I know i get "really obedient, but giggles a lot" and "She will make silly faces at you if you try to gag her". oh and "Her favorite word seems to be beige"

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(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 27

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:14:07 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

"yeah! Well what about you? "Is bound (hehhe) to be cheerful and sweet" or "painslut, but won't drink her Gatorade"?

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to T1981)

Post #: 28

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:15:32 PM

T1981

Posts: 557
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline

BWHAHAHA!!!!

I don't know, if someone were to reference me it probably read pretty much like what you wrote! (with the added - "She comes equipped with a gag. No, really, you're going to need it. TRUST ME.")

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(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 29

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:18:49 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

I can sooo see that. Tada! now we have references!

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to T1981)

Post #: 30

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:23:29 PM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

I add my two cents that references are not a really reliable source of information...which makes me think---background check---but only if had a red light go off. I am a fair judge of character, well..if you don't include my last Dom. I guess my two cents on this one is not even worth two cents...sigh...

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(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 31

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 4:51:41 PM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline

I have never asked for or been asked for references. I wouldn't even know how to contact prior play partners at this point to be able to provide references. I have always trusted my instincts, and so far it's worked for me.

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formally collared 1/30/09

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(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 32

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 6:22:33 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

I figure that scene references are probably about as useful as job references... After years of hiring and firing, you know when a company or department REALLY wants to get rid of someone, because they give -rave- references, and make the person seem almost superhuman.

I don't ask people for references. I also don't bring them deeply into our family until I've gotten to know them and they've gotten to know me pretty damned well.

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 33

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 6:48:38 PM

silkncarol

Posts: 318
Status: offline

You really do have to take references offered with a grain of salt.....like many have said, you need to consider the source. I will ask someone if they're active in the local community, for me that's a good place to start...are they well liked, respected, sane? I've also found over the years if i wanted to know about a Dominant, i'd check in with the sub network.....their reputation there.....and though you'll most likely get negative references from Ex's, you'll also begin to see a pattern if there's one there.

All that said and done, you need to follow your gut instincts about a person and go with what feels right to you.

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Shoes can change your life................. Cinderella

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 34

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 7:14:17 PM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

Depends on the reference. If reference is from well known kink community person this means something. If reference is random person so what? If reference is from his priest...ummmm...?

Before I select a sub I try to get reference from his wife. If his wife is unavailable then I call his mother.

I make edit....

I will run internet back ground check before I have any internet man come to my place. If he has violent criminal record then he not for me.

< Message edited by Nikitaa -- 2/3/2009 7:15:59 PM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 35

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 7:53:43 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I once had a man ask for my references... not that he cared what they had to say, but so that he could know where I ran, if I ran away. He wanted to know most everything... a very curious guy he was. When I didn't give him what he wanted and when I didn't play the game... he just got into my computer and found out anyway. So if I am tainted and a bit jaded... that's okay... the only reference I feel is worth a shit... is the kind that says... no criminal history... and when they start asking for references... I get on that history real quick.

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(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 36

RE: References please - 2/3/2009 9:19:51 PM

Opalescence

Posts: 47
Joined: 9/2/2008
Status: offline

I've always frowned at the idea of references. Seriously? It's not difficult to make up another screen name and pretend to be someone else. Also, this person could be a total nut job and could have nut job friends. Screw that, I'll go with my gut reaction, it hasn't led me astray yet.

If anyone asks me for references I smile pretty and explain to them that all my friends like me and are thus biased. I could be the cutest little serial killer you've ever met, my friends wouldn't tell random strangers that. Seesh.

< Message edited by Opalescence -- 2/3/2009 9:21:04 PM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 37

RE: References please - 2/4/2009 2:04:10 AM

chezzy71

Posts: 412
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

Flips throught the pages of his Funk and Wagnall's to look up references.

(in reply to Opalescence)

Post #: 38

RE: References please - 2/4/2009 2:49:03 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

No, I've never asked for a reference. First of all, no one is going to give the name of someone they scorned, hurt or injured in some way. And second of all, I don't trust other people to make my assessments for me. In other words, who vouches for the person giving the reference? How would I know they're capable of discerning who is safe, honorable, etc, and who is not? I trust myself to make the judgement calls that I need to make. And if I make a mistake, it's mine, not someone else's. Pure. Simple.

If you're one of those seeking de-humanised meat to play with no strings attached, as seems commonplace at community functions etc, then I can see a value in references....

However, my interests lie solely in the realm of a personal/private relationship, which renders outsider's opinions (referee) irrelevant, laughable and even insulting when offered or asked for. I know what attracts me so only my opinion has relevance and I'd expect the same of any mature adult of a mind to reciprocate.

Focus.

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(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 39

RE: References please - 2/4/2009 3:46:02 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Fr

Seems a lot of people are seeing referances as internet only so let me offer an example of a situation.

Molly has been a friend of yours for years and years. You meet James and go on a date with him. The next time you meet Molly she says oh I know James.

Are you all honestly saying that you wouldnt ask Molly about James?

If not then you are all far less nosey than me.

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 40

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