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What would you do If your Master said you both would no... - 2/4/2009 11:20:05 PM

ODschainedangel

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/4/2004
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A subject came up amoung me and some others that got me to thinking
about something.

A slave is to obey and be pleasing to her Master. Her Master is to
have the final say in all things. Given the truth of these things,
what if a slave's Master decided he wished them to be vanilla? The
two are also Husband and wife. The two were Master and slave before
they were married. The slave got with this person in part because
they both wanted the same type of relationship. The slave is slave
and feels this in her very being and wishes they could stay
Master/slave. If she is to obey and her Master is to have final say
in their lifes then would she obey this new rule?

Would the fact the Master is saying, "I am no longer your Master you
are no longer my slave" make the rules of obeying him and him having
the final say null and void? Would it be braking the rules if she did
stay but tried ways to get him to Master her?

Would her knowing her place as a slave and staying in that place by
obeying him make him go back to being her Master?

I have confused feeling on this myself so I thought others might have
better insight. I know their was a time in my life I would have said
if my Master said we are going vanilla I would have felt then I would
have to leave the relationship. I am not sure I could do that
anymore. After 5 years with my Lord emotional feelings and love has
grew. I am not sure I could give up the man just because he could not
be the Master. I am just thankful that I don't think this will ever
be something I have to decide.

This is not the first time I have heard of this happening so I
thought maybe it would make a good topic.

Angel LL's slave girl

Post #: 1

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/4/2009 11:24:47 PM

Usako

Posts: 697
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NYC
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I would say fuck that shit. I think that's a rather big choice to make and one that should be talked about with BOTH parties involved...not just a wam bam thank you ma'am deal. I doubt I'd be with a guy in a d/s sense let alone marry him if he thought so little of me to make life altering choices without even so much as consulting me. Now if he had the idea and we spoke about it...would I agree is a whole other story. I don't know how I'd react so I'm not going to guess. I just know how I would react if someone sprung something of this nature on me with no warning or concern.

Then again I'm not a slave nor would I ever will be, nor would I ever choose a man who treated me like a doormat.

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 2

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/4/2009 11:30:49 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

g her Master?

I have confused feeling on this myself so I thought others might have
better insight. I know their was a time in my life I would have said
if my Master said we are going vanilla I would have felt then I would
have to leave the relationship. I am not sure I could do that
anymore. After 5 years with my Lord emotional feelings and love has
grew. I am not sure I could give up the man just because he could not
be the Master. I am just thankful that I don't think this will ever
be something I have to decide.

This is not the first time I have heard of this happening so I
thought maybe it would make a good topic.

Angel LL's slave girl

Okay...a lot of what ifs... I guess it might depend on what you view as Master/slave kinds of things.

I would stay in a relationship where love was mutual and needs were being met. It doesn't matter what kind of acronym might describe it. If he no longer wanted to meet that set of needs...then we would have to evaluate why he changed his mind. It may be something we can ride out. Or it may be something that means we'll need to seek partners outside of the marriage. If neither one of us wants to put the effort into finding a way to be together and be fulfilled, it's probably best to call it quits.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 3

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 12:04:13 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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Nothing much would change for me. He'd still be the same person, he'd still be doing the leading, making the decisions, because that's the way he is regardless of the way we describe ourselves in D/s terms.

I follow him because of the qualities he has as a man, not because he is my *master*.

agirl

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 4

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 2:05:28 AM

ODschainedangel

Posts: 69
Joined: 10/4/2004
Status: offline

Yes that is me also. I am a southern girl born and raised. LOL. It is only natural to me that the man has the final say in the home. That the Home is his castle and I am to serve him. I do have to wonder though the play and kinky part if this happened what would happen to that. It is not the most important part but is a part of who I am. I would also miss calling him My Lord. I can count on one hand the times in 5 years I have called him by his name and that was normally in a very vanilla type setting like at our son's school.

I am glad my Lord is the type who wants a M/S TPE relationship. This confersation though really got me to wondering how others felt about it.

Angel

[/quote]

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 5

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 2:22:27 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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If i were happy with him then it would make no difference. If though I felt after a while that the relationship stopped working for me then I would have thought that he would be feeling it too and a discussion would occur. If that didnt work then I would leave.

Im not sure that a dynamic can change that quickly. I think its easy to say stuff like that and then when it comes down to it not really changing, old habits die hard.

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(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 6

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 2:54:26 AM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

what if a slave's Master decided he wished them to be vanilla? The
two are also Husband and wife.

Umm, that makes him "unmastering" himself, so it would be a contradictio in terminis. He can only speak for himself if he is no longer the master.

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 7

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 3:22:00 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I just thought I'd add that I'm not submissive and I don't have any desire to serve , either. It's also not natural to me that a man has the final say. It's only become natural in this relationship and this relationship only.

The kinky sex, sadism and D/s trappings don't really have anything to do with the way I relate to him, and if they were all stripped away I'd still have exactly what I have now; a strong, dominant man.

agirl

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 8

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 3:56:07 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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I happen to think that it's human nature (regardless of what we identify as) for people to feel fulfilled, and to stay in, relationships that meet their particular needs. And I think when and if those needs are no longer being met, the relationship is going to suffer or end.

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 9

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 4:30:26 AM

ExKat

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/25/2008
Status: offline

Frankly, I would feel that I was owed and explanation and a part in the decision. Since D/s is important to your happiness, him simply up and changing that doesn't really seem fair. Since the d/s came before the relationship, he's changing something that is fundamentally you two, and, to be honest, you seem unwilling to give it up: you may not be allowed to call him that, but he's still your master. So how long before the uneven status, him not being your master to him but still being your master to you, starts to drive you crazy?

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Post #: 10

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 4:32:33 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

IMHO, the word vanilla erases the D/s, M/s and at that point all bets are off.

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(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 11

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 4:36:54 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Totally gotta say this but although we are so enlightened EVERY relationship has a power dynamic even if the people involved dont actually identify as being involved in D/s it is actually still there.

_____________________________

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 12

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 4:45:52 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ODschainedangel

what if a slave's Master decided he wished them to be vanilla?

not a slave

however this wouldn't be a problem between Daddy/me and me/pet. there's a time and place when being chocolate (kinky) is ok and when it's not. i can't "live" in the kink mode 24/7/365 ...i have a career, ums to raise, etc which requires me to be "ordinary".

_____________________________

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(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 13

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:18:48 AM

LarabysLair

Posts: 156
Joined: 5/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExKat

Frankly, I would feel that I was owed and explanation and a part in the decision. Since D/s is important to your happiness, him simply up and changing that doesn't really seem fair. Since the d/s came before the relationship, he's changing something that is fundamentally you two, and, to be honest, you seem unwilling to give it up: you may not be allowed to call him that, but he's still your master. So how long before the uneven status, him not being your master to him but still being your master to you, starts to drive you crazy?

Hi Ex

For a little clarification, my angel posted the OP as a way of trying to find out how people felt about a situation that is happening with a good friend of ours and her family. We would like to help her find her chi in this and maybe even encourage her as too go about getting their dynamic back to M/s. Her Master is one that when they met, he was not the Dominant he said he was. I rescued her from his clutches a few years ago. She wanted to escape, so I moved her out and put her up for awhile. But, she went back to him after he had muchly changed his views on her needs and expectations. She and he were happy at least for quite awhile. They married and I wished them every happiness.

Then about 9 months ago, a terrible tragedy hit the family and a close loved one was lost. It think it shook him to his core and he lost interest after that. Now, she is floundering in the marriage trying to figure out what to do. I can only give encouragement to her without stepping into their issues again. And while I love the slave dearly, I won't try to rescue her from her marriage. So, the post was because my angel wanted to know what's the best way to handle that situation, should it arise for anyone here.

Thanks,

LL

< Message edited by LarabysLair -- 2/5/2009 5:20:34 AM >

(in reply to ExKat)

Post #: 14

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:26:03 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Well thats different. This guy needs some help to get through whatever he is dealing with. I suggest kink friendly councilling both seperatly and together, I am sure that someone will be able to provide a link to one in your area.

You cant help 'get the M/s back' if he doesnt want to BUT he should get help.

What you should do is simply be an ear, listen to the problems suggest the councilling but dont advise too much.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to LarabysLair)

Post #: 15

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:33:55 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

"Would her knowing her place as a slave and staying in that place by obeying him make him go back to being her Master?"
Short answer: No, and soon one or the other will be looking for a lawyer. You can't make someone be something they aren't or don't want to be, at least not for long.And in M/s, the slave continuing to act/be the slave will push them apart even faster.

Just saying "I am no longer Master" has a really negative effect on whatever trust was left. I say whatever trust is left because usually there is a lot of trust breaking that happens on both sides before this ultimatum. Often the M is just stating a fact, not demanding a change in the relationship. Conflict resolution stopped working (or never really worked), both parties spent too much time focused on outside things and the relationship took second, or fifth place too many times. The slave and Master got lazy about rules and protocols, social pressure to act the couples on TV slowly ate away at their resolve to live differently etc. Hundreds of little things went wrong over time and the M didn't address them and the s let it slide. So now, it is a vanilla relationship, possibly with kink in the bedroom, possibly not.

My point is that BOTH parties did it to themselves. If the slave still feels that they are a slave, they really have to stop and ask themselves are they a slave to an idea in their head or to a person and are they a good slave? What parts of our agreement did i fail to live up to? How much effort did my M put in compared to how much I put in? Did i really do my best to be a slave to this M? Was my M ever my M out of the bedroom or in nonsexual ways and did they ever really like it? Did I ever really like it? Did I, the slave, just become a total emotional and mental drain on my M?

I'll shut up now. I have just seen this play out a few times and it is sad to watch the slow motion train wreck and growing pain and discontent in both people.

_____________________________

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If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to ODschainedangel)

Post #: 16

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:43:28 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LarabysLair

For a little clarification, my angel posted the OP as a way of trying to find out how people felt about a situation that is happening with a good friend of ours and her family. We would like to help her find her chi in this and maybe even encourage her as too go about getting their dynamic back to M/s. Her Master is one that when they met, he was not the Dominant he said he was. I rescued her from his clutches a few years ago. She wanted to escape, so I moved her out and put her up for awhile. But, she went back to him after he had muchly changed his views on her needs and expectations. She and he were happy at least for quite awhile. They married and I wished them every happiness.

Then about 9 months ago, a terrible tragedy hit the family and a close loved one was lost. It think it shook him to his core and he lost interest after that. Now, she is floundering in the marriage trying to figure out what to do. I can only give encouragement to her without stepping into their issues again. And while I love the slave dearly, I won't try to rescue her from her marriage. So, the post was because my angel wanted to know what's the best way to handle that situation, should it arise for anyone here.

Thanks,

LL

If things were so bad that this lady needed to be rescued, it sounds like a little more going on than d/s. I cannot suggest anything not knowing safety factors, but if there is anything unsafe... there is far more to be concerned about than his wanting to be 'vanilla' now. A healthy relationship of any kind doesn't need rescuing from. If she needed rescuing before... for safety reasons and there was a major upset and he is wavering and having problems, it might be time to think of some more serious things.

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(in reply to LarabysLair)

Post #: 17

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:44:19 AM

feydeplume

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Joined: 12/24/2008
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What she said! grieving is serious and if he had that bad of a shock, he might have closed down emotionally and doesn't have it in him right now. Counseling and support from friends (and a careful eye to make sure he doesn't head down a path of self harm or risk taking)

If he feels that his life is totally different now, then he needs time to see if M/s has a place in it. Sure it's not fair to the s, but she STILL can't make him be her M if he is not in an emotional or mental place to be on AND if he doesn't want to be one.

From what you have said, the d/s aspect of the relationship was rocky to start with and this might be him being as responsible as he can be, freeing her so he doesn't do harm and do whatever it was that made you rescue her in the first place. It might really be him caring and being responsible.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 18

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:47:12 AM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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This is life stuff really. A death of someone close can cause all sorts of upheaval in any relationship.

Perhaps he doesn't want/isn't able/not motivated to put effort into the responsibility of being a master at this time. He possibly sees the D/s as a pressure he could do without.

Only your friend knows whether he *is* dominant or *does* dominance, which might make a difference as to whether he'll pick the reins up again at some point when he's further through grieving.

agirl

(in reply to LarabysLair)

Post #: 19

RE: What would you do If your Master said you both woul... - 2/5/2009 5:59:59 AM

lusciouslips19

Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
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I have been faced with this myself. My Sir is more Top than Master and there are D's elements i wish were their and yet are relationship is good. But lately the BDSM side has slid as he has delt with physical issues he is trying to make better. so we dont do much of that. Other than a spank here and there. The vanillas side is great and he does have final say so as my Alpha male. But he does know that there could be a time i leave for "more" because of other things or I if things develop more on a personal level and dont go back eventually to the BDSM relationship, then I would ask about seeking another with his approval. If I didnt get it, I'm still not sure what I would do. That is a bridge not yet needing to be crossed.

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