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RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 8:50:26 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

I love it that someone finally asked the question I've been asking in my head for years.

I'm not wired for 'mean' - I'm wired for 'I devote a lot of energy to the comfort of others.' It is a LOT of work to be rude all the time.' Mean, loud, crass, shrill - those aren't dominant traits - those are just bad behavior and it comes off looking like a cross between 'petulant' and 'fishwife'. It's fake, its hard to defend and difficult to support - not to mention exhausting.

I'm the person I normally am - manners and everything- and it's seemed to work okay so far. Besides, I dont need to speak above a whisper in a submissive's ear. ;)

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 41

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 9:00:34 AM

Knite064

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/21/2009
Status: offline

Hello Nikitaa
Assuming being nice, polite and friendly is your natural way then i d suggest you dont look for personal weakness in those traits but view them as personal strenths, whilst im certainly not avocating any falseness if one is naturally pleasant to others but if one is then it becomes an asset when in play as it exagerates the dark side and potentially makes a scene all the more effective when a new submissives sees for the first time "that side" of you.

I like corny sayings so heres one.....soft roses make the thorns seem so much sharper and sharp thorns make the roses seem so much sweeter.

Hers another :) Develop in what you are not what others may claim to be

be well

< Message edited by Knite064 -- 2/12/2009 9:02:28 AM >

(in reply to MsFlutter)

Post #: 42

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 9:12:38 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

Well I tend to be fairly formal in my CM contacts, and I am occasionally forced to wonder whether I'm coming on strong enough or not - when every profile warns against coming on too strong, I have to take you at your word - but other than actually meeting me and feeling my awesome presence, hypnotic gaze, and satyric leer, I'm not sure how to come on any stronger anyways, without resorting to the sort of pre-emptive approach that all these profiles warn against.

Clues anybody?

< Message edited by Amaros -- 2/12/2009 9:14:43 AM >

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 43

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 9:37:33 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian
She should be dominant from the beginning, yes,

This struck me as odd, and so did the notion that being dominant was being true to yourself. Is being submissive being false to yourself? And why the hell should I "be dominant" toward someone if I don't even know if I want them in my life? "Here's a little about me, please tell me a little about you," is being human, not dominant or submissive.

Dominance to me means inspiring others to follow my lead. People will only do that if following me somehow conforms to being true to themselves. Anything else is manipulation, or deceit. And there are some personality types I don't want near me. I'm not looking to dominate them. I'm looking to avoid them.

I know women with sub profiles who are very controlling, and women with dom profiles who have bent over backward to make sure I have a good time. I really don't care about anything people write in their profiles. I care what people tell me, when we are chatting, and meeting in person. And I care about how people act, in real life.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 44

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 9:41:37 AM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

Yo.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 45

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 11:04:12 AM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In my very strong opinion, the only want to be a dominant is to be yourself fully and completely.

The only person you will always need to answer to is yourself so be proud of and pleased with yourself first and foremost.

(I snipped some)

Many write "be yourself." This is dilemma for myself. If I were seeking serious kink relationship then I think my profile is okay. Is who I am and my forum post are who I am.

I NOT seek serious kink relationship. In college many women not seek marriage, only have fun dating. Same for myself and kink. I not seek seriousness, I seek to fulfill specific kink fantasies. These fantasies I am mean. I am not many times nice and often cruel. I tell potential partners about the kink specifics when they message. Some reply and write I am a crazy bitch and some even write mean things. Many men like what I desire and I have a few men I am chatting to for potential play partners.

What I wonder is should my profile reflect who I am or the girl I will be in my fantasy? I am not fantasy kink girl 24/7. Sub men will not see much nice Nikita because they will not be around after play time.

I am thinking I should write profile the way the "person" in my fantasy would write. SHE IS FIERCE MEAN BITCH AND SHE WILL WALK OVER YOU and other kinky stuff. lol.

I know post seem silly or odd. I ask because I see so many harsh and rude dominant profiles I wonder if I should write same.
In the future I will seek a serious kinky partner and boyfriends. Not now.

^^^^^Not really questions. Only random thoughts seeking other random thoughts on subject.

---
bonus question and random thought....

Do most men dream of Alicia Silverstone from movie "The Crush?" Many men write and mention this movie. I not look same as Alicia Silverstone. She is blond. Men write and mention I remind them of this movie (I have not watched).

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 46

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 11:15:04 AM

BigSi2009

Posts: 80
Joined: 12/14/2008
From: Sussex, UK
Status: offline

When talking with contacts online, I don't set out to be mean, its just not in my nature to be that way. That's not to say I won't be firm or stern with the person if they displease me or fail to do something as I asked. Yet at the same time, I will reward satisfactory completion of tasks with a nice comment, even a thank you. I'm sure others will have their own opinions (and probably have already - I haven't read the previous 3 pages) but I don't think as a dominant you should never be nice to your sub or slave. If you plan to spend a lot of time with them, then I imagine it will be quite difficult to be mean with them all the time, unless you are just a mean bastard in all aspects of life.

I prefer to be me and my profile reflects that. It will attract some people but not other people, and that is fine by me.

_____________________________

If I gave you my signature, you'd be able to steal my identity.

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 47

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 11:56:57 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian
She should be dominant from the beginning, yes,

This struck me as odd, and so did the notion that being dominant was being true to yourself.

Context is important.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 48

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:05:55 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

What I wonder is should my profile reflect who I am or the girl I will be in my fantasy? I am not fantasy kink girl 24/7. Sub men will not see much nice Nikita because they will not be around after play time.

Why not both? In case you don't realize it, you express yourself quite well in English. You're obviously a very intelligent, sharp-witted woman who has the rare ability to examine complex issues and separate them into smaller, more easily-understood pieces. You do this on a regular basis in your forum posts, so I have no doubt you could do it with your profile as well. "Hello, I am Nikitaa. I am a very nice, stable, polite woman in real life, but sexually I express myself as a very different person. In a sexual relationship, I prefer to be like.... whatever. I am looking for men who understand this and can be happy in a sexual relationship with Fierce Nikitaa without expecting to go to the beach on Saturdays with Nice Nikitaa." Or something like that.

You really aren't the first dominant woman here who's wrestled with this very same problem, so other women who are probably not as bright as you have figured out a way to successfully express those contradictions in their personalities. It does work for them, I have no doubt something similar could work for you as well.

_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 49

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:11:26 PM

FRSguy

Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline

Probably the last person in the world to post on this but.... someone that young, cute and adorable taking total control and using a suit... like what isnt totaly HOT about that. I know that as a male Dom most of the woman I come accross are kind of afraid of me being an asshole and are afraid that may objectify or be to sadistic.. they generaly dont worry about me being to nice. Cant you draw a ballance between both. I dont want everyone in the world to think I'm an asshole... just the ones I am going to scene with at the time of the scene and if thats the effect I am going for. I am more the connery aproach type... but hey whatever works... its all about the fun of the control not actual control.

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 50

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:12:17 PM

VeryNastyDom

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/23/2006
Status: offline

You can be polite and still come across as stern. Mean is an entirely different species of Dom.

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 51

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:15:30 PM

Naberius

Posts: 98
Joined: 1/7/2009
From: Dalton, GA
Status: offline

I'm not mean either...can be sadistic at times, but mean don't make the dominant. Those who think they have to be mean are sadly mistaken about their positions requirements and on top of that probably never had a lasting relationship over a years time.

_____________________________

We do not learn without pain -Aristotle

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 52

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:18:54 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

I have looked on many woman dominant profiles on collarme. Many (not all, I not write all so do not wad your panties) of the dominants write mean profiles. They write harshly and many appear rude.
I admit I become annoyed with many messages I receive and I want to write rudely but I not write rude in my profile because I do not want to scare the good submissives away.

Are dominants supposed to write mean? ARE WE SUPPOSED TO YELL IN OUR PROFILE AS MANY DO?

I sometimes treat my sub harshly. Is his kink. I do not treat stranger submissives harshly because they are people, not my submissive, and I not know their kinks.

I am thinking I need to change profile and write more fierce so men think I am serious dominant.
I do not want men to think I am nice and then become surprised when they discover I am not as nice (or as f-ing adorable) as I appear.

I would never recommend anyone change his or her profile to fit some sort of cliche that you are expected by some people to be. I think it's much wiser to allow your actual real-life personality shine though within your profile instead. I just think it's irrelevant what anyone thinks the stereotypical dominant woman should be.

When I was searching, what I wanted to take from a profile here was an idea of what that person was like in her daily life, and what some of her interests in BDSM and in general were, just to see if her and I would be able to find common ground and make some sort of connection. Overly bitchy domme rants and edgey profile text were a yellow flag for me the vast majority of the time. That, to me, signals that the writer is not living in a reality-based head space.

Lastly, I don't think writing up a harsh profile will make you appear to be more serious at all, but it WILL draw more internet wankers types to your profile, and enivitably to your cmail inbox. That I promise you.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 53

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:28:56 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa
Many write "be yourself." This is dilemma for myself. If I were seeking serious kink relationship then I think my profile is okay. Is who I am and my forum post are who I am.

I NOT seek serious kink relationship. In college many women not seek marriage, only have fun dating. Same for myself and kink. I not seek seriousness, I seek to fulfill specific kink fantasies. These fantasies I am mean....

Whether you're seeking a serious partner or not, I still assert that a profile that reflects who you really are is kind of important if you want real-life encounters with people who are in a healthy head space and who show up when they're supposed to. Like I mentioned earlier, I think going into full-on fantasy-character mode in your profile is going to attract the no-show, waster-all-your-time wankers, and will probably just make wading through the murk within you cmail inbox just that much harder and time consuming.

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 54

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:32:48 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

I do not want men to think I am nice and then become surprised when they discover I am not as nice (or as f-ing adorable) as I appear.

Why don't you just write a profile stating: "I'm not as nice as I appear"? Dear me, life ain't that complicated.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 55

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 12:37:11 PM

E2Sweet

Posts: 649
Joined: 7/8/2008
From: TopLeftCornerOf, OH, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

...Why don't you just write a profile stating: "I'm not as nice as I appear"?...

Just as an aside, that would so make me wonder if the writer was actually an insurance claims adjuster...

Sorry, I'm off topic...

_____________________________

E2Sweet™
"If it doesn't make you smile then chances are you're not doing it right."

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 56

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 1:00:00 PM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

What I wonder is should my profile reflect who I am or the girl I will be in my fantasy? I am not fantasy kink girl 24/7. Sub men will not see much nice Nikita because they will not be around after play time.

Why not both? In case you don't realize it, you express yourself quite well in English. You're obviously a very intelligent, sharp-witted woman who has the rare ability to examine complex issues and separate them into smaller, more easily-understood pieces. You do this on a regular basis in your forum posts, so I have no doubt you could do it with your profile as well. "Hello, I am Nikitaa. I am a very nice, stable, polite woman in real life, but sexually I express myself as a very different person. In a sexual relationship, I prefer to be like.... whatever. I am looking for men who understand this and can be happy in a sexual relationship with Fierce Nikitaa without expecting to go to the beach on Saturdays with Nice Nikitaa." Or something like that.

You really aren't the first dominant woman here who's wrestled with this very same problem, so other women who are probably not as bright as you have figured out a way to successfully express those contradictions in their personalities. It does work for them, I have no doubt something similar could work for you as well.

Hummmm. Do not become surprised if I copy your first paragraph into my profile. Is excellent. I maybe change writing into my broken English. I will send you cashiers check for payment. :-)
Thanks for compliment. (I will call you if yard become too full of bamboo and needs clearing.)

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 57

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 1:07:31 PM

Nikitaa

Posts: 416
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: E2Sweet

Lastly, I don't think writing up a harsh profile will make you appear to be more serious at all, but it WILL draw more internet wankers types to your profile, and enivitably to your cmail inbox. That I promise you.

I do not have enough wankers. I seek more. <---------------------sarcasm.

I think you make good ummmm idea? or point? I will not change my profile to reflect rudeness and harshness.
I looked at more dominant women profiles in the hour past. WoW, some really mean. If they come near me in real life I would punch them.

(in reply to E2Sweet)

Post #: 58

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 4:03:08 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nikitaa

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

In my very strong opinion, the only want to be a dominant is to be yourself fully and completely.

The only person you will always need to answer to is yourself so be proud of and pleased with yourself first and foremost.

(I snipped some)

Many write "be yourself." This is dilemma for myself. If I were seeking serious kink relationship then I think my profile is okay. Is who I am and my forum post are who I am.

I NOT seek serious kink relationship. In college many women not seek marriage, only have fun dating. Same for myself and kink. I not seek seriousness, I seek to fulfill specific kink fantasies. These fantasies I am mean. I am not many times nice and often cruel. I tell potential partners about the kink specifics when they message. Some reply and write I am a crazy bitch and some even write mean things. Many men like what I desire and I have a few men I am chatting to for potential play partners.

What I wonder is should my profile reflect who I am or the girl I will be in my fantasy? I am not fantasy kink girl 24/7. Sub men will not see much nice Nikita because they will not be around after play time.

I am thinking I should write profile the way the "person" in my fantasy would write. SHE IS FIERCE MEAN BITCH AND SHE WILL WALK OVER YOU and other kinky stuff. lol.

I know post seem silly or odd. I ask because I see so many harsh and rude dominant profiles I wonder if I should write same.
In the future I will seek a serious kinky partner and boyfriends. Not now.

^^^^^Not really questions. Only random thoughts seeking other random thoughts on subject.

---
bonus question and random thought....

Do most men dream of Alicia Silverstone from movie "The Crush?" Many men write and mention this movie. I not look same as Alicia Silverstone. She is blond. Men write and mention I remind them of this movie (I have not watched).

You should definitely mention that when you play that you want to be "mean" though you will be asked what that entails so think it out. You also should mention that you aren't looking for a relationship, just for play time, not that everyone will care when/if they read, but at least you can then say "I was honest about that from the start".

If your play style is "mean" and you are nice, also think about whether or not you want to have any of that connect. Do you want just a meet up and play dynamic or friendship? If you just want to play, then I'm not sure why revising your profile to reflect that would be a problem. It's being very honest that way and giving anyone who wants to contact you more information before you get to chatting too much then they run and tell you are crazy.

Ultimately it is up to you, Nikitaa, and what you want to do with your time and a partner's (casual or not) time.

Either way you are being yourself because you are being honest about what you want and not just putting on a role for another person's amusement. That might not get you hundreds of offers but it might it you better offers.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 59

RE: Am I not mean enough for dominant? - 2/12/2009 4:16:07 PM

BondageBarbieX

Posts: 495
Joined: 4/1/2008
Status: offline

I have seen more female Dominants than males on here with mean profiles.The ones that call men worms and such..honestly though a lot of guys are turned on by verbal abuse so I see nothing wrong with it.

(in reply to Nikitaa)

Post #: 60

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