|
IrishMist -> RE: Anger, physical, non-physical, consent, abuse (2/14/2009 6:56:16 AM)
|
quote:
I suppose you learn to control your emotions in order to get things done. I can't remember being anything remotely approaching an angry individual, so I must have learned that at an early age. From my perspective, I tend to place store in people who are calm and collected, rather than hot heads. I can't understand why anyone would trust the judgement of someone who can't keep his/her emotions in check.
I am not picking apart anything you wrote here, you just said something that I really wanted to respond to from my own perspective. The part that I bolded is what caught my attention.
I am an extremely violent person. Violent to the point where I used to attack anyone simply because they might have given me what I thought to be a 'wrong look'...naturally, wrong look was defined by me [:)] My temper was so volatile that most who knew me always kept several feet between us as a precaution. Add in the fact that I was street-gang wise and smart in fighting...both with weapons and hand to hand. There were very few who wanted to be on the receiving end of my rage.
My late husband was much the same way. He had a violence in him that you could feel just 'buzzing' beneath the surface. He though...had learned to control it and almost never lost his hold on it.
I attacked him one day...he beat the living shit out of me...that's how we met. How he beat me down was done with such control and precision that he fascinated me. He knew exactly what he was doing, how he was going to do it...and he then proceeded to do it.
It was his ability to actually control himself WHILE in a rage that caught my attention. He was deadly, he was brutal, he had a vicious attitude that he applied to every aspect of his life, including any and all relationships. Yet, even when he was literally beating the living fuck out me...I never actually saw him lose control. I could feel the rage coming off him...I could feel it in the punches and the kicks...but it was a controlled rage that he never let go of.
I wanted to learn that. I wanted to learn how to control the rage and the violence that simmered in me. I needed and outlet for it.
He provided himself as an outlet. Anytime it got too much, all I had to do was take a shot at him.
In return, I gave him the punching bag he needed and wanted. What made it even better was that we found out that I was highly turned on when he did this. He would beat me, I would fight back with everything in me....and in the end, we both got exactly what we needed to survive.
While all this is going on, he taught me how to controll the rage and keep the violence on a leash. If it boils over now, I go to my basement and beat on the bag that is hanging there.
He taught me that trying to contain, restrain, 'erase' or shoving it in a corner is NOT how to handle it. For someone like me, and for someone like him...letting it out is the only answer. Yes, now, it matters how its let out; but as long as it is let out, it can be controlled.
|
|
|
|
