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moving on/letting go - 2/12/2009 11:15:03 PM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

Post #: 1

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 3:19:34 AM

QuixoticErrant

Posts: 260
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

The fact of the matter is, that it sucks. It will continue to suck. Talking about it will help relieve the pain for a while, but then it will suck some more. It will seem that the universe is conspiring to remind you of this person - like the radio is talking to you with each crappy love song or break-up song. At times, it will seem that all you can do is wallow in this until you are exhausted.

I can tell you from painful experience that time will make it pass and that you can and will be able to be hopeful again. But, that takes time and it will seem impossible for a while. There are any number of "power of positive thinking" things you can try. They help a little, until something comes and reminds you again and you start replaying every conversation you ever had in your mind.

This is how the process works. As you do that, let yourself grieve and you begin to process the new reality. It is like a death. In time, you will have gone through every conversation enough and been reminded by little things enough that it no longer has the same impact. In reality, you are just going through your normal life after you had been habituated to having this other person as a presence in it. Your normal life will be full of reminders until you have taught yourself to see that street, or go to that shop without them, and replace the memories with new ones.

As that process continues, you will slowly begin to feel better.

Do not rebound. Rebound sex is fun, but it usually leads to more guilt and frustration than not.

Do not go back to him. If he has truly betrayed you, then give yourself the dignity of not falling into the trap again.

Do not sleep with him again "just for old times sake." It will raise false hopes and after it is done, nothing will have changed except that you will now be trying to convince yourself of "new possibilities" that just are not there.

Do not decide it is all your fault or all his fault. I have never seen a loving relationship end where it was all one side's fault. Do not see it all as your fault because condemning yourself will only make things worse. Do not see it all as his fault because bitterness will only hold you back and make you question how you could be so stupid. It will make it harder to trust others. The good points he had were real, but, also do not try to paint the past as overly rosy. It was not perfect. There were plenty of times when he was a schmuck too. Try to just see it and accept it for what it was, as honestly as you can. As you work through that and process it, you will grow.

Do not feel angry at yourself for feeling angry or hurt or sad. That only creates a spiral. Just let yourself work through it.

Do try to get out. About the worst thing you can do is sit around and mull too much. See a movie. Go to a museum. Get drinks with your girlfriends and talk about why men are awful. Do try to be kind to others. You will be amazed at what the satisfaction of just being a little more decent can do for you when you are feeling down.

I can write about this because of my own heartbreaks. I can say that the fear that one is running out of time, or that love can never happen again is a devastating fear, but it is based on a false perception. Love is always possible and while you live, you have reason to hope. Right now, it is just hard to see that.

Good luck. Truly, good luck. However, I know that you will get better.

< Message edited by QuixoticErrant -- 2/13/2009 4:02:00 AM >

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 2

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 3:24:57 AM

bamagirl4u

Posts: 151
Joined: 12/25/2008
Status: offline

The pain of betrayal runs deep. You just have to give yourself time to heal. It won't happen overnite, but it will happen. I have been badly betrayed and I loved Him more than I loved my own life, but, after taking some time to really think on it, I began to realize how lucky I was I found out before I married him. It would have been much worse then. I like to write blogs so I did..a lot of them..and poems. What I couldn't say to him any longer I could say in my blogs. Good luck to you, and don't give up, it will get better and you will learn to trust again.

_____________________________

~Don't settle for the One you can live with~~Wait for the One you can't live without.~
~To thine own self be true~~no compromise.~

(in reply to QuixoticErrant)

Post #: 3

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 3:31:05 AM

MG4Apuppygirl

Posts: 59
Joined: 1/12/2007
Status: offline

A good book? Try "The Contract" parts 1 & 2 authored by J.G. Leathers, published by House of Gord.

(in reply to bamagirl4u)

Post #: 4

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 4:01:37 AM

Serenelysmiles

Posts: 46
Joined: 11/7/2008
Status: offline

bitterlystung,
Quixotic is quite correct. You're in a grieving phase, and healing always takes time. I've suffered my heartaches, and went through the school of hard knocks, but wounds do heal, and it eventually it is possible to move forward, and move on. Make sure you take the time for you that you need to complete the healing process, and don't jump into anything too quickly while this is fresh. Taking some "me" time is vital to figure out what it is that you want, and need at this point in life. There is no set rule for how long you should take, but it's important that you are able to let go of the past completely,. Otherwise, the ghosts of yesterday have a way of haunting our tomorrows (again the voice of long experience). Remember when you do move forward to find the One that is right for you, have fun and take your time. Do not settle, and don't compromise whom you are, and what you want out of life and from a partner. Healing, and being loving to yourself is important right now because as we heal we grow, we gain wisdom and insight, and that's when we really begin to move forward again. I wish you all the best. "To love and lost and love again, takes more than just the desire, but also the courage to take the first step again." ~Jeanne Goh

_____________________________

Peace, love and light.

Namaste',

serene

"Though art to me a delicious torment." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

"Wit is well-bred insolence."~Aristotle~

(in reply to QuixoticErrant)

Post #: 5

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 4:17:36 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

quote:

He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life.

For that, embrace the joy--some people will never or can never say that--some are still searching and will until they take their last breath.

The soul would have no rainbow had the eye no tear--life if filled with ebbs and flows, that is how we learn our lessons and how we put things in to perspective.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 6

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 4:31:51 AM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

For books to try, hit up your local library. The person at the reference desk gets asked this questions often and gets feedback from the readers for different books and different styles of "getting over it". Librarians are amazing.

What I would recommend reading is humor. Not bitter, men are shite humor, but silly well written humor like P.G.Wodehouse or for fantasy that makes you laugh but also hits you with a stick, Terry Pratchett. Both are prolific authors so you will have weeks of fun giggling. Try some political humor and office humor.

What i am saying is that laughter is the best medicine and it gives you a safe and rewarding way to "escape" from the pain for a little while.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 7

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 4:32:18 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

How long has it been since the breakup? If it's three days, it's too soon. If it's six months, then yes, time to prod yourself to move on.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 8

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 4:59:44 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

(((hugs)))
I think you may find this book helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1234529811&sr=8-1

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 9

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 9:35:44 AM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

Thank you, everyone. Alas it has been too long (2 years) that I have been holding onto this bitterness and this hurt. Coming here and reading for several months got me thinking about the lifestyle again. What can I say? It is a part of me. I have dated a few times but never have given anyone else a chance as all I see is someone who will hurt me that badly again. Like I said, I have loved before, but this man, this man...

I am here to reach out. I am not ready to move on yet. I am ready to think about it and am here for support, and hell yes, some comfort with his birthday just passing and tomorrow Valentine's Day. So far my experience here has been good. Some of you have been harsh with me and some kind and heartfelt and all of that has helped.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 9:40:26 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

If you don't have any interests or hobbies, start developing them. Take classes, a cooking class or exercise class, a reading group, something that will get you out and meeting people, and taking the focus away from your broken heart. Become an interesting person, men notice and they find it attractive. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't wallow in it.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 11

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 9:47:59 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Before going any further, know that you are -already- moving on. It isn't something you start doing all of a sudden. It is every moment, every choice made, from the time that change began to happen. You're already -doing- it. It seems to me that what you're -really- asking is "When will the pain stop, and how can I survive until then?" The answer is, you take every single moment for itself. Accept that you're going to have bad moments, but that they -will- go away... and they will become fewer and fewer as time goes by, until you spend entire -days- without thinking about your loss.

Find something to keep yourself occupied. Even if you volunteer, spend some time making other people or creatures who are struggling to have an easier life, and you'll find that your own problems start to take up less and less space in the course of your day. Take an hour or three away from the TV a week, and give it to someone who is having a hard time. Maybe consider answering phones at a crisis center, or working at the Women's Shelter... or bringing things to life in a community garden project... but whatever you do, make it about healing something outside of yourself, and as you do, you'll not ONLY meet some really awesome people, and have the opportunity to make new relationships, but you'll also find that helping other folks with -their- problems leaves you a lot less time to sit around dwelling on the slow but steady progress of your own healing.

When you're healed there will still be plenty of time to think about getting involved in another relationship. If you get involved in another relationship while you're still struggling with your own healing, the new relationship will put a strain on that healing process -- any time we enter a new relationship, it is a stressor, and it is best not to add too many of those on a newly healing heart. Learn to open your heart in -other- ways (like the volunteering idea) first... then, as the pain diminishes, you can think about opening your heart romantically. If there is still unhealed damage and a new relationship is started, there is also the tendency for that new relationship to specifically inflame the area where one was 'stuck' in the healing process, as well as things that were never touched on because the healing wasn't complete... so bad habits of the old relationship that made it unhealthy may be repeated in the new relationship, and so on, and so on, compounding on one another because, not being whole, we dont' necessarily know how to find people who complement our healthy, whole way of 'being'.

Last, don't think that all your memories of the person you held dear have to go away. There -will- come a time when you can look back, and see some of the wonderful things that you shared, and it won't hurt... so don't wish for oblivion... just give yourself time and space to return to yourself (then you can decide whether or not you're ready to yield up parts of yourself to a communion again).

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 2/13/2009 9:52:06 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 12

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 9:52:18 AM

MsDDom

Posts: 368
Joined: 1/1/2009
From: GA
Status: offline

quote:

Alas it has been too long (2 years) that I have been holding onto this bitterness and this hurt.

my mother told me that it took her about the same about of time to get over my father as the years she spent with him...the old wives' tale is that it takes 1/2 (sometimes more) the time u spent in a "relationship" to move on past it. i believe it varies from person to person...some people can move on quicker than others...but a person should NOT be forced to "get over it" if their heart, mind, and soul need time to heal.

i say, take the time u need and dont worry if yrs go by...

_____________________________

...:: MsDDom ::...

... live Life honestly ...

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 13

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/13/2009 10:10:44 PM

DominantDamsel

Posts: 42
Joined: 5/14/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

When it's time to love again, you will. Until that day, embrace friends and family and give yourself a break. Healing has to take place and sometimes healing can take quite some time. You have to develop a new you, without him. You have to be at peace with this new you and who she is before you can allow someone else to see her in all her glory. Learn yourself right now ... slowly. You have plenty of time for more.

Be gentle with yourself. All things come about in their own good time.

Happy Valentines Day.. to you.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 14

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 12:09:45 AM

bitterlystung

Posts: 21
Joined: 2/8/2009
Status: offline

All good suggestions and I thank you all. Have to admit I am extremely depressed and probably going to get shit faced after work and stay that way till 2/14 is over.

(in reply to DominantDamsel)

Post #: 15

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 12:31:23 AM

QuixoticErrant

Posts: 260
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

All good suggestions and I thank you all. Have to admit I am extremely depressed and probably going to get shit faced after work and stay that way till 2/14 is over.

Respectfully, shitfaced when depressed sounds good, but usually isn't. Please do not drink alone if you must drink.

(in reply to bitterlystung)

Post #: 16

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 1:18:58 AM

TranceTara

Posts: 152
Joined: 12/22/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuixoticErrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

All good suggestions and I thank you all. Have to admit I am extremely depressed and probably going to get shit faced after work and stay that way till 2/14 is over.

Respectfully, shitfaced when depressed sounds good, but usually isn't. Please do not drink alone if you must drink.

I agree with QuixoticErrant. If you are extremely depressed, please get a friend to hang out with. I always get concerned when I hear or read such things.

You've gotten some great suggestions and what I would like to add is that sometimes our emotional body can get stuck. I have found the Bach Flower Rescue Remedy to be extremely helpful in easing any emotional or physical trauma. Pretty much any health food store, and now some main stream pharmacies, carry it. It's a flower essence and can be taken even if one is on prescription medications. It helps center one. I took it every 15 minutes when my mom died. It doesn't give you a drugged feeling, it just helps ease the energy so one can think clearer and be a little more focused.

There are also some homeopathic remedies that can help get you through this time, and again, they are very gentle. Some apothecary pharmacies have homeopaths available for a free consult. Ignatia is a good one for grief, but use a low potency for a high potency can cause a healing crisis. (I know this from experience!) A homeopath I work with had me on a not too high potency and I cried for a couple of days, then started feeling stronger and began speaking what I felt in my heart . I was just being more true to myself.

Also, grief and depression are quite taxing on one's nervous system. Please try to eat proper meals, get plenty of rest and you may even find that a multi vitamin might assist you during this time.

I found reading some of Anne Lamott's books quite helpful during one of my down times. Plan B Further Thoughts on Faith was both heartwarming and humourous. Also, I pop in some Marx Brothers or the movie Airplane or Absolutely Fabulous so I can get lost in the world of insane laughter. It's amazing how insane humour can shock me into laughter from deep depression.

I also found that when I would get in those places, thinking I'd never find love again, which I was feeling a few days ago, well, I act as if. So, I bought myself some flowers and I am taking myself out to a Tibetan restaurant for lunch tomorrow. Then I'll burn a new candle I bought and create the atmosphere I love, and that will put out the energy of who I wish to attract in future.

I also found writing in my journal to be extremely helpful. I even wrote letters to those I needed to finish business with. Then I found a friend to read it to so I could cry and have a witness. It was so healing.

My brother died of a heart attack suddenly, almost 4 years ago. We had not spoken for 2 years. There was a lot of unsaid things. It took me 3 years to write the letter and when I did it felt so good to get all those things out. I cried and then I felt the love in my heart as it broke open. It hurt like hell, but I also felt richer and more at peace. It is that funny paradox of extreme heartbreak. When raw, I want to hide, but then there is this new feeling of love and a deeper connection to the world. I'd hear birds sing and thank them for their gift. A hummingbird would pass by and I'd smile.

Be gentle with yourself and stay in contact with friends. I have a couple that understand me and I can just be myself with them. They have never judged my depressions.

Also, finding a support group may be of help. Or take a writing class and express the feelings in a short story or a poem, or painting, drawing... I used my guitar as a means of expression.

It will take time, it will hurt, but you will feel better. You have a lot of people rooting for you.

{{{{hugs}}}}

_____________________________

“Listen, I am trying to cope with the presence of God and the Universal Human Experience, and I haven’t even had a cup of tea yet!” -French and Saunders

(in reply to QuixoticErrant)

Post #: 17

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 5:07:20 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Respectfully, shitfaced when depressed sounds good, but usually isn't. Please do not drink alone if you must drink.

Sure. Enter the phase the active wallowing. This is also the phase where you give up control to another person and allow him to control your emotions. I've never understood the payoff in this.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to QuixoticErrant)

Post #: 18

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 5:35:00 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

quote:

Respectfully, shitfaced when depressed sounds good, but usually isn't. Please do not drink alone if you must drink.

Sure. Enter the phase the active wallowing. This is also the phase where you give up control to another person and allow him to control your emotions. I've never understood the payoff in this.

Don't forget how "fun" that night will be for your poor friend that has to sit and listen to your drunken boo hooing.

_____________________________

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 19

RE: moving on/letting go - 2/14/2009 5:59:48 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: QuixoticErrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: bitterlystung

I have posted two places here and have had wonderful responses and terrific emails of support. Most everyone is in agreement I need to move on and let go. Any suggestions on good books that I could read on how to do that? I try, I really do, but the pain just will not go away. I keep thinking of those damn commercials with Jane Seymour: Keep your heart open and love will find it's way in, or something to that effect. How can I open what has been hurt so badly? I don't know where to post this question and hope it is okay to post it in this forum. He was not the only love in my life but he was the love of my life. I am only 37 and that is too young to be a spinster. Thank you for your ideas and support.

The fact of the matter is, that it sucks. It will continue to suck. Talking about it will help relieve the pain for a while, but then it will suck some more. It will seem that the universe is conspiring to remind you of this person - like the radio is talking to you with each crappy love song or break-up song. At times, it will seem that all you can do is wallow in this until you are exhausted.....

Wow - VERY well put, QE, and every bit of it is true.

Bitterly ~ one way to distract yourself (and perhaps restore a little perspective) is by giving a bit of time to those who may be in greater pain than you are.

Donate some of your time at the local humane society as a cuddler/walker. The animals there have no one and their future is uncertain. They welcome cuddles and hugs and don't mind if you cry into their fur.

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to QuixoticErrant)

Post #: 20

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