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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 2:01:38 PM

OTKkindaGirl

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From: NW Arkansas
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i use the term only around my like minded friends, never to the vanilla's but *sheesh* just tell the offended that you were wrong about them that they are banana's with nuts sprinkled on top, tell them that they can change their flavor to anything that they would like to be... that's what is good about vanilla.. it can always be different! just pour the syrup on thick and they'll forgive you... they're vanilla after all... voila... suddenly they are a beautiful banana split. *gigglez* (just the light side response)

sorry your friends felt hurt... just exercise a little caution...

it kinda goes like the derogatory statements races use amongst themselves own but let somebody outside their race call them something else and the gloves come off.

i was called a cracker once, i smiled at the insult and said "yep, a buttery ritz" that got a laugh and broke the tension... she actually ended up becoming a good friend. my point is... sometimes things that are negative can be turned into a positive, it all depends on how the situaion is handled. good luck.

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 2:09:24 PM

SteelofUtah

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I feel that people are far too Hyper Sensitive to words anymore. There was a time we were taught that "sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me" Today we learn from the News and TV that "Sticks and Stones may break our bones but Words will cause a class action law suit against you and everyone you know for you thinking saying that word was okay"

It Makes me SICK. Vanilla is simply a way for people who are kinky to designate the difference between people who Do What It Is That We Do and those who do not.

It isn't an Insult, It isn't a Slur, it's a Slang Descriptor that has become nearly universal with this lifestyle. Should they ask I explain that Vanilla is what we call someone who is not into BDSM I never say someone who is Not Kinky because what is tame to me may be kinky to someone else and I am not going to judge what they consider to be kinky or not.

Vanilla is JUST A TERM it is NOT an attack.

Steel

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 2:19:29 PM

Lynnxz

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From: Atlanta
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It depends on usage. If a person is being a snot, and insinuating that they are just so much more amazing, because they happen to have a flogger, then it is meant to be offensive, and is probably taken that way.

It's not a vanilla vs bdsm thing, it's 'Hey, I've got a fricking attitude problem!" thing.

< Message edited by Lynnxz -- 2/13/2009 2:20:28 PM >

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 4:36:19 PM

girlygurl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I feel that people are far too Hyper Sensitive to words anymore. There was a time we were taught that "sticks and stones may break our bones but words will never hurt me" Today we learn from the News and TV that "Sticks and Stones may break our bones but Words will cause a class action law suit against you and everyone you know for you thinking saying that word was okay"

It Makes me SICK. Vanilla is simply a way for people who are kinky to designate the difference between people who Do What It Is That We Do and those who do not.

It isn't an Insult, It isn't a Slur, it's a Slang Descriptor that has become nearly universal with this lifestyle. Should they ask I explain that Vanilla is what we call someone who is not into BDSM I never say someone who is Not Kinky because what is tame to me may be kinky to someone else and I am not going to judge what they consider to be kinky or not.

Vanilla is JUST A TERM it is NOT an attack.

Steel

Well said Steel.

I was thinking along the same lines. It's a frickin flavor for peets sake! Next thing you know strawberry will be offensive.

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 4:43:01 PM

SmokingGoddess

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Joined: 12/16/2008
From: Cornfed Iowa
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Hell, I even call my "swinger" friends vanilla.They can't wrap their mind around that one. Lol.

I'm not offended when people think my sexuality is "bent" or "kinky". It's only offensive if you take it that way.
If they don't like being considered vanilla, then perhaps they need to review their sexual identity and practices.

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Post #: 25

RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 6:36:11 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

I not know word vanilla was used to describe not kinky people

Ah yes - gosh, I've been living anglo-saxon for so long I forget these nuances. It is academically interesting, in that "vanilla" in English has a first colloquial connotation as a flavour, while in other languages it is taken as a reference to the plant, unless it is in some kind of combination. We don't combine the words, they do - vanille-geschmack in German, vanilla flavour in English - when other languages do. We use it in other ways too, non-relationship, you can say "That's a rather vanilla approach", which I don't think will work in most languages.

Am I boring yet? Nikitaa, thanks for bringing that up

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Post #: 26

RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/13/2009 10:43:29 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
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~fr~

Vanilla used to apply. It no longer does, imo. At one point (and I'm dating myself here) when I first got involved in wiitwd, vanilla was an apt description of those who did not have a clue, but now those same "vanilla's" are sometimes more kinky and more into experimenting with things BDSM etc., than many of us are.. lol. Time changes everything, I guess.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 27

RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 12:05:29 AM

GoddessTeaze

Posts: 1125
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From: The Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
So the concept is really easy to grasp - our vanilla friends might take umbrage if we call them, or refer to them as Vanilla...most don't think of themselves as "vanilla" and the way in which it is used can imply superiority and sound condescending...sort of a DUH issue...

And yet, I got caught in it. Six of my best friends in the world and I used the term vanilla in reference to them. It was casual, never even crossed my mind what I said might hurt anyone. It has made its way around the circle, and it caused hurt feelings in people I would never want to hurt.

So just a word of caution. It is easy to get used to thinking of "us and them" and casually and carelessly throw out that term - Vanilla...and cause 31 flavors of hurt...

I really wonder what was there to hurt about...?
I call them hazelnuts, because they are!!!
yummy too!

I wish you a lovely Valentinesday.

GoddezzT`

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 1:50:13 AM

FullfigRIMAAM1

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I can understand how hurt feelings could happen. My few very close friends, and family know I'm a little different, but I've never removed myself from being vanilla if you will. Most of them would think I'm showing off for attention (and being obnoxious), if I were to randomly throw in my "I'm different" and wouldn't do it that way. As they are good friends of yours, simply, and humbly apologize, and pay for a couple of rounds next time you are all out.

Aside from not being uberkinky anyway, I need the vanilla component in my life, and nothing happens in an absence of the ability to function among the masses (vanilla folk). M

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 2:02:58 AM

bamagirl4u

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Joined: 12/25/2008
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I tend to only use the term when speaking to others in the lifestyle. But I don't think it would be offensive if I used it elsewhere, at least I wouldn't mean it that way . I think there are plenty of "kinky" vanilla relationships..grins..I have had a few myself. It is not boring, just different from a Dom/sub atmosphere. I sure never considered it might be offensive...gee..the things you learn...

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 3:57:51 AM

subtlebutterfly

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I believe the use of those phrases are solely to elevate oneself.
The only time I use the phrase vanilla is on this forum (however I rarely use it) just 'cause the discussions here are mostly about kinky people so it's easier to define it this way.
I'd never even think of using the phrase vanilla about my friends or other people when I'm talking to them outside this forum. Speaking of being hooked on labels gawd, would you like all the "vanilla" people constantly referring to you as the depraved one?

(in reply to agirl)

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 12:38:44 PM

lovingpet

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I don't see it particularly mattering either way. I think it has more to do with a changing life and set of priorities and this small "infraction" being used to fuel resentment. How has your relationships with these people changed prior to this and since becoming involved with your Mistress? My guess is that, since they know you well, they feel undercurrents of the metamorphesis you have been experiencing. They likely wonder about perhaps the source of it, what it means in terms of their relationships with you, and what you will be like in the future. Open communication on these things would be helpful, but realistically you likely do not want and it would not be such a great thing to allow so much access to something so personal. The other option is to give them enough to reassure them about your relationships.

Often a small thing is a symptom of a much larger problem. This silly word really isn't worth this much drama. I don't care what it means or how it was perceived. These are supposed to be friends and yet they can't accept that your motive in using the term was innocent? It is an overreaction because there are more important issues. It is difficult to merge things sometimes. I wish you the best in working this out!

lovingpet

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)

Post #: 32

RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 1:03:12 PM

stella41b

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I see everyone as an individual, therefore have no need to pigeonhole or classify people. Therefore it's not really an issue.

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/14/2009 10:14:38 PM

Badguylol

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lol I use vanilla in a derogatory way all the time with my friends. It's a potent word that can burn more than any combination of popular choice words since it's not expected. But it's usually 4 or 5 of them vs. just me aka the freak.. so I have to use all the ammo at my disposal. I even have a part of my stand-up act where I talk about internet porn/sex and how crazy it is, and I use vanilla sex as a punchline.. "meanwhile... during vanilla sex.. *eyeroll*" It gets some good laughs and I think it's because everyone can relate to vanilla sex.

Outside my circle of friends though, I would never use it in that way unless it becomes clear I'm dealing with an asshole whos trying to use my freak nature to 'burn' me. I remember this one heckler.. lol.. I'm not sure what I was talking about at the time, but it was something weird sex related and he shouted "Thats what you like!!" I was finally fed up with him so I let him have it. Word for word I have no idea what I said because I was in that 'mode' but I do remember telling him his libido was an insult to vanilla and I ended up going through Baskin Robins flavors to compare his sex drive to. I ended up on Rainbow Sherbet and convinced the whole club he was a secret homosexual. He had a little redneck in him so the gay jokes really struck a chord. He lost at and attempted to charge the stage before my good friend tackled him on the first row and security escorted him out while the whole club laughed at him. I'm pretty sure he's out there somewhere in Denver plotting to kill me lol. Good times.

(in reply to stella41b)

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 3:20:45 AM

SailingBum

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Typically I see the term vanilli used by ppl that think "their kink" is some how better than the "others kink" and that just aint so. Most times it's used by insecure ppl that need to put others down so they can feel better. Just cuz I like to stand on my head beating my chest while screaming "jane your my slut" Does not mean my sex is any better or worse than the guys next door who beats his dick like it owes him money.

BadOne

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 3:34:35 AM

chainedgirl

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Nikitaa, that is so sweet.

I use vanilla all the time, so do the people I hang round in the scene. To my mind, anyone can be kinky, but not everyone is D/s, that's the difference. You can be a perfectly "normal" couple just into a bit of blindfolds and light spanking in the bedroom, that doesn't mean you will understand the nuances of a Dominant-submissive relationship. Liking to spank or be spanked is kinky sure even hedonistic. But there are many out there who do that, who still do not understand for one minute how you can 'allow' yourself to be told what to go, to be naked in front of stangers, to have to take a beating because its your partner's whim or to have to serve another dominant simply because you were ordered to. It is a different mentality and that is what differentiates a vanilla from a BDSM kinkster. I'm sorry, but there is a difference and I will continue to use the term.

My whole family know what I'm into and the sort of relationship I have with Master (they love him too) and they happily refer to themselves as vanilla.

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 8:51:45 AM

clearlyme12

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Before i came into the "scene" if i heard the word "vanilla" i would not have known what it meant. And if someone had called me vanilla, i would have wondered what they meant....if i didnt know what it meant, im sure i would have got upset about it. I suppose because it tends to mean, bland and boring....neutral as it were. I dont think theres anything to get upset by, i am people get called worse don't they.....pervert and such like, and do we moan.....no we're proud of that fact :-D

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 9:20:24 AM

daddysliloneds

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so if someone says they hate black licorice, does that mean all their friends that like it will get hurt by their statement because they're feeling like they're inferior?

some people just like drama, i swear!

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Post #: 38

RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 9:21:31 AM

Lynnxz

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From: Atlanta
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

so if someone says they hate black licorice, does that mean all their friends that like it will get hurt by their statement because they're feeling like they're inferior?

some people just like drama, i swear!

No, but if you insinuated that they were inferior for liking black licorice, they might get fed up with your attitude.

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RE: "Vanilla" can hurt Vanilla Friends... - 2/15/2009 9:31:13 AM

marie2

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From: Jersey
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FR

The only time I use the word is to distinguish between those who participate in some type of bdsm relationship and those who do not. In my mind, that's the only difference anyway, between "us" (those who are into bdsm) and "them" (those who are not).

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 40

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