RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (Full Version)

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Mercnbeth -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 10:53:41 AM)

quote:

I want the synapses blazing hot as I know our larger, physical synaptic bridge will be.


Steel,
"Blazing Synapse"! What a GREAT way to describe the result of the conjunction of the physical aspect of BDSM with the mental and emotional sensations it generates on either end of the flogger. It may be impossible to sustain a blaze 24/7 but sustaining the embers is critical and doesn't take a great effort. As long as you have those embers, a blaze is possible any time, any place. All it takes is a touch, or even a look. The feeling is more sensual than sex. It's that concept that I was attempting to describe in my original post.

For a large portion of my life, the BDSM aspect of the sex I was having was in my mind alone. I can't stress enough how difficult it is to find a partner whose synapses are wired in such a manner that D/s or BDSM become fused as to not be differentiated. So for a long time, to satiate the physical need to "have sex" I had to compromise the desire to always want to include some aspect of BDSM.

Bringing up the aspect of "guilt" raises a different set of issues. One of the most important and fundamental keys to having a long term M/s relationship is to purge any and all guilt you have about being in one. Guilt leads to remorse and second guessing. Guilt can occur on either side. Consider all the topics regarding a Dom or Master feeling guilty about inflicting pain. No one should feel guilty about representing themselves as they truly are. No one should feel guilty about feeling good.

If there is guilt about surrendering to the sexuality of scene it needs to be talked about. I always feel an essential part of being with someone is discussing goals. Sure, long term and relationship goals are important and ideally should mesh if a long term relationship is desired, but short term or scene goals should also be discussed. In some ways, discussing scene goals are MORE critical. If approached or if I approached a submissive and expressed a desire to have a scene with her, we better not let the discussion end without discussing what our goals are. If she agreed because she liked the way I handled a flogger and thought it would be great to use that sensation I could generate to purge the frustrations of her day, and I thought it would be a great idea because I ultimately wanted to be intimate with her; one of us is going to come out of the experience pissed off.

I recognize that people sometimes have scenes to purge guilt. Sex isn't involved because the scene is serving a different purpose. I've seen repressed emotions bubble to the surface during intense sessions. There are many people who are forcing their "square peg" self into a "round hole" life. An intense BDSM session provides a cathartic "sanding" to make the fit better. Some people use BDSM for this process, others run, play an instrument, work out, box, whatever. I appreciate the need for a regular "sanding".

Obviously my answer and position is personal. There is no less legitimacy in seeking the physical BDSM sensation without sex entering into the picture. As long as you know yourself well enough to know how to get your synapses blazing, you shouldn't feel guilty when you do so.



ExistentialSteel -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 11:41:34 AM)

Mercnbeth, I'm going to throw the compliments right back at ya. You presented both sides well in that post and make me think it is all good, no matter what you do.



FionaFineass -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 12:25:54 PM)

quote:

.put the mental, emotional, and physical aspects of it all together...and well...it's just gonna be intense, isn't it?

Yes!



Nuke718 -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 1:23:20 PM)

The BDSM lifestyle means different things to many different people. Often we are lucky and find people who agree with our take on it. But more often people are going to disagree with us.

Does BDSM = Sex? Sometimes, for some people. But to a lot of the people on the message boards it doesn't. Or at least the sex is a small part of it.

I am a strong believer of not nocking anybody elses views, but I am also more than willing to give mine. For ME, it is almost always sexual. Not sex, but sexual. The part of my brain that gets excited by this stuff is closely tied to the part that gets excited by nilla sex.

Almost all the rest of the activity in my mind is in the relationship center. The part of me that loves my friends and family also deals with my BDSM relationships of any type.

I will admit that BD and SM are the biggest parts of hte lifestyle for me. I am not a Ds person, at least not in the LTR way. But I do know folks IRL that are Ds'ers and it works great for them.

I guess it goes back to that old adage (approriately enough for THIS forum) that there are Different Strokes for... well you know the rest.

Nuke }:-



MichMasochist -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 2:15:28 PM)

Implicitly sexual yes. The dominating lady an icon of eroticism.

In a live demonstration years ago. Was the very first time that I saw a woman using a whip on another person. Her energy, her enjoyment, or what ever it was, suddenly I found myself sexually excited in such a manner that the woman who ten minutes earlier, I thought to be unattractive; suddenly became the most intensely desirable, incredibly sexual being I had ever seen. Like a master piece in motion as each lash was cast by her. Longing to be at the receiving end of each of her lashes. For me there simply isn't no two ways around it. They implicitly integral to each other, one without the other is simply unfullfilling, and unrewarding. Strange, it seems like vanilla, and rocky road are opposing extremes.

But inregards to an earlier poster I have to agree that even vanilla intamacy without the intamacy of a camitment is unfulfilling and unrewarding as well.


(p.s. please forgive the mispellings)



ZenrageTheKeeper -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 2:18:42 PM)

Consensual Sex = Communication.

If people feel they are being repressed in this area, then they have every right to go out and find other places in which to express their feelings. Every interaction we share with another person is a form of communication. Whether it is done verbally, non-verbally, visually, musically, physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, politically, or even economically. Sex is a crossroads of emotional and physical communication. However, this form of communication can have dire life-altering consequences (ie pregnancy, stds). Its a form of communication that requires a great deal of personal responsibility but it also allows us to express our deepest desires and thoughts to one another in ways we might not be able to under "normal" social circumstances.

With divorce rates climbing and people complaining about not being able to communicate with each other, I applaud those people who enter into this lifestyle with the purpose of obtaining a better understanding of sexual expression just as I look down upon those who unneedingly withhold it.




OscarHargraves -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 5:58:23 PM)

That's simple. They do it because they WANT to do it. And in this country at least they CAN do it.



subfever -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 8:50:28 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Shayna

I'm curious about others' perceptions, so please educate me: for those that see their "kink" as servitude, are you also saying that there is NO erotic component to that service/position? Then why is it a kink? Why seek servitude on a bdsm site instead of having it be a vocation where it's what you do for a living? Or as an avocation, where you volunteer to clean houses (or whatever the service is) for elderly or disabled?



Very good questions.

I suspect that if there's absolutely no underlying sexual motivating dynamic via one's pursuit of D/s, then it's likely that the underlying motivating dynamic is somehow related to unresolved guilt, pain, or anger... and their related manifestations of low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, frustration, etc.





Wolfie648 -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 10:37:39 PM)

quote:

Can anyone give me another reason people decide to go from the vanilla world to the 'lifestyle' world besides broadening/exploring their sexual deviancies? Is there any core reason beside heightening their sexual opportunities and expanding their efforts to satisfy their libido?


I have a fetish counting jelly beans and that's what my slave does for me now.

D (owner of j)



imtempting -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/18/2006 10:50:25 PM)

There are people that are kinky and then there are people into the whole pyscological aspect..



MistressAlexaS -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 10:02:26 AM)

For me and mine we use BDSM as a lead up to some pretty intense sex. I know alot of people don't agree with that but ...We don't care lol We are happy doing what we are doing. He was living lifestyle before he met me and from the sound of things it was all done for sexual purposes even though she was his 24/7 slave. Now that he has discovered that he is a switch he has found he enjoys subbing more then being a Top. He is a painslut plain and simple and Im a sadist so we are a good fit.
Do what makes ya feel good as long as your not hurting anyone, including yourself.

~Alexa



EvilGeoff -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 10:41:15 AM)

*grins impishly*

Yes. BDSM is about sex and sexuality.

Yes. BDSM is about more than sex and sexuality.

Yes. Service can be absolutely asexual, no sex, no "play".

Yes. There are lots of reasons to be involved with this lifestyle that have nothing to do with sex or sexuality.

Yes. There are lots of reasons to be involved in this lifestyle that have everything to do with sex and/or sexuality.

Sometimes it has to do with our orientation, sometimes it doesn't... one of the hottest sessions I've seen in a good long while was a gay PYL playing with a lesbian pyl... I can pretty much guarantee that while they might not have been planning on having sex with each other, their motors were definitely revved up. The most intense scene I've ever witnessed was a straight male top taking a single-tail to a gay male bottom, and a right close second was a gay Master and slave scene where the raw, primal energy between the two of them filled the room and had _everyone_ riveted to them. These scenes were amazing.

Our minds, our hearts, our gonads are all intricately interwoven. Tossing BDSM into the mix can sometimes provide greater clarity to the complicated web of our sexuality. Sometimes it can just make things even more difficult to sort out.

In my personal life, with my girl janey, our relationship partakes of many aspects of the BDSM spectrum. Sexually/romantically, we are monogamous. But as a sadist, I will Top in scenes with other subs or bottoms, male and/or female, and I have no intention of having sex with any of them. But I'll be hanged if wailing away on them, and their moans and whimpers, doesn't give me a woody. Even the guys. The power and energy exchange, their surrender to the pain I am inflicting, is arousing to me.

But if I have someone in a service relationship to me, outside of an SM scene, having them wash the dishes, fix my meals, work in the yard, running errands.... That does not get Mr Happy all perky and ready for action. There is a very clear seperation from the erotic/sexual there for me. But for others, that seperation may not be there, and having someone clean their shower and toilet might just be the most erotic activity in the world.

Find what works for you. Sometimes that takes a lot of introspection and soul-searching, be honest with yourself. And don't worry if your turn ons are different from others. They are _your_ turn ons. Run with it!

YIK,
- Geoff



Domin81 -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 2:47:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Mauigurrlxxx

Can anyone give me another reason people decide to go from the vanilla world to the 'lifestyle' world besides broadening/exploring their sexual deviancies? Is there any core reason beside heightening their sexual opportunities and expanding their efforts to satisfy their libido?


The lifestyle is about being who I really am...not the socialized vanilla version. BTW there is also some really hot sex that happens.



cloudboy -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 2:59:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mauigurrlxxx

Can anyone give me another reason people decide to go from the vanilla world to the 'lifestyle' world besides broadening/exploring their sexual deviancies? Is there any core reason beside heightening their sexual opportunities and expanding their efforts to satisfy their libido?


I never thought or think of myself as living a living a "lifestyle," and its a vernacular that I still cannot use comfortably. I more consider myself as a freak who doesn't fit into the mainstream and who's always lived a double life. My wife knows. My parents found magazines. And people on the internet "know me." That was it until recently. Now my Mistress has been cultivating my freak and a kind or world has opened. But two years ago, I honestly would not have believed a woman like her existed. (except in fictional stories.)

So, I never decided to leave Vanilla, I've always been this way. Because I never saw or envisioned "a lifestyle," I never knew what to do with myself or how to cultivate the freak. Even now its still a problem. What keeps me sane is a host of varied interests and a sense of humour. It all somewhat reminds of Betrand Russell who said, "Its too bad youth is wasted on the young."

On another thread, one guy questioned if he was demented because he gets off on violence perpetrated against women. Scarey shit. I'm not him by a longshot, but the isolation of my feelings and desires really isn't too far from him. He's really forlorn.

To turn things around a bit, I've never been a guys' guy --- who looks a women and wants to fuck them, and who fantasizes about it. I've always wanted it the other way around. I did vanilla sex and have engaged in it, but its never been much of a strong motivator for me. So, I'm a freak.



ProtagonistLily -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 3:27:53 PM)

quote:

Sex is the last reasonw hy I chose bdsm.


Really. The last? You mean to tell me you were just sitting there one day thinking "Hmm, wouldn't it be nice to be naked, bound to the cross, having various and sundry pain and or pleasure inflicted or administered and while I'm monumentally horny, I wouldn't dream of coitus for a second?"

Please.

Kassie



ProtagonistLily -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 3:30:01 PM)

quote:

There are people that are kinky and then there are people into the whole pyscological aspect..


And then there are those of us who while we enjoy the psychology, we also enjoy the rocking sex lives we've found here too.

Go figure...

Kassie



LadiesBladewing -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 4:22:03 PM)

I'm not certain whether this applies to us or not... I've often questioned whether the D/s that we practice fits into the BDSM realm. In our household, sex is a miniscule part of the lifestyle process. For some of our servants, it is so miniscule that it is virtually nonexistant.

For us, entering the lifestyle as a servant is an opportunity to serve a purpose, and learn how to yield to the power of the Universe, as exemplified through the Owners. It becomes almost a spiritual journey (and, in fact, does become a spiritual journey for some of our servants), and an opportunity to learn what it feels like to yield completely to the ideals and processes of service within our House. For the Guides, it is an opportunity to do what we do best, and manage, tend, and control the lives of those who are taking that step to complete the yielding of their lives and purpose to the achieving of our goals.

Lady Zephyr



truesub4u -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 4:33:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolfie648



I have a fetish counting jelly beans and that's what my slave does for me now.

D (owner of j)


LOL.... best answer yet. When it's all said and done. People do what people want to do.



Nendarye -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 5:23:33 PM)

well hot shit

you mean there is supposed to be sex in this lifestyle?

where did I go wrong?

/walks off in confusion



michaelGA -> RE: 'lifestyle' = SEX (1/19/2006 5:26:43 PM)

quote:

Damn, I need to check the manual again....


there's a manual? i didn't get one.



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