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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/17/2009 5:45:15 PM   
DesFIP


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
submissives often test dominants (to start with) by saying things like 'oh please don't make me do this' and the last thing in the world they want to hear is the words 'ok then you don't have to'.


And sometimes submissives don't lie but tell the honest truth that they literally can't do something.

I have very vivid recollections of a horse show during which three days I had literally no privacy. I shared a motel room with my ums for the few hours at night we managed to get back there, and spent from 6AM until 10PM in the horse barn. He wanted me to find some privacy and simply had to wait until after I had returned home, and had a good night's sleep before I could even talk coherently let alone accomplish anything.

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/17/2009 6:30:48 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

I have a potential slave i'm working with who is very busy.

i often cut her slack, but lately i'm noticing that taking her busy life into concideration has become more of a means for her not to do the tasks i've set for her. (the tasks are always things she can do at night, or durring breaks at work via pix/txt messages.)

as a slave: how should a master deal with you taking advantage of his kindness?

as a master: how much slack is too much for a slave?


If she is a potential and she's too busy to do the things you feel you need to be fulfilled as a Master, then it's likely she's not the right one for you...nor you her.

Master Fire


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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/17/2009 6:35:16 PM   
girlygurl


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Status: offline 		I guess you'll have to determine if she's making up excuses cause she's not that into you, or if life is happening and you can't always be the first thing on her "to do" list.

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/17/2009 8:54:14 PM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

submissives often test dominants (to start with) by saying things like 'oh please don't make me do this' and the last thing in the world they want to hear is the words 'ok then you don't have to'.



Personally, this isn't something I've encountered (though I've heard of it on the forums). I'd regard that as a silly game that undermines the reality of the situation when you really can't or really don't want to do the activity in question and your reasons why.

But I'm not a fan of artifical testing and suggest that anyone who thinks it may be going on cut through the bullshit and just ask "Is this a game or is this serious?".

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/17/2009 8:55:05 PM >

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 12:04:26 AM   
allthatjaz


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

submissives often test dominants (to start with) by saying things like 'oh please don't make me do this' and the last thing in the world they want to hear is the words 'ok then you don't have to'.



Personally, this isn't something I've encountered (though I've heard of it on the forums). I'd regard that as a silly game that undermines the reality of the situation when you really can't or really don't want to do the activity in question and your reasons why.

But I'm not a fan of artifical testing and suggest that anyone who thinks it may be going on cut through the bullshit and just ask "Is this a game or is this serious?".


I don't believe it is artificial testing but more an assurance that this man can take control. I used to say to my x 'I am not going to do this because .....' and he would always say 'ok I wont insist' I was not his submissive but I still wanted, needed him to show a little more stamina. By not showing any form of control he inadvertently made me feel unsafe because I was able to wrap him round my little finger which is not something I wanted to do.
When I met S it was never with an intension of him being my dominant but when I told him 'I am not going to do this because.......' he answered, 'well we can do this two ways. Either you do it or I make you do it'. Psychologically much more than intentionally I was trying him out because I needed to know his mental strengths.
It comes down to testing weakness/strength of mind and I don't think that is a game so much as establishing if you can or will ever wish to submit to this person.

Maria

< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 2/18/2009 12:05:07 AM >

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 1:50:19 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I don't believe it is artificial testing but more an assurance that this man can take control. I used to say to my x 'I am not going to do this because .....' and he would always say 'ok I wont insist' I was not his submissive but I still wanted, needed him to show a little more stamina. By not showing any form of control he inadvertently made me feel unsafe because I was able to wrap him round my little finger which is not something I wanted to do.
When I met S it was never with an intension of him being my dominant but when I told him 'I am not going to do this because.......' he answered, 'well we can do this two ways. Either you do it or I make you do it'. Psychologically much more than intentionally I was trying him out because I needed to know his mental strengths.
It comes down to testing weakness/strength of mind and I don't think that is a game so much as establishing if you can or will ever wish to submit to this person.

Maria


Just like the guy who sends his girlfriend fake love letters is "testing" her faithfulness. While you may find it useful, it's all games to me.

If you don't believe he can dominate you, then he's not the one for you. If you feel the need to test him, you aren't the one for him. I didn't test Valyraen to see if he could overpower me, I never doubted that. It was clear from the begining of our interactions. If, in the course of seeking another partner, a submissive "tests" us, she'll learn quickly that, in our house, there is honesty or the street - any crying wolf will just earn disrespect and distrustfulness on our parts.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 3:01:09 AM   
WyldHrt


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quote:

So maybe you need to set the time you want it done or tell her specifically, do this as your morning break -- do this as your afternoon break, do this right when you get home etc.

Don't know where or if you work, Angel, but as has been said, breaks are often time to use the bathroom, maybe grab a bite to eat, and dump a bit of stress so that you can focus your energy for the next "task" that the person or company signing your paycheck expects to be completed. When I am at work, my boss expects me to be totally focused on, unsurprisingly, my job.  As tasks involving texting/pics and such from work are often designed to focus the s on his/her D in the middle of the workday, they are a distraction. This is the part that bothers me about Ds that want such tasks done while the s is at work, let alone those that want things like the s wearing a buttplug and such. For myself, I would rather feel like I was unconsentually involving others in my kink if I were to be distracted from doing the job I get paid for, and I would sure as hell get fired if such a distraction led to too many mistakes in doing my job. If the D in question is prepared to pay all my bills, I'll happily be available at all hours. If not, I sort of need my job, eh? BTW, I clocked in at 7 this morning and clocked out at 6 this evening, which I guess qualifies as "busy".

quote:

ANY SUB UNDER CONSIDERATION OR ALREADY OWNED SHOULD AND  WOULD GO OUT OF HE WAY TO DO MASTERS BIDDIN!!!!! THIS IS IN A TRUE SUBS NATURE(INBORN)....NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!! WE ALL HAVE BUSY DEMANDIN LIVES....AS A MASTER  MAYB U MIGHT REFLECT ON Y U R ALLOWIN THIS TO HAPPEN........ALL THE BEST IN MASTERS SEARCH......

Ridiculous with negative bonus points for use of the words "twue sub". Please put the romance novel down and step back into the real world. You want to be a stay at home slut (per your profile) who has kids as a hard limit. That situation has little to do with s types who work and or have kids to take care of. Would you really do something that could get you fired for a D who hasn't even taken you on as a sub, let alone has agreed to cover your living expenses and support you? If so, good luck with that.


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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 6:19:55 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SUMBISSIVEBIGLUV

ANY SUB UNDER CONSIDERATION OR ALREADY OWNED SHOULD AND  WOULD GO OUT OF HE WAY TO DO MASTERS BIDDIN!!!!! THIS IS IN A TRUE SUBS NATURE(INBORN)....NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!! WE ALL HAVE BUSY DEMANDIN LIVES....AS A MASTER  MAYB U MIGHT REFLECT ON Y U R ALLOWIN THIS TO HAPPEN........ALL THE BEST IN MASTERS SEARCH......

unless a dominant is paying child support for my girls and paying bills/rent as well as living with me, my family will always come first.

then again - i was never striving to be a "twue" submissive

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 6:27:32 AM   
MadamnX


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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 7:49:57 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SUMBISSIVEBIGLUV

ANY SUB UNDER CONSIDERATION OR ALREADY OWNED SHOULD AND  WOULD GO OUT OF HE WAY TO DO MASTERS BIDDIN!!!!! THIS IS IN A TRUE SUBS NATURE(INBORN)....NO EXCUSES!!!!!!!! WE ALL HAVE BUSY DEMANDIN LIVES....AS A MASTER  MAYB U MIGHT REFLECT ON Y U R ALLOWIN THIS TO HAPPEN........ALL THE BEST IN MASTERS SEARCH......
I think maybe you should take the rose colored glasses off. Fact is reality happens. There are things that HAVE to happen in our lives that have nothing to do with D/s dynamics.

And honestly, I think a caring Dom/Master takes that into account. We don't have kids....and even without kids between commuting, work, dinner, cleaning and dogs....I have about 12 hours worth of "chores" out of 14 hours of awake time. Someone adding tasks on top of living needs to be understanding of what is happening in real life

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 10:11:42 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I don't believe it is artificial testing but more an assurance that this man can take control. I used to say to my x 'I am not going to do this because .....' and he would always say 'ok I wont insist' I was not his submissive but I still wanted, needed him to show a little more stamina. By not showing any form of control he inadvertently made me feel unsafe because I was able to wrap him round my little finger which is not something I wanted to do.
When I met S it was never with an intension of him being my dominant but when I told him 'I am not going to do this because.......' he answered, 'well we can do this two ways. Either you do it or I make you do it'. Psychologically much more than intentionally I was trying him out because I needed to know his mental strengths.
It comes down to testing weakness/strength of mind and I don't think that is a game so much as establishing if you can or will ever wish to submit to this person.

Maria


Just like the guy who sends his girlfriend fake love letters is "testing" her faithfulness. While you may find it useful, it's all games to me.

If you don't believe he can dominate you, then he's not the one for you. If you feel the need to test him, you aren't the one for him. I didn't test Valyraen to see if he could overpower me, I never doubted that. It was clear from the begining of our interactions. If, in the course of seeking another partner, a submissive "tests" us, she'll learn quickly that, in our house, there is honesty or the street - any crying wolf will just earn disrespect and distrustfulness on our parts.


Hang on a minute! we are talking about very early on in a possible relationship here and not half way down the line when your already committed. No, I am certainly not going to submit to the first baffoon that tries to dominate me because there is a really good chance that he just can't. I deliberately looked out for a man that could stand his ground and not someone who was going to be an 'ok, do as you please' sort of guy. This has nothing whatsoever to do with playing games but all to do with who I wish to submit to. Once that line is established my submission is complete and I would have no further reason to question, push or try and get away with anything.
I have a saying and I think many others here do too.. it goes something along the lines of 'I may be a submissive but that doesn't mean I will submit to just anyone with the title of Dominant'


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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 10:13:59 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
submissives often test dominants (to start with) by saying things like 'oh please don't make me do this' and the last thing in the world they want to hear is the words 'ok then you don't have to'.


And sometimes submissives don't lie but tell the honest truth that they literally can't do something.

I have very vivid recollections of a horse show during which three days I had literally no privacy. I shared a motel room with my ums for the few hours at night we managed to get back there, and spent from 6AM until 10PM in the horse barn. He wanted me to find some privacy and simply had to wait until after I had returned home, and had a good night's sleep before I could even talk coherently let alone accomplish anything.


I know how that is.. as an ex eventer and horse trainer I spent many years living the 6am until 10pm routine. I would always put my horses before anyone and everything


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Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 10:35:33 AM   
bound4more


Posts: 128
Joined: 10/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

I have a potential slave i'm working with who is very busy.

i often cut her slack, but lately i'm noticing that taking her busy life into concideration has become more of a means for her not to do the tasks i've set for her. (the tasks are always things she can do at night, or durring breaks at work via pix/txt messages.)

as a slave: how should a master deal with you taking advantage of his kindness?

as a master: how much slack is too much for a slave?


I think the key here is "potential slave". This indicates there is no agreement in place - you are perhaps in the learning phase - getting to know each other and hopefully, what's realistic in terms of expectations. I think it's important for a D type to give alot of thought to what's really important to him/her and what's not. And then that needs to be communicated clearly. So I'd recommend that you and your potential girl sit down face to face and talk about her day, your day - what actually takes place. Then you can decide if you're giving her slack or just being realistic.
 

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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 4:54:40 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: exile509

I have a potential slave i'm working with who is very busy.

i often cut her slack, but lately i'm noticing that taking her busy life into concideration has become more of a means for her not to do the tasks i've set for her. (the tasks are always things she can do at night, or durring breaks at work via pix/txt messages.)

as a slave: how should a master deal with you taking advantage of his kindness?

as a master: how much slack is too much for a slave?


Personally I'm going to go with some of the others here. There is such a thing as real life and yes, things such as D/s and BDSM get relegated to second fiddle.

I'm not a potential slave but am in a relationship with a dominant, and I'm busy working on a theatre production and charity projects. At the moment it's quite common for me to get to bed around 7am and be up again by 10am.

How has my dominant reacted? She's stepped in and wherever she can she does things to make things easier for me, she makes a point of knowing all about all the things I'm doing and have to do and she will also step in and organize me, manage me, and through this exert her control over me.

Our's is an unusual situation but this also goes to illustrate the point that there are opportunities for D/s even in real life situations if you care to look for them. I don't have to be sending her texts and pictures or on all fours to show my submission to her, I can show my submission just as effectively by allowing her to take charge of my day and doing the tasks that I need to do for others in the order that she has set out for me.

Another point is that just because she identifies herself as a domme and I identify myself as a submissive (or even a slave when the mood takes me) doesn't mean to say that she HAS to be dominant all the time and in control the whole time. The dynamic comes and goes but it's our basic relationship and catering for each other's needs, wishes and desires which remains constant and is always our priority.

Personally I feel that if you work on the basic relationship between you as two people the dynamic, as with life, comes together all on its own.


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RE: Too Much Slack? a question for subs and doms - 2/18/2009 9:44:04 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Hang on a minute! we are talking about very early on in a possible relationship here and not half way down the line when your already committed. No, I am certainly not going to submit to the first baffoon that tries to dominate me because there is a really good chance that he just can't. I deliberately looked out for a man that could stand his ground and not someone who was going to be an 'ok, do as you please' sort of guy. This has nothing whatsoever to do with playing games but all to do with who I wish to submit to. Once that line is established my submission is complete and I would have no further reason to question, push or try and get away with anything.
I have a saying and I think many others here do too.. it goes something along the lines of 'I may be a submissive but that doesn't mean I will submit to just anyone with the title of Dominant'



I'm not saying you should. I'm saying the whole "I'm going to say I don't want to but I want you to make me anyway" is a silly game. I believe real life provides enough tests without silly artifical ones.

And I stand by my statement that anyone who plays head games with us will be politely but firmly shown the door. It's not worth our time to bother having to figure out what is the truth and what is a lie to test us, even very early in the relationship.

If they tell me they can't/don't want to do something, I expect a damn good reason and I expect it to be the truth, not a test. Valyraen and I believe in making allowences for the unforeseen and we can't maintain that without complete honesty.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 2/18/2009 9:45:38 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 55
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