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ORIGINAL: Politesub53
I was ignored by a Mistress I knew for a week, no contact at all. What really hurt me was when she later said I had punished her, by making her ignore me for a week. That really hit home.

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ORIGINAL: princessKatt
If that doesn't work yes I can easily just communicate - put it all on the table. Maybe this is best- I'll see.
And yes perhaps having strong feelings 4 him have made me a bit more vulnerable - possilby allowing him to sometimes manipulate the situation. This will be adressed

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ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Yeah, using play to "punish" for this kind of thing is a reward, IMHO. Personally, I have no problem with men making requests (though not demands), but I'd be really un-thrilled if he got bratty with me.

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ORIGINAL: hereyesruponyou

Disengaging is a very valid technique for behavior modification. They key to remember though is to ignore the behavior not the person. Do not respond to his requests or manipulation that cross the line for you. Just continue on the way you desire. It is not always easy to do this and may make you feel like you are pulling away from the relationship, but actually you are just controlling it. Only time and consistency can really change behavior

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resistant or manipulative sub just may not have your needs at heart.  There is a very real possiblity that he's only in it to meet his cravings.  Having been involved for years with such a fellow I would caution you to not jump through his hoops.

If he begins to manipulate a session, end it right then, but tell him why.  Tell him simply that 'whatever it is you just commanded/manipulated I do for you is not what I want in a sub. This isn't all about you.  It's about Me and what I want to do today, first.  There will be sessions that I ask for your input and wants, but today is not that day.'  Then end the session by sending him home, don't talk to him or email him for a day or two.  Shun HIM, not his behavior.

Similarly, if you're discussing, for example, an outing or date, and he begins to control the plans, stop him, saying, 'I want you to listen a moment.  I want to go listen to whatever music, not whichever music.  Today, it's about what I want, this isn't all about you.  I will eventually ask you about what you want.' 

If his resistance continues then shun him, don't punish him.  Punishing him gives him what he wants: your attention, meeting his cravings.

Shun him, NOT his behavior.  Tell him you are shunning him for three days, or a week, with no communication until YOU decide to communicate, beause he just 'manipulated your dating plans' and instead you want him to learn to consider your tastes, your idea of what's fun.  Tell him to think about it for the next three days, and when you call him in a few days you expect him to listen to you.

After you try these motivational techniques using shunning to get him to focus on his submission rather than on his needs, you'll know by his response whether he has the potential to be a keeper, or not.

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princessKatt wrote: If that doesn't work yes I can easily just communicate - put it all on the table. Maybe this is best- I'll see.

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And yes perhaps having strong feelings 4 him have made me a bit more vulnerable - possilby allowing him to sometimes manipulate the situation.

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NixorPercipio wrote:
I have to agree with the concept of completely ignoring him. [...] He has to realize that certain things are very important to you and cannot be compromised.

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Secondly, I'm a tad concerned that he still associates submission with his own personal release. You punish, feed or deny, but it seems like a lot of it ends with his release. He needs to get beyond this concept, to understand that his pleasure comes from your satisfaction and pleasure.

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have to agree with the concept of completely ignoring him. There is no punishment more painful than to create a void of your attention. He will quickly be overcome by a need to connect with you and find you completely unavailable to him

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Secondly, I'm a tad concerned that he still associates submission with his own personal release. You punish, feed or deny, but it seems like a lot of it ends with his release. He needs to get beyond this concept, to understand that his pleasure comes from your satisfaction and pleasure. He may find release along the way, but the greater pleasure, the greater service is seeing you truly happy with him. It transcends the physical.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Start with you and figure out what you really want. He needs to do the same thing. When you both have a better idea of that, then get together and see if you can meet most of each others needs and desires. You may discover a way to do BDSM together or you may discover that you don't need it to be a happy and healthy couple.

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ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

Not that it's any of my business, PS - but did it improve the relationship in the long term?

I still do wonder if it can work to try to convey to a sub - somehow, god knows how - that he himself might enjoy everything more if he were more submissive . . .

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ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

To each his/her own, I guess.

Ignoring may work for some, but it wouldn't work with me. It tends to make me angry, and instead of feeling deprived and afraid that she may leave me, it would make me want to leave her. Communication is by far a better option, IMO. Although, I can certainly see how, if you lock him up in chastity first, and then leave him on his own for a bit, he might start to get the right idea.