RE: A sub who tops from the bottom

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/17/2009 10:58:35 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
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beeble,

quote:

For reference, by the time you've written 1,500 words, it's definitely not a knee-jerk but, rather a well-thought-out opinion. With which, by the way, I agree entirely.

Fifteen hundred words? Who? Me? No, that couldn't be me. An impostor must have hijacked my account I tell ya! :-)

Thanks for your kind words beeble,

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 3/17/2009 10:59:10 PM >

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 3:51:28 AM

Renskor

Posts: 8
Joined: 3/14/2009
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Tell him he is so stupid for doing it. There's already a shortage of Dommes! You could have the pick of the litter when it comes to sub guys.

Just my thoughts

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 10:30:39 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
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Renskor,

quote:

Tell him he is so stupid for doing it. There's already a shortage of Dommes! You could have the pick of the litter when it comes to sub guys.

You're making two assumptions here (at least one of which is incorrect). There is no shortage of Dommes. Perhaps on BDSM web sites there is, but go to local events and participate in your local BDSM community and you'll find the mix between dommes, doms, and submissives is frequently about even. As for your assertion that the OP can have her pick of the litter, you don't know this. Real life relationships require skills and commitment from all involved. The OP may well be a fine catch. I mean no slight toward the OP. However, I'm writing to illustrate that compatible partners are usually very lucky to have one another. Personal relationships aren't usually a one-way street.

(No, I'm not replying to all your posts. It's a fluke that I happened to hit two of yours in a row. :-)

Elan.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 11:37:56 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
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Renskor,

Elan wrote:
"As for your assertion that the OP can have her pick of the litter, you don't know this."

Oops. Sorry about the internal assumption I made here. Perhaps you and the OP are friends and you do (in fact) know she is a great catch. At any rate, I simply wanted to debunk the "Dommes can have any submissive they want" line of thinking.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 3/18/2009 11:38:26 AM >

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 12:05:18 PM

scbndgsub

Posts: 6
Joined: 12/2/2008
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As a sub that has topped from the bottom before I can tell you that it is a hard habit to break. I still catch myself doing it from time to time. I do not agree with the people that are saying do not be patient with him. You noted yourself that he is getting better. A lot of valid reasons for why he is behaving this way have been brought up. Another one that is a possiblity is that being in a D/s relationship is exciting and a dream come true for a lot of people. Depending on how long he was searching for a real time connection he could have a ton of pent up fantasy/energy about the lifestyle. This could cause him to be afraid that it is all going to end to soon. If this is the case just walking away (which is an amazing way to deal with a pushy sub) might only re-enforce his inner fear that everything may end.

The best advice I have seen on this trend is find the root of his behavior, then look for answer here that suits the situation best.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 12:11:53 PM

GoodgirlFind

Posts: 55
Joined: 6/24/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

...I simply wanted to debunk the "Dommes can have any submissive they want" line of thinking.

Elan.

::chuckle:: Relax, I don't think you should be consumed with informing everybody that Dommes can't have any submissive they want. I think most people consider that obvious. I wonder why are you feel compelled to say Dommes can't have any submissive they want? Are you bitter about dommes or something else that happened or didn't happen? The ones I know don't think like that, although some are so beautiful Ive seen them with my own eyes shake some pretty big men into having sweaty palms when they approached them at gatherings.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 3/18/2009 1:11:12 PM

ElanSubdued

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GoodgirlFind,

quote:

::chuckle:: Relax, I don't think you should be consumed with informing everybody that Dommes can't have any submissive they want. I think most people consider that obvious. I wonder why are you feel compelled to say Dommes can't have any submissive they want? Are you bitter about dommes or something else that happened or didn't happen? The ones I know don't think like that, although some are so beautiful Ive seen them with my own eyes shake some pretty big men into having sweaty palms when they approached them at gatherings.

Thanks for your note. You've mistaken my remark (which was intended in a factual way) as sour grapes. I wish it were *obvious* that dominants can't have any submissive they want, but unfortunately, here in Internet land, there are dominants and submissives who think this way. This is why I commented and for no other reason. In face-to-face interactions, as you noted, these kinds of issues generally don't come up. The fantasy archetypes that occur online do somewhat push my buttons. It's frustrating watching both types of chest ponding ("I'm a dominant, watch me roar with superiority" and "I'm a submissive, watch me squeak... I'm so lucky a dominant pays me any attention", etc.).

Afterthought: yes, I too have experienced dommes (and dominants, for that matter) whose sense of style and ability to carry themselves causes others to shiver - a lovely sight indeed. :-)

Elan.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 4/13/2009 7:05:49 PM

masmiss

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WOW. You're my new hero.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 4/28/2009 11:08:15 AM

kINKSandMetal

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/11/2009
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The posts in this thread are very helpful. I am in basically the same situation. I am in love with my boy, but hes not 100% submissive, not even 50%. but when he is in the mood to be Dommed he still has a tendancy to take control. I am much more submissive than him and have waaaaaay less experiance, in BDSM and sex in general so I am kind of worried that he feels he needs to take control just to ensure we both get pleasure out of it. I want to be a Good Misstress to him when he asks for one, because I am his and a true slave should be able to do ANYTHING her masters wants...including role reversal...

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 4/28/2009 2:18:13 PM

slavekal

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Could you give a specific example of what he does? Not everyone defines that term the same way.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 4/29/2009 5:54:30 AM

chezzy71

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i don't top from the bottom..i try to make a point from the bottom..ok semantics i know but making a point can at least start a conversation or give food for thought...then again,it depends how long the gag is in i suppose.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 5/26/2009 7:16:51 PM

princessKatt

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Since I have received many messages asking for an update with my sub, I thought I would respond with just that:)
First of all I got a lot of good advice and plenty that i enjoyed reading so thank you!
In regards to what I tried, I did some of the fun light stuff- ignoring him, giving him some ultimatums , teasing him etc
But mainly I just took the communication approach - put everything out there, what I wanted out of the the relationship, what I expected in the fem/dom set up of the relationship, my expectations from him and asked him to do the same!!
I really liked Elan's advice" communicate, negotiate reinforce/ review/agree and reinforce/remind" I found that following that set up is pretty effective.
After laying it all out there with outlined rules and expectations, I praised and rewarded him when he didn't top from bottom in any manner or when he caught himself doing it and stopped(which was soo cute: btw) So, slowly, it has gotten a lot better. Hes not perfect but no one is and theres always room for improvement:)

As well someone mentioned this quote]e fantasy archetypes that occur online do somewhat push my buttons. [/quote] in their response. I just wanted to touch upon that.

I really do enjoy some(ok maybe more than some) domme websites, blogs and occasionally coming on here but I do find a lot of what is out there on line is mainly fantasy(and i know that the purpose of a lot of these however its just too redundant and not realistic). I have found that constant emphasis on uber strict ultimatums and the dommes way or the highway approach is just not realistic in a relationship context regardless of how "attractive" or "amazing 'one is/appears to be. Don't get my wrong I LOVE being in control and having my sub listen to my commands however in a real relationship, I cant see the its my way or thats it its done thing working 24/7.

another response from someone else "But an attitude of `You will be perfect or you will leave' seems like a great recipe for not keeping any sub for very long at all." I agree!

Thanks though and yes its going very well with my sub and I!! :)

< Message edited by princessKatt -- 5/26/2009 7:19:50 PM >

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 5/26/2009 9:21:40 PM

gentlemanprince

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Joined: 5/19/2008
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I haven't read all of the posts, so if I'm repeating what others have said forgive me.

Alpha males have a difficult time with this issue. In the vanilla world, we are used to being pushy and taking control to make things go our way. Yet we are asked to discard those behaviors in the context of a D/s relationship. I'm not saying that we shouldn't or can't to that. I am saying that it's not easy to give up those behaviors that have worked so well. It's especially difficult because we are asked to switch back and forth depending on the immediate situation. As much as we want to please our Dommes and give up control, it isn't easy.

This is not to say that you shouldn't work to move the relationship the way you want. I'm just asking you to appreciate how difficult it can be for the sub, even with the best of intentions.

Good luck.

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RE: A sub who tops from the bottom - 5/27/2009 9:19:19 PM

Irished

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wow PrincessKatt.............looks like you found a keeper and you are very mature in being realistic and smart about getting to the right end result (and not following the steriotypical appraoch)

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