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RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:34:43 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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I don't think it's possible not to have any idea of what a relationship can be. We see our parents working relationships, or their failing ones. We stumble through relationships in school and afterwards. We learn from every relationship we can observe or participate in, or worse we don't learn from them and simply are drawn towards the prepatterned ones hoping somehow that this time it will magically come out right.

Relationships of all kinds, whether authority based ones like teacher/student or employer/employee, romantic ones, friendship only ones, or coworkers or teammates. All will influence one way or the other.

But then, I don;'t believe a healthy d/s relationship is any different than any other healthy relationship. They allow for the betterment of the people involved in it. Unhealthy ones don't allow people to grow, to become stronger - no matter if the people involved are those who chose to enter it or minors without a choice.

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(in reply to DrkIntensity)

Post #: 41

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:41:37 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I don't think it's possible not to have any idea of what a relationship can be.

Let me clarify what I meant by no idea what it would look like. It would of course be one with deep and genuine honesty and integrity, the hard kind, not the fluffy chest thumping kind. It would be one where each partner had clarity about who they are and what they want out of life. Those are the HOW though, not the WHAT of a relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 42

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:43:37 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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I realized not too long ago I was trying to fit a description, rather than allowing myself to be open to the possibilities of whoever I am, and whoever I grow into. Through meeting others and dabbing my toe here and there in real, in the flesh explorations, I am coming to find out the kinds of things I would like for myself. Whether or not that meets the approval of onlookers is no matter to me, as long as I am not compromising who and what I am. What I've come to find is that it's really ok to want some of the things I want. And my list isn't all that big, either. Mostly I want to love and be loved, and I finally see there's enough in the world to go around and I can have some, too.

I know I need to submit but I also know I don't need to give all of myself away and compromise who I am to do so.

I dunno...Life is so full of possibilities; I can't see limiting myself to them simply because it wouldn't fit some universal idea of "the way things ought to be." I am me, continually evolving, discovering, and experimenting. I can't ask for much more than that, and if I'm open to possibilities, then whatever is supposed to come my way, will.

Whether or not any of that had anything to do with the OP, well I'm not really sure! But it felt good to write it, so there ya go.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 43

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:47:43 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
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Ridiculous expectations are a part of life. For example, I have the ridiculous expectation that, some day, people will stop spelling the word ridiculous inccorectly *significant look, OP*.

All snarkyness aside, life really is filled with unrealistic, hyped-up expectations. We're taught from birth that anyone can grow up to be the president of the united states, and we're only just now seeing someone other than an old, white, christian male in the oval office. Date and romance movies tell us we have rent skiidoos to impress someone on a first date, and in real life, Maggie Gyllenhall would have sued James Spader's pants off, but Secretary is still a huge introductory piece for many into the world of BDSM. Anorexia and Bullima is on the rise in young, white, middle income women because we think we need to look like Heidi Montag, and while we're talking about it, I can't tell you how many of my little sisters friends honestly think that fashion interns in LA actually live the way they do on The Hills. Reality TV shows consistently get the highest ratings - need I say more?

There's nothing wrong with hyped up, fantastic expectations in online communities. It's fun, it's escapist, and it isn't real life. The problem arises when we become so enmeshed with the fantasy that we can't differentiate between it and real life.

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 44

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:51:07 PM

hopefullittleone

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Joined: 7/4/2008
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"inccorectly"?

(in reply to Sfortzando)

Post #: 45

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:54:03 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
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*facepalm*

I knew as soon as I clicked 'okay' I was gonna have to eat my words on this one.

(in reply to hopefullittleone)

Post #: 46

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:57:49 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
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or the reader's digest version.

Personally i try to avoid tv, most American new sources, and anything with Tori Spelling in it. It is how i limit the kinds of strangeness in my life.

But it was pretty brave for a first post. Kudos newbie and welcome to the jungle.

< Message edited by feydeplume -- 2/18/2009 5:58:38 PM >

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Sfortzando)

Post #: 47

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:58:05 PM

hopefullittleone

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/4/2008
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I think people have very unrealistic expectations in general, when looking for a date or relationship online. It isn't specific to BDSM. They create lists of "must have" characteristics that barely anyone would fulfill, and they also don't tend to ask "who am *I* that I would *deserve* all this? What am I giving in return?" Hence you have men who want to date a much younger, Barbie-looking woman, who has no needs and lives to serve him, when he himself is old, fat, ugly, poor, mean, etc. etc. etc. And I'm sure it works the other way around, too, with women's expectations.

When you meet people in real life, you don't have time to go down a checklist and see if they meet all your standards. You just react to the actual person in front of you--sometimes you'll like them even if they "fail" some of your important tests, and sometimes you won't, even if they pass all or most of those tests.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 48

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 5:58:10 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

I've recently been in hiatus from anything D/S or BDSM as of late with school and work taking up the sole focus in my life. The break and detachment from any influence of the online community has given me a bit more of an objective perspective of it as a whole.

I would imagine so. In this economy, I'm amazed anyone is even playing or meeting at all.

quote:

I think initially one of the things that really hampered my dating and let to disgruntlement and frustration was that I had a precanned idea of what exactly a submissive/slave should be in my own mind and was disapointed as the people I met constantly fell short of that expectation. It's something I slowly had to work my way from as I began to remember that I was dating "real people" and what existed in my own head wasn't a "real person".

I think I realized what you've been realizing quite some time ago. When I began to see what you're talking about, I realized that there were so many more important things to "match" with someone on, than just what goes on in the bedroom or even out of the bedroom in terms of "power exchange."

We're in a serious crisis as a nation. In terms of "dating," we need others to join us as actual "partners" now more than ever, in order to work together as a team. Anything that isn't real and focused on what's going on in our country, is likely to fall by the wayside when and if things worsen for us here financially in the USA.

It's been quite awhile since I've attempted submission, though I could see myself trying that again with the right person, but on some level, I find myself far more drawn to dominating -- just not in the way I often see espoused as what they desire by most submissive men.

I'm not into casual sex or play. I'm seeking one partner. As I'm fairly used to being in charge and being on my own for years, I'm accustomed to doing things my way. My "reality" is that this is who I am. The only man or woman who could successfully dominate me would be one who is stronger mentally than I am. Even then, it would be a temporary, likely bedroom thing. It seems that my dominating someone else is the more likely scenario, at this point, but I'm also unlikely to dominate anyone but one who sincerely is service oriented, who is masculine but passive, who is educated, intelligent, and hard working, who sincerely desires to please me and do things my way.

I'm in no state to be able to financially support such a person. They would have to pull their own weight; thus it seems that this elusive creature that I and many others seek, is extremely rare.

I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for a connection in this area or for this right one to show up; if it happens, great! And if not? Oh well!

I'm not going to lose any sleep over it nor lose out on the gift of the companionship of others. I'm happy on my own regardless, and my vanilla life pleases me no end.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 49

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:03:20 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
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*shudder* Tori Spelling. Is it just me, or is there something just slightly off about her entire face?

Actually, now that I think about it, Lifetime Move Network in cahoots with Oxygen and Cosmo could be the nexus of all that is wrong with women and our expectations with dating. And I'm using the royal Our here.

I actually regularly watch Fox News and The 700 Club. You gotta keep a tab on the crazies in the world, ya know?

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 50

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:04:33 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

I believe that when people stop trying to live up to everyone else's expectations and live up to their own (and their partner's) then it becomes null and void of what it is called or what someone else may call it.   When we find a partner who has the same wants and desires, morals and ethics, standards, likes, dislikes, etc, and we just go with it, then we are more apt to have that relationship that we "expect". There are no hard and fast, no fail rules that I know of, except those that are set as we move forward in the relationship.

I think listening to others that have experience in anything is a good thing.   Taking their experience and trying to make it my own is what can set me up failure.   What may work for others may be a complete disaster for me. But it doesn't negate their experience or their knowledge or what I have learned from them.   I may have gone off rambling and if so, I apologize to the OP.

I have misplaced the submissive handbook again and can't keep up with the rules anyway.   I resigned myself along time that I will never be a twue sub since I can't keep up with the handbook.

(in reply to hopefullittleone)

Post #: 51

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:08:08 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
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and to bring this back on topic (sort of)

Now those are serious sources for strange and dangerous expectations with unrealistic role models and way too many rules.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Sfortzando)

Post #: 52

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:09:27 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
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There's a handbook?!?!?!? Why have I not been informed of this? *puts hand to forehead* Now I shall never be a true submissive!

(in reply to kallisto)

Post #: 53

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:16:37 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

I don't know exactly why, other than we seem to be having fun with this flirting thing, but the first phrase that popped into my mind was "wanna come up to my room and see my manual little girl?"

Seriously, I am not a 50 year old balding man being amazingly good (if i do say so myself) at imitating a female just long enough to be a total letch at you.

But yeah there is a secret handshake, a 400 page manual, a pin, a yearly picnic and outing, and a monthly meeting where we find new ways to drive D's over the deep end with petty demands and passive aggressive cooking.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Sfortzando)

Post #: 54

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:18:16 PM

MrRodgers

Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

.

quote:

ORIGINAL: InTonguesslave

the internet creates a tendancy to become polarised by black and white - when reality kicks in and people get themselves into real time situations they realise there is no black and white.

im not sure if its fair to build up 'uber dom' and 'uber sub' characatures, but i spose there has to be a starting point for people to work from and better to set the bar high where everyone can see it.

I agree here. Online is little different than the vanilla world in building up their own expectations with some old and a whole new set of...presumptions and prejudices about D/s, M/s and BDSM.

We part company on setting the bar so high at first. If those expectations are not met than well then, they just can't be that great dom or sub I just know I can find here. Far too many often play with sometimes many. THEN they come online and look for the perfect match only to be very discouraged that they find all manner of otherwise...less than perfect people.

(in reply to InTonguesslave)

Post #: 55

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:24:20 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
Status: offline

Flirting is fun. It's the basis for human interaction. And it's fun.

And I just might come up and take a look at you manual - especially if there're etching in it, lol!

Oh, I am sooooo good at passive aggressive cooking. Whenever I visit my parents, I make sure to cook something with coconut, because my mother swears she hates the stuff, but almost always has seconds and wonders what exactly that secret ingredient is. I never tell her, but cackle evilly on the inside.

I simply must get this manual and pin and everything. Think we could find it at a garage sale?

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 56

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:38:17 PM

feydeplume

Posts: 935
Joined: 12/24/2008
Status: offline

ok now I am getting *thoughts* about garage sales, under clothing bondage, insertion toys with remote controls, boxes of old books, and sheer bits of cloth held on with pins.

Girl you are GOOD at the flirting thing.

_____________________________

Wait! Are those my pants?
If it has testicle or tires, it's gonna give you the fidgets.
Pretend I said something witty and laugh.

(in reply to Sfortzando)

Post #: 57

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:48:56 PM

Sfortzando

Posts: 174
Joined: 1/30/2009
Status: offline

Gives the term 'bibliophile' a whole new meaning, don't it? You could take a whole box of reader's digests and use 'em disposable spanking paddles, and you'd have to list off the issue date instead of the number of spanks. "June first, 1989. June seventh, 1989."

(in reply to feydeplume)

Post #: 58

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:51:07 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit
...When I think about it, I imagine that two people who were self aware of their own desires, but had absolutely no previous influence or expectation from an external source about how there relationship "should be" would be far better off than someone who had spent time educating themselves on the Internet or through the community.

Sure.
But you're as likely to encounter expectations and assumptions anywhere, I find.
The info presented online has no corner on that market.
My experience is that people who actually have researched things take less for granted because they're aware of how much variety there can be in interpretation, desire, etc.
Maybe I've just been lucky thus far.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 59

RE: A Community of Ridicoulous Expectations - 2/18/2009 6:56:01 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I thought this pick-up line was amusing: http://www.xkcd.com/403/

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 60

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